Vick says : and the plot thickens...
The Story with No Name
Chapter Two
Niles
There's nothing better for concentration than silence, he thought. The only place where I can find tranquility is in my office. That's why I am here, looking out the window at the rain falling over the city. This city, which contains all of my heartbreak and sorrow. And I can't help but think about all the tears I have cried. It is funny how I see this rain; it's like it's falling in tribute to my own sadness. Funny, yet totally ironic to the psychiatrist in me. Why? Because I am supposed to know how to manage this situation. But all the self therapy I try does not work. I find myself wondering if my patients feel. the same way our after sessions... silly, I suppose, but scary...
I haven't seen her lately, and that makes it harder when it should make it better. After all, she is there, a happily married woman of three months, and I am here... a total loser in an Armani suit, looking out the window at the rain.
Niles glanced around his office. It was tidy and clean, just as he liked. Everything was in complete order. His desk was piled neatly with papers, all of them files on his patients. The thing was that he didn't remember what he was working on and, anyway, it didn't seem to matter.
I must get over this! Niles thought, slamming his desk with his hand. After all, it had been her decision. She had made the decision and he'd just stood there. Watching her get engaged. He couldn't watch her her married, watch her exit his life. She is happy now. And I am falling down a deep abyss of despair. He couldn't blame her, of course, since she didn't know what he felt for her. How could he? All he would have needed was a few guts. A little courage to step bravely in front of her and say, "I love you". The three magic words, now forbidden.
Daphne is somewhere out there, he thought, and does not know how I feel, and she is with Donny! That damned lawyer to whom I am eternally grateful... and to think that I almost told him how I feel about her. Would it have changed anything? Would he not have pursued her if he knew? She couldn't have fallen for Donny then. Would that confession have kept him away from my Daphne? Nobody knows, and nobody will never know. It just happened. That thought just made him feel worse, so he decided to work, or try to work, anyway. His desk seemed to beckon to him with an incredible load, expecting him to do it.
Niles picked a file at random. It was that of a patient who had an extreme fear of rejection. The name was not familiar but the case was... oh, great. I could be looking at my own file, he thought sourly, and discarded it. He picked up another one, this one about a patient who was afraid of having children. That file made him wonder how long Daphne and Donny would wait to have children. The thought made his stomach turn. Children! With him!
Niles discarded the file in disgust as a new thought entered his mind. What would a child of his and Daphne's have looked like? That thought filled his heart with a mixture of pain and joy. The image in his mind was clear and vivid, almost real. .he opens the door to a hospital room, with a bouquet of roses in his hands. A nurse smiles at him on her way out. He returns the gesture as she leaves. Then the object of his deepest love smiles from the bed. She is wearing a hospital gown, sitting up against the pillows. She is holding a small bundle. Niles leans closer, slowly, trying to be quiet. When he is close enough to see a joyful sigh escapes him. The baby, our baby. Our girl. He kisses Daphne's cheek.The baby is sleepy. Then he looks deeply into Daphne's eyes and knows that everything is fine now..there's nothing to worry about...and...and...
And... it is all a dream.
Niles fought back the tears. He didn't want to cry... not anymore. And he shouldn't have to... he had a wonderful person in his life now... Mel. She cared for him. He knew that, and he was being ungrateful for the attention she gave him. She was one of the reasons he had decided not to attend the wedding, but to lie and leave Seattle for the day. He was afraid he might storm in there and interrupt the ceremony. Niles couldn't ruin her wedding by revealing that he was in love with the bride. Mel didn't know this, of course. It was his best kept secret. However, he suspected that on some level the reason she didn't like Daphne was because she sensed how he felt about her. A suspicion he didn't want to confirm. So, he decided he had to stay away from Daphne. He didn't want to be touched by the ghost of her beautiful warm smile. He didn't want to smell her perfume... her perfume... he had smelled it in her hair so many times. He couldn't see her..but... he missed her in an
almost intolerable way... it hurt like hell. But it was for the best. After all, there was nothing he could do now.
"Clarice," he buzzed his secretary.
Niles tried to rid himself of these thoughts, but the feeling was still there. He missed her. He was still in love with Daphne Moon and not with Mel Karnovsky.
"Clarice?" He buzzed her again. "Are you there?"
"What do you want?" The voice that came from the machine was indeed Clarice's, but her normally warm tone was different. This time it was as rough and cold.
"Could you please bring me a cup of coffee?" he asked.
"Why don't you get it yourself?" Clarice replied harshly. Niles shuddered, puzzled.
"Clarice, is something wrong?" he asked.
"Of course there is!" she said and hung up. He leaned back, wondering what was wrong with her. Then Clarice kicked the door open. She was holding a cup of coffee. Well, that's better, he thought, just before he saw the look in her eyes. She was looking at him with disgust.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked, pointing the chair in front of his desk.
"No, I just want to ask you a question."
"Go ahead."
"Why are you such a coward?" she asked.
"Excuse me?" he replied in shock.
"How could you let her get away?"
"I don't understand..."
"Daphne, you stupid snob....I am talking about Daphne....you can suffer in silence but you can't talk to her about your feelings?" Clarice shouted.
"I might ask you to mind your own business," Niles stated. "And... anyway, how you did you know about that?" He was starting to get angry. "Did my brother tell you?"
"I have eyes, haven't I?" she said.
"I am not discussing this with you!" Niles raised his voice. Who did she think she was, talking to him like that? And about his personal life? "Now, please leave, or... "
"Or what?" Clarice said forcefully. "What are you gonna do about it?" Was this a challenge? Niles didn't know, but he did know that he was getting angry. And puzzled. How could she know about Daphne?
"Are you gonna make me quit? Are you gonna fire me?" she laughed, heartily. "You haven't the guts to confront anybody." Clarice pointed at him. "Look at you... you let Daphne get away, and with your stupid divorce lawyer! Because you always chicken out! You and your fear of rejection!"
That was enough.
Niles leaped up from his chair and hurried out, followed by Clarice.
"Yes, that's it, run away like you always do... never fight back!" she was saying when he closed the door behind him. "Coward!"
The people in the hallway looked at him with disdain. Niles walked down toward the elevator... he needed to get out of there. Clarice's behavior and her knowledge of his feelings for Daphne were unsettling. Was he that transparent? He hadn't thought so; he had managed to fool everybody, including Daphne, for six years. Until Roz found out, thanks to his father's indiscreet comments. Donny didn't know either. Even the slick divorce lawyer was blind to the love Niles felt for his wife...
He needed coffee.
And he knew the perfect spot for that, his sanctuary. Café Nervosa. There, among strangers, he could find a little space to take another look at his life. On his way to the basement parking lot he thought about the many times he had coffee with her. All those times he had thought that she felt very comfortable with him, and why not? He was, in her own words, her best friend. He learned to settle for the little attention she gave him. Countless times he had offered her a ride home, always greeted with that beautiful smile of hers, even when her answer was `No, thanks'. So many times her scent, the soul of the person within touched him in incredible ways, filling his being, first with affection, and then love.
He really hoped he wouldn't run into anyone at the Café. He was not in the mood for another lecture. That brought his mind back to Clarice's behavior... somehow, he sensed that she wanted him to tell Daphne about his feelings. "What a weird thing that would be, now." he muttered, but... his need to see Daphne was becoming stronger. It would not be difficult. All he would need to do would be to show up at his brother's at 3 o'clock, the time of his father's therapy session.
No, damn it!....she does not love....SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME!
He opened his car door and got into the driver's seat. No, he couldn't see her...`Mrs. Donny Douglas'! No way in hell did he want that. He knew that the only thing which would come from that would be more pain. It was for the best to discard that idea and keep a safe distance.
Niles drove his Mercedes down the exit ramp. It was now pouring out, a torrential Friday afternoon. The streets were full of traffic, the usual consequence of rain. The wipers, at full speed, could barely manage the vast amount of water that poured from the sky. I hope there's a place to park, he thought.
He was lucky and found a space.
The café was packed with people, but he spotted a free table and took it, leaving his coat on the rack.
A waiter came and he asked for a latte. As the waiter went off Niles looked toward the door. What if she shows up here? Well, I could probably make some excuse and leave quickly. That was what he decided do if she were to walk into the café.
Oh, who are you trying to fool? he asked himself. If she does show up I will smile at her and thank God for his benevolence with this insignificant mortal. Then I will try to keep her here as long as possible. If that should happen, I might be able to live on for a few more days.
Niles didn't want to admit it, but there was a force in his mind which made him think about her at the slightest provocation. As he waited for his latte that force dragged him deeper into thoughts of her. He tried to fight it. He tried to think about Mel but it was useless. Daphne always won the battle for his thoughts. It didn't matter that he was sure that she didn't love him, his dreams of a perfect world were not dampened by reality... it was destructive... but it was the best he could expect from Daphne... a daydream...
Words crept into his mind, words from a long time ago. Spoken during a tango. "Daphne, I adore you!" "I adore you, too!" Her eyes are locked with his and he is totally shocked. "What?!" "I adore you too!" Words of `acting'. He sighed at the memory. Acting? No. He had poured his heart out to her and she'd had no idea. Then...another memory came to him... one of a hot summer night when an angel had appeared at his door, asking for sanctuary for the night...God, he had come so close!
Go look for her! his heart demanded. NO! his mind shouted back.
