Turk's News at Nine
"We WILL waste your time."
(Reno is the anchor, Rude is the co-anchor, Elena does weather and Tseng, back from the hospital, still does sports.)
(The show has been on for five minutes. Everybody is waiting for Reno. He finally walks on.)
Reno: (muttering to himself) I will not screw up, I will not screw up...(notices the camera is on) Oh crap!
(The director motions for him to sit down)
Reno: Huh? Oh yeah...Hey! The script is here! Whoohoo! (Tries to read script) Oh dam*, I can't read it!
(Director buries his head in his hands. Meanwhile, Elena, unknown to Reno, swaps her pointer for his Electro-rod)
Reno: This...is...(turns paper sideways) the...Turk's...Dam* I can't read this!
(Rude shoves Reno off the stage)
Reno: (from far below) Ooh! Beer!
Rude: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. This is Turk's News at Nine where we WILL waste your time.
(Elena taps her foot impatiently)
Elena: Yo! Hurry up! I got, (checks her watch) an hour and a half before I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Tseng: Yeah! Aeris is coming out of the Lifestream just to have a date with me! I can't miss it!
Rude: Guys, I've been through this before! We ARE supposed to waste YOUR time!
Elena + Tseng; We got important stuff to do! (jump on Rude)
(Rude jumps out of the way)
Elena: Hey! Get your ass over here!
Rude: Whatcha gonna do? Throw your pointer at me? It didn't hurt last time!
(Elena brandishes Reno's Electro-rod)
Elena: So? It'll hurt this time!
Tseng: Yeah! She swapped her point-
(Elena zaps Tseng with the rod)
Tseng: OWWW! YOU BITCH!
Elena: So sue me!
Rude: Guys, guys, can't we all be friends?
Elena: NO! I'm gonna kill you all! (laughs insanely)
(Reno struggles onto the stage, even more drunk than the last time.) Wee! I'm Elena!
Elena: Hey wait a minute! He's mocking me! (Zaps Reno in the butt with Electro-rod)
Reno: (giggles) Heehee! That tickled! (grabs Electro-rod and zaps himself continuously in the butt, obviously contented. Elena and the others stare, dumbstruck)
Elena: Is Reno okay?
Rude: I dunno. He's gotten this drunk before, but has never willingly zapped himself like this.
(Tseng slaps Reno. It has no effect. Tseng pulls a Junior Chemist kit out of his...nevermind. He reads the recipes and mixes something together. He puts into a tube and injects into Reno's arm. Nothing happens. Reno starts to zap other people now.)
Elena: OWW! YOU JACKASS! (Rubs her butt) Get Tseng!
Tseng: NO! RENO, STOP! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!
Reno: Wee! I'm Elena! I love you Tseng!
(Elena goes EXTREMELY red, Tseng faints)
Reno: (suddenly sober) God, I'm glad I can cut the act. Let's see, embarrass Elena, check. Scare the crap out of Tseng, check. Shock Rude, check. Let's see, what's left...(notices Elena's face) Um...How 'bout run?
Elena: YOU LYING LITTLE BASTARD! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!
(Elena on an adrenaline rush easily catches Reno and holds him in a half-nelson.)
Elena: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! YOU JUST EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF TSENG! OUR HEAD TURK!
Reno: (grins stupidly) I guess I did, didn't I?
Elena: YES! YOU DID! But you, know, I don't really love Tseng anymore. You know who I like now?
Reno: No, but tell me so I can make his life a living hell!
(Elena whispers something to him. Reno turns white and faints. Elena grins)
Elena: All in a days work. Now it's just you an' me Rude.
Rude: Don't come near me! I don't get within five feet of sluts!
(Elena blushes.)
Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT! WE WENT THROUGH THIS LAST TIME!
Rude: I walked in on you and what's-his-name!
(Elena pulls Reno's Electro-rod out of his hands and brandishes at Rude)
Elena: Say that again?
Rude: I walked in on you and what's-his-name.
Elena: THAT WASN"T ME! MY SISTER IS THE ONE WHO SLEEPS WITH ALL THE CAMERA GUYS! I AM NOT A SLUT!
Rude: I don't care if you say you are or not, I don't associate with sluts. Reno does, he tells me he pays pretty well too. Why don't you ask him?
Elena: YOU BASTARD! I WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!
(Elena jumps on top of Rude and starts to bite him, the Electro-rod forgotten)
Rude: OWW! WATCH IT BITCH!
(Elena punches him in the face)
Elena: DIE YOU BASTARD!
Rude: Get off me, slut!
Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT! BESIDES, LOOK WHO"S TALKING! I BET YOU'D SLEEP WITH RENO GIVEN HALF A CHANCE!!
Rude: I AM AS STRAIGHT AS THEY COME!
Elena: BULLSHIT! But, you know...
(Elena whispers something to Rude. Rude faints. Elena stands up and dusts off her hands)
Elena: All in a day's work. Notices the camera) Hey! You were taping this the whole time?
(Elena charges the camera. The last thing seen is Elena's face, the camera being tipped over and then black. In the background, you can hear the director crying)
THE END
Director: Thank god...
