~*~ This is part two of the chapter In the Pursuit of Trivial Things.
Wood left Legolas to say goodbye to a good, stylish shirt in peace and retired to his rooms.
Meanwhile Legolas had found his way down to the lake where he doused the small shoe box containing the shreds of his beloved Armani in petrol. Whispering a sorrowful farewell he lit a match with a quick flick of his wrist, threw it onto the box and hurriedly pushed it into the middle of the lake. A fitting death for a true Viking he thought before settling down with his back to a large, old tree and studying the envelope Wood had given him. It had written on it in big, bold letters: SHHH. EVEN YOU SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ENVELOPE AND IF YOU ARE NOT WHO I HOPE YOU ARE YOU CERTAINLY SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ENVELOPE. Legolas was very confused as to the meaning of the bold message but he was sure he was who they hoped he was so, with a growing sense of dread, he slowly opened the envelope...
Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing happened. Legolas slowly opened one eye, then the other and looked around. Nothing. He was not fooled for a moment he stood up and shouted:
"Alright, come out, I know you are there." As he spoke two bushes waddled up to the tree. He looked down at them. They weren't bushes they were...
"Crabbe and Goyle I should have known."
A head popped out from the bush on his right.
"Are youse the one whose supposed to open that envelope, like?"
Legolas nodded.
A head popped out from the bush on his left.
"Good. We was just checking, like."
And they both waddled away.
The elf shook his head.
"Cheap models." He murmured before sitting down again and examining the envelopes contents. There was simply a scrap of paper it read thus:
I'm assuming you are who you are supposed
to be and so here is your first task: TASK 1
There is an upcoming Trivial Pursuit match
between P. Snape and Wood. Your task is to
train Wood so there is no chance of Snape
winning. Cheating is advised as the best
option. (no offence Mr BIGDADDY, sir)
You have two days to complete your mission.
I need not tell you what will happen if you
fail, suffice to say if your general
knowledge isn't too good I would advise
you to put your affairs in order.
Signed Mr Man- head of the ridiculous
tasks division in the Stafia.
Legolas scratched his head `who was this Snape anyway? The only other Professor he had met apart from the D - man was that weird stern looking chick with the substandard hat. He massaged his temples `this was going to be a long weekend.'
It was Saturday morning and Legolas was up at the crack of dawn running around the Hogwart's grounds in his `exercise gear'. Legolas wouldn't usually dare to do something so undignified but these were extenuating circumstances. Legolas's exercise gear consisted of an excruciatingly tight gold spandex body suit with black speed stripes and a dog tag with `master chief' printed on it. Legolas ran around for a good while. He passed Hagrid at a break neck speed.
"Who was that yellow spandex clad man?" Hagrid's head followed the speeding figure until it was completely out of view.
When Legolas had finished his run it was breakfast time in the Great Hall but as he didn't have time to change he decided he'd go as he was. It was still very early in the morning even though breakfast was officially being served it was a Saturday so it would be served for a long time. Only the extremely keen students were up this early - some would call them mad in fact most did as well as you freak and occasionally you git. But it turns out today that these few eager students would be in for the treat of their lives (well the female one's that is - though the males can look and appreciate it if they want). As it turned out Hermione was one of these mad but enthusiastic gits. She was the only Gryfindor up so she had an entire table to her disposal. Various large and menacing looking books were spread across it. The books were piled high so Hermione only had a partial view of the door way but that didn't matter as she was completely enthralled in a book titled ` So You Want
to See an Elf Naked?' At that moment the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher walked, sorry, strutted in wearing a gold spandex body suit. Hermione gave the figure a quick look then registering what she just saw she quickly picked up another book to cover her current entertainment. The book was titled `10 Steps to Getting Those Pointy Ears into Your Bed'. Legolas paced up to the teachers table and sat elegantly facing the shell shocked eager freaks.
"Why on earth would anyone want to get up this early? What are you some kind of raring to go freak brigade?" Legolas questioned the students.
"Yeah!" they all shouted punching their fists in the air.
He groaned. Suddenly he remembered why he had got up so early himself. Wasn't this pack of no-hopers precisely what he had been looking for? Of course they were.
