Ah,
hello and welcome to yet another installment of The Derailing of the Train Car
of the Mind. I'll try to make this part longer but I am supposed to be doing a
week's worth of make up homework right now so I can't spend all night typing…
besides, I have to watch TV too… anyway, onto the legal stuff---
Disclaimer: No, we
don't, have never, and will never, own EVA. If we did, we can assure we
wouldn't be doing such trivial things as writing stupid self-inserts and going
to school… Don't sue us; it won't do you any good. We are poor, I mean POOR,
high school students who can barely afford to keep ourselves in comic books and
carbonated beverages. Arigato.
Now, on with the
show!
************************************************
-Roxanne-
At lunch-
"I think sensei's a
robot." I (Roxanne) said around my Coke.
"What gave you that
idea?" Amy asked.
"Well, the fact that
he made the mistake of sitting you two ta'gether… I've been here for a
few days and heard the same lecture 15 times… His mouth is stuck permanently
open, his eyes flash… and that he got stuck on the work "explosion" and said
"-splosion!
-splosion!
–splosion!" for three hours until somebody kicked him!"
"But we got free
time!"
"Yeah, therefore,
he's a cool teacher!"
*Everyone at the table besides Amy and Lizzie facefaults*
Asuka is heard
muttering "The things I put up with to be an EVA pilot!"
"Penguins, ditzes, psychopaths, depressed
individuals, clones, why did I EVER leave Russia?" Sandra asked the table.
"I could have lived a nice, peaceful life
with the werewolves in Germany… but NOOO…" moaned Mel.
"Could've spent all my life in the test
tube, nice quiet, muttering psychobabble…" Rei regretted.
"The kangaroos! Did I have to leave the
kangaroos? Stayed in the outback and talked to the lizards!" I said to my
lunch.
"I mustn't run away… I mustn't run away…"
muttered you-know-who (Shinji).
"Hey, did you see what… blah blah blah…"
chattered Amy and Lizzie, oblivious to the psychobabble around them.
-Amy-
"What did you guys give up to become EVA
pilots?" asked Sandra.
"Huh? Give up?" I (Amy) asked, puzzled.
"I didn't give up anything! I love it here,
a WAY bigger allowance, as many trips to the anime store as I can stand, and I
get to pilot Voltron!" (AN: Obscure Voltron ref 2)
*Sweatdrops all around except for Lizzie…*
"I still say that they're Gundams…" Lizzie
argued. (AN: Obscure Gundams ref #2. I love my Gundams Wing, oh yeah, and we
don't own that either…)
"How many times do I have to tell you," I
explained, "we are the pilots of Voltron because there's five of us, and the
big robot things. Later Ritsuko will probably teach us how to combine, but when
they're separated, we're supposed to call them Evangelions."
"Ooohh… Wait, that EVA thing –isn't that
what Ritsuko got us in trouble for?"
"Yeah, but she doesn't want us to know
about the secret of Voltron until we fully understand how to pilot."
"Wow, that explains everything." Lizzie
said.
"No, it doesn't." Asuka cut into our
conversation. "You got in trouble because YOU DON'T PILOT VOLTRON!" Apparently our robot-teacher isn't very
sensitive to sound, but can still hear screaming, because me, Asuka, and Lizzie
all got to stand in the hall the rest of the day.
"Hey, Lizzie, I thought of this really
funny joke. Do you wanna' hear it?" I asked.
"No, not another one!" Asuka said, plugging
her ears.
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
Well, you get the point…
-Lizzie-
When the bell sounded at the end of the
day, Asuka stormed off to find Hikari and Amy and I went to find Roxanne and
decided to see how fast we could run while doing so.
"Hey Amy! Look at me! I can run BACKWARDS!"
Of course running backwards means you can't see the tall guy behind you that
you're about to mow down…
"LIZZIE! Watch out for… never mind." Amy
yelled as I smashed into an unsuspecting Toji.
"Ummm… do you mind getting off of me?" he
asked, pointedly ignoring the fact that Shinji was laughing hysterically at the
sight of the tangled mess we had become.
