Turk's News at
Nine
"We will
waste your time"
(The usual cast.
If you read the others, you should know. If not, Read the others.)
(Reno and Elena
are not there, the camera is not on and Rude and Tseng are playing poker using
materia as gambling chips)
Tseng: Hah! My ace
high beats your king high! Gimme your materia!
(Rude hands Tseng
a brand-new fire materia)
Tseng: Hey! Wait a
minute! This isn't the mastered Fire you promised! Hand it over!
Rude: Listen
as*wipe, I already gave it to you. I have no more fire materia!
(First camera man
walks onto stage. He turns it on. He starts to walk away, but trips. The camera
is still on and it focuses on Vincent, who is in the process of getting a
lap-dance from Tifa)
Vincent: C'mon
give it to me baby! Woo!
(The camera is
quickly turned to the stage as laughter erupts. Reno parades out in a pair of
whitey-tighties. A huge grin is plastered on his face as he shows off his
butt.)
Tseng: RENO! FOR
CHRISSAKES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Rude: Yeah! The
modeling one isn't until next episode!
Reno: Huh? It
isn't? Oh, okay.
(Reno walks off
stage)
Elena's Voice:
Okay. It's !00 gil for the dance, two hundred for the whole thing.
Whaddaya say?
(Camera suddenly
turns to Elena)
Elena: So? Is it a
deal? (Suddenly notices camera and stares with the chocobo-in-the-headlights
look.) Huh? What the hell? (Realizes what's going on) I'M NOT THE SLUT! SHE IS!
(points to Tifa) SHE IS!
Tifa: Huh? WHAT?!
HEY HO-GIRL! I'M NOT THE ONE THAT WAS ABOUT TO SELL HERSELF TO VINNIE!
Elena: YOU BITCH!
Rude: (dancing
around) I knew it! I knew he was a slut!
Reno: Me?
Rude: No! (smacks
himself) I mean Elena!
Elena: NO I'M NOT!
I WAS ARRANGING IT FOR MY SISTER!
Rude: Hah! That
won't work this time! You don't even have a sister!
Elena: Crap!
Besides, I wasn't talking about what you think I was! I was talking about a
ballet-thing
Rude:
(sarcastically) Uh-huh.
Elena: No! Really
I was! Right Vincent? (elbows him in the ribs)
Vincent: Ow! Huh?
Oh yeah…she was!
Tifa: C'mon
Vinnie! Let's leave slut-girl and underwear boy and friends alone!
Reno:
Underwear-Boy?
Elena: Slut-Girl?
(They jump on
Tifa)
Elena: I AM NOT A
SLUT!
Reno: I AM NOT
UNDERWEAR BOY!
(Tifa kicks Reno
in the private area and punches Elena in the chest)
Reno: (five
octaves higher) Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Watch where you put your
foot as*wipe!
Elena: YOU *BITE*
DON'T *BITE* HIT *BITE* ME *BITE* THERE!!! *BITE*
Tseng: Hey! Elena!
Stop!
(Cloud stands up)
Cloud: Hey! If it
ain't the Turks! AVALANCHE attack!
(Tseng, Rude and
Elena run behind Reno)
Tifa: HEY BITCH!
GET BACK HERE!
(Reno pulles out a
pack of underwear)
Reno: Hehehe!
Always knew these'd come in handy! (shoots a pair of underwear at Cloud hitting
him between the eyes)
Cloud: OW! YOU'RE
GONNA PAY FOR THAT!!
(Reno launches
another pair at him)
Cloud: OW! YOU
SONUVABITCH!
Reno: DON'T INSULT
MY MUM!! (Launches a third pair at Cloud)
Cloud: OWW! I
WASN'T INSULTING YOUR MOM! I WAS INSULTING YOU!!
(Reno finds
himself surrounded by AVALANCHE people)
Reno: Umm…(pulls
out a smoke bomb) Haha! You'll never catch me 'cause I'm the gingerbread man!
(throws down smoke bomb) *cough* oh shit…*cough* *cough*
(in the confusion,
Reno slams into the camera, completely ended that episode)
Reno: Oww….nice
job smartaleck….
Cloud: Well, I may
be smart, but my name isn't 'aleck'
Reno: You're
right. It's dumbass.
Cloud: Asswipe…
The End
(In the backstage,
the director shoots himself and dies)