He returned from his dreams at the precise moment a waitress came with his latte.
"Well, look who's here." Kit placed the cup in front of him. Niles looked up. "The little coward!"
The people at the surrounding tables stopped to look at him. They shot nasty glances at him; some of them leaned in to whisper. Niles felt his anger returning.
"Kit," he warned. "What is this?"
"Look here!" Kit said, speaking now to the crowd in the café. "This man over here is a coward. He loved a woman deeply and tried to get over her using by anyone he could." She looked at Niles defiantly. "Including me! And he never told that Daphne Moon how he felt about her!" The people began to laugh. "He spent 6 years in silence and finally let her get away with his divorce lawyer!" The laughter increased. Niles's face was red. He looked down, getting angrier by the second. "Wow, that is so pathetic!!!"
"Why are you doing this?" Niles demanded. "Why!?"
"Because you're so lame!" The people were still laughing. "You always run away! Look at you, Mr. Ph. D.!! You went from me to... whats her name? ...Mel! Your ex-wife's plastic surgeon!" Niles looked around, mortified, as the people pointed at him, still laughing. "And you are still running away from your feelings because you don't want to face what she really feels for you."
"Enough!" Niles rose, ready to hit someone. "You don't have any right to treat me like this!"
"I was a short term fling, Niles, and I deserved better... not to be used because you couldn't have the woman you wanted!"
That was true...
"Kit, this is unfair!"
"Get out of here, Niles Crane!" she ordered. The patrons' laughter was deafening.
"Why are you talking to me like this?!" he asked. "How can you know about my life?" He was getting frantic. "Who gave you the right to probe into my life anyway?!!!"
"You never set boundaries, Niles..we were free agents, remember?" she said, mockingly.
"Now leave!"
Niles spun around and stormed out. Only three steps out of the door he stopped and looked back. The people were chatting away normally and Kit was nowhere in sight. Everything was as it should be again.
Niles was breathing fast. He was upset and confused. He walked to his car and tried to open the door. Of course it was locked, so he searched his pockets for his keys, but they were not there. The rain was coming down hard, and he really didn't want to go back to the Café to look for them.
"Hello."
The voice startled him and made him turn around. He saw a little girl protected from the rain by a black parka. She was twelve, thirteen perhaps, and her voice was kind and soft with a familiar accent, like that of a dear friend...
"Hello." he said dryly. "What can I do for you, miss?"
"Having a bad day?" the girl asked. Niles just shrugged his shoulders.
"How would you know about that?" he asked. "Did you hear those people back there?"
"No," she said quietly. "But I know things."
"Don't tell me you are psychic!" Niles exclaimed. The memory of Daphne's declarations of psychic powers deepened his depression.
"No." The girl shook her head, and her brown eyes and blonde hair tied in a pony tail were clearly visible when the hood of her parka fell back ."Please, don't be sad!" she pleaded.
"I am not." he lied.
"Remember your nose, it'll bleed!" she replied. "It always does when you lie, you know."
Niles breathed deeply, trying to to regain composure. This girl had a point there, but... wait, how did she know that?
"Have we met before?"
"No." she confessed. "My name is Hester, but you can call me Hess."
Another image appeared to Niles.
"That is a lovely name. My... my..."
"Yes, I know, that was your mother's name," Hess said softly.
Niles folded his arms. "I am Dr. Crane," he said. "How can you possibly know these things?"
"I just know," Hester said. "And Dr. Crane sounds so formal. Could I call you Niles?"
Niles jolted back, slamming into his car. He had not told Hess his first name.
"Are you with your parents?" He needed to know more about this child.
"Not yet," was her answer. "I was just taking a walk in the rain, which happens to like me a lot."
For the second time in less than a minute, Daphne's face came to his eyes. She liked to walk in the rain.
"But I don't," Niles said, thinking out loud.
Hester giggled. "I know." She showed him a key ring, his key ring. "That's why you'll need this."
"Oh, thank you. It must have fallen from my pocket," he sighed, taking it from her.
"Are you leaving?"
"Yeah," he said, now a little more relaxed. "I guess I'll go home ..." He selected the correct key and opened the door. "Well, Hess, I..." he began, but when she turned around she was gone.
Niles shrugged his shoulders and got into the car.
* * *
With no memory of having driven home, Niles found himself seated at the dinner table. Across from him Mel was finishing her meal, a dinner he had already finished but didn't remember eating. A glass of wine was in his right hand... champagne?...sherry?...he didn't know... an aria played softly on the CD.
"Is something wrong, Niles?" Mel's voice snapped him back to reality.
"I was just... listening to that incredible aria," he said, trying to gain precious seconds to remember what they had been talking about.
"Yanni's `Aria'?" Mel looked at him, frowning. "I find that aria tasteless; we just discussed that."
"Oh, yes, yes..." he sipped his wine...it was champagne. "My mind drifted," he admitted. "How was your dinner?"
"Excellent, thank you," she smiled. Niles returned the gesture but she saw something was wrong. "Are you sick or something?"
"Me?"
"No, the Pope," she laughed. Niles just chuckled. "Of course, you."
"I am fine." He rose from his chair. "More wine?"
"Yes, please." He walked to the wine rack in the kitchen. She followed him and she hugged him.
"I know what will make you feel better."
"And that would be?" he said, and let her kiss him.
When the kiss broke, Mel returned to the living room. He selected one of the wine bottles and placed it on the kitchen table. He stood there, thinking. The events of that day, including Hester, were spinning in his mind but lacking explanation. Oh, how he would like to turn off the psychiatrist in him at will, but that was impossible. When he had a problem he had to find the rational explanation; it was automatic.
Mel called him from the living room. Niles hurried to open the bottle and walked out of the kitchen. Mel was by the fireplace, looking with interest at a certain object on the mantle. It was a wooden dragon, Roz's thank you gift. He had placed the ugly statue there with the intention of tossing it into the fire one day... by accident, of course.
"What an horrible statue," she said. "So tasteless!!"
"My brother's producer, Roz, gave it to me as a thank you gift for a small favour I did for her."
"You didn't go on a date with her, did you?" she asked, laughing.
"God forbid!" Niles said, smiling weakly.
"For a moment I thought it was a gift from that therapist of your father's..." she tried to remember the name. "Dulcey?"
"Daphne." The correction was automatic and quick. "Her name is Daphne."
"Oh, yes," Mel said."Taking into account her background, this statue is a likely gift she would choose." She laughed, but Niles remained silent. "What's wrong?"
"You are have no respect for the people I care about." He folded his arms.
"You care about that servant?" Mel was shocked.
"She is not a servant, Mel. And she is a very good friend... she is warm... funny....she is always there to help...she is...she is..." Niles stopped. He had been about to blurt it all out.
Mel was getting angry. "You really care for her," she said dryily.
"I told you, she is my friend."
"And I am supposed to be more than that!"
"You are, Mel," Niles said. "But..." Sigh. "She helped me a lot when I was divorcing Maris... she was always there for me when I needed somebody to talk to... and she wanted nothing in return." Another sigh. "And to hear you talk about her that way makes me very upset."
Mel came to him and took one of his hands.
"I am sorry," she said, hugging him. "I will keep that in mind."
Niles felt her arms around him and couldn't help but feel guilty.
"Something really odd happened to me today," he said, trying to change the subject.
Mel broke the hug and walked to the fainting couch, sitting.
"Tell me about it."
"Clarice, my secretary, acted really strangely today, she was ..." he searched for the right words, "quite cross with me."
"How peculiar." Mel sipped her wine.
"Yes, that's not at all like her." He decided not to tell her about Kit. That might lead the conversation back to to Daphne.
Daphne, Daphne...why is it always about Daphne? he though dejectedly. How can I ever get over her? He looked at Mel, who smiled at him tenderly, making feel even more guilty.
He decided he had to try to fall in love with Mel Karnovsky.
***
Somebody was knocking at the door.
Niles found himself in his bathroom in front of the mirror, with no memory of the previous night after that last decision. He didn't know if Mel was still there or not, all he knew was that it was morning. He was in his bathroom, dressed and groomed, and somebody was knocking, now harder, at the front door.
"Isn't it a bit early for visitors?" he mumbled as he walked down the stairs. "Coming!" he shouted as the door was pounded again. "Who could this be?"
It was his brother. Frasier walked in, looking at him seriously..
"Frasier," Niles said in surprise; his brother just nodded. "What's going on? You almost knocked the door down."
"I have to talk to you, Niles." Frasier was hanging up his coat, which meant he was planning to stay for a while.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you must have called. I haven't checked my machine in a few days. What is this about?" Niles tried to guess what was on his brother's mind. He knew him very well and there was defintely something bothering him. Had he done something?...Niles tried to review the last few days, but they were all a blur.
"It's about you," his brother said gravely.
Niles rolled his eyes as he walked toward the kitchen.
"Oh, Lord. What is it this time?" he asked. He didn't need a `brotherly lecture' first thing in the morning.
"I was wondering what you are going to do about..." his brother began. And then he knew what would come next. Daphne again. He held up his palm to stop him his brother.
"I won't tell Daphne how I feel, Frasier," he said, defeated. "I know it is a little crush. I know she is married ... I know you always tried to help me get over this, and..."
Frasier slapped him. The shock silenced him at once. His cheek was burning and his eyes and mouth were open in shock.
