So you wanna learn how to get laid?
"Pip! I don't know what you've been doing tonight or who you've been talking to, but believe it or not you're more screwed up than ever before!" Merry wasn't happy, course Merry was never happy, but now he had a reason. Pippin was stupid, that was something he had come to terms with a long time ago. The thing he could hardly stand though was the way Pippin had of making everything far too complicated for himself. Even now, as he was dragging his poor friend away from the window, his hands still covering Pippin's eyes, he was bombarded by a number of idiotic questions.
"What Merry? I uncovered something here! Something sick and twisted!"
"You certainly did! I don't think I'll ever be able to erase the image of Frodo and that slice of ham having, having,"
"Having sex Mer?" Merry shivered. Sick stuff. Tonight was truly a night of unholy terror. Pip was in agreement, but for a different reason. "What about the babies?"
"What babies? I saw no babies!"
"In the kitchen, there were potatoes and,"
"DAMMIT PIPPERS!" The two halted the procession. Merry grabbed his friend by the collar of his jacket and looked him in the eye.
"Potatoes do not equal babies! Not now not ever, understand?" Pippin gave a nervous nod. "A booty call is not was Frodo and the butter cheeks are up to! Understand?" Pippin nodded. "The end! No more! You and I are going home, right?" To Merry's displeasure, Pippin shook his head no.
"I still haven't learned where babies come from!"
"I told you already! Why can't we go home?"
"I don't believe it Mer, I just can't." Pippin threw himself down onto the dirt road in an attempt of throwing a fit.
"How hard is it? You believe we can come from roots in the ground but you can't believe we come from sex? Something just as natural and even more practical?" Again, Pippin shook his head. "Well fine! Forget it! Forget this whole night ever happened! That's all I want to do, get the hell away from here and the immense aura of stupid that seems to follow you around!" Good night, Pip!" And with that, the disgruntled Merry trudged off back into town leaving Pippin once again lonely and confused. There was only one other place he could go. One other place where he may find an answer to his eternally perplexing question. The tavern.
Yes, the tavern. The resting place of the two oldest things in the Shire, Bilbo and Gandalf. Both were high in years and very, very wise. Pippin knew if anyone could help him, they could. Even though Gandalf really, really, really didn't like him all that much. It showed in the way he addressed Pip.
"What do you want you damned useless fool of a Took!" Fool of a Took, Gandalf's favorite thing to call Pippin.
"Evening Gandalf, Bilbo," Bilbo nodded in response.
"So, what do you need tonight dear boy?"
"Well, I have a question."
"Why don't you go ask your good friend Merry?" Bilbo questioned.
"Because if there's anyone out there as stupid and half witted as Pip here, it's going to be Brandybuck! Now, what's your question? No puzzle is too hard for the great Gandalf!"
"Where do babies come from?" The two elders stared at Pippin for a moment, a look of shock on both their faces.
"Babies?" Bilbo repeated. "You want to know where they come from?"
"YES! Oh please tell me! I've been asking all night and no one could tell me!"
"You mean you've been walking around calling out that ridiculous question to any moron that would give you an ear? And, you mean to say no one could answer it?"
"Yes sir!"
"Well, well," Bilbo mumbled to himself, climbing off his normal stack of books, "I think I may have something for you." The old hobbit carefully observed each book on the stack, talking softly to himself and squinting his eyes. "Here we are!" He shouted at last, pulling out a rather normal sized book. He handed it to Pippin, who in turn tried his best to read the title.
"The Big B-book of D-dirty L-little things Hobbits Like to Do. Will this help me?"
"Indeed it will!" Bilbo smiled, patting the boy on the back.
"Yes, and it saves us from a great deal of embarrassing conversation."
Pippin thanked the two older men, then headed back to the home he shared with Merry to sit down and read his book. It was an old book, some wear and tear on the spine and the corners were all bent up. The book was brown and featured a bunch of teenagers on the front were odd clothes, clothes like from another era. They all had large hair, somewhat similar to hobbits and they all wore large pants which were like nothing Pip had ever seen. The title of the book was printed in some wavy font and was highly multi-colorful. It reminded Pip of a fine trip he had one day while smoking some weed.
Upon arriving home, Pippin sat himself down, opened up the book, and began to learn!
"Chapter One. So, you wanna learn how to get laid," Pippin read out loud. The book was highly educational, with 22 chapters of fun and interesting facts, and pop out pictures and pull tabes to keep his interest. Also, there were full color diagrams to help his little brain out when he reached the chapter about Kama Sutra. When the first rays of the morning hit Pippins sleepy face, he had learned a good deal of new things, especially about where babies come from, and that getting the clap is NOT a good thing.
"Wow, Mer was right! We do come from sex! And what a wonderful thing sex is!" Pippin winked at the cover of his new book, and strangely enough, the hip kids on the cover winked back.
