Disclaimer: They're not mine, this is not for profit, please don't sue me, I just love the show.
Rating: PG to be safe.
Spoilers: Infinite Possibilities: Icarus Abides, The Choice
Setting: The points of view of both Aeryn and Xhalax during The Choice
Authors Notes: While watching The Choice, I found it hard to understand why Xhalax was doing what she was doing, I was constantly expecting her to change, and do the 'loving mother' bit. But in true Farscape fashion, of course, she didn't. This fic is my attempt to 'get inside' Xhalax and figure out what made her want to hurt her daughter and to understand what was going on between Aeryn and Xhalax during that unspoken moment on the window ledge.
Huge hugs, thankyous, and choccy goodness to Minh. She betas everything for me, fan-fic, message board posts and even author's notes… she make me coherent, and without her I wouldn't be writing this. Thank you :)
Falling
I sit here waiting, watching and waiting on this world between worlds. Perceptions are blurred here, reality and dreams co-exist, and life and death have no boundaries. I wait for the one person who can ease my pain - the one person who caused my pain.
Twenty cycles ago, I was given a Choice. One of the only two people I have ever loved had to die... and I had to choose which of them it would be. The man I loved or the daughter I had never known. I made the choice... I made the wrong choice. And now I am here to put that wrong to right.
The only man I have ever loved, and will ever love, is gone from my side. I will never see his face again, never feel the gentle touch of his hand, never be held by him again... because of her... This life was gifted to her, she doesn't know how lucky she is. I am without my love so that she can live. She has no idea of my pain and my grief. She has no idea what it's like to give up the one thing you love for something less worthy. She is less worthy of this life than he was. I just want her to understand what I have been through in order that she could live, to feel the pain that I have felt every day since taking the Choice. I want her to hurt and cry out and bleed… to know what I have been though.
~*~
I sit here waiting, watching and waiting on this world between worlds. Perceptions are blurred here, reality and dreams co-exist and life, and death have no boundaries. I wait for the one person who can ease my pain, the one person who caused my pain.
I came here to find my lover - the only man I will ever love, who is no longer by my side. Brought to me by a cruel twist of fate, and taken from me by a war he should not have been a part of.
Fate. She has a lot to answer for. She bought him to me and ripped him away.
He showed me the world - he taught me to feel, and think, and care, and love.
He weakened me, made me careless, distorted my thinking.
I had a Choice. I made the wrong choice - I chose him over my breeding. I chose to fall in love with him, I got too close. As Peacekeepers we are taught not to connect with each other, we are taught this for a reason and now I know why.
~*~
We stand here on this ledge, on this world between worlds. Perceptions are blurred here, reality and dreams co-exist, and life and death have no boundaries.
We are waiting for someone to ease our pain... but now we both know that's never going to happen. No-one can ease our pain. Life hurts. It hurts because we feel, and we feel because we are alive. We get close to people and they leave us. We love them, and we lose them, and it hurts. Love hurts. But we go on living, and the pain doesn't go away. We are falling, hurting, crying... the fear, the pain, the love, and the loss are all too much to live with.
We will not love again.