"So, take that!" His big brother had just hit him and was looking at him defiantly. Niles' confusion was total. "For the past 6 years I have stood by and watched you run away from everything... why don't you ever fight back!!!??"
"You...you hit me!" Niles said. Frasier slapped him again.
"Yes, I did. Come on, Niles. Show me what you're made of." Frasier loomed over him. Niles held him off with his hands. "Let out your feelings!! Fight back!!!"
"Frasier, get out of here!" Niles demanded. "You have no right ...!" He spoke calmly, but his heart was sinking progressivily into dejection and confusion. What would cause Frasier to be that angry with him?
"I won't, not until you quit acting like a sissy!" Frasier grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into the living room. "Come on, man, don't just let things happen!!!"
Niles fought back but it was useless. Frasier was strong enough to handle him easily. He found himself being thrown to the fainting couch like a marionette. He waved his arms frantically. Frasier chuckled, amused.
"Stop it, Frasier!" Niles yelled, now really scared. He knew his brother but never had thought him capable of doing something like this. "Stop it right now!"
"What are you going to do about it?" Frasier demanded. "Tell me, Niles!"
"Is this really about Daphne?" Niles wanted to know, scrambling to his feet.
"Why didn't you just do what you should have?!" Frasier asked, throwing hands out, his face still a mask of fury. "Why did you always wait for my advice?"
"Because I..."
"Because you wanted somebody to blame!" Frasier interrupted. "You needed to use me as an excuse for your lack of courage!!"
"That's not true!!" Niles yelled, now furious. "That is not true!!"
Frasier laughed, pointing at him.
"All right, then." Frasier's laughter stopped. "Then why she is married to someone else?"
"Because it was her decision!" Niles exclaimed. "Do you seriously think my feelings would have made a difference?! Do you really think I would risk losing her friendship for the sake of an impossible love?! Answer me, Frasier," he demanded. "Answer me!"
His brother folded his arms.
"Then you are saying that my advice was correct?!"
"I..." That was a good question...Why did his brother's advice mean so much to him? How many chances did he waste listening to the advice of Frasier Crane? A hundred?...a thousand?...He didn't know. All he knew now was that Frasier was part of his problem with Daphne. "I have to get out of here!" he said, spinning around.
"See?" Frasier sat on the fainting couch as Niles walked out. "You always run away!!!"
Niles slammed the door behind him. Tears of rage were flowing down his cheek. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt dizzy. He needed some air.
He walked briskly down the hallway, escaping from the overwhelming presence of his brother. He was indeed running away, just as Frasier had said.
When he finally reached the street he was exhausted, but he couldn't go back to his apartment. He wanted to lose himself in the city, to just disappear. Niles glanced at the people around him, an endless parade of strangers.
He wanted to scream out his dejection and sadness, to admit to the world what a coward he was. But he didn't. He just walked to the nearest bench and collapsed. Luckily it was hidden from view by a tall tree and a fountain. It seemed a world apart.
Niles looked down, trying to control himself, when something appeared before his eyes. It was . . . an ice cream cone, held by a small hand. He looked up and saw Hester.
"Take this..." she said, sadly. "It helps."
He didn't know what to say and just took it.
"Don't feel bad..." she said. "Your brother loves you, he didn't mean to hurt you."
Niles looked hard at the girl. How she could know all that she did?
"How do you ...?" he began, the ice cream in his hand, but then changed the question. "How did you know I was here?"
"Let's just say it's my job." Hester patted his shoulder. "Go ahead," she smiled. "Give it a try."
Niles obeyed..it was...strawberry ...his favorite.
"Don't worry about all of them." Hester's brown eyes were fixed on his. "They will eventually be happy for you..." She leaned in close to him, like if she wanted to tell him a secret. "If you make the right decision..."
With her so close the familiar aroma startled him. It was in her hair and unmistakable... it was Daphne's favorite shampoo... cherry bark and almonds... who was this girl, anyway?
"Right decision?" he asked.
"You have to look for Daphne," she stated. Niles drew back.
"Daphne?"
"Yes." Hester smiled.
"There's nothing I can do about her," he said surrending to the fact that Hester knew a lot of things about him when he knew nothing about her. "I've got to get over her."
"You do love her, don't you?"
"I suppose you know the answer to that," Niles said. Hester nodded. "And it seems everyone else does, too."
"Look for her!" Hester said pleadingly.
"I can't. She is married now." He stared at the ice cream. He wanted to know how she knew about him, and about Daphne. How much did the girl know about Daphne, anyway? He wanted to know how she was. Was she happy? Or did she miss him? Perhaps Hester knew.
"Hester ...I.." But she was gone.
Niles leaped up from the bench and looked around. The street was empty. There were no cars, no people around, just himself. Lord, what was happening? How could a little girl just vanish? The ice cream cone was still there, so Hester couldn't have been a figment of his imagination.
He sat again on the bench, confused. He tried to find a rational explanation for the last few minutes. Then something landed in his lap.
It was a scarf, a light blue one.
Daphne's favorite.
Get a grip, Niles.
Niles sniffed the scarf. It was Daphne's, the scent was unmistakable. And it seemed to be filled with her essence. There was no mistake, no matter how many women used the same perfume.
Niles, pull yourself together.
Suddenly he was getting into to his car. He placed the scarf on the passenger seat and started the engine. He had no idea where to go, but he wanted to get away. Maybe he would, for a few days. His lake front cottage would be a good idea, he was sure. It was far from here and nobody would find him. The solitude might help him figure out what had been happening the last few days.
A red light forced him to stop in front of the entrance to a public park. A crowd of children passed in front of his car, led by a group of parents who were chatting away. Niles studied their faces; they all seemed so happy. He followed them with his eyes as they walked into the park until an old Ford station wagon stopped at his left.
The car was a wreck. It billowed smoke from the old engine. It had scratched paint and looked most uncomfortable. At the wheel was a young woman who smiled at him. He realized that it was the second kind gesture he had seen that day, the first being Hester's. No . . . Niles paid closer attention and found that she was not smiling at him. She was smiling at the person next to her.
A little blonde head appeared at the windows edge. It was a baby, a boy, perhaps a year old. He crept upward until he was able to look out the window. His blue eyes landed on Niles. The baby giggled, making Niles chuckle. The woman stroked his hair.
"Say hi to the man," she said to her son. "Wave to him, Stephen."
Stephen waved his little hand at Niles, who returned the gesture, smiling gently. The mother made him return to his seat when the light turned green. Then Stephen and the station wagon were gone, leaving Niles still waving. A bus began honking behind his Mercedes, making him step on the gas.
The image of Daphne holding a baby returned to him. This time it was late at night. She was walking down to the living room of the Montana with what was apparently their baby. She didn't want to wake Niles. He watched her sit on the fainting couch. The lights were dim and soft music came from the CD player.He was on the stairscase, watching the magic that bonds mother and child. He was looking at the love of his life as she whispered to their child....suddenly...she looked up and caught his eye.
"I didn't want to wake you," she said. "But since you're up...do you want to join us?"
"How can I refuse?" Niles whispered to the air. He was still gripping the steering wheel. "How can I refuse that?"
"How can you refuse what?" asked a voice from the passenger seat.
Niles shuddered, pressing on the brake, and looked for the source of the voice. It was Mel. Thanks to the seat belt he was not catapulted through the windshield.
"What's going on, Niles?" she asked. He was breathing rapidly, looking at her in complete shock. "Niles?"
"How you did you get in here?" he managed to ask. "When did you get into the car?"
Mel looked exasperated.
"You picked me up 20 minutes ago, don't you remember? Niles, are you feeling all right?" she asked. "Do you have fever?" She touched his forehead.
"Mel, I..." He was going to pieces right there. Maybe he had a case of schizophrenia or memory loss. Maybe he was trapped in some sort of labyrinth. Or... he was simply going crazy. "You startled me," he said, trying to compose himself. After all, Mel seemed truly worried about him.
"And that's why you stopped short in the middle of the street?" Passers by began to stop and look inside. "Oh, God we're attracting a crowd." Niles forced a smile and stepped on the gas. "Niles, maybe you should see a doctor."
"No, It's ok," he said. "I am fine, really."
Niles was a bit ashamed, thinking about another woman. A forbidden woman, but still, the one he loved. Oh, the hell with her! SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME!..can I ever rid myself of these thoughts??
The car cell phone rang.
Niles looked at the caller ID and his heart skipped a beat. It said `D.Douglas'. Daphne's new home. Ha! he thought, new home... he wanted to throw the phone out the window when it rang again. Mel glanced at the phone and then at Niles...maybe she wondered if he wanted to answer it.
Did he want to?
Niles wasn't sure... maybe it would be for the best if he just...
RING!!!!...RING!!!..RING!!!
Mel reached for the phone and pressed the speaker button. He hadn't had time to stop her.
"Hello?" It was a male voice... "Niles?" Donny. What could he want?
"Yes," he said into the mic, trying to act casual. Mel kept her eyes on him.
Do not ask for her...DO NOT ASK FOR HER!! Since it is Donny on the line, that means she does not want to talk to me.
Quickly.
"Yes, Mr. Douglas, what can I do for you?" he asked.
"Hey, tiger! Cut the formality!" Donny said with his normal good humor. "After all, we are practically family now."
Niles felt dizzy.
