Rediscovering Humanity
Hi all, this is the sequel to Nil Dormiendum so I would highly advise that you read that first in order to make sense of what is happening here. Unlike Nil Dormiendum this story will focus mainly on Draco's POV 'cause I love getting inside his head.
PS here is the link to Nil Dormiendum: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=223404
Anyways enough of the self indulgence and cheap adverts .......onto the story.
I still like solitude, you'd think that after five years of it I would have had enough but I think I have grown to used to it. Still I make the effort everyday to reintegrate myself into normal life it's getting easier though the obstacles I am facing make it harder than it maybe would have been.
Draco stared at the words he had written. The candlelight flickered and cast a yellow contemplative glow over the room. His face bore no expression but he wasn't kidding himself as to the streaks of conflicting thoughts bouncing around in his head. There were so many courses of action he could take, so many emotional issues to resolve that he sometimes just wanted to tune out of life altogether. He knew that wasn't an option and he knew that Hermione would be there to support him through it.
An owl fluttered neatly in through his open window, a small scrap of parchment attached to its leg. Puzzled he reached across to undo it. He smiled as he read the words in the familiar neat ordered handwriting.
Draco Malfoy, I can see your light from our tower, you said you would sleep now get that candle out NOW! (please) Or do I have to tell Madame Pomfrey that you've got insomnia and you need to be supervised around bedtime!
Love Hermione.
He scribbled down a few words and the owl fluttered back out of sight. Blowing out the candle he pulled off his robes and collapsed into bed. Meanwhile across in the Gryffindor dormitories Hermione pulled open the parchment.
Yes Ma'am!
Love Draco.
Draco tossed and turned in the broad four-poster bed. He was asleep but he wasn't resting. While he had been possessed by the soul knife's evil his sleep had been plagued with visions of the night it had happened. Now, even worse, he had terrible nightmares about how his Father had looked as the shadow tossed him, his Father's now empty soulless gaze and incoherent flashbacks to what he had said and done. It was the flashbacks that bothered him most, the cruelty he'd demonstrated, the evil he'd done and the callous way he'd manipulated others.
"I hate you so much" Hermione was sneering at him with a look of utter contempt distorting her features. His mouth had gone dry and it seemed as if his legs now refused to work.
"But, I haven't done anything.." he choked out finally.
"You are spoiled senseless brat, you nearly killed me trying to escape that curse and look what you've done to your father."
It was all true, it was his fault. He'd meant to kill himself and end the curse and his suffering. Instead all he'd done was to inflict suffering on yet more people. Why did he reach out to Hermione anyway? He should have remained silent and kept his rotting secrets hidden. His mother hadn't been seen in days. If she wasn't already dead then she would hate him, yet more for him to bear. Hermione's verbal tirade was continuing.
"Your sick, your twisted, your whole family was evil, all of you! Now all that the great Lucius Malfoy can do is scream and drool. He never loved you, you're mother never loved you; she hasn't even turned up here. That's how much she cares."
Draco's tossing was getting worse. His roommate Tom York looked across anxiously. The quiet Muggle-born boy had learned over the past five years of sharing a room with Draco that he was to stay out the way if he didn't want a beating. It had been quietly explained that Draco had changed but Tom was the Neville of Slytherin House and hadn't fully understood. So now he lay awake listening to the quiet rustle of cotton sheets tossing violently across the room.
Just as Draco was trying to reason with Hermione he jerked awake. He was very disoriented and it took him a few minutes to work out that it was all dream. Never the less it was what he really feared would happen and, in the case of his mother may have already happened. He didn't know how he would cope if his mother had died because of him. His throat tightened and he tried not to think about it.
A small sob came out of the darkness. It sounded as if Draco was really miserable. Tom had never seen Draco come close to crying. In fact he could still remember Draco's sneer on the first night he'd come to Hogwarts. Tom had been lonely and had sniffled a bit. Instead of offering comfort Draco had spread it around the common room and made things worse until Tom finally got over the homesickness.
It must be true then, Draco had changed. He decided to risk it.
"Draco, are you......Okay?" Frankly he expected the usual languid "Shut up and go to sleep Mudblood." It never came.