"So." He stood up again and walked down to the book strewn Griffindor table and perched himself on the edge, ready to address the band of geeks. Hermoine squeaked at the sight of his nicely rounded buttocks sitting on the table in front of her and promptly toppled of her chair taking a stack of books with her. Looking down at her with little interest he saw a book had fallen open on a page where there was a revealingly posed elf. Looking closer(purely out of interest and through no homosexual tendencies of his own) he saw that the flexible centrefold looked scarily like his grandfather. He gave a little shiver of disgust and turned his attention back to the eager insomniacs who were watching him closely, waiting to see what a cool dude like him could want with them. He found himself thinking the same thing but swallowing his pride for the sake of his life he leaned forward.
"I need some help." He admitted. Seeing the looks they were giving him he continued "Not psychiatric help, I need you all to help me train a masked man for a high profile trivial pursuit match." He added a few embellishments to make them feel a bit more important. These workaholics would probably think a trivial pursuit match was more exciting and thrilling then a quidditch match. And the masked bit? Well it probably wouldn't be good for information to leak out that the head of the stafia was needing help to win a Parker Brothers game. I'm just too quick Legolas thought to himself, too smooth, too brilliant, too spectacular, too stupendous, too...but he was rudely awoken from his self-congratulative stupor by two little words spoken by a tiny kid with glasses bigger than the rest of his body.
"How much?"
Legolas had been afraid of this.
"Wouldn't you do it simply for the great feeling of making another person as smart as you were? Wouldn't you do it simply for human kind."
"Perhaps," said the same little boy who it seemed had been made spokesperson for the motley crew. "but you aren't human, are you sir."
"Oh, you're so sharp you'll cut yourself on those abnormally large glasses." Legolas hissed losing his temper. "Well here's the deal. No offence but you lot couldn't dress for a social occasion if the entire teams of both Armani and Gucci were knocking on your door. I will give each and every one of you advice on how to cover your pimples, your runtiness and make you lot the best dressed gang on the block." Legolas was proud of his speech and the children seemed mightily impressed too.
"It's a deal." The boy said and they solemnly shook hands.
"Right," Legolas was amazingly stunned with himself, "I'll see you lot at the marquee at the edge of the forbidden forest at 10 `o' clock sharp."
"What marquee?" they all asked. Legolas was decidedly fed up with their lack of imagination.
"Well there can't be too many bloody marquees down there so I'd suggest you go into the one that is there. No marquee no training is my motto. I suggest it be yours too." and with that he swirled around, his gold trouser legs fanning out in a dramatic fashion, and strutted back out of the great hall.
When Ron and Harry finally managed to drag themselves up from their all too comfy beds it was 11 o'clock in the morning. They made their way down to the Great Hall and sat down.
"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged still in a bad mood. Harry was in such a bad mood that he kicked his legs out in disgust and rage. He connected with a something soft that groaned slightly. Ron shot Harry a look before they both dived under the table and emerged with a dazed and bruised Hermione.
"Wha... What happened Hermione?" Ron stammered as he dusted her off. Hermione just stared at them. After a few minutes of nigh fruitless interrogation Harry and Ron had managed to surmise that Hermione had been flicking through her elf porn collection when all of a sudden she had seen two golden disks of splendour appear at the edge of the table she had then passed out from far too much perverse consumption and had been kicked under the table when normal society awoke to feed about an hour ago. Suddenly Hermoine's eyes cleared and she grabbed each boy by the collar and shook them violently.
"What time is it?" she screamed in their faces. Harry looked at the large clock in the great hall and after several minutes of him whispering to himself
"When the big hand is pointing to the 12 it is..." and "so that's a 3 no it's a 9." Hermoine looked for herself and nearly fainted again.
"11:15!!! I'm so late, I have to go!" and she tore out of the door leading to the grounds, her black robes flapping and elf pin-ups flying every which way. Ron and Harry looked at each other and Harry scowled his forehead crumpling making his scar fold like a concertina. Ron was very impressed and made a mental note to visit a tattoo artist soon to get a lightening bolt/folk music instrument on is forehead.
Meanwhile, down at the edge of the forbidden forest a large silver marquee had been erected and unkempt looking children were streaming inside. Hermoine walked inside too and gave a small gasp. On the top of a large podium Legolas was stretched out on a sun bed in a Hawaiian shirt with matching shorts, a small gap in the marquees roof allowed a single beam of sunlight to shine down on him surrounding him in a golden glow. In his hand he held a large martini glass so full of little umbrellas it was impossible to see what it was he was drinking. Legolas with his huge CIA looking glasses was unsuccessfully trying to take a sip of the unidentified liquid without getting stabbed by those vicious little umbrellas. Cho Chang from Ravenclaw was balancing precariously on the edge of his pedestal waving him with a large banana leaf. Hermoine felt a stab of jealousy and turned away to see what everyone else was doing. On a slightly smaller podium to the left of Legolas's there was a
masked man surrounded by the smartest people in the school. Several seemed to be crying as they tried to explain to the hooded figure why the afternoon was the best time to buy shoes. Hanging from the top of the marquee was a large sign that read:
THOSE WHO WISH TO EDUCATE THE MASKED MAN PLEASE MOVE TO THE QUEUE ON THE LEFT.