"No problem! Sorry bout that! You should
really be more careful." I said as I got up and left with Amy.
"Bye Toji!" Shinji called as he walked
after us, still laughing.
As we walked home a loud siren sounded and
the buildings started to sink into the ground. Naturally, this frightened me
and I promptly screamed. Shinji clapped a hand over my mouth and told me that
we needed to get to the Geofront. When we got there Ritsuko told us to get into
our plug-suits and prepare to fight. I was still a bit uneasy about the whole
LCL thing, but I got used to it. Misato's voice suddenly sounded and I saw a
picture of her in front of me.
"Lizzie, you and Asuka go in first. Shinji
and Rei will back you up. The rest of you guard them. Oh, and Amy and Roxanne,
you two take the position BEHIND the angel and prepare to attack it from there.
Ok? Ok! LAUNCH EVAS!"
-Amy-
"Hey Roxanne…" I (amy) asked as my EVA was
about to be launched.
"What?"
"When exactly in the battle plan did Misato
tell us to form Voltron?"(AN: #3)
"Get off the bloody Voltron thing!"
"Okay, okay." I said just as my EVA was
launched. "Aaaaaahhh!"
When I got to the surface and I had power,
I immediately forgot everything and ran scared half-to-death from the Angel.
Apparently, Lizzie had been doing the same thing I was and tripped over my
cord, making us both fall flat on our faces.
"Both of you get up!" I could hear Misato
on the 'radio'. "Your EVA will protect you, just get in there and fight!"
"No way!" I said.
"You haven't even seen the angel yet, Amy!"
"So. I'm sure it's scary if Lizzie was
running!"
*sweatdrops all
around…*
Just then, I saw what I had been running
from. It looked sort of like….
"Sailor Moon?!" I said. (AN: Obscure Sailor
Moon reference #2; actually this whole battle is an obscure reference…)
"Weird." Said Lizzie.
"THAT'S what we were running from?!" Lizzie
probably didn't hear my last comment, because she was running up to the angel
asking for its autograph.
"Hey, wait for me!" I said.
As we pounced on the angel, going
hysterical about questions that were left unanswered in the series, all of the
other EVAs backed away.
"What are they doing?" Ritsuko asked. "That
looks nothing like Sailor Moon."
"Hey, I'm not complaining. They're
defeating the angel!" Misato said.
"Sailor Moon! In that one episode where you
went to the arcade and that monster…"
"Hey, Amy, it's my turn to ask a question!"
Lizzie said.
"Hey, Serena, can I call you that? Oh well,
so anyways, as I was TRYING to say…"
The angel started to look around and groan.
"Oh, no! I think it's going to
self-destruct!" Yelled Shinji.
"Everyone hit the deck!" I could hear
Roxanne say.
*KAAABOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!*
"Saaaiiilooor Moooooonn!! Noo!!" Lizzie and
I said as we were being blown away by the massive explosion.
-Roxanne-
"Why did I ever sign up for this job?"
Ritsuko asked herself, chugging her ninth bottle of aspirin for the day.
"Sailor Moon! NO! Why did it have to end
this way?!" Amy and Lizzie asked themselves, crying in the corner.
*** *** *** *** ***
"Well, as far as we can tell, the angel was
using its AT Field to create an illusion of what whoever was attacking it would
least want to attack." Maya read off from her report.
"Hmm… Setting it to where no one would want
to attack it, interesting…." Mused Fuyutsuki.
"Yes, but it is of no mater, all is
according to schedule." Gendou said, pushing his glasses up. He hesitated,
looking at Fuyutsuki. "So… It wasn't REALLY Sailor Moon that Lizzie and Amy
killed, right?"
"Correct."
"Good, if it was, I'd have to hurt them."
Gendou said, pushing up his tiara and flipping to the Sailor Moon marathon on
Cartoon Network (AN: also not ours…) with his Moon Wand Remote Control. (Made
by Bandai®!)
"All is going to schedule."
---"I am Sailormoon! In the name of the
moon, I will punish you! Aya!"