"What?" It was sobbed out, he was crying. It was very muffled as if he was trying not to reveal that was what he was doing.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Look if you want someone to talk to I am all there is so deal with it." Tom had surprised even himself. He had always been intimidated by Draco's self assured, superior attitude and had never yet answered him back. His new approach seemed to have achieved something. Draco sat up.
"Lumos." The tip of Draco's wand now glowed a ghastly shade of green. It made Draco look worse than he would have done. His hair was tousled from the tossing and he held the wand under his face so that it highlighted all the sharp contours of his face more than ever.
"What is your mother like Tom?"
The question had thrown him so much it took a minute to answer. "Like all Mums really. She's there for a hug when I need her. She cooks my dinner, buys my clothes and all sorts of stuff."
"I don't know where my Mother is." This was said so sadly and so quietly that Tom felt a surge of sympathy.
"Do you...miss her?"
"Yes, the last time I saw her she asked me to kiss her goodbye......I wanted to, but I couldn't. It wouldn't let me." There was a long pause while Draco tried to keep his emotions under control. "And now she's missing, she could be dead, and I never said a proper goodbye to her."
He seemed better now he'd got it out. He flung himself back on the bed and sighed deeply.
"And there is everything else as well."
"You mean the being mean to people and stuff?"
"Yes."
"Well, that wasn't exactly your fault. What exactly was it that you were anyway?"
"I was.....a shadow I think. It was like all the bad stuff about me mixed in with my Father's influence."
"So how can you feel guilty. It wasn't you so.... no problem. Just apologise to people and be yourself."
"Thanks, I'll do that. I'll start with you I know that I haven't been exactly nice over the last few years."
"It's okay mate, now get some rest."
Draco felt a lot better for the verdict on his responsibility but still his worries about his mother bothered him deeply and he was awake long after Tom had gone back to sleep.
It was a few hours later that he awoke. The grey dawn light was just appearing in the sky. He knew he wasn't going to be going back to sleep until that night. He pulled on a cloak and padded quietly into the corridor. He didn't know exactly where he was going but it felt good to go where he willed himself to.
A short way from Slytherin he emerged into the courtyard of the castle. It was lighter now and colour was beginning to creep into the world. Something inside him made a comparison between himself and that dawning colour. He had been trapped in a shadow and now the light was dawning back bringing colour back into his soul.
He found himself walking down the long tree lined avenue and along the narrow path that wound it's way through the dense woodland. The birds slowly began their chorus and the woods were soon alive with a harmony of twittering as the sun peeped over the horizon. Ahead was a small wooden building, he had never seen it before. Curious he edged closer.
He stood on the doorway. There were chairs arranged around the outer edges of the small room. In the centre were two pictures raised up on narrow stool-like chairs. Between them was a stand with a bowl of sand in which several candles burnt. Behind the pictures were smaller ones and a large wooden cross. He stared at the whole scene before advancing cautiously to gaze at the pictures. One was of a young man, bearded and dressed in red and blue robes. He looked serenely out of the picture and seemingly into the depths of Draco's heart. The second picture to the left was of a young woman. She wore a veil that covered her hair. She looked out with equal peace but her gaze had pity within it. Both of the pictures were done in a style that wasn't realistic. The eyes were too large and the heads and features pulled out of shape. They both had circles of Gold around their heads.
A sense of awe and peace gradually fell over Draco. He sat slowly down in the corner of the room and just looked around him. The smell of the place was vaguely familiar. It brought back memories of something but he couldn't get through the haze. The wooden cross to, that was important but he couldn't remember. He was silent, all his troubles somehow growing less in the quiet.
He sat for twenty minutes, it seemed like forever to him. Finally he realised that breakfast would be starting soon and that he should probably get going. He looked once more at the young man and woman in the pictures and then left. He walked deep in thought down the path and back towards the Castle.
Author's note: Ok right end of chapter 1.........coming up are......well only 1 person besides me knows that. What do you reckon. I would really appreciate reviews as they do help me with me writing. Ok I am also having a cameo competition. First person who knows where Draco was in this last bit gets a cameo dance with Draco in my other D/Hr fic Draco of Durmstrang. Check it out!!