THOSE WHO WISH TO TAKE TURNS FANNING THE ELF SHOULD MOVE TO THE QUEUE ON THE RIGHT.
THOSE WHO SIMPLY WISH TO BE THE ELF'S ADORING CROWD SHOULD CONGREGATE UNDER THE RIGHT PODIUM. Hermione was unsure which line she should join. She weighed the choices up, on the one hand she could actually meet and speak to the masked man and in the other she could fan the man she had spent the last several hours (stupor included) `studying'. The choice was just so hard! Hermione was sweating profusely which made her a menacing sight indeed. So she just stood there, a queue civil war raging in her mind.
The weekend flew by. Geeks fretting over Oliver, Oliver had managed to break nearly all of them - those poor souls became walking corpses who twitched violently when ever spoken to. The remaining freaks had banded together to form a scary but enthusiastic educational horde. They had surrounded Wood and were shooting general knowledge questions at him from their collective semi automatic mind. To Legolas's complete surprise they had actually managed to teach Wood something! It was half an hour till the match would take place so Legolas decided he would go coordinate their wardrobes. He decided on purple suits and ties with dark green shirts. With about 15 minutes to go Legolas shooed away the nerds and ushered Wood into the changing rooms.
"Ooh ah Cantona!" Said Wood, obviously impressed by Legolas's fashion selection. Legolas also took the chance to change.
Snape was in his dungeon, fingers drumming the table as he waited impatiently for the Stafia boss to arrive. He was about to send one of his lackeys out to search and retrieve the truant former Quiddich captain when the small oak door opened with a creak. A little 1st year weed from Gryfindor skittered in, holding the door wide open. Snape was just about to abuse the little damn freak when the new Defence against the Dark Art's teacher appeared at the doorway, calmly jumping over the steps and onto the floor so lightly that Snape, the master of brilliant entries, was impressed. Legolas gave Snape a superior smile then bowed his head ever so slightly as Oliver Wood entered. Both men were dressed in identical purple suits and ties with dark green shirts. Legolas was wearing circular John Lennon style sun glasses while Wood wore a pair of sun glasses in the shape of stars.
"Evening Professor." Drawled Legolas as he sat himself down in one of the luxurious chairs that surround the table at which Snape sat. Snape gave a slight nod of his head in acknowledgment.
"Sir." Said Wood simply as he too chose a seat and sat down. Snape smiled faintly, placing both his hands on the table.
"Well gentlemen shall we begin?" Oliver raised a thick eyebrow over the spokes of his glasses.
"Lets." The game was already set up and ready to go so Wood rolled first. He got a 6, smiled to himself and decided he would attempt the hardest set of questions on the board - the pinks. It was Snapes turn to smile he was positively sure Oliver Wood would get this wrong - he had taught the boy and found him less than ordinary, how he had managed to become the head of the Stafia was completely beyond him.
"What was the theme song of the popular WV (Wizard Vision) show Mark the Mischievous Male Mermaid?" Legolas had no idea who Mark was or why he was deemed so mischievous but hoped to heaven that Wood did. Wood rubbed his chin in thought. Da dum dum dum, no that wasn't it, dum di dum dum di maybe? Snape was starring at Wood intently. Suddenly Wood's face broke into a huge grin. He jumped up out of his chair and started dancing while he sang.
"Oh Mark's a male mermaid at least we all hope so but he's a got a bloody tail so there's no way to know! We took him to the doctors we took him to the Vet's then took him to the bookies so we could all place bets-" Oliver went on like this for some time, scaring Legolas and Snape beyond words.
"Enough," Snape snapped after Wood had repeated the song several times over. "they ask for the name of the song not the ****ing tune. Legolas observed with interest how much **** was a world wide phenomena. Muggles and elfs also used this particular swear word and in large quantities, sometimes. Legolas would never forget that particular girl elf who, when faced with Legolas's stunning looks had reeled off a sentence that had sounded a lot like: `Whoah who the plucking bell is he? He's clucking, muddy excellent! I'd like a mucking big bit of that tucker!' Legolas was pulled out his day dreaming by Wood shouting.
