Disclaimer: They're not mine, this is not for profit, please don't sue me, I just love the show. I have used three lines from the show. "And you say… you think… you love this man?" from The Way We Weren't, "choose your allegiances carefully" from the Premiere and "I don't snerch, I procure" from A Bugs Life. They are all © The Jim Henson Company
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The Way We Weren't, (Premiere, A Bugs Life; quotes only)
Setting: Episode Addition to The Way We Weren't
Author Notes: This is actually the first fic I ever wrote, way back in May 2001, it has since had a bit of a re-vamp, but essentially is the same fic, same dialogue as the original. Please read and review. This is my first attempt at dialogue and I need your feedback!
Thanks to Minh for the following stunning lines: "Rygel, I saw you stealing them!" "You, Luxan, are obviously as blind as you are stupid…" and "a vast, empty expanse, liberally dotted with tiny pinpricks, any one of which could be his own Milky Way; a chasm where it seemed nothing existed but the peaceful and eternal darkness. The very manifestation of Mother Nature's paradox - all of these things, and none of them in perfect harmony." They are © T'eyla Minh so please ask before borrowing. And of course, huge thanks as always to Minh, for listening to my insane 1am ramblings, taking my appalling grammar and spelling and turning it into something readable. Without you I wouldn't be writing. :)
The Way We Are
"And you say… you think… you love this man?"
He had to ask that didn't he? He couldn't just leave it, thought Aeryn. Well what did I expect? As Zhaan would say, he is Crichton!
Damn, why did I have to go and push it? John thought. Now she'll clam up on me, or worse, run away. Again. He looked up at Aeryn and was shocked to find such immense pain and sadness in her eyes that he wanted nothing more than to help ease it. God, she's been so hurt, there's no way I can add to that. He looked at her again, and was about to speak when Aeryn spoke first.
"Uh… when I first met him, I felt something I had never felt with anyone else. As I grew to know him, he changed me… and I guess I changed him, too…"
"I wasn't talking about Velorek," John said, gently, not wanting to push too hard, but needing an answer all the same.
"Neither was I… Its just not that easy John." The reply shocked him more than anything had that day, but what worried him more was the tone of voice Aeryn used. There was such pain and fear in those words, and John found himself wondering how could he ever gain her trust, after what she had been through, and the upbringing she'd had. John looked at Aeryn, staring straight ahead, not knowing what had possessed her to admit to that. Review stance, of course: when all else fails, revert to what you know best, John thought ironically.
"I know, its never easy is it?" John said, sympathetically, not pushing any more, just waiting for Aeryn to open up.
"We are-"
Aeryn was interrupted by D'Argo and Rygel entering command, arguing.
"Rygel, I saw you stealing them!"
"You, Luxan, are obviously as blind as you are stupid. And anyway, I don't steal, I… procure"
"Blind? My eyesight is perfect, I can see a…"
Great, they really pick their moments, don't they, thought John. Okay, time to move.
"Come on," John motioned for Aeryn to follow him from command. Aeryn had her usual confused, annoyed, 'what -is-the-human-doing-now' look, which John ignored. She followed him all the same.
They walked through Moya in silence, listening to her rhythms and hums. Aeryn knew exactly where they were heading; it was as much to do with John, as it was to do with Moya's layout - and she knew them both very well.
"It's beautiful, isn't it? I always do my best thinking out here." John said, in way of explanation.
They sat down together with their backs to Moya's internal wall, and looked out into the vastness of space through which they were travelling. To John, it was still amazing: beautiful, cold, endless, chaotic, silent, harsh and mysterious; a vast, empty expanse, liberally dotted with tiny pinpricks, any one of which could be his own Milky Way; a chasm where it seemed nothing existed but the peaceful and eternal darkness. The very manifestation of Mother Nature's paradox - all of these things, and none of them in perfect harmony.