"We WILL waste your time."
(Reno is the anchor, Rude is the co-anchor, Elena does weather and Tseng, back from the hospital, still does sports.)
(The show has been on for five minutes. Everybody is waiting for Reno. He finally walks on.)
Reno: (muttering to himself) I will not screw up, I will not screw up...(notices the camera is on) Oh crap!
(The director motions for him to sit down)
Reno: Huh? Oh yeah...Hey! The script is here! Whoohoo! (Tries to read script) Oh dam*, I can't read it!
(Director buries his head in his hands. Meanwhile, Elena, unknown to Reno, swaps her pointer for his Electro-rod)
Reno: This...is...(turns paper sideways) the...Turk's...Dam* I can't read this!
(Rude shoves Reno off the stage)
Reno: (from far below) Ooh! Beer!
Rude: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. This is Turk's News at Nine where we WILL waste your time.
(Elena taps her foot impatiently)
Elena: Yo! Hurry up! I got, (checks her watch) an hour and a half before I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Tseng: Yeah! Aeris is coming out of the Lifestream just to have a date with me! I can't miss it!
Rude: Guys, I've been through this before! We ARE supposed to waste YOUR time!
Elena + Tseng; We got important stuff to do! (jump on Rude)
(Rude jumps out of the way)
Elena: Hey! Get your ass over here!
Rude: Whatcha gonna do? Throw your pointer at me? It didn't hurt last time!
(Elena brandishes Reno's Electro-rod)
Elena: So? It'll hurt this time!
Tseng: Yeah! She swapped her point-
(Elena zaps Tseng with the rod)
Tseng: OWWW! YOU BITCH!
Elena: So sue me!
Rude: Guys, guys, can't we all be friends?
Elena: NO! I'm gonna kill you all! (laughs insanely)
(Reno struggles onto the stage, even more drunk than the last time.) Wee! I'm Elena!
Elena: Hey wait a minute! He's mocking me! (Zaps Reno in the butt with Electro-rod)
Reno: (giggles) Heehee! That tickled! (grabs Electro-rod and zaps himself continuously in the butt, obviously contented. Elena and the others stare, dumbstruck)
Elena: Is Reno okay?
Rude: I dunno. He's gotten this drunk before, but has never willingly zapped himself like this.
(Tseng slaps Reno. It has no effect. Tseng pulls a Junior Chemist kit out of his...nevermind. He reads the recipes and mixes something together. He puts into a tube and injects into Reno's arm. Nothing happens. Reno starts to zap other people now.)
Elena: OWW! YOU JACKASS! (Rubs her butt) Get Tseng!
Tseng: NO! RENO, STOP! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!
Reno: Wee! I'm Elena! I love you Tseng!
(Elena goes EXTREMELY red, Tseng faints)
Reno: (suddenly sober) God, I'm glad I can cut the act. Let's see, embarrass Elena, check. Scare the crap out of Tseng, check. Shock Rude, check. Let's see, what's left...(notices Elena's face) Um...How 'bout run?
Elena: YOU LYING LITTLE BASTARD! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!
(Elena on an adrenaline rush easily catches Reno and holds him in a half-nelson.)
Elena: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! YOU JUST EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF TSENG! OUR HEAD TURK!
Reno: (grins stupidly) I guess I did, didn't I?
Elena: YES! YOU DID! But you, know, I don't really love Tseng anymore. You know who I like now?
Reno: No, but tell me so I can make his life a living hell!
(Elena whispers something to him. Reno turns white and faints. Elena grins)
Elena: All in a days work. Now it's just you an' me Rude.
Rude: Don't come near me! I don't get within five feet of sluts!
(Elena blushes.)
Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT! WE WENT THROUGH THIS LAST TIME!
Rude: I walked in on you and what's-his-name!
(Elena pulls Reno's Electro-rod out of his hands and brandishes at Rude)
Elena: Say that again?
Rude: I walked in on you and what's-his-name.
Elena: THAT WASN"T ME! MY SISTER IS THE ONE WHO SLEEPS WITH ALL THE CAMERA GUYS! I AM NOT A SLUT!
Rude: I don't care if you say you are or not, I don't associate with sluts. Reno does, he tells me he pays pretty well too. Why don't you ask him?
Elena: YOU BASTARD! I WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!
(Elena jumps on top of Rude and starts to bite him, the Electro-rod forgotten)
Rude: OWW! WATCH IT BITCH!
(Elena punches him in the face)
Elena: DIE YOU BASTARD!
Rude: Get off me, slut!
Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT! BESIDES, LOOK WHO"S TALKING! I BET YOU'D SLEEP WITH RENO GIVEN HALF A CHANCE!!
Rude: I AM AS STRAIGHT AS THEY COME!
Elena: BULLSHIT! But, you know...
(Elena whispers something to Rude. Rude faints. Elena stands up and dusts off her hands)
Elena: All in a day's work. Notices the camera) Hey! You were taping this the whole time?
(Elena charges the camera. The last thing seen is Elena's face, the camera being tipped over and then black. In the background, you can hear the director crying)
THE END
Director: Thank god...