"Hey, Donny, I want to thank you for the divorce files you sent over yesterday," Mel said. Niles looked at her. Divorce files....what divorce files?.....yesterday???...what day is today anyway? "I tossed them into the fire just to feel better."
"I bet you did, Mel!" Donny and Mel laughed. Niles stopped at a red light. "Listen, Niles, Daphne asked me to remind you that you promised to have dinner with us after the wedding, so I'm calling to set a date."
Niles looked at the phone in dread. Was she the one who wanted to set the date? Did she want to see him?
"Dinner!" Mel exclaimed. "That sounds lovely, Donny..what about Friday?"
"I will check with Daphne when she wakes up....we've been..., you know...spending a lot of time in the `boudoir'. But Friday sounds good to me!"
The allusion to their sex life made him clench his fists. That was one subject he really didn't want to hear about.
"Of course, I have to check my agenda." Niles tried to regain his composure. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"Excellent! Have a good day, you two. Don't do anything we wouldn't do!! " Donny hung up.
"Donny and Daphne make a lovely couple, don't you think?"
Niles could do nothing but grunt. What are you feeling now, Dr. Niles Crane?...are you trying to escape from love?....are you doing this for your own good?...maybe it is for Mel's own good. After all, she didn't deserve to be lead on, but the reality was that everything was out of control...all the events of the past few days...the little girl...Daphne...Mel...Frasier...everybody.
Mel was caressing his shoulder, looking at him lovingly. What if he were to look for sanctuary in her? What if she really wanted to marry him? Maybe Mel Karnovsky was the right one for him. What if Daphne Moon was only an fantasy?...yeah, sure, a 6 year fantasy....yeah, right.
How has this all started? he thought. How can I have loved her in silence, happy to be just an observer and not a participant? Why did I allow it to continue? Simple. I saw no hope of winning her. Of course, there were times when I could have sworn that she loved me, occasions when our friendship was proven to be indestructible. But there were also times when I heard awful words of rejection from her as well. The time Donny hung up the phone and said that Maris' lawyers were claiming "alienation of affection" based on the suspicion that Niles was in love with another woman, that woman being Daphne. And what did she say about that?.... "Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?" A thorn in his heart...and the worst part was that Daphne had no idea how that had hurt. She was innocent. She always has been.
Innocent.
What kind of innocence was that?, he thought, now irritated. Was she blind? Couldn't she see how he looked at her? Didn't she notice how much he liked to be with her? Couldn't she read between the lines? He was always there for her when she asked for help. He had waited for Daphne to find out how much he loved her. And now look where he was. In a relationship he didn't want, entered into for the sole purpose of getting over her. With another person who was innocent. He was the guilty one here.
Mel was innocent because she, just like Daphne, didn't know a thing about his true feelings. Look at the behavior of the other people around him now. Mel was the only person who gave him a sincere smile instead of a slap. What would happen if she found out how much I love Daphne? How would she react if she found out that she means nothing compared to the British goddess?
This was reality.
Reality hurts, of course. Especially when it is of our own creation, in spite of what we want. The decisions he had made drove him from his dream. But no matter how much it hurt, he had to get out of the deep well he was in. He had to climb out or he'd drown.
Forget about Daphne, his psychiatrist mind said, remember that SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Remember that she is married and happy now. Remember that self destruction will solve nothing.
He nodded in silence.
***
Niles stepped out the door of his office building. He looked up at the clouds forming over Seattle's evening sky. It was going to rain in a matter of minutes. He didn't want to go home, not yet. He didn't want to be there alone because he knew how much he would miss Daphne. That was not part of his plan for healing. He had to avoid any contact with her. He would make some excuse about the dinner. He needed to avoid any place she might be. His brother's apartment was #1 on that list. Not that he had any desire to see Frasier just now, after what his brother had done. Now he had to do everything in his power to fall in love with Mel. He was mulling this over when a familiar shape hobbled toward him.
Dad!
He stopped short.
What if Dad was angry with him too?.
The question made him take a step back. Maybe he should go back inside. Too late; Martin was hobbling in his direction.
"Hello, son," he said flatly. "Take a walk with me." It was not an invitation.
"Sure, Dad" Niles said with a weak smile.
The two men walked down the street in silence for about two hundred yards, Niles just waiting and Martin just walking. Niles was getting more nervous. A clap of thinder broke, making him tremble. His father didn't react.
"Son, I want you to know that I respect your decision," his father said and looked at him, sadly.
"I know how much you loved Daphne."
Niles' heart skipped a beat.
"I still love her," he admitted as they passed a flower shop. "But this is not a matter of love...it is a matter of common sense."
Martin sighed. Niles noticed a couple walking in front of them. They were chatting happily and laughing, and pinching each other at odd intervals. The man hugged her and she looked at him fondly.
"I care about you, son," Martin said. "I really do....and I admire the effort you're making to get over her."
"Thank you, Dad." Niles smiled, feeling a bit relieved.
"I asked Frasier to step aside..." his father sighed, his face an inscrutable mask. "He had no right
to act like he did."
"Let's just not talk about it." Niles said, shrugging his shoulders.
Suddenly Martin grabbed his son's arm and turned him to face him. His expression changed from sympathetic to furious. His eyes burned into his son's. Niles became frightened, trying to step back, but his father's grip was strong...and was starting to hurt him.
"Dad..." he gasped.
"Aren't you gonna face it?" Martin cried. "Are you gonna just let it slip away?"
"What...what can I do?" he tried to regain his composure.
"Fight back!" he yelled. The people around them paused to look at the two men arguing on the sidewalk. "Go over there and tell your brother that you have your own life, that your decision counts!!"
"I think he knows that," he replied. His father shook him by the shoulders.
"Don't let people walk all over you!!!" Martin said loudly. "Fight for the things you really want!!"
"You want me to fight with my own brother?" he asked, trying unsuccesfully to escape his father's grip .
"No." Martin shook his head. "I want you to quit being a sissy who just lets people take whatever they want from you."
"You're not talking about Frasier anymore, are you?" he said.
"I mean generally." His father finally let go. Niles rubbed his arm. "Wake up, Niles .... if you want your brother's respect... there is no other way to obtain it but to fight!" Niles looked down. He suspected what would be next. "And about Daphne," his father started, poking him in the chest. "You had all the time in the world to tell her, and you never did!! Geez, Niles....how could you let her go like that?"
"She does not love me," he said quietly, the tension draining from him. "Pure and simple."
People were surrounding them, some chuckling.
"How can you know that?" his father gave him a shove. "You never dared to ask!"
"She never..."
Another shove, this one stronger. Niles stepped back, unable to do anything against his father.
"She never what?!" Martin was frustrated. "You let her get away....you suffered in silence for 6 years for nothing....to wind up in a relationship you don't care a whit about..."
"I do." he claimed. "I care about Mel."
"You see an escape in her." Martin threw his hands up. "And that's all. You love Daphne and all you can do about it is cheat on another woman."
Niles grimaced.
"I am not cheating on Mel," he replied.
"Yes, you are," his father said. "By not being honest with her."
Niles had to get away. He turned around, intending to try to break through the newly formed crowd.
"I've had enough!" he yelled. "I'll see you later, Dad, good night."
The human barricade made him stop; laughing faces made him step back into the circle.
"What... running away again?" Martin asked, half sarcastic.
"Ok. If this is what you want...." Niles faced him. "I love Daphne, yes...I can't picture a life without her but she is gone now...how can I talk to her about my love when she is married to someone else?"
Tears began to roll down his cheeks. Unable him to stop them, he just looked down, ashamed. The crowd's laughter got louder.
"Look for her, son...." his father said paternally. He hobbled away into the crowd. "Fight back even if you lose...fight for the one you love.."
Niles stood in place, looking down, unable to move. He wondered if the people would let him get away. They were all still there, surrounding him and laughing.
"Leave him alone!" an stern voice yelled.
A soft hand took his right hand. He looked up to find Hester scolding the crowd. When did she arrive?
"Leave him alone!" she ordered again. The crowd fell silent. "Don't you see what you are doing to this man?!"
The crowd began to disburse, slowly. Niles was surprised at how they all obeyed the child's order. In no time the two of them were alone in the street. No cars, no people, just them...and the incoming storm.
"Hester..." Niles said, and she looked at him, squeezing his hand gently. "What are you doing here?"
Her eyes met his... brown on blue...blue on brown...those eyes...so familiar...Daphne's. This thought made him tremble. He didn't want to let go of her hand. The soft touch made him feel secure...and...the scarf she was wearing...it was the scarf he recognized as Daphne's.
Niles was astonished. Hester's eyes drifted as she pulled his arm to walk.
Who was this little girl? And why did she keep showing up right after unpleasant confrontations? He needed some answers...
Niles followed her through the empty streets. A strong wind was a prelude to the incoming storm.
"Hester," He tried to make her stop but she just kept walking. "Hester, I need to know who you are."
She smiled.
"I am Hester..." she said. "Hess, remember?"
There was an awkward silence as she dragged him to a nearby park. There was a Chinese Portal at the entrance. A tall group of trees lined the path. The park was dark, too dark for a little girl...
"Whare are we going?" Niles wanted to stop..but found that he couldn't.
"I want to show you something," was the answer.
She led him down the path. There were people on the benches, but it was too dark to see who they were. Niles was afraid but also puzzled. Hester didn't seem to be afraid of anything, she just walked deeper into the park.
