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Gimli's Story

"Well," began the dwarf, "it started last night. You see, Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Elrond, and the hobbits and I traveled to Bree where we stayed for the night in that hotel…"

"Yes of course," said Gandalf, "the Prancing Pony."

"No," said Gimli, "the Holiday Inn. Anyway, we all got separate rooms, except for the three hobbits who will be treated as a single entity in this story because, let's face it, it's just easier that way. Once we were situated in our rooms, I started to read 'The Fountainhead' because Legolas told me it was a good book. I found it to be very hard to read because of the lack of any characters to identify with, but I digress.

Around 8:20, I heard a lot of noise downstairs. I rushed out and Legolas told me there was a bar-fight. Naturally, being the pacifist I am, I was reluctant to get involved, but Legolas assured me that we were merely going to quell the fight, and not participate. I wasn't sure, he is a very manly elf, as you know. But I trusted him…he was…my…friend." Gimli burst into tears as he remembered his friend. "WHY!? Oh, sweet desolation! Why Legolas!?"

"Pull yourself together!" said Gandalf reprovingly.

"Okay," said Gimli, "where was I? Ah yes, the fight. We rushed down, first to arrive of our company. Apparently, it all started with Tom Bombadil and Glorfindel getting picked on by Barliman because he was a pointless character, but he still got to be in the movie. Well, you know Glorfindel's temper. Soon the whole place was one big brawl. Legolas and I were able to calm things down a little, then the others arrived, except for…Boromir. Now that I think about it, he was the last one down. And he was acting very strange, sort of nervous. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, we all went back to our rooms and I started to read 'The Fountainhead' again, when I heard Legolas yelling for us from his room. I rushed in and saw one of the maids dead. She had been bitten by a snake hiding under Legolas' bed. If she hadn't been in there cleaning, it would have gotten him. I tried to tell him that, but he didn't listen. We caught the snake, then we carried the woman's body downstairs. When that was done, I went back to the room and checked the clock. It was 9:10. About ten minutes later, I heard a crash from down the hall. I figured Elrond had just been enjoying some of the Holiday Inn boxed wine, and didn't really give a thought to it."

"I resent the implication!" said Elrond leaping up.

"Now, now," said Gandalf, "the slightest details may be important."

"Before I was so rudely interrupted," said Gimli, "I was going to say that I didn't give a second thought to the noise. I continued to read, until I fell asleep. I was awoken by a strange noise. By the time I was awake enough to try to discern it, it had disappeared." He shivered, "I don't want to know what it was. It sounded like the chaotic screaming of the Nazgul. But worse somehow, more sinister. Anyway, I tried to fall back asleep, but the memory of those horrible screams kept me up. At around midnight, I got up. Legolas was pacing inside his room. He said he had been awakened by a most horrible sound…a sound he'd only heard in his nightmares and numerous fanfictions…the sound of the dreaded fangirls. I shuddered as he pronounced the word. We both walked out to get a little air and make sure that there were no you-know-whats around. We ran into Elrond, who was completely wasted."

"How dare you!"

"Please," said Gandalf, "we all know about your problem. I'm sorry Gimli, do go on."

"Thank you, as I was saying, Elrond was really drunk. He was examining his bowl of wine. It was very beautiful, all covered in gold and carved from a single piece of crystal. I told him so, but he was not pleased. He stopped his rendition of 'I Will Survive' and began to cry. I asked him what the matter was and he said the bowl had a flaw. I tried to tell him that it didn't, it couldn't, it was too perfect. 'But it has a flaw!' he said.

'But it looks so perfect' I said.

'But it has a flaw!' he said.

'But it looks so perfect' I said.

'But it has a flaw!' he said.

We went on like this for about an hour and a half until Legolas took the golden bowl and through it against a wall and smacked us both over the head." Gimli began to choke up, "he…was…so…manly!" He began to cry openly without restraint. Gandalf handed him a tissue and said,

"There, there, Gimli. He's in a better place. Don't elves go somewhere cool when they die?"

"I…(sob)…don't…(hiccup)…know."

"Well, do you remember anything else about that night?"

"Well, we went to sleep at about 1:30 and I was so tired from telling Elrond his bowl looked perfect that I slept soundly. When we got up at 8:00, Legolas was gone and there was a blood trail to Bag End. We followed it here and then Frodo came out and screamed like a little girl when he saw Legolas. Brave, brave Legolas! Why did you have to die! So young!"

"He was several thousand years old, you know," said Gandalf, "but it doesn't matter. Someone here killed him. Sometime between 1:30 and 8:00 in the Holiday Inn in Bree and dragged his body to Bag End. Excellent-er-well…obviously, we have some clues now. Let us hear the tale of Lord Elrond who is the only person here not a member of the Fellowship. Let us see how he can explain his actions."