"Eureka, I've got it."
"Your bath water over-flowed?" asked Snape innocently but with underlying malice.
"No, the song was called Mark the Mischievous Male Mermaid."
"Damn!" Snape swore under his breath. "Your turn again."
Wood rolled a five, landed on roll again and proceeded to roll a two and land on green, science and nature. Snape cackled. He had overheard Hagrid whinge about how pathetic Wood had been in care of magical creatures class and Hogwarts didn't teach science so there was no way he would know the answer. Snape licked his lips and read the green question.
"What creature when pushed up the left nostril instinctively finds its way out by means of the right ear?"
Wood grinned.
"I know this one. I know this one." He sang. "The answer is The Left-Right Bug. Left-Right bugs always start things on the left and work their way to finish on the right. Everyone knows that."
Snape turned purple.
"You're cheating!" he yelled.
"Am not!" Wood retorted
"He isn't." Legolas agreed and so Snape dropped it. Not without his fair share of grumbling though.
"I go again." Wood grabbed the dice and rolled a two onto roll again and then a five which took him to the brown cheese, Literature. Snape snatched up a card and read as fast as he could.
"WhatwasthenameofBingoBongo'sgranfatherin'Don'tTouchThatBingoBongo!'?"
Wood looked confused and frightened.
"Hey!" Legolas glared at Snape. "No cheating, read the card properly or Wood wins by default." Snape grumbled some more but read the question more slowly.
"What was the name of Bingo Bongo's grandfather in `Don't Touch That Bingo Bongo!'?"
"I love that story!" Wood yelled enthusiastically. "Bingo Bongo's grandfather is called Bongo Bingo. It's the family name." he confided to Legolas. Snape sat seething while Wood rolled again. A five onto roll again and a two. He was now on the blue cheese, People and Places. Snape `accidentally' knocked Wood's piece off the board as he reached for a card sending it spinning across the dungeons. Legolas picked it up, never taking his eyes off Snape as he read the next question.
"What little known pub is the home of the international crime syndicate the Stafia?"
Wood sat quietly for a minute, then two minutes, then three sweat was beginning to roll down his face and drip off his nose.
"Uuummm..." he said shakily after five minutes had elapsed.
"Tick, tock , tick , tock" whispered Snape adding to the tension.
"Uuuummm..." suddenly Wood reached into his pocket and brought out his business card. "Ah ha! The Leaky Jock Strap." He crowed triumphantly. Legolas let out his breath in a loud whooosh. Not that he would ever show it but he had been feeling decidedly panicky as the minutes had ticked by. Snape ripped the card in two and jumped up and down on it before returning to the table.
"Fine!" he snarled "Your turn again Cabana boy." Wood picked up the dice and completely by chance threw a two onto roll again then a five onto the orange question, sport and leisure. Snape knew Wood would get this one easily and sure enough Snape had only said:
"Wh..." Before Wood had stepped in with:
"1949, world cup. Brazil vs. Estonia. Big Fella the Estonian seeker caught the snitch two minutes into the game."
"Correct." Snape hissed "But I believe I should take points off for too much information."
Legolas stood up.
"You will do no such thing Snape." He whispered quietly but he made his point and Snape contented himself with tipping all the cards out of his box and placing it on his head while dancing the can-can. After he had finished his little display Wood clapped politely and through pure dumb luck rolled a five onto roll again followed by a two onto the last cheese he didn't have. Yellow, history. Snape picked a card up from the floor and read:
"Who stole the greatest hat in the world?" There was dead silence in the dungeon. Legolas slowly turned to Wood.
"You stole this vision of perfection sitting on my head? You stole it. I'M WEARING DODGY GOODS?!"
"Calm down Legolas." Wood said looking slightly unnerved.
"CALM DOWN?! CALM DOWN?! I'M PERFECTLY CALM!"
Wood turned to Snape.
"The answer to your question is Bwaye. One of the Stafia's hench men. Very quick on his feet. Quite good quality for quite a low price." Snape broke down into tears and fled the dungeon knowing that there was no point in asking the final question. It would only degrade him further.
Wood turned back to Legolas.
"Legolas, you have to let me explain. It was the only way."
"Go away Wood." Legolas answered turning away. "I can't talk to you right now, I'm disgusted in you!" and he too fled the dungeons.
~*~
The Stafia are feeling in a particularly good mood today so we wont bore you with are warnings and taunts. But be advised this could all change very quickly - so don't push us and be good boys, girls and monkeys and leave a review, better still leave two.