"Pip! I don't know what you've been doing tonight or who you've been talking to, but believe it or not you're more screwed up than ever before!" Merry wasn't happy, course Merry was never happy, but now he had a reason. Pippin was stupid, that was something he had come to terms with a long time ago. The thing he could hardly stand though was the way Pippin had of making everything far too complicated for himself. Even now, as he was dragging his poor friend away from the window, his hands still covering Pippin's eyes, he was bombarded by a number of idiotic questions.
"What Merry? I uncovered something here! Something sick and twisted!"
"You certainly did! I don't think I'll ever be able to erase the image of Frodo and that slice of ham having, having,"
"Having sex Mer?" Merry shivered. Sick stuff. Tonight was truly a night of unholy terror. Pip was in agreement, but for a different reason. "What about the babies?"
"What babies? I saw no babies!"
"In the kitchen, there were potatoes and,"
"DAMMIT PIPPERS!" The two halted the procession. Merry grabbed his friend by the collar of his jacket and looked him in the eye.
"Potatoes do not equal babies! Not now not ever, understand?" Pippin gave a nervous nod. "A booty call is not was Frodo and the butter cheeks are up to! Understand?" Pippin nodded. "The end! No more! You and I are going home, right?" To Merry's displeasure, Pippin shook his head no.
"I still haven't learned where babies come from!"
"I told you already! Why can't we go home?"
"I don't believe it Mer, I just can't." Pippin threw himself down onto the dirt road in an attempt of throwing a fit.
"How hard is it? You believe we can come from roots in the ground but you can't believe we come from sex? Something just as natural and even more practical?" Again, Pippin shook his head. "Well fine! Forget it! Forget this whole night ever happened! That's all I want to do, get the hell away from here and the immense aura of stupid that seems to follow you around!" Good night, Pip!" And with that, the disgruntled Merry trudged off back into town leaving Pippin once again lonely and confused. There was only one other place he could go. One other place where he may find an answer to his eternally perplexing question. The tavern.
Yes, the tavern. The resting place of the two oldest things in the Shire, Bilbo and Gandalf. Both were high in years and very, very wise. Pippin knew if anyone could help him, they could. Even though Gandalf really, really, really didn't like him all that much. It showed in the way he addressed Pip.
"What do you want you damned useless fool of a Took!" Fool of a Took, Gandalf's favorite thing to call Pippin.
"Evening Gandalf, Bilbo," Bilbo nodded in response.
"So, what do you need tonight dear boy?"
"Well, I have a question."
"Why don't you go ask your good friend Merry?" Bilbo questioned.
"Because if there's anyone out there as stupid and half witted as Pip here, it's going to be Brandybuck! Now, what's your question? No puzzle is too hard for the great Gandalf!"
"Where do babies come from?" The two elders stared at Pippin for a moment, a look of shock on both their faces.
"Babies?" Bilbo repeated. "You want to know where they come from?"
"YES! Oh please tell me! I've been asking all night and no one could tell me!"
"You mean you've been walking around calling out that ridiculous question to any moron that would give you an ear? And, you mean to say no one could answer it?"
"Yes sir!"
"Well, well," Bilbo mumbled to himself, climbing off his normal stack of books, "I think I may have something for you." The old hobbit carefully observed each book on the stack, talking softly to himself and squinting his eyes. "Here we are!" He shouted at last, pulling out a rather normal sized book. He handed it to Pippin, who in turn tried his best to read the title.
"The Big B-book of D-dirty L-little things Hobbits Like to Do. Will this help me?"
"Indeed it will!" Bilbo smiled, patting the boy on the back.
"Yes, and it saves us from a great deal of embarrassing conversation."
Pippin thanked the two older men, then headed back to the home he shared with Merry to sit down and read his book. It was an old book, some wear and tear on the spine and the corners were all bent up. The book was brown and featured a bunch of teenagers on the front were odd clothes, clothes like from another era. They all had large hair, somewhat similar to hobbits and they all wore large pants which were like nothing Pip had ever seen. The title of the book was printed in some wavy font and was highly multi-colorful. It reminded Pip of a fine trip he had one day while smoking some weed.
Upon arriving home, Pippin sat himself down, opened up the book, and began to learn!
"Chapter One. So, you wanna learn how to get laid," Pippin read out loud. The book was highly educational, with 22 chapters of fun and interesting facts, and pop out pictures and pull tabes to keep his interest. Also, there were full color diagrams to help his little brain out when he reached the chapter about Kama Sutra. When the first rays of the morning hit Pippins sleepy face, he had learned a good deal of new things, especially about where babies come from, and that getting the clap is NOT a good thing.
"Wow, Mer was right! We do come from sex! And what a wonderful thing sex is!" Pippin winked at the cover of his new book, and strangely enough, the hip kids on the cover winked back.