Disclaimer: Sometimes people walk up to me and say, "Hey, aren't you J.R.R. Tolkien?" To which I must respond, "No. No, I am not."

Author's Note: Muchas Gracias, las personas muy amables quien reviewed-o mi cuenta. Y la Señorita Minka es muy graciosa! Gracias a todos! 4 ½ years of Spanish, and already I've forgotten it all. The injustice!!!!

Aragorn, Boromir, and The Hobbits

"I will speak for the hobbits," said Sam, "as it seems very unlikely that all three of us would speak in unison for the entirety of the story. You've heard Elrond tell you about Aragorn's little confrontation with Legolas outside the Holiday Inn. When the fight broke out downstairs, we ran down and met with Elrond and Aragorn who were on the stairs. Aragorn seemed disconcerted about something. We went down into the bar and saw Legolas and Gimli calming people down. We tried to help and a few minutes later, Boromir came down. He was acting very strangely. I didn't know why.

When we went upstairs, I heard Legolas yell. Apparently, a servant had been killed by a snake in his room. I thought it was odd because that kind of snake isn't native to this part of the country. It comes from the South. Someone had to bring it here in an express attempt to kill Legolas. He and Gimli caught it and they took the young woman's body away. A few minutes later, at around 8:40 or so, before they had returned to their rooms, I heard a racket outside my room. I looked out and saw a woman lying dead in the hall. I thought, 'Oh great, Samwise, what's next?' Well, then I saw Aragorn wiping off his sword and he threw it in his room, stealthily like he didn't want anyone to see him. But he saw that I had seen. He said to me, 'Sam, do you know who she is?'

'No,' I said.

'She's a Mary-Sue, and she was after Legolas!' Well, I got scared, because it was obvious that someone was trying to kill Mr. Legolas, and that isn't a nice thing. Then, Merry and Pippin came out and Aragorn said we had to get rid of her body. Elrond came up the stairs kind of tipsy and said some things to Aragorn that I don't think the Gaffer would want me to repeat. I don't imagine Lord Elrond cared much for Aragorn, but he helped us get rid of the body because he didn't like Mary-Sues any more than the next fellow. A few minutes later, I heard Legolas and Gimli come back to their rooms, and about ten minutes after that I heard a crashing sound. When I checked, I saw that it was just Elrond having a bit too much to drink. Then I went to sleep. I was worried about Mr. Legolas, and it turned out I was right to worry because when we woke up he was dead, and his body had been carried here."

"That's strange…" mused Gandalf.

"That we still don't know who done it?" asked Sam.

"That nobody interrupted your story this time," said Gandalf, "very odd. Apparently the author is tiring of writing all these accounts and is skimping on the comedy."

"I agree," said Aragorn, "I think this was a distinctly non-humorous chapter."

"Well then," said Gandalf, "let's here your story Mr. Oh-Look-At-Me-I'm-the-King."

"There's no need to be rude," said Aragorn defensively, "I didn't kill Legolas. I would have defended him with my life. And very nearly did. I was just walking outside my room and saw a young woman with long beautiful hair. My heart was instantly captivated and I knew she was a Mary-Sue. Every since that movie came out, there have been Mary-Sues lurking in every corner and under every rock of Middle Earth. One must always keep on guard. Let yourself be taken over by a Mary-Sue and it's all over. I killed her, yes. That is true. Elrond yelled at me for it, said that I had mistaken her for Legolas when I did it. Indeed not. I'm a Ranger, I think I can tell Legolas from a Mary-Sue! After we threw her body out the window, we all retired to our rooms. I heard Legolas and Gimli come back a few minutes later and they went to sleep. About ten minutes after that I heard Elrond singing faintly and heard a crash. I knew he was drunk so I didn't bother about it. Then, at about 10:30 or so, I heard a terrible noise. Fangirls, the pollutants of Middle Earth. Blame the movie for making them the enemy in every fanfiction written these days."

"You really hated that movie, didn't you?" asked Gandalf.

"Well," said Aragorn bitterly, "I am not that greasy."

"I seem to remember Legolas being portrayed by a very handsome and not-greasy actor," said Gandalf with a gleam in his eye, "you wouldn't have been jealous now would you?"

"Of course not. I am the King, why should I be jealous of a stupid elf. Even if he was more handsome than me, and more manly, and more skilled at fighting…he was my friend, I didn't kill him! They did!" he pointed to Sam, Merry, and Pippin, "They killed Legolas. I know because I saw them out of bed at 10:30 when the fangirls were released. Forgot to mention your little adventure with the fangirls, didn't you Sam? Well, after the fangirls had swept through the Holiday Inn looking for characters to pester, I wanted to see if anyone was hurt and would you believe that I found the hobbits hiding under tables right next to the plot hole that had allowed the fangirls to enter Middle Earth!" The three hobbits turned away. "You see? They were the ones who allowed them to enter, hoping they would kill Legolas. When that failed, they killed him in his sleep like the cowards they are!"

"That's not true!" said Sam standing up, "we didn't do any of that! You're lying! It was you who killed Legolas out of jealousy."

"Now, now," said Gandalf, "let's not jump to any conclusions. Let us hear from the last witness, Boromir."

"I will tell you my story," said Boromir, "although I do not think it will be of any use. I heard about the fight, and I was heading to stop it, but…I got sidetracked. I saw…a Mary-Sue! She was standing there, blocking the stairs. I was scared! I didn't know what to do. Eventually, she moved and I went down, but by that point the fight was over and the rest of the Fellowship had everything under control. I went back upstairs and rested. Then I heard that she, the Mary-Sue I mean, had been killed. We threw her out the window and nobody spoke of it again. Well, until now of course. Everything else that happened that night, you've already heard from other people. I don't know anything else except that at 2:00 in the morning I was woken up. I thought I heard someone scream in a dream, but when I woke up, everything was quiet. I didn't pay any attention to it then, but it must have been when Legolas was murdered. He…was…so…manly. Who…(sob)…would want…to (hiccup)…kill him!? Oh cruel fates!"

"You didn't even like him," said Gandalf.

"He was the best guy I ever met! If I had a brother, I would want him to be just like Legolas!"

"Faramir?" said Gandalf.

"No," said Boromir, "my name's Boromir."

"Yes, but your brother… oh never mind. This settles it. I know who did it."

"You do!?" said Frodo astounded by Gandalf's intelligence.

"I do. It was…"

Cliffhanger, no? Tell me who you think did it, or review. You came this far to read, you might as well review. But seriously, I would love to know who you think killed my husband…er…Legolas.