Kimoon
Hi all, this is the sequel to Nil Dormiendum so I would highly advise that you read that first in order to make sense of what is happening here. Unlike Nil Dormiendum this story will focus mainly on Draco's POV 'cause I love getting inside his head.
PS here is the link to Nil Dormiendum: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=223404
Anyways enough of the self indulgence and cheap adverts .......onto the story.
I still like solitude, you'd think that after five years of it I would have had enough but I think I have grown to used to it. Still I make the effort everyday to reintegrate myself into normal life it's getting easier though the obstacles I am facing make it harder than it maybe would have been.
Draco stared at the words he had written. The candlelight flickered and cast a yellow contemplative glow over the room. His face bore no expression but he wasn't kidding himself as to the streaks of conflicting thoughts bouncing around in his head. There were so many courses of action he could take, so many emotional issues to resolve that he sometimes just wanted to tune out of life altogether. He knew that wasn't an option and he knew that Hermione would be there to support him through it.
An owl fluttered neatly in through his open window, a small scrap of parchment attached to its leg. Puzzled he reached across to undo it. He smiled as he read the words in the familiar neat ordered handwriting.
Draco Malfoy, I can see your light from our tower, you said you would sleep now get that candle out NOW! (please) Or do I have to tell Madame Pomfrey that you've got insomnia and you need to be supervised around bedtime!
Love Hermione.
He scribbled down a few words and the owl fluttered back out of sight. Blowing out the candle he pulled off his robes and collapsed into bed. Meanwhile across in the Gryffindor dormitories Hermione pulled open the parchment.
Yes Ma'am!
Love Draco.
Draco tossed and turned in the broad four-poster bed. He was asleep but he wasn't resting. While he had been possessed by the soul knife's evil his sleep had been plagued with visions of the night it had happened. Now, even worse, he had terrible nightmares about how his Father had looked as the shadow tossed him, his Father's now empty soulless gaze and incoherent flashbacks to what he had said and done. It was the flashbacks that bothered him most, the cruelty he'd demonstrated, the evil he'd done and the callous way he'd manipulated others.
"I hate you so much" Hermione was sneering at him with a look of utter contempt distorting her features. His mouth had gone dry and it seemed as if his legs now refused to work.
"But, I haven't done anything.." he choked out finally.
"You are spoiled senseless brat, you nearly killed me trying to escape that curse and look what you've done to your father."
It was all true, it was his fault. He'd meant to kill himself and end the curse and his suffering. Instead all he'd done was to inflict suffering on yet more people. Why did he reach out to Hermione anyway? He should have remained silent and kept his rotting secrets hidden. His mother hadn't been seen in days. If she wasn't already dead then she would hate him, yet more for him to bear. Hermione's verbal tirade was continuing.
"Your sick, your twisted, your whole family was evil, all of you! Now all that the great Lucius Malfoy can do is scream and drool. He never loved you, you're mother never loved you; she hasn't even turned up here. That's how much she cares."
Draco's tossing was getting worse. His roommate Tom York looked across anxiously. The quiet Muggle-born boy had learned over the past five years of sharing a room with Draco that he was to stay out the way if he didn't want a beating. It had been quietly explained that Draco had changed but Tom was the Neville of Slytherin House and hadn't fully understood. So now he lay awake listening to the quiet rustle of cotton sheets tossing violently across the room.
Just as Draco was trying to reason with Hermione he jerked awake. He was very disoriented and it took him a few minutes to work out that it was all dream. Never the less it was what he really feared would happen and, in the case of his mother may have already happened. He didn't know how he would cope if his mother had died because of him. His throat tightened and he tried not to think about it.
A small sob came out of the darkness. It sounded as if Draco was really miserable. Tom had never seen Draco come close to crying. In fact he could still remember Draco's sneer on the first night he'd come to Hogwarts. Tom had been lonely and had sniffled a bit. Instead of offering comfort Draco had spread it around the common room and made things worse until Tom finally got over the homesickness.
It must be true then, Draco had changed. He decided to risk it.
"Draco, are you......Okay?" Frankly he expected the usual languid "Shut up and go to sleep Mudblood." It never came.