But to Aeryn, who had lived her entire life in space, it was simply, home. They sat in silence for a long time before John plucked up the courage to speak again.
"So, you were saying…"
"What?"
"Back in command before we were interrupted."
"Oh, yeah…" Aeryn paused to think. "I'm not like you, John. There is so much stuff up here," Aeryn pointed to her head, "but I can't put it into words. I don't know how you do it, all the things you come out with. You talk so fast. How do you think about it all?"
John smiled.
"That's the trick, Aeryn. I don't think, at least, not until after I've said it. That's not always a good thing, mind you. But the point is, that is why talking helps. After you say it out loud, then you can think about what you've said, with the space left behind."
Aeryn grinned back.
"You see, you are so different from anyone I have ever known"
"Just speak from the heart." Aeryn's face warned him of another translator microbe hiccup, and he clarified: "I mean, just say what you feel and worry about it later."
Aeryn thought about this for a while, weighing up the situation, and then she spoke:
"We are so different, you and I, and yet we have so much in common. You are as alien to me as I am to you. And there are parts of me that are hard to leave behind. But you have changed me so much…" Aeryn paused and John waited for her to continue, sure that she wasn't finished. "Can I ask you a question?" she eventually asked.
"Sure, ask away."
There was a brief hesitation. "Did you love Alex?"
Okay, I wasn't expecting that! thought John. But I suppose I have to answer if I ever want her to trust me.
"Yes, I did," John replied.
"Do you still love her?" Aeryn's voice was tinged with sadness and hope.
"Umm… I never really thought about it before… no, I don't think I do now. She hurt me so much. I guess she just didn't love me as much as I loved her. I mean she couldn't have, she put her career before our relationship. She took that job over us….
Aeryn's heart sank as he said this and she stared at him, not wanting to believe that this was how he really felt.
John was silent for a moment thinking of Alex and home, and then, raising his eyes to look at Aeryn, he was about to speak… when he saw the anguish on her face, and suddenly realised what he had said. Too late he realised the implications of one simple sentence, and regretted it already.
"Oh God, Aeryn," John exclaimed, his voice filled with dread and fear that he had pushed her away. "I didn't mean… It was totally different… I didn't think…"
"Its okay" Aeryn managed to say, standing up, ready to leave.
"No, Aeryn, it's not okay. I didn't think." John scrambled to his feet and grabbed Aeryn's hand to stop her leaving. "I'm sorry."
"What I did back then… when I betrayed Velorek… I didn't know any better. I'm a different person now…" She tried to reassure him, but John didn't need any reassurance. He already knew.
"I know… You've changed, we both have"
They both paused for a moment before Aeryn continued.
"I would never betray you, John, you know that…"
"Of course… I trust you, Aeryn"
This surprised her. "You do? Even now you know what I did to Velorek…?"
"Yes, I do," John said simply, looking into her eyes. She can't understand this, he thought, slightly shocked, and worried.
"Come here," he said, taking her hand and pulling her down to sit next to him. "Look out there. Somewhere out there is my home. I have no idea where it is, and I am alone out here. I have had to, as you put it, "choose my allegiances carefully", and I've learnt quickly. I've learnt that people can't be trusted, you don't take people at face value out here, and you certainly don't look for the good in people… not if you want to stay alive, anyway! But you, you're different. I have the luxury of being able to look for the good in you, because you haven't been trying to kill me. Well… there was that one time, but I'll let it pass." He smiled. "You have saved my life - in more ways than one - so many times since I arrived in this frelled-up end of the universe, and you have never let me down. You have always been there when I needed back up, and because of that, and because I can see who you truly are, I can trust you."
They sat for arns, holding hands in silence, watching the stars, all their talking done, and with no need to dig up any more painful memories from the past. They sat together, not worrying about the future nor thinking of what had been, but simply living the moment. Eventually Aeryn broke the silence to answer one unanswered question:
"In answer to your first question, John… I do… I think."