Author's Note: This fanfic is a perfect example of what happens when you put a lot of Piccolo obsessed fanfic authors together in a chat room late on Saturday night. Be afraid, be very afraid…
Some of us are mentioned by name, some are not. We know who we are. ^_~ But for those of you who don't, I'll put a list at the end of the fic. Now, this scene and most of the dialogue are ripped off… uh, that is BORROWED, yeah borrowed, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and other various details have been changed to fit in with our warped version of reality. As usual, I do not own any of the DBZ characters. If I owned DBZ, do you really think I would have let FUNi do the dubbing?? Please don't sue me, I own nothing. I can't even really lay claim to my own mind…
Enough of my ramblings. On with the fic. And without any further ado, I am proud (well, maybe not proud, more like terrified…) to present…
The Tale of Sir Piccolo: A Monty Python Parody
Sponsored in part by the PAA (Piccolo Authors Association)
Scribed by Hana Noir
A cold, disoriented figure stumbled through the darkened forest. Thunder roared and winds screamed as the bedraggled knight fought to avoid limbs and roots that seemed determined to entangle him. A wolf howled mournfully in the distance as he crawled across a mist enshrouded clearing.
A faint glimmer caught his eye and he looked up. In the darkness ahead loomed a brooding castle and… There! Glowing with an unearthly beauty was the object of his quest, the Holy Grail! The cries of the wolves startled him from his rapt admiration and spurred him onward. He staggered to the heavy door, the lashing at his worn body. He beat with his armored fist up on the great door.
"Open the door!" he cried, striking the door to the rhythm of the words. "Open the door!! In the name of King Goku, open the door!!!" On the heel of his words, the door swung open and the bone weary knight fell into the keep. He jumped, startled when the door slammed closed behind him.
"Hello."
He jumped again at the sound of soft voices. Looking up, he beheld a beautiful maiden dressed all in white. Behind her were still more fair maids, also dressed in white.
"Welcome, gentle sir knight, welcome to Castle Fanfic."
He blinked, squinting up at the woman suspiciously. "Castle Fanfic??"
"Yes," she replied. "Oh, it is not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need."
"You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?" Sir Piccolo asked, as always concentrating on the task at hand.
"The what?" The maid looked a bit confused.
"The Grail," he repeated, managing to climb to his knees. "It is here?"
"Oh, but you are tired and must rest awhile." The maiden deftly avoided his questions. "Nak, Malenka," she called. Two of the other maids rushed to her side.
"Yes, Miss Sherri?" they asked in unison.
"Prepare a bed for our guest," she instructed genteelly.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" they kept repeating excitedly.
Sherri nodded, waving her hand. "Away, away, varietesses!" Giggling, the two maids hurried off into the castle. "The beds here are warm and soft," she said, extending a hand to the befuddled knight, assisting him to his feet. "And very, very big."
"Well, look I – I – I" He tried again to focus on his quest.
"What is your name, handsome knight?" the maid asked breathlessly, staring up into his dark eyes.
"Sir Piccolo… the Chaste."
"Mine is Sherri. Just Sherri," she said, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously. She placed a hand on his arm, directing him further into the castle. "Oh, but come!"
"No, please," Sir Piccolo insisted as they entered a dark corridor. "In Kami's name, show me the Grail!"
"You have suffered much," Sherri said sweetly. "You are delirious!"
"No, look, I have seen it. It is here!" Sir Piccolo said, trying to pull away from her surprisingly strong grip.
Sherri kept hold of his arm. "Sir Piccolo! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?"
He scowled down at his feet. "Well, I…"
"I'm afraid our lives must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours," Sherri said as they resumed their trek down the corridor. "We are but six young fanfic authors, all between 15 and 27, cut off in this castle with no-one to protect us. Oh, it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting fanfics… uh, I mean underwear." She paused to place her torch in a sconce upon the wall before opening another door and leading him into a bedchamber. "We are just not used to handsome knights!" He struggled slightly as she tugged him toward the bed. "Nay, nay, lie here," she insisted, plopping him down onto the mattress. Her eyes then widened in dismay. "Oh, but you are wounded!"
"No, no!" he exclaimed, trying to fend her off. "It's nothing!"
"Oh, you must see the doctors immediately!" she cried. Sir Piccolo tried to escape her tender ministrations but she proved to be quicker, pushing him back onto the bed. "No, please, lie down." Then she clapped twice sharply. Piccolo's face was a study in apprehension when the two maids from earlier hurried to the side of the bed.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the first in a brisk tone.
"They're doctors?" Sir Piccolo seemed more than a bit skeptical
"They… have basic medical training," Sherri admitted sheepishly. Piccolo made another futile attempt to escape the bed.
"Come, come," Sherri said, her fingers brushing over his forehead, teasing his antennae. "You must try to rest." She looked over at the two waiting maidens. "Dr. Nak, Dr. Malenka, practice your art," she instructed gently, quietly withdrawing from the room. Nak settle down at Sir Piccolo's side while Malenka climbed onto the bed at his feet, pulling away his heavy shield. Piccolo looked at them nervously.
Nak reached immediately for the belt at his waist. "Try to relax," she said, giving him a stern look.
"Are you sure that's necessary?" he asked quickly.
"We must examine you," Nak replied patiently.
Malenka lifted the hem of his tunic, causing an immediate protest from the knight. "There's nothing wring with THAT!" he stammered.
"Please," Nak said firmly. "We are doctors." She reached for the fastening of his trousers.
Piccolo leapt from the bed as if someone had lit a fire beneath him. "No!" he gasped. "I am sworn to chastity!"
"Back to your bed at once!" Nak snapped, pointing to it.
"Torment me no longer!" Sir Piccolo said, snatching up his sword and shield. "I have seen the Grail!"