Wood left Legolas to say goodbye to a good, stylish shirt in peace and retired to his rooms.
Meanwhile Legolas had found his way down to the lake where he doused the small shoe box containing the shreds of his beloved Armani in petrol. Whispering a sorrowful farewell he lit a match with a quick flick of his wrist, threw it onto the box and hurriedly pushed it into the middle of the lake. A fitting death for a true Viking he thought before settling down with his back to a large, old tree and studying the envelope Wood had given him. It had written on it in big, bold letters: SHHH. EVEN YOU SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ENVELOPE AND IF YOU ARE NOT WHO I HOPE YOU ARE YOU CERTAINLY SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ENVELOPE. Legolas was very confused as to the meaning of the bold message but he was sure he was who they hoped he was so, with a growing sense of dread, he slowly opened the envelope...
Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing happened. Legolas slowly opened one eye, then the other and looked around. Nothing. He was not fooled for a moment he stood up and shouted:
"Alright, come out, I know you are there." As he spoke two bushes waddled up to the tree. He looked down at them. They weren't bushes they were...
"Crabbe and Goyle I should have known."
A head popped out from the bush on his right.
"Are youse the one whose supposed to open that envelope, like?"
Legolas nodded.
A head popped out from the bush on his left.
"Good. We was just checking, like."
And they both waddled away.
The elf shook his head.
"Cheap models." He murmured before sitting down again and examining the envelopes contents. There was simply a scrap of paper it read thus:
I'm assuming you are who you are supposed
to be and so here is your first task: TASK 1
There is an upcoming Trivial Pursuit match
between P. Snape and Wood. Your task is to
train Wood so there is no chance of Snape
winning. Cheating is advised as the best
option. (no offence Mr BIGDADDY, sir)
You have two days to complete your mission.
I need not tell you what will happen if you
fail, suffice to say if your general
knowledge isn't too good I would advise
you to put your affairs in order.
Signed Mr Man- head of the ridiculous
tasks division in the Stafia.
Legolas scratched his head `who was this Snape anyway? The only other Professor he had met apart from the D - man was that weird stern looking chick with the substandard hat. He massaged his temples `this was going to be a long weekend.'
It was Saturday morning and Legolas was up at the crack of dawn running around the Hogwart's grounds in his `exercise gear'. Legolas wouldn't usually dare to do something so undignified but these were extenuating circumstances. Legolas's exercise gear consisted of an excruciatingly tight gold spandex body suit with black speed stripes and a dog tag with `master chief' printed on it. Legolas ran around for a good while. He passed Hagrid at a break neck speed.
"Who was that yellow spandex clad man?" Hagrid's head followed the speeding figure until it was completely out of view.
When Legolas had finished his run it was breakfast time in the Great Hall but as he didn't have time to change he decided he'd go as he was. It was still very early in the morning even though breakfast was officially being served it was a Saturday so it would be served for a long time. Only the extremely keen students were up this early - some would call them mad in fact most did as well as you freak and occasionally you git. But it turns out today that these few eager students would be in for the treat of their lives (well the female one's that is - though the males can look and appreciate it if they want). As it turned out Hermione was one of these mad but enthusiastic gits. She was the only Gryfindor up so she had an entire table to her disposal. Various large and menacing looking books were spread across it. The books were piled high so Hermione only had a partial view of the door way but that didn't matter as she was completely enthralled in a book titled ` So You Want
to See an Elf Naked?' At that moment the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher walked, sorry, strutted in wearing a gold spandex body suit. Hermione gave the figure a quick look then registering what she just saw she quickly picked up another book to cover her current entertainment. The book was titled `10 Steps to Getting Those Pointy Ears into Your Bed'. Legolas paced up to the teachers table and sat elegantly facing the shell shocked eager freaks.
"Why on earth would anyone want to get up this early? What are you some kind of raring to go freak brigade?" Legolas questioned the students.
"Yeah!" they all shouted punching their fists in the air.
He groaned. Suddenly he remembered why he had got up so early himself. Wasn't this pack of no-hopers precisely what he had been looking for? Of course they were.
"So." He stood up again and walked down to the book strewn Griffindor table and perched himself on the edge, ready to address the band of geeks. Hermoine squeaked at the sight of his nicely rounded buttocks sitting on the table in front of her and promptly toppled of her chair taking a stack of books with her. Looking down at her with little interest he saw a book had fallen open on a page where there was a revealingly posed elf. Looking closer(purely out of interest and through no homosexual tendencies of his own) he saw that the flexible centrefold looked scarily like his grandfather. He gave a little shiver of disgust and turned his attention back to the eager insomniacs who were watching him closely, waiting to see what a cool dude like him could want with them. He found himself thinking the same thing but swallowing his pride for the sake of his life he leaned forward.