"That's Daphne's scarf...isn't it?" Niles asked, determined to get the answer to who..or what...the child was.
"It is..." She admitted. "But please don't tell her...she hates it when I take it. She might get mad." Hester giggled.
Niles arched an eyebrow...and this time he was able to stop.
"How can she possibly be mad at you?" Niles asked, kneeling to be at her face level. "Does she know you? Are you Donny's relative or something?" he continued.
"Look at me, Niles," she said, her eyes on his again....Daphne's eyes glowing into the night.... "You know I am not Donny's relative..."
Her voice...the accent...British.....Niles sat on the cold pavement. Hester was right there...within his reach...looking at him with those beautiful brown eyes...
"Daphne..." she started.
The name pierced his heart.
"You have to go find her..."
Niles voice was shaky.
"Who are you?" he asked. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"You don't have anything to be afraid of." Hester extended her arm to touch him but he leaned back to avoid the contact...he was not sure what was happening...."Hester is here..." she said.
"Why do you keep showing up like this?" He threw up his hands "How do you know about Daphne!!?...how do you know about me??"
"I know things...I told you." She took his hand and squeezed it warmly. "Please, Niles...fight back....go find her....please...I don't have much time." Her voice was a painful plea, the plea of a desperate child on a stormy night...a girl with Daphne's eyes...eyes now menaced by tears.
"She is married!" he yelled. "SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME"
She looked at him fondly.
"Fight back," she repeated. "Please?" Niles stood up, Hester still holding his hand. "Please? For me?"
Niles didn't know how to answer; no words came to his mouth.
"I have to go now. They're calling me..." Hester began to step back...slowly fading into the night...and Niles was unable to stop her...
"Hester!" He didn't want her to leave him there, so he began to walk in the direction of her dispparearance.
At that moment the entire park was flooded with light. Niles covered his eyes to protect them from the glow..a moment after..when his eyes focused again..he found himself face to face with a mouth full of sharp teeth.
He screamed and jumped back....there in front of him, a ferocious wooden dragon was looking at him, ready to attack.
It was a huge statue of a Chinese dragon. The base was high but the dragon was leaned to its side, its mouth open in attack mode. It was familiar...yes..it was the same one Roz had given him, but this one... this one was much bigger.
And Hester was gone again.
***
What are you doing?
Hey, listen up, I am talking to you!!
Hello? Is anybody out there?
Niles covered his ears and walked directly to his office. The voice inside his head was demanding his attention but he didn't want to listen. He wanted to be alone for a while, away from everyone, including his `inner psychiatrist'. After all, he was the one who controlled his thoughts, he was the one responsible for his decisions and...
Hey, you cannot hide from me...remember, you cannot be alone, you need me!
..and he was the one with no explanation for all of this. He fought to regain control of himself. He wanted to think like a man and not a professional. To think with his heart. The brain can be cold and objective but the heart does not always obey what the brain commands. This was one of those times.
Niles locked the door and went over to the sofa. And prepared for the battle, the battle between love and reason...
Daphne..Daphne...Daphne...
It's all about her...Clarice, Kit, Frasier, Dad, every one of them wanted him to be brave and to fight for her, and what had he said about it?..
SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME!
Thank you..yes. You've said that...over and over, and every time I almost accepted it. Hester appeared to comfort me and encourage me to find her. She wants what the others are urging me to do. But she was the only one who never argued with me. She was there to help me..but...weren't the others trying to do the same thing?
Niles leaned back and the voice inside his head began again.
They all tried very hard to confront you with your fear of rejection but..BUT..they do not know how she feels. She is married and happy and you've always known that she can't love you. It has been proven through the years. You have plenty of evidence of that.
"But what about the times I felt she had feelings for me?" he asked out loud. From deep in his mind, an idea emerged...he wanted to know why the voice was trying to keep him away from Daphne...
The answer came with no hesitation.
It was your hope. You hoped for her to love you, and when she showed sympathy for you or mere friendship you hoped it was more. Friendship was the only thing she offered you.
Niles nodded in silence; it was not as he wished, but he had to agree with the voice. The diagnosis was correct. After all, she was married to Donny and hadn't spoken to him in months now.
But wait...
Niles leaped from the couch and stood.
"Your diagnosis is based on speculations..and..."
No, it is not, she does not love you.
"AND...what was I expecting from her?...was I expecting her to fall into my arms at the first sight of me?"
You can't get close to her now, she is married...
"Yes, I know," Niles said. "But...she deserves to know."
What are you talking about? The voice was beginning to sound exasperated.
Niles rubbed his chin thoughtfully..
"I am saying that...the best way to get past unwanted emotions is to talk about them with the person involved...am I wrong?" he asked, now acting like the psychiatrist he was. This seemed to keep the voice quiet for a few seconds...Niles grinned. "Well?..." he teased.
But you'll get rejected! The voice panicked.
"I don't care anymore," Niles shrugged his shoulders. "I will look for her, and now." Niles pulled his cell phone out of his jacket and flipped it open.
No!!
The door was kicked open. Niles spun around to face whoever had done it and there stood....the voice...the person behind the voice...Dr. Niles Crane.
You hard-headed idiot!
In another circumstances Niles would have fainted dead away, but not this time. He wanted answers and there it was, the source of all the explanations he sought.
"I should have known it was you..."
You don't remember what PAIN is? Dr. Crane asked. Niles just shrugged. He remembered indeed, the lacerating pressure in his chest... sleepless nights....tears upon tears....happiness denied... You don't understand, do you?
Niles flipped the phone closed and placed it on his desk, then went to his chair and sat, staring at the doctor. Dr. Crane, in his impeccible Armani suit, stood in his place, looking at him coldly, defiantly. Niles just dismissed the look.
After all, he was talking to himself.
"I deserve the right to fight for Daphne!" he said plainly.
Don't be ridiculous!! Dr. Crane said pointing at him. You have always been smitten with her because she is...
" ..a warm, tender and caring woman, a beautiful angel, biologically engineered to bring happiness to all she meets?..."
Dr. Crane shook his head furiously.
To you she is the most dangerous woman in the world...remember, Niles, Maris hurt you a lot; she made fun of you and then simply dumped you like an empty can! And what did you think when you met Daphne?..hmm?...tell me, go ahead...!! he demanded.
"I handed her my heart..."
And got what in return?
"Pain" was the answer. But Niles knew what the doctor was up to; he wanted to regain control. He wanted to drag him back to objective analysis. But...this time, it wouldn't work. Thinking about what all the people had said, Frasier, Clarice, Martin... Niles came to a conclusion. They didn't want him to face Daphne. They all wanted him to face his own fears..and fight back!
Dr. Crane sat on the chair across the desk and clenched his fists.
Pain! he yelled. Pain and nothing else..she just went on with her life while you ...
Niles looked firmly at Dr. Crane.
"Why are you angry?" he asked.
Dr Crane leaned back, surprised by the calm in Niles' voice.
Angry?...me?
"You miss her too, don't you? You fail when you try not to think about her and that's why you hide behind `She does not love you.'" Niles leaned forward and saw fear in Dr. Crane's eyes.
I speak the truth! he insisted, getting up.
"Do you?" Niles leaned back again and folded his arms. "Extrapolation of feelings based on situations ..."
You know I am correct!!
"Maybe you are...but you're also afraid, and that's why you keep telling me this crap!!" Niles hit the desk."You don't want to be hurt and that's why you try to keep me away from her!!"
I am not afraid of anything! Dr Crane rose from his chair. She does not love you!!!
"You love her as much as I do!" Niles finally said. "Deny it!!!"
Dr Crane kept silent and walked back....it was obvious that he couldn't.
All right. Dr. Crane said, Go ahead, go over there and destroy us both!! Tell her how much she means to you and prepare to be hit by a cold shoulder! Then...it'll be my time to laugh!!
"Why are you doing this to us?" he asked. "Don't you deserve happiness?" Niles hoped it would work. Maybe if he could convince the doctor he could muster up the courage to talk to her.
I do. Dr. Crane said. As do you. But she made her decision....it is too late now... and it is my duty to keep pain away from you...
"Away from US." Niles corrected. "If I get hurt you do as well."
Dr. Crane nodded.You get my point! he said. Then if you understand this ..why do you keep thinking about her?..Why do you still want to give her your heart? All you'll get is rejection and you will lose her forever...
"I've lost her already!" Niles shouted. "Don't you see that? Why don't you just shut yourself off? Be an observer and let me, for once, fight my own battles. Yes, I'll lose, and then you can laugh all you want!" He paused. "I still think about her because I love her...because I have been running away from ..." he pointed at him. "I have been running away from you! You cannot simply turn my heart off!"
Dr. Crane turned around to leave.
OK. I understand...
Niles watched Dr. Crane leave and shut the door. Then the intensity of the conversation overcame him. He collapsed in his chair, closing his eyes. After a few moments of silence, the voice came inside his head, the voice of Dr. Crane.
Go to her, then...
There was a soft knock on the office door. Wearily, Niles got up and went to answer it...he was completely sure that, no matter what stood on the other side, nothing could surprise him anymore.
Hester was standing there, her parka glistening from the rain. She reached out her hand.
"I know where she is, Niles. And she wants to see you..."
