Disclaimer: They're not mine, this is not for profit, please don't sue me, I just love the show.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: A Human Reaction
Setting: A Human Reaction episode addition
Authors Notes: This episode addition is for my favorite episode of S1 and is one of the first things I ever wrote. Please R&R and be gentle :) Thanks as always to my long-suffering beta, Minh, she is simply the best :)
Loss
John Crichton sat at the maintenance bay table, deep in thought, his flight suit and bag laid out on the table, along with everything from the module. Aeryn watched him from the door, uncertain what to do. Whether to enter or just walk away; take the easy road and leave him to it, or take the difficult option.
Never one to refuse a challenge, Aeryn entered the room.
"Hey," she said.
Crichton didn't look round, but simply replied: "Hey."
Aeryn moved to sit opposite Crichton at the table and said, more pointedly:
"Hey."
Crichton gave her a small grin, remembering another conversation from a few monens back, and shrugged. After a few microts of silence, he said, "This is all I have left, Aeryn. This is it… it all fits on one table… my life…" He gestured at the contents of his flight bag lying before him.
"It may not be like that… you don't know for certain… maybe the Ancients got it wrong…" Aeryn fumbled for the right words to try to give him hope, something to hold on to. Talking about emotions and feelings was as alien to her as Crichton himself. It was certainly not her strong point, but she had to try, for him.
The reaction her words provoked from Crichton surprised and shocked Aeryn. His voice was hard and angry.
"It was constructed from my memories, Aeryn, from everything I know. How can it not be like that…?"
"You mustn't lose hope…" Aeryn replied, lamely, not knowing what to say.
"You don't understand, Aeryn. You just don't get it do you? They might as well all be dead, Dad, DK, everyone… I am never going to see them again. Before today, I always had hope… hope that one day I could get back… get back to normal… get back what I had lost… But now, I have nothing, nada, zilch… no-one…" Crichton's voice trailed off, unable to continue, his voice choked with tears.
Aeryn had never seen him like this before. He always had some joke, some wize-krik, as he called it, to make about a situation. Even if she didn't understand them, for some reason these anecdotes from Crichton's life reassured her in many of the situations they had gotten into together. Looking at him now scared her, seeing him like this, lost, with all hope gone. Aeryn thought for a while. What if their roles were reversed? How would John deal with this? Of course, what was Crichton's answer to everything, but to talk?
"You're wrong, you know, John. I do understand… I understand what it is like to lose everything, to lose the life you know, the only people who you understood and who understood you. I can never go back, I have been irreversibly contaminated, not only in the eyes of the peacekeepers but also because of the person I have become. I have changed too much to return now."
Crichton looked up into Aeryn's eyes, and she was again shocked by what she saw, not anger or sadness but… was it guilt?
"I'm sorry..."
"For what?" Aeryn asked, although she already knew what was coming
"For that."
Aeryn looked away, unable to hold his gaze, she took a deep breath,
"I lost everything when I stood up for you… but I don't blame you, John. It was my decision, and now I can see that everything that I have lost is worth nothing compared to everything I have gained."
She stood up and began putting Crichton's things back into the flight bag,
"I will say to you something someone once said to me… some day you will be able to achieve closure. Today is not that day, today is for remembering what you have lost, but also seeing what you have gained."
Aeryn turned towards Crichton and cautiously looked at him, worried she had said the wrong thing. Crichton was looking right back at her, with an amazed look on his face.
"Since when did you get so smart?" he asked, smiling weakly.
Aeryn smiled in return and replied: "Since I left the Peacekeepers and met a certain strange alien from a 'planet called Erp'."
Crichton grinned back at Aeryn and reached out across the table to take her hand.
"Thank you."
"For what?" Aeryn asked, confused once more.
"For just being there… being you…"
They stayed there for a few microts, Aeryn standing, Crichton sitting, holding her hand. Then, after a while, Crichton got up to leave. He picked up the flight bag, and squeezed Aeryn's hand once more, before repeating: "Thank you."
"John?"
"Yep?"
Aeryn hesitated, unsure whether to speak or not. Crichton nodded, encouraging her.
"You're not alone either… you have me…" Aeryn said, awkwardly, looking at the ground between herself and Crichton. He squeezed her hand once again and, smiling, whispered:
"I know."