"I need some help." He admitted. Seeing the looks they were giving him he continued "Not psychiatric help, I need you all to help me train a masked man for a high profile trivial pursuit match." He added a few embellishments to make them feel a bit more important. These workaholics would probably think a trivial pursuit match was more exciting and thrilling then a quidditch match. And the masked bit? Well it probably wouldn't be good for information to leak out that the head of the stafia was needing help to win a Parker Brothers game. I'm just too quick Legolas thought to himself, too smooth, too brilliant, too spectacular, too stupendous, too...but he was rudely awoken from his self-congratulative stupor by two little words spoken by a tiny kid with glasses bigger than the rest of his body.
"How much?"
Legolas had been afraid of this.
"Wouldn't you do it simply for the great feeling of making another person as smart as you were? Wouldn't you do it simply for human kind."
"Perhaps," said the same little boy who it seemed had been made spokesperson for the motley crew. "but you aren't human, are you sir."
"Oh, you're so sharp you'll cut yourself on those abnormally large glasses." Legolas hissed losing his temper. "Well here's the deal. No offence but you lot couldn't dress for a social occasion if the entire teams of both Armani and Gucci were knocking on your door. I will give each and every one of you advice on how to cover your pimples, your runtiness and make you lot the best dressed gang on the block." Legolas was proud of his speech and the children seemed mightily impressed too.
"It's a deal." The boy said and they solemnly shook hands.
"Right," Legolas was amazingly stunned with himself, "I'll see you lot at the marquee at the edge of the forbidden forest at 10 `o' clock sharp."
"What marquee?" they all asked. Legolas was decidedly fed up with their lack of imagination.
"Well there can't be too many bloody marquees down there so I'd suggest you go into the one that is there. No marquee no training is my motto. I suggest it be yours too." and with that he swirled around, his gold trouser legs fanning out in a dramatic fashion, and strutted back out of the great hall.
When Ron and Harry finally managed to drag themselves up from their all too comfy beds it was 11 o'clock in the morning. They made their way down to the Great Hall and sat down.
"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged still in a bad mood. Harry was in such a bad mood that he kicked his legs out in disgust and rage. He connected with a something soft that groaned slightly. Ron shot Harry a look before they both dived under the table and emerged with a dazed and bruised Hermione.
"Wha... What happened Hermione?" Ron stammered as he dusted her off. Hermione just stared at them. After a few minutes of nigh fruitless interrogation Harry and Ron had managed to surmise that Hermione had been flicking through her elf porn collection when all of a sudden she had seen two golden disks of splendour appear at the edge of the table she had then passed out from far too much perverse consumption and had been kicked under the table when normal society awoke to feed about an hour ago. Suddenly Hermoine's eyes cleared and she grabbed each boy by the collar and shook them violently.
"What time is it?" she screamed in their faces. Harry looked at the large clock in the great hall and after several minutes of him whispering to himself
"When the big hand is pointing to the 12 it is..." and "so that's a 3 no it's a 9." Hermoine looked for herself and nearly fainted again.
"11:15!!! I'm so late, I have to go!" and she tore out of the door leading to the grounds, her black robes flapping and elf pin-ups flying every which way. Ron and Harry looked at each other and Harry scowled his forehead crumpling making his scar fold like a concertina. Ron was very impressed and made a mental note to visit a tattoo artist soon to get a lightening bolt/folk music instrument on is forehead.
Meanwhile, down at the edge of the forbidden forest a large silver marquee had been erected and unkempt looking children were streaming inside. Hermoine walked inside too and gave a small gasp. On the top of a large podium Legolas was stretched out on a sun bed in a Hawaiian shirt with matching shorts, a small gap in the marquees roof allowed a single beam of sunlight to shine down on him surrounding him in a golden glow. In his hand he held a large martini glass so full of little umbrellas it was impossible to see what it was he was drinking. Legolas with his huge CIA looking glasses was unsuccessfully trying to take a sip of the unidentified liquid without getting stabbed by those vicious little umbrellas. Cho Chang from Ravenclaw was balancing precariously on the edge of his pedestal waving him with a large banana leaf. Hermoine felt a stab of jealousy and turned away to see what everyone else was doing. On a slightly smaller podium to the left of Legolas's there was a
masked man surrounded by the smartest people in the school. Several seemed to be crying as they tried to explain to the hooded figure why the afternoon was the best time to buy shoes. Hanging from the top of the marquee was a large sign that read:
THOSE WHO WISH TO EDUCATE THE MASKED MAN PLEASE MOVE TO THE QUEUE ON THE LEFT.
