Sex and the Shire: A Journey of Self Discovery
Pip wasn't the smartest of hobbits, but that never bothered him. He was often times carefree, fun loving, the kind of guy you could always find relaxing under a tree in the late afternoons with a pipe and a smile. But today, Pippin had a very important question on his mind, one that had him dumbfounded since his after brunch smoke. Naturally, when he couldn't answer a question, Pippin always went to have a chat with his greatest friend, Meridoc Brandybuck.
"Merry, where do babies come from?"
"Oi Pip, you mean your mom never told you?"
"She did, but Bilbo always said never listen to anything she tells me!"
"Well, what did she tell you?" Pippin paused for thought.
"She said that we all start as potatoes, and if we're lucky someone pulls us out of the ground, and if we're doubly lucky they don't eat us and then we grow legs and become hobbits!" Merry just stared at his friend in absolute shock. Pippin just tried to look as confident as he could.
"I wouldn't surprised if you did start as a potato." Merry shook his head.
"Was she lying?"
"Pippin, we don't come from potatoes, all right?" A sad expression crept onto Pippin's face. For a moment he thought he might have been right about something.
"Well then, where do hobbits come from?"
"Sex," Merry put it simply, "sex equals babies. Basic equation."
"How does sex equal babies? That makes no sense!" Pippin shouted in total disbelief. Merry placed an arm around his upset companion.
"Something tells me I'm going to need to explain this to you from the beginning."
The two hobbits found a place outside the Shire where they could sit and talk about such things as sex without worry of the other folks of the town to hear them.
"Let's see, where to start?" Merry sat down on a log, Pippin followed suit on a rock. "Well, you know what sex is right?" Pippin stood up from his spot, proudly raised his head and a finger and smiled knowingly at Mer.
"When two hobbits love each other very much and they've decided together that,"
"Very good Pip," Merry interrupted sitting his friend back down, "least I don't have to describe that to you."
"So, sex happens between two people who love each other?"
"Not always Pippin. Ever hear of a booty call?" Pip shook his head.
"Well, that's not important. What's important is answering your question."
"I have a new question!"
"What?"
"What's a booty call?" Merry slapped himself on the forehead.
"I think I'm making this too complicated for you. Now, you know sex happens when a man and a woman love each other,"
"Or a man and a man," Pip interrupted.
"Yes, okay, that can happen. But men can't have babies. So, as I was saying,"
"So, Frodo can never have a baby?" Merry was looking more and more frustrated by the minute.
"NO! One, because he's a man, and two, because you can't reproduce with butter! May I continue?"
"Poor Frodo," Pip looked down to the ground, a sad expression on his face, "can't he just plant some potatoes or something?" At this point, Merry threw his arms up in annoyance and walked away, leaving Pip alone and no closer to the answer to his question. Well, he did have a few new terms to take with him.
"Booty call isn't love, so you can't have a baby when," Pip held his hand to his head, "I don't even know what one is! Maybe Frodo and Sam can't have a baby cause what they do is a booty call! Or, did Merry say something about butter?" Pippin got up from his rock. He knew what he had to do. Ask Frodo and Sam!
To be continued…….you lucky bastards!
Pip wasn't the smartest of hobbits, but that never bothered him. He was often times carefree, fun loving, the kind of guy you could always find relaxing under a tree in the late afternoons with a pipe and a smile. But today, Pippin had a very important question on his mind, one that had him dumbfounded since his after brunch smoke. Naturally, when he couldn't answer a question, Pippin always went to have a chat with his greatest friend, Meridoc Brandybuck.
"Merry, where do babies come from?"
"Oi Pip, you mean your mom never told you?"
"She did, but Bilbo always said never listen to anything she tells me!"
"Well, what did she tell you?" Pippin paused for thought.
"She said that we all start as potatoes, and if we're lucky someone pulls us out of the ground, and if we're doubly lucky they don't eat us and then we grow legs and become hobbits!" Merry just stared at his friend in absolute shock. Pippin just tried to look as confident as he could.
"I wouldn't surprised if you did start as a potato." Merry shook his head.
"Was she lying?"
"Pippin, we don't come from potatoes, all right?" A sad expression crept onto Pippin's face. For a moment he thought he might have been right about something.
"Well then, where do hobbits come from?"
"Sex," Merry put it simply, "sex equals babies. Basic equation."
"How does sex equal babies? That makes no sense!" Pippin shouted in total disbelief. Merry placed an arm around his upset companion.
"Something tells me I'm going to need to explain this to you from the beginning."
The two hobbits found a place outside the Shire where they could sit and talk about such things as sex without worry of the other folks of the town to hear them.
"Let's see, where to start?" Merry sat down on a log, Pippin followed suit on a rock. "Well, you know what sex is right?" Pippin stood up from his spot, proudly raised his head and a finger and smiled knowingly at Mer.
"When two hobbits love each other very much and they've decided together that,"
"Very good Pip," Merry interrupted sitting his friend back down, "least I don't have to describe that to you."
"So, sex happens between two people who love each other?"
"Not always Pippin. Ever hear of a booty call?" Pip shook his head.
"Well, that's not important. What's important is answering your question."
"I have a new question!"
"What?"
"What's a booty call?" Merry slapped himself on the forehead.
"I think I'm making this too complicated for you. Now, you know sex happens when a man and a woman love each other,"
"Or a man and a man," Pip interrupted.
"Yes, okay, that can happen. But men can't have babies. So, as I was saying,"
"So, Frodo can never have a baby?" Merry was looking more and more frustrated by the minute.
"NO! One, because he's a man, and two, because you can't reproduce with butter! May I continue?"
"Poor Frodo," Pip looked down to the ground, a sad expression on his face, "can't he just plant some potatoes or something?" At this point, Merry threw his arms up in annoyance and walked away, leaving Pip alone and no closer to the answer to his question. Well, he did have a few new terms to take with him.
"Booty call isn't love, so you can't have a baby when," Pip held his hand to his head, "I don't even know what one is! Maybe Frodo and Sam can't have a baby cause what they do is a booty call! Or, did Merry say something about butter?" Pippin got up from his rock. He knew what he had to do. Ask Frodo and Sam!
To be continued…….you lucky bastards!