***
Daphne sat bolt upright in bed, panting and sweating. The room was dark, but she could see the face of the clock on her nightstand. 4:20 a.m.
She looked around to get her bearings. She immediately realized that she was in her room in the Elliot Bay apartment.
She felt her left hand with her right. Only her engagement ring was there. There was no wedding band.
My God, what was that all about?
***
Niles sat at the edge of his bed. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he tried to stop hyperventilating. Shakily he turned on the bedside lamp and looked at the clock. 4:33 a.m.
He looked over at Mel. She was sound asleep.
He put on his robe, not bothering with slippers, and went down to his balcony.
Good Lord, what was that?
***
There would be no more sleep for either of them tonight.
End Part 2
The Story with No Name
Chapter Two
Niles
There's nothing better for concentration than silence, he thought. The only place where I can find tranquility is in my office. That's why I am here, looking out the window at the rain falling over the city. This city, which contains all of my heartbreak and sorrow. And I can't help but think about all the tears I have cried. It is funny how I see this rain; it's like it's falling in tribute to my own sadness. Funny, yet totally ironic to the psychiatrist in me. Why? Because I am supposed to know how to manage this situation. But all the self therapy I try does not work. I find myself wondering if my patients feel. the same way our after sessions... silly, I suppose, but scary...
I haven't seen her lately, and that makes it harder when it should make it better. After all, she is there, a happily married woman of three months, and I am here... a total loser in an Armani suit, looking out the window at the rain.
Niles glanced around his office. It was tidy and clean, just as he liked. Everything was in complete order. His desk was piled neatly with papers, all of them files on his patients. The thing was that he didn't remember what he was working on and, anyway, it didn't seem to matter.
I must get over this! Niles thought, slamming his desk with his hand. After all, it had been her decision. She had made the decision and he'd just stood there. Watching her get engaged. He couldn't watch her her married, watch her exit his life. She is happy now. And I am falling down a deep abyss of despair. He couldn't blame her, of course, since she didn't know what he felt for her. How could he? All he would have needed was a few guts. A little courage to step bravely in front of her and say, "I love you". The three magic words, now forbidden.
Daphne is somewhere out there, he thought, and does not know how I feel, and she is with Donny! That damned lawyer to whom I am eternally grateful... and to think that I almost told him how I feel about her. Would it have changed anything? Would he not have pursued her if he knew? She couldn't have fallen for Donny then. Would that confession have kept him away from my Daphne? Nobody knows, and nobody will never know. It just happened. That thought just made him feel worse, so he decided to work, or try to work, anyway. His desk seemed to beckon to him with an incredible load, expecting him to do it.
Niles picked a file at random. It was that of a patient who had an extreme fear of rejection. The name was not familiar but the case was... oh, great. I could be looking at my own file, he thought sourly, and discarded it. He picked up another one, this one about a patient who was afraid of having children. That file made him wonder how long Daphne and Donny would wait to have children. The thought made his stomach turn. Children! With him!
Niles discarded the file in disgust as a new thought entered his mind. What would a child of his and Daphne's have looked like? That thought filled his heart with a mixture of pain and joy. The image in his mind was clear and vivid, almost real. .he opens the door to a hospital room, with a bouquet of roses in his hands. A nurse smiles at him on her way out. He returns the gesture as she leaves. Then the object of his deepest love smiles from the bed. She is wearing a hospital gown, sitting up against the pillows. She is holding a small bundle. Niles leans closer, slowly, trying to be quiet. When he is close enough to see a joyful sigh escapes him. The baby, our baby. Our girl. He kisses Daphne's cheek.The baby is sleepy. Then he looks deeply into Daphne's eyes and knows that everything is fine now..there's nothing to worry about...and...and...
And... it is all a dream.
Niles fought back the tears. He didn't want to cry... not anymore. And he shouldn't have to... he had a wonderful person in his life now... Mel. She cared for him. He knew that, and he was being ungrateful for the attention she gave him. She was one of the reasons he had decided not to attend the wedding, but to lie and leave Seattle for the day. He was afraid he might storm in there and interrupt the ceremony. Niles couldn't ruin her wedding by revealing that he was in love with the bride. Mel didn't know this, of course. It was his best kept secret. However, he suspected that on some level the reason she didn't like Daphne was because she sensed how he felt about her. A suspicion he didn't want to confirm. So, he decided he had to stay away from Daphne. He didn't want to be touched by the ghost of her beautiful warm smile. He didn't want to smell her perfume... her perfume... he had smelled it in her hair so many times. He couldn't see her..but... he missed her in an
almost intolerable way... it hurt like hell. But it was for the best. After all, there was nothing he could do now.
"Clarice," he buzzed his secretary.
Niles tried to rid himself of these thoughts, but the feeling was still there. He missed her. He was still in love with Daphne Moon and not with Mel Karnovsky.
"Clarice?" He buzzed her again. "Are you there?"
"What do you want?" The voice that came from the machine was indeed Clarice's, but her normally warm tone was different. This time it was as rough and cold.
"Could you please bring me a cup of coffee?" he asked.
"Why don't you get it yourself?" Clarice replied harshly. Niles shuddered, puzzled.
"Clarice, is something wrong?" he asked.
"Of course there is!" she said and hung up. He leaned back, wondering what was wrong with her. Then Clarice kicked the door open. She was holding a cup of coffee. Well, that's better, he thought, just before he saw the look in her eyes. She was looking at him with disgust.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked, pointing the chair in front of his desk.
"No, I just want to ask you a question."
"Go ahead."
"Why are you such a coward?" she asked.
"Excuse me?" he replied in shock.
"How could you let her get away?"
"I don't understand..."
"Daphne, you stupid snob....I am talking about Daphne....you can suffer in silence but you can't talk to her about your feelings?" Clarice shouted.
"I might ask you to mind your own business," Niles stated. "And... anyway, how you did you know about that?" He was starting to get angry. "Did my brother tell you?"
"I have eyes, haven't I?" she said.
"I am not discussing this with you!" Niles raised his voice. Who did she think she was, talking to him like that? And about his personal life? "Now, please leave, or... "
"Or what?" Clarice said forcefully. "What are you gonna do about it?" Was this a challenge? Niles didn't know, but he did know that he was getting angry. And puzzled. How could she know about Daphne?
"Are you gonna make me quit? Are you gonna fire me?" she laughed, heartily. "You haven't the guts to confront anybody." Clarice pointed at him. "Look at you... you let Daphne get away, and with your stupid divorce lawyer! Because you always chicken out! You and your fear of rejection!"
That was enough.
Niles leaped up from his chair and hurried out, followed by Clarice.
"Yes, that's it, run away like you always do... never fight back!" she was saying when he closed the door behind him. "Coward!"
The people in the hallway looked at him with disdain. Niles walked down toward the elevator... he needed to get out of there. Clarice's behavior and her knowledge of his feelings for Daphne were unsettling. Was he that transparent? He hadn't thought so; he had managed to fool everybody, including Daphne, for six years. Until Roz found out, thanks to his father's indiscreet comments. Donny didn't know either. Even the slick divorce lawyer was blind to the love Niles felt for his wife...
He needed coffee.
And he knew the perfect spot for that, his sanctuary. Café Nervosa. There, among strangers, he could find a little space to take another look at his life. On his way to the basement parking lot he thought about the many times he had coffee with her. All those times he had thought that she felt very comfortable with him, and why not? He was, in her own words, her best friend. He learned to settle for the little attention she gave him. Countless times he had offered her a ride home, always greeted with that beautiful smile of hers, even when her answer was `No, thanks'. So many times her scent, the soul of the person within touched him in incredible ways, filling his being, first with affection, and then love.
He really hoped he wouldn't run into anyone at the Café. He was not in the mood for another lecture. That brought his mind back to Clarice's behavior... somehow, he sensed that she wanted him to tell Daphne about his feelings. "What a weird thing that would be, now." he muttered, but... his need to see Daphne was becoming stronger. It would not be difficult. All he would need to do would be to show up at his brother's at 3 o'clock, the time of his father's therapy session.
No, damn it!....she does not love....SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME!
He opened his car door and got into the driver's seat. No, he couldn't see her...`Mrs. Donny Douglas'! No way in hell did he want that. He knew that the only thing which would come from that would be more pain. It was for the best to discard that idea and keep a safe distance.
Niles drove his Mercedes down the exit ramp. It was now pouring out, a torrential Friday afternoon. The streets were full of traffic, the usual consequence of rain. The wipers, at full speed, could barely manage the vast amount of water that poured from the sky. I hope there's a place to park, he thought.
He was lucky and found a space.
The café was packed with people, but he spotted a free table and took it, leaving his coat on the rack.
A waiter came and he asked for a latte. As the waiter went off Niles looked toward the door. What if she shows up here? Well, I could probably make some excuse and leave quickly. That was what he decided do if she were to walk into the café.
Oh, who are you trying to fool? he asked himself. If she does show up I will smile at her and thank God for his benevolence with this insignificant mortal. Then I will try to keep her here as long as possible. If that should happen, I might be able to live on for a few more days.
Niles didn't want to admit it, but there was a force in his mind which made him think about her at the slightest provocation. As he waited for his latte that force dragged him deeper into thoughts of her. He tried to fight it. He tried to think about Mel but it was useless. Daphne always won the battle for his thoughts. It didn't matter that he was sure that she didn't love him, his dreams of a perfect world were not dampened by reality... it was destructive... but it was the best he could expect from Daphne... a daydream...