THOSE WHO WISH TO TAKE TURNS FANNING THE ELF SHOULD MOVE TO THE QUEUE ON THE RIGHT.
THOSE WHO SIMPLY WISH TO BE THE ELF'S ADORING CROWD SHOULD CONGREGATE UNDER THE RIGHT PODIUM. Hermione was unsure which line she should join. She weighed the choices up, on the one hand she could actually meet and speak to the masked man and in the other she could fan the man she had spent the last several hours (stupor included) `studying'. The choice was just so hard! Hermione was sweating profusely which made her a menacing sight indeed. So she just stood there, a queue civil war raging in her mind.
The weekend flew by. Geeks fretting over Oliver, Oliver had managed to break nearly all of them - those poor souls became walking corpses who twitched violently when ever spoken to. The remaining freaks had banded together to form a scary but enthusiastic educational horde. They had surrounded Wood and were shooting general knowledge questions at him from their collective semi automatic mind. To Legolas's complete surprise they had actually managed to teach Wood something! It was half an hour till the match would take place so Legolas decided he would go coordinate their wardrobes. He decided on purple suits and ties with dark green shirts. With about 15 minutes to go Legolas shooed away the nerds and ushered Wood into the changing rooms.
"Ooh ah Cantona!" Said Wood, obviously impressed by Legolas's fashion selection. Legolas also took the chance to change.
Snape was in his dungeon, fingers drumming the table as he waited impatiently for the Stafia boss to arrive. He was about to send one of his lackeys out to search and retrieve the truant former Quiddich captain when the small oak door opened with a creak. A little 1st year weed from Gryfindor skittered in, holding the door wide open. Snape was just about to abuse the little damn freak when the new Defence against the Dark Art's teacher appeared at the doorway, calmly jumping over the steps and onto the floor so lightly that Snape, the master of brilliant entries, was impressed. Legolas gave Snape a superior smile then bowed his head ever so slightly as Oliver Wood entered. Both men were dressed in identical purple suits and ties with dark green shirts. Legolas was wearing circular John Lennon style sun glasses while Wood wore a pair of sun glasses in the shape of stars.
"Evening Professor." Drawled Legolas as he sat himself down in one of the luxurious chairs that surround the table at which Snape sat. Snape gave a slight nod of his head in acknowledgment.
"Sir." Said Wood simply as he too chose a seat and sat down. Snape smiled faintly, placing both his hands on the table.
"Well gentlemen shall we begin?" Oliver raised a thick eyebrow over the spokes of his glasses.
"Lets." The game was already set up and ready to go so Wood rolled first. He got a 6, smiled to himself and decided he would attempt the hardest set of questions on the board - the pinks. It was Snapes turn to smile he was positively sure Oliver Wood would get this wrong - he had taught the boy and found him less than ordinary, how he had managed to become the head of the Stafia was completely beyond him.
"What was the theme song of the popular WV (Wizard Vision) show Mark the Mischievous Male Mermaid?" Legolas had no idea who Mark was or why he was deemed so mischievous but hoped to heaven that Wood did. Wood rubbed his chin in thought. Da dum dum dum, no that wasn't it, dum di dum dum di maybe? Snape was starring at Wood intently. Suddenly Wood's face broke into a huge grin. He jumped up out of his chair and started dancing while he sang.
"Oh Mark's a male mermaid at least we all hope so but he's a got a bloody tail so there's no way to know! We took him to the doctors we took him to the Vet's then took him to the bookies so we could all place bets-" Oliver went on like this for some time, scaring Legolas and Snape beyond words.
"Enough," Snape snapped after Wood had repeated the song several times over. "they ask for the name of the song not the ****ing tune. Legolas observed with interest how much **** was a world wide phenomena. Muggles and elfs also used this particular swear word and in large quantities, sometimes. Legolas would never forget that particular girl elf who, when faced with Legolas's stunning looks had reeled off a sentence that had sounded a lot like: `Whoah who the plucking bell is he? He's clucking, muddy excellent! I'd like a mucking big bit of that tucker!' Legolas was pulled out his day dreaming by Wood shouting.