"What?" It was sobbed out, he was crying. It was very muffled as if he was trying not to reveal that was what he was doing.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Look if you want someone to talk to I am all there is so deal with it." Tom had surprised even himself. He had always been intimidated by Draco's self assured, superior attitude and had never yet answered him back. His new approach seemed to have achieved something. Draco sat up.
"Lumos." The tip of Draco's wand now glowed a ghastly shade of green. It made Draco look worse than he would have done. His hair was tousled from the tossing and he held the wand under his face so that it highlighted all the sharp contours of his face more than ever.
"What is your mother like Tom?"
The question had thrown him so much it took a minute to answer. "Like all Mums really. She's there for a hug when I need her. She cooks my dinner, buys my clothes and all sorts of stuff."
"I don't know where my Mother is." This was said so sadly and so quietly that Tom felt a surge of sympathy.
"Do you...miss her?"
"Yes, the last time I saw her she asked me to kiss her goodbye......I wanted to, but I couldn't. It wouldn't let me." There was a long pause while Draco tried to keep his emotions under control. "And now she's missing, she could be dead, and I never said a proper goodbye to her."
He seemed better now he'd got it out. He flung himself back on the bed and sighed deeply.
"And there is everything else as well."
"You mean the being mean to people and stuff?"
"Yes."
"Well, that wasn't exactly your fault. What exactly was it that you were anyway?"
"I was.....a shadow I think. It was like all the bad stuff about me mixed in with my Father's influence."
"So how can you feel guilty. It wasn't you so.... no problem. Just apologise to people and be yourself."
"Thanks, I'll do that. I'll start with you I know that I haven't been exactly nice over the last few years."
"It's okay mate, now get some rest."
Draco felt a lot better for the verdict on his responsibility but still his worries about his mother bothered him deeply and he was awake long after Tom had gone back to sleep.
It was a few hours later that he awoke. The grey dawn light was just appearing in the sky. He knew he wasn't going to be going back to sleep until that night. He pulled on a cloak and padded quietly into the corridor. He didn't know exactly where he was going but it felt good to go where he willed himself to.
A short way from Slytherin he emerged into the courtyard of the castle. It was lighter now and colour was beginning to creep into the world. Something inside him made a comparison between himself and that dawning colour. He had been trapped in a shadow and now the light was dawning back bringing colour back into his soul.
He found himself walking down the long tree lined avenue and along the narrow path that wound it's way through the dense woodland. The birds slowly began their chorus and the woods were soon alive with a harmony of twittering as the sun peeped over the horizon. Ahead was a small wooden building, he had never seen it before. Curious he edged closer.
He stood on the doorway. There were chairs arranged around the outer edges of the small room. In the centre were two pictures raised up on narrow stool-like chairs. Between them was a stand with a bowl of sand in which several candles burnt. Behind the pictures were smaller ones and a large wooden cross. He stared at the whole scene before advancing cautiously to gaze at the pictures. One was of a young man, bearded and dressed in red and blue robes. He looked serenely out of the picture and seemingly into the depths of Draco's heart. The second picture to the left was of a young woman. She wore a veil that covered her hair. She looked out with equal peace but her gaze had pity within it. Both of the pictures were done in a style that wasn't realistic. The eyes were too large and the heads and features pulled out of shape. They both had circles of Gold around their heads.
A sense of awe and peace gradually fell over Draco. He sat slowly down in the corner of the room and just looked around him. The smell of the place was vaguely familiar. It brought back memories of something but he couldn't get through the haze. The wooden cross to, that was important but he couldn't remember. He was silent, all his troubles somehow growing less in the quiet.
He sat for twenty minutes, it seemed like forever to him. Finally he realised that breakfast would be starting soon and that he should probably get going. He looked once more at the young man and woman in the pictures and then left. He walked deep in thought down the path and back towards the Castle.
Author's note: Ok right end of chapter 1.........coming up are......well only 1 person besides me knows that. What do you reckon. I would really appreciate reviews as they do help me with me writing. Ok I am also having a cameo competition. First person who knows where Draco was in this last bit gets a cameo dance with Draco in my other D/Hr fic Draco of Durmstrang. Check it out!!
Kimoon