Words crept into his mind, words from a long time ago. Spoken during a tango. "Daphne, I adore you!" "I adore you, too!" Her eyes are locked with his and he is totally shocked. "What?!" "I adore you too!" Words of `acting'. He sighed at the memory. Acting? No. He had poured his heart out to her and she'd had no idea. Then...another memory came to him... one of a hot summer night when an angel had appeared at his door, asking for sanctuary for the night...God, he had come so close!
Go look for her! his heart demanded. NO! his mind shouted back.
He returned from his dreams at the precise moment a waitress came with his latte.
"Well, look who's here." Kit placed the cup in front of him. Niles looked up. "The little coward!"
The people at the surrounding tables stopped to look at him. They shot nasty glances at him; some of them leaned in to whisper. Niles felt his anger returning.
"Kit," he warned. "What is this?"
"Look here!" Kit said, speaking now to the crowd in the café. "This man over here is a coward. He loved a woman deeply and tried to get over her using by anyone he could." She looked at Niles defiantly. "Including me! And he never told that Daphne Moon how he felt about her!" The people began to laugh. "He spent 6 years in silence and finally let her get away with his divorce lawyer!" The laughter increased. Niles's face was red. He looked down, getting angrier by the second. "Wow, that is so pathetic!!!"
"Why are you doing this?" Niles demanded. "Why!?"
"Because you're so lame!" The people were still laughing. "You always run away! Look at you, Mr. Ph. D.!! You went from me to... whats her name? ...Mel! Your ex-wife's plastic surgeon!" Niles looked around, mortified, as the people pointed at him, still laughing. "And you are still running away from your feelings because you don't want to face what she really feels for you."
"Enough!" Niles rose, ready to hit someone. "You don't have any right to treat me like this!"
"I was a short term fling, Niles, and I deserved better... not to be used because you couldn't have the woman you wanted!"
That was true...
"Kit, this is unfair!"
"Get out of here, Niles Crane!" she ordered. The patrons' laughter was deafening.
"Why are you talking to me like this?!" he asked. "How can you know about my life?" He was getting frantic. "Who gave you the right to probe into my life anyway?!!!"
"You never set boundaries, Niles..we were free agents, remember?" she said, mockingly.
"Now leave!"
Niles spun around and stormed out. Only three steps out of the door he stopped and looked back. The people were chatting away normally and Kit was nowhere in sight. Everything was as it should be again.
Niles was breathing fast. He was upset and confused. He walked to his car and tried to open the door. Of course it was locked, so he searched his pockets for his keys, but they were not there. The rain was coming down hard, and he really didn't want to go back to the Café to look for them.
"Hello."
The voice startled him and made him turn around. He saw a little girl protected from the rain by a black parka. She was twelve, thirteen perhaps, and her voice was kind and soft with a familiar accent, like that of a dear friend...
"Hello." he said dryly. "What can I do for you, miss?"
"Having a bad day?" the girl asked. Niles just shrugged his shoulders.
"How would you know about that?" he asked. "Did you hear those people back there?"
"No," she said quietly. "But I know things."
"Don't tell me you are psychic!" Niles exclaimed. The memory of Daphne's declarations of psychic powers deepened his depression.
"No." The girl shook her head, and her brown eyes and blonde hair tied in a pony tail were clearly visible when the hood of her parka fell back ."Please, don't be sad!" she pleaded.
"I am not." he lied.
"Remember your nose, it'll bleed!" she replied. "It always does when you lie, you know."
Niles breathed deeply, trying to to regain composure. This girl had a point there, but... wait, how did she know that?
"Have we met before?"
"No." she confessed. "My name is Hester, but you can call me Hess."
Another image appeared to Niles.
"That is a lovely name. My... my..."
"Yes, I know, that was your mother's name," Hess said softly.
Niles folded his arms. "I am Dr. Crane," he said. "How can you possibly know these things?"
"I just know," Hester said. "And Dr. Crane sounds so formal. Could I call you Niles?"
Niles jolted back, slamming into his car. He had not told Hess his first name.
"Are you with your parents?" He needed to know more about this child.
"Not yet," was her answer. "I was just taking a walk in the rain, which happens to like me a lot."
For the second time in less than a minute, Daphne's face came to his eyes. She liked to walk in the rain.
"But I don't," Niles said, thinking out loud.
Hester giggled. "I know." She showed him a key ring, his key ring. "That's why you'll need this."
"Oh, thank you. It must have fallen from my pocket," he sighed, taking it from her.
"Are you leaving?"
"Yeah," he said, now a little more relaxed. "I guess I'll go home ..." He selected the correct key and opened the door. "Well, Hess, I..." he began, but when she turned around she was gone.
Niles shrugged his shoulders and got into the car.
* * *
With no memory of having driven home, Niles found himself seated at the dinner table. Across from him Mel was finishing her meal, a dinner he had already finished but didn't remember eating. A glass of wine was in his right hand... champagne?...sherry?...he didn't know... an aria played softly on the CD.
"Is something wrong, Niles?" Mel's voice snapped him back to reality.
"I was just... listening to that incredible aria," he said, trying to gain precious seconds to remember what they had been talking about.
"Yanni's `Aria'?" Mel looked at him, frowning. "I find that aria tasteless; we just discussed that."
"Oh, yes, yes..." he sipped his wine...it was champagne. "My mind drifted," he admitted. "How was your dinner?"
"Excellent, thank you," she smiled. Niles returned the gesture but she saw something was wrong. "Are you sick or something?"
"Me?"
"No, the Pope," she laughed. Niles just chuckled. "Of course, you."
"I am fine." He rose from his chair. "More wine?"
"Yes, please." He walked to the wine rack in the kitchen. She followed him and she hugged him.
"I know what will make you feel better."
"And that would be?" he said, and let her kiss him.
When the kiss broke, Mel returned to the living room. He selected one of the wine bottles and placed it on the kitchen table. He stood there, thinking. The events of that day, including Hester, were spinning in his mind but lacking explanation. Oh, how he would like to turn off the psychiatrist in him at will, but that was impossible. When he had a problem he had to find the rational explanation; it was automatic.
Mel called him from the living room. Niles hurried to open the bottle and walked out of the kitchen. Mel was by the fireplace, looking with interest at a certain object on the mantle. It was a wooden dragon, Roz's thank you gift. He had placed the ugly statue there with the intention of tossing it into the fire one day... by accident, of course.
"What an horrible statue," she said. "So tasteless!!"
"My brother's producer, Roz, gave it to me as a thank you gift for a small favour I did for her."
"You didn't go on a date with her, did you?" she asked, laughing.
"God forbid!" Niles said, smiling weakly.
"For a moment I thought it was a gift from that therapist of your father's..." she tried to remember the name. "Dulcey?"
"Daphne." The correction was automatic and quick. "Her name is Daphne."
"Oh, yes," Mel said."Taking into account her background, this statue is a likely gift she would choose." She laughed, but Niles remained silent. "What's wrong?"
"You are have no respect for the people I care about." He folded his arms.
"You care about that servant?" Mel was shocked.
"She is not a servant, Mel. And she is a very good friend... she is warm... funny....she is always there to help...she is...she is..." Niles stopped. He had been about to blurt it all out.
Mel was getting angry. "You really care for her," she said dryily.
"I told you, she is my friend."
"And I am supposed to be more than that!"
"You are, Mel," Niles said. "But..." Sigh. "She helped me a lot when I was divorcing Maris... she was always there for me when I needed somebody to talk to... and she wanted nothing in return." Another sigh. "And to hear you talk about her that way makes me very upset."
Mel came to him and took one of his hands.
"I am sorry," she said, hugging him. "I will keep that in mind."
Niles felt her arms around him and couldn't help but feel guilty.
"Something really odd happened to me today," he said, trying to change the subject.
Mel broke the hug and walked to the fainting couch, sitting.
"Tell me about it."
"Clarice, my secretary, acted really strangely today, she was ..." he searched for the right words, "quite cross with me."
"How peculiar." Mel sipped her wine.
"Yes, that's not at all like her." He decided not to tell her about Kit. That might lead the conversation back to to Daphne.
Daphne, Daphne...why is it always about Daphne? he though dejectedly. How can I ever get over her? He looked at Mel, who smiled at him tenderly, making feel even more guilty.
He decided he had to try to fall in love with Mel Karnovsky.
***
Somebody was knocking at the door.
Niles found himself in his bathroom in front of the mirror, with no memory of the previous night after that last decision. He didn't know if Mel was still there or not, all he knew was that it was morning. He was in his bathroom, dressed and groomed, and somebody was knocking, now harder, at the front door.
"Isn't it a bit early for visitors?" he mumbled as he walked down the stairs. "Coming!" he shouted as the door was pounded again. "Who could this be?"
It was his brother. Frasier walked in, looking at him seriously..
"Frasier," Niles said in surprise; his brother just nodded. "What's going on? You almost knocked the door down."
"I have to talk to you, Niles." Frasier was hanging up his coat, which meant he was planning to stay for a while.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you must have called. I haven't checked my machine in a few days. What is this about?" Niles tried to guess what was on his brother's mind. He knew him very well and there was defintely something bothering him. Had he done something?...Niles tried to review the last few days, but they were all a blur.