"There is no Grail here," Nak replied, her tone suggesting that the erstwhile knight had a few screws loose.
"I have seen it!" he shouted, darting through a curtain partitioning off the room. "I have seen—" He broke off, staring at the occupants of the room.
"Hello," they chorused, pausing in their various activities.
A girl bearing a tray laden with cookies walked right up to him. "Hello," she repeated, her voice innocent and sweet. The other maidens smiled and reached out to brush delicate fingers over him as he bumbled through the room. One dark haired girl holding a feathered quill pen even had the nerve to pinch his behind!
He spied the door and raced for it only to find it blocked by— "Sherri!"
She smiled at him. "No I am Sherri's identical twin sister, Sabrina."
"Oh, well, excuse me," Sir Piccolo muttered, attempting to duck past her.
"Where are you going?" she asked, deftly blocking his escape.
"I seek the Grail," Piccolo said desperately. "I have seen it, here, in this castle!!"
Sabrina closed her eyes, thinking hard. "No!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands to her bosom in distress. "Oh, no! Bad, bad Sherri!"
"What?" Sir Piccolo asked anxiously. "What is it?"
"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Sherri!" Sabrina said loudly. "She has been lighting our beacon, which I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem." She shook her head, tsk'ing sadly.
"It's not the real Grail?" Sir Piccolo asked, utterly dismayed.
"Oh wicked, bad, naughty, evil Sherri!" Sabrina lamented, grabbing Sir Piccolo by the hand as leading him back into the room. "She is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty." She stopped in the middle of the room, facing the completely confused knight. "And here in Castle Fanfic, we have but one punishment for lighting the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!"
"A spanking!" the other maids cried in excitement, all gathering around. Sabrina nodded seriously, glancing around the room at her fellow writers.
"Spank her well," she continued. "And after you have spanked her, you may do with her as you like." She paused for a moment, then handed the knight a leather whip. "And then… spank me."
"And me!" Malenka added.
"Me too!" Nak stuck her hand in the air.
"Don't forget about me!" Hana called, waving her feathered quill at the astonished Namekian knight.
"Yes, yes, give us all a good spanking," Sabrina said, grinning broadly. The maid all pushed closer and Sabrina gestured for them to calm down. She then turned back to Sir Piccolo. "And after the spanking, the oral sex!" The girls all began chattering with excitement. In the background, a door opened unnoticed.
Even Sir Piccolo couldn't resist temptation. "Well I guess I could stay a bit longer…" Sabrina took his arm and began to lead him away when another voice cried out.
"Sir Piccolo!" Everyone turned to see another knight approaching.
"Oh, hello," Sir Piccolo said.
"Quick, quick, you're in great peril!" exclaimed Sir Gohan.
"No, he isn't," Sabrina protested.
"Silence, foul temptress!" Sir Gohan shouted, pulling Sir Piccolo away from his admirers. He raised his sword at the maid and Sir Piccolo hastily intervened.
"She's got the point," he said to his comrade.
"We will cover your escape," Sir Gohan ordered, giving his former mentor a not so gentle shove toward the door.
"I'm fine!" Sir Piccolo protested as the knights held the women at bay. "I can tackle this lot single-handed!"
"Let him tackle us single-handed!" the maids exclaimed as the knights hustled down the dark corridor.
"No, Sir Piccolo, come!" Sir Gohan pulled his friend even harder.
"I can handle this lot easily!" Sir Piccolo tried again to pull free from his fellow knight.
"Let him handle us easily!" Sabrina cried, her friends joining in, as she tugged at his tunic.
"Wait, I can defeat them!" Sir Piccolo shouted. "There's only six of them!!"
"Yes, he'll beat us easily," Sabrina said as the knight scurried out through the front door. The only answer was the slamming of the heavy wooden barrier. "Oh, SHIT!" she exclaimed, stomping her foot in disgust.
"We were in the nick of time," Sir Gohan told Sir Piccolo as they made their escape. "You were in great peril."
"I don't think I was," Sir Piccolo retorted as they hurried away from the castle.
"Yes, you were," Sir Gohan said pompously. "You were in terrible peril."
"Look," Sir Piccolo said, pulling away, "let me go back in there and face the peril."
"No, it's too perilous," Sir Gohan insisted.
"It's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can!" Sir Piccolo explained.
"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail," Sir Gohan told him.
"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril," Sir Piccolo whined as they marched around the corner and out of sight.
"No, it's unhealthy," was Sir Gohan's opinion.
"I'll bet you're gay…" Sir Piccolo muttered snidely.
"I am not!!"
insert booming voice-over
Sir Gohan had saved Sir Piccolo from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail…
end voice-over
~~~~~~~
Hana Noir peeks out of her flame proof bunker and peers around. "Oh, is it over?" She dusts off her favorite DBZ shirt and climbs out. "No Namekians were harmed in the making of this fic." She glances around again. "I won't say we didn't molest one or two, but I didn't hear any protests…" She winks over at a gagged and bound Piccolo. "We hoped you liked our little story and if you didn't, well, you didn't need those brain cells anyway." She notices Nak sneaking up on HER Piccolo. "Hey! Mine! Go find your own! Excuse me, gotta defend my territory. Ja, minna!" She dives back into the bunker, from which the sounds of vicious scuffling begins to ensue.
"Oi!" Hana rushes back out. "Almost forgot! I said I'd list the other authors, didn't I?? Well, here it is and don't forget to look for their fics. I promise, they're MUCH better than this!!"
Cast of Characters
Sir Piccolo – Piccolo
Sir Gohan – Gohan
Hana – herself
Sherri – Piccolo0714
Sabrina – Piccolosfire
Nak – Namek Kaia
Malenka – Malenka Saramahki
Girl with cookies – Aino Utena