"Eureka, I've got it."
"Your bath water over-flowed?" asked Snape innocently but with underlying malice.
"No, the song was called Mark the Mischievous Male Mermaid."
"Damn!" Snape swore under his breath. "Your turn again."
Wood rolled a five, landed on roll again and proceeded to roll a two and land on green, science and nature. Snape cackled. He had overheard Hagrid whinge about how pathetic Wood had been in care of magical creatures class and Hogwarts didn't teach science so there was no way he would know the answer. Snape licked his lips and read the green question.
"What creature when pushed up the left nostril instinctively finds its way out by means of the right ear?"
Wood grinned.
"I know this one. I know this one." He sang. "The answer is The Left-Right Bug. Left-Right bugs always start things on the left and work their way to finish on the right. Everyone knows that."
Snape turned purple.
"You're cheating!" he yelled.
"Am not!" Wood retorted
"He isn't." Legolas agreed and so Snape dropped it. Not without his fair share of grumbling though.
"I go again." Wood grabbed the dice and rolled a two onto roll again and then a five which took him to the brown cheese, Literature. Snape snatched up a card and read as fast as he could.
"WhatwasthenameofBingoBongo'sgranfatherin'Don'tTouchThatBingoBongo!'?"
Wood looked confused and frightened.
"Hey!" Legolas glared at Snape. "No cheating, read the card properly or Wood wins by default." Snape grumbled some more but read the question more slowly.
"What was the name of Bingo Bongo's grandfather in `Don't Touch That Bingo Bongo!'?"
"I love that story!" Wood yelled enthusiastically. "Bingo Bongo's grandfather is called Bongo Bingo. It's the family name." he confided to Legolas. Snape sat seething while Wood rolled again. A five onto roll again and a two. He was now on the blue cheese, People and Places. Snape `accidentally' knocked Wood's piece off the board as he reached for a card sending it spinning across the dungeons. Legolas picked it up, never taking his eyes off Snape as he read the next question.
"What little known pub is the home of the international crime syndicate the Stafia?"
Wood sat quietly for a minute, then two minutes, then three sweat was beginning to roll down his face and drip off his nose.
"Uuummm..." he said shakily after five minutes had elapsed.
"Tick, tock , tick , tock" whispered Snape adding to the tension.
"Uuuummm..." suddenly Wood reached into his pocket and brought out his business card. "Ah ha! The Leaky Jock Strap." He crowed triumphantly. Legolas let out his breath in a loud whooosh. Not that he would ever show it but he had been feeling decidedly panicky as the minutes had ticked by. Snape ripped the card in two and jumped up and down on it before returning to the table.
"Fine!" he snarled "Your turn again Cabana boy." Wood picked up the dice and completely by chance threw a two onto roll again then a five onto the orange question, sport and leisure. Snape knew Wood would get this one easily and sure enough Snape had only said:
"Wh..." Before Wood had stepped in with:
"1949, world cup. Brazil vs. Estonia. Big Fella the Estonian seeker caught the snitch two minutes into the game."
"Correct." Snape hissed "But I believe I should take points off for too much information."
Legolas stood up.
"You will do no such thing Snape." He whispered quietly but he made his point and Snape contented himself with tipping all the cards out of his box and placing it on his head while dancing the can-can. After he had finished his little display Wood clapped politely and through pure dumb luck rolled a five onto roll again followed by a two onto the last cheese he didn't have. Yellow, history. Snape picked a card up from the floor and read:
"Who stole the greatest hat in the world?" There was dead silence in the dungeon. Legolas slowly turned to Wood.
"You stole this vision of perfection sitting on my head? You stole it. I'M WEARING DODGY GOODS?!"
"Calm down Legolas." Wood said looking slightly unnerved.
"CALM DOWN?! CALM DOWN?! I'M PERFECTLY CALM!"
Wood turned to Snape.
"The answer to your question is Bwaye. One of the Stafia's hench men. Very quick on his feet. Quite good quality for quite a low price." Snape broke down into tears and fled the dungeon knowing that there was no point in asking the final question. It would only degrade him further.
Wood turned back to Legolas.
"Legolas, you have to let me explain. It was the only way."
"Go away Wood." Legolas answered turning away. "I can't talk to you right now, I'm disgusted in you!" and he too fled the dungeons.
~*~
The Stafia are feeling in a particularly good mood today so we wont bore you with are warnings and taunts. But be advised this could all change very quickly - so don't push us and be good boys, girls and monkeys and leave a review, better still leave two.