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
-Lizzie-
That night, after Misato FINALLY convinced
me and Amy that we didn't really kill Sailor Moon, Asuka, Shinji, and Sandra
wouldn't speak to us. Rei never said anything anyway, and neither does Mel.
Roxanne found this whole ordeal ridiculously funny and laughed until she was
purple. Amy and I got over it after watching a few episodes to make sure that
Sailor Moon was still in them. At around 6:00 Misato informed me that it was my
night to cook.
"WHAT?! ME?! COOK? No way!!!"
I yelled as she dragged me to the kitchen. Misato ran out and closed the door,
propping a chair up against it so I couldn't get out.
"Well, let me see… What can I cook?" I
wandered around and glanced over at the phone.
*IDEA!*
I picked up the phone and dialed…
*ring…ring!* "Hello? Pizza Hut™, how may I
help you?"
Needless to say, everyone liked my
'cooking'.
"Can she cook every night?" Asuka asked
around her pizza. For that comment, Misato chunked a beer can at her head. She
dodged, picked up the nearest pillow, and threw it at Misato, who ducked, and
the pillow hit Rei. Everyone froze. Then Rei, quiet little Rei, picked up the
pillow and threw it at Asuka, knocking her over. The pillow war lasted for a
few hours, ending when Amy accidentally threw Pen Pen out the window.
-Amy-
The next morning, when we woke to go to
school, we found a very bandaged Pen Pen who shook with fear when anyone tried
to pick him up.
"Hey, Lizzie, have you seen that new arcade
across the street?" I said.
"Yeah, I heard they have the new Sailor-V
game!" (I couldn't resist!)
"No, you cannot go to the arcade instead of
school, you cannot be 'just a little late' for school because you were at the
arcade, and you cannot check yourselves out of school saying there's an
emergency at NERV to go to the arcade." Misato said.
"Darn… but can we…"
"No!"
"Drat." I said. "Maybe we can just…"
"No!! No! NO! And furthermore NOO! N-O!
No!"
"Come-on Misato! Pleeease!" (AN: can't you
just hear us whining? ^__^*)
"No!"
-Lizzie-
I walked to the back of the class pouting.
I turned and tried to plop miserably into my chair... but I missed it
completely. After the laughter had subsided the teacher began his lesson.
"Today we will be studying about the 2nd
Impact….."
*Oh joy of joys. We get to hear the 2nd
Impact lecture…AGAIN.* I sighed and turned on my laptop. The virus scan came
up… *This day may not be so bad after all…*
"heeheehee…"
I began typing furiously on my keyboard.
After about an hour, I looked at the clock to see that it was almost lunch-
time, so I found a stopping place just as Sensei dismissed us.
"Lizzie? What were you doing back there?"
asked Roxanne as she took a seat next to me.
"Entertaining myself." I started
mater-of-factly.
"Oh, okay…"
Lunch went on normally (I tripped over my
evil shoes, Amy dumped chocolate pudding on Sandra's head, Shinji apologized
for it, Asuka yelled at him and I thought she was choking so I performed the Heimlich
on her and the bell rang.) and we all walked back into class and took our
seats, minus Sandra who was still washing the pudding out of her hair. I
resumed typing. Another hour or so went by and sensei was stuck on
'-splosion' again
(splosion, splosion…).
"Finished!" I said, pounding the enter key.
Suddenly everyone's screens went blank and
a chibi Sailor Saturn walked onto the screens. She raised her glaive.
"Death Reborn Revolution!" yelled the
chibi-Saturn and all the laptops crashed.
"I am VICTORIOUS!" I yelled just as the
bell rang.
-Roxanne-
Needless to say, after that, everyone had
to back up their hard drives on floppies. But, back to the story….
*** *** ***
We were walking back home from school.
(Well, Mel and Rei were walking. Shinji, Asuka, Sandra and I were dragging Amy
and Lizzie away from the arcade.)
"Must…play…Sailor-V!" Lizzie drooled.
"No! We have tests to do… so you'll have to
wait till the weekend!" Asuka said.
"No! I can't last that long!" Amy wailed.
The
tests went smoothly… and I was sitting in my plug when suddenly a weird voice
came through my thought-sensors.
'Roxanne…..'
"Hm?"
'Use the Force Roxanne!'
"What?
Who are you?"
'Use THE FORCE!'
"This is the weirdest psychobabble I've ever
heard!"
'Roxanne…'
"What
now?"
'Roxanne…'
"What
already?"
'I AM YOUR EVA!!'
"Just bloody great!"
'BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'
(AN: you really have
to see the lil' drawing thingy to get the full effect…)
-Amy-
--Meanwhile in Amy's
EVA—
spooky voice: 'Doobey
doobey doobey doobey doo'
Amy: "What was that?"
Spooky voice: 'doobey
doobey doobey doobey doobey doo!'
Amy: "Aaahh! It's
going to get me! Let me out! Let me out!"
What's going to get you, Amy?" Ritsuko
asked, genuinely concerned.
"Nothing," I said calmly, "I was just
seeing if you were paying attention."
*smacks forehead (Ritsuko)*
"Calling Lizzie, come in Lizzie." I said in
my best cop impersonation.
"This is Lizzie, I read you Amy, over."
Lizzie replied.
"We seem to have a 10-256,000 down here,
could you come over and check it out? Over."
"10-400 old buddy, over."
"10-400, Amy over and out."
"That's 10-4, and you don't have to
broadcast your conversation over the whole system, you can open a private
window, ya' know." Mel said, slightly agitated.
"No, it's 10-400, and it's not as fun if we
don't broadcast it, so butt out and don't listen in on PRIVATE conversations,
thank-you-very-much!"
"How could we NOT hear your conversation?"
Shinji asked.
"Another snoop, aye?" Lizzie said. "I guess
you're all…"
"SPIES! They're Soviet Spies! Sent from
Russia to steal our secret plans to take over the world!" I chimed in.
"Hey, I resent that comment, and the Soviet
Union doesn't even EXSIST anymore!" Sandra said. (AN: She's from Russia, in
case u didn' know…)
"That's what they WANT you to think."
Lizzie said.
"Stupid bakas...." Asuka muttered.
"Start concentrating on the test or I'll
take the com-system out of your EVAs!" Ritsuko said.
After that, a little icon appeared at the
bottom of my screen. It was marked 'secret message, URGENT' from Lizzie. I
opened it and it read "Meet me in my room tonight at bedtime, be prepared for
war against the Soviets(1)."
Since we share the same room, that's no problem. I wrote back,
"Okay, don't send
anymore messages. We're probably being monitored by the you-know-who."
-Lizzie-
After Ritsuko finished yelling at us again,
she made us do the tests over.
"Ahhrrggg! Why can't you two be NORMAL?!"
Asuka screamed.
I tried to concentrate on the test but I
kept hearing stuff.
***~singing~Bloobidy bloobidy bloobidy
bloobidy…***
"Hey! I'm trying to concentrate here!"
***BLOOBIDY BLOOBIDY BLOOBIDY…***
It got louder and louder. I shrugged.
"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"
"Bloobidy bloobidy bloobidy bloobidy
bloobidy bloobidy bloobidy bloobidy…"
Ritsuko sighed. "Okay, that's enough
for today." She walked out the door. "I need a drink…"
--In the showers—
Roxanne is humming the Star Wars® song, Amy
is singing 'doobey doobey doo..' and I(Lizzie) am singing the 'bloobidy' song.
"What is wrong with you three?" Mel said
slipping on her shoes. "Roxanne, you used to be normal. I think they're rubbing
off on you…" Mel walked out followed shortly by the rest of our merry little
group.
(1) This fic doesn't
represent our views toward people from Russia or the Soviet Union in general.
We don't know enough about it to have an opinion…
That's
it for this installment of The Derailing of the Train Car of the Mind! Stay
tuned for the next part which is guaranteed to be chock full of angel stompin',
karate choppin', sweet potato action! And lots of weirdness, too!