"It's about you," his brother said gravely.
Niles rolled his eyes as he walked toward the kitchen.
"Oh, Lord. What is it this time?" he asked. He didn't need a `brotherly lecture' first thing in the morning.
"I was wondering what you are going to do about..." his brother began. And then he knew what would come next. Daphne again. He held up his palm to stop him his brother.
"I won't tell Daphne how I feel, Frasier," he said, defeated. "I know it is a little crush. I know she is married ... I know you always tried to help me get over this, and..."
Frasier slapped him. The shock silenced him at once. His cheek was burning and his eyes and mouth were open in shock.
"So, take that!" His big brother had just hit him and was looking at him defiantly. Niles' confusion was total. "For the past 6 years I have stood by and watched you run away from everything... why don't you ever fight back!!!??"
"You...you hit me!" Niles said. Frasier slapped him again.
"Yes, I did. Come on, Niles. Show me what you're made of." Frasier loomed over him. Niles held him off with his hands. "Let out your feelings!! Fight back!!!"
"Frasier, get out of here!" Niles demanded. "You have no right ...!" He spoke calmly, but his heart was sinking progressivily into dejection and confusion. What would cause Frasier to be that angry with him?
"I won't, not until you quit acting like a sissy!" Frasier grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into the living room. "Come on, man, don't just let things happen!!!"
Niles fought back but it was useless. Frasier was strong enough to handle him easily. He found himself being thrown to the fainting couch like a marionette. He waved his arms frantically. Frasier chuckled, amused.
"Stop it, Frasier!" Niles yelled, now really scared. He knew his brother but never had thought him capable of doing something like this. "Stop it right now!"
"What are you going to do about it?" Frasier demanded. "Tell me, Niles!"
"Is this really about Daphne?" Niles wanted to know, scrambling to his feet.
"Why didn't you just do what you should have?!" Frasier asked, throwing hands out, his face still a mask of fury. "Why did you always wait for my advice?"
"Because I..."
"Because you wanted somebody to blame!" Frasier interrupted. "You needed to use me as an excuse for your lack of courage!!"
"That's not true!!" Niles yelled, now furious. "That is not true!!"
Frasier laughed, pointing at him.
"All right, then." Frasier's laughter stopped. "Then why she is married to someone else?"
"Because it was her decision!" Niles exclaimed. "Do you seriously think my feelings would have made a difference?! Do you really think I would risk losing her friendship for the sake of an impossible love?! Answer me, Frasier," he demanded. "Answer me!"
His brother folded his arms.
"Then you are saying that my advice was correct?!"
"I..." That was a good question...Why did his brother's advice mean so much to him? How many chances did he waste listening to the advice of Frasier Crane? A hundred?...a thousand?...He didn't know. All he knew now was that Frasier was part of his problem with Daphne. "I have to get out of here!" he said, spinning around.
"See?" Frasier sat on the fainting couch as Niles walked out. "You always run away!!!"
Niles slammed the door behind him. Tears of rage were flowing down his cheek. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt dizzy. He needed some air.
He walked briskly down the hallway, escaping from the overwhelming presence of his brother. He was indeed running away, just as Frasier had said.
When he finally reached the street he was exhausted, but he couldn't go back to his apartment. He wanted to lose himself in the city, to just disappear. Niles glanced at the people around him, an endless parade of strangers.
He wanted to scream out his dejection and sadness, to admit to the world what a coward he was. But he didn't. He just walked to the nearest bench and collapsed. Luckily it was hidden from view by a tall tree and a fountain. It seemed a world apart.
Niles looked down, trying to control himself, when something appeared before his eyes. It was . . . an ice cream cone, held by a small hand. He looked up and saw Hester.
"Take this..." she said, sadly. "It helps."
He didn't know what to say and just took it.
"Don't feel bad..." she said. "Your brother loves you, he didn't mean to hurt you."
Niles looked hard at the girl. How she could know all that she did?
"How do you ...?" he began, the ice cream in his hand, but then changed the question. "How did you know I was here?"
"Let's just say it's my job." Hester patted his shoulder. "Go ahead," she smiled. "Give it a try."
Niles obeyed..it was...strawberry ...his favorite.
"Don't worry about all of them." Hester's brown eyes were fixed on his. "They will eventually be happy for you..." She leaned in close to him, like if she wanted to tell him a secret. "If you make the right decision..."
With her so close the familiar aroma startled him. It was in her hair and unmistakable... it was Daphne's favorite shampoo... cherry bark and almonds... who was this girl, anyway?
"Right decision?" he asked.
"You have to look for Daphne," she stated. Niles drew back.
"Daphne?"
"Yes." Hester smiled.
"There's nothing I can do about her," he said surrending to the fact that Hester knew a lot of things about him when he knew nothing about her. "I've got to get over her."
"You do love her, don't you?"
"I suppose you know the answer to that," Niles said. Hester nodded. "And it seems everyone else does, too."
"Look for her!" Hester said pleadingly.
"I can't. She is married now." He stared at the ice cream. He wanted to know how she knew about him, and about Daphne. How much did the girl know about Daphne, anyway? He wanted to know how she was. Was she happy? Or did she miss him? Perhaps Hester knew.
"Hester ...I.." But she was gone.
Niles leaped up from the bench and looked around. The street was empty. There were no cars, no people around, just himself. Lord, what was happening? How could a little girl just vanish? The ice cream cone was still there, so Hester couldn't have been a figment of his imagination.
He sat again on the bench, confused. He tried to find a rational explanation for the last few minutes. Then something landed in his lap.
It was a scarf, a light blue one.
Daphne's favorite.
Get a grip, Niles.
Niles sniffed the scarf. It was Daphne's, the scent was unmistakable. And it seemed to be filled with her essence. There was no mistake, no matter how many women used the same perfume.
Niles, pull yourself together.
Suddenly he was getting into to his car. He placed the scarf on the passenger seat and started the engine. He had no idea where to go, but he wanted to get away. Maybe he would, for a few days. His lake front cottage would be a good idea, he was sure. It was far from here and nobody would find him. The solitude might help him figure out what had been happening the last few days.
A red light forced him to stop in front of the entrance to a public park. A crowd of children passed in front of his car, led by a group of parents who were chatting away. Niles studied their faces; they all seemed so happy. He followed them with his eyes as they walked into the park until an old Ford station wagon stopped at his left.
The car was a wreck. It billowed smoke from the old engine. It had scratched paint and looked most uncomfortable. At the wheel was a young woman who smiled at him. He realized that it was the second kind gesture he had seen that day, the first being Hester's. No . . . Niles paid closer attention and found that she was not smiling at him. She was smiling at the person next to her.
A little blonde head appeared at the windows edge. It was a baby, a boy, perhaps a year old. He crept upward until he was able to look out the window. His blue eyes landed on Niles. The baby giggled, making Niles chuckle. The woman stroked his hair.
"Say hi to the man," she said to her son. "Wave to him, Stephen."
Stephen waved his little hand at Niles, who returned the gesture, smiling gently. The mother made him return to his seat when the light turned green. Then Stephen and the station wagon were gone, leaving Niles still waving. A bus began honking behind his Mercedes, making him step on the gas.
The image of Daphne holding a baby returned to him. This time it was late at night. She was walking down to the living room of the Montana with what was apparently their baby. She didn't want to wake Niles. He watched her sit on the fainting couch. The lights were dim and soft music came from the CD player.He was on the stairscase, watching the magic that bonds mother and child. He was looking at the love of his life as she whispered to their child....suddenly...she looked up and caught his eye.
"I didn't want to wake you," she said. "But since you're up...do you want to join us?"
"How can I refuse?" Niles whispered to the air. He was still gripping the steering wheel. "How can I refuse that?"
"How can you refuse what?" asked a voice from the passenger seat.
Niles shuddered, pressing on the brake, and looked for the source of the voice. It was Mel. Thanks to the seat belt he was not catapulted through the windshield.
"What's going on, Niles?" she asked. He was breathing rapidly, looking at her in complete shock. "Niles?"
"How you did you get in here?" he managed to ask. "When did you get into the car?"
Mel looked exasperated.
"You picked me up 20 minutes ago, don't you remember? Niles, are you feeling all right?" she asked. "Do you have fever?" She touched his forehead.
"Mel, I..." He was going to pieces right there. Maybe he had a case of schizophrenia or memory loss. Maybe he was trapped in some sort of labyrinth. Or... he was simply going crazy. "You startled me," he said, trying to compose himself. After all, Mel seemed truly worried about him.
"And that's why you stopped short in the middle of the street?" Passers by began to stop and look inside. "Oh, God we're attracting a crowd." Niles forced a smile and stepped on the gas. "Niles, maybe you should see a doctor."
"No, It's ok," he said. "I am fine, really."
Niles was a bit ashamed, thinking about another woman. A forbidden woman, but still, the one he loved. Oh, the hell with her! SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME!..can I ever rid myself of these thoughts??
The car cell phone rang.
Niles looked at the caller ID and his heart skipped a beat. It said `D.Douglas'. Daphne's new home. Ha! he thought, new home... he wanted to throw the phone out the window when it rang again. Mel glanced at the phone and then at Niles...maybe she wondered if he wanted to answer it.
Did he want to?
Niles wasn't sure... maybe it would be for the best if he just...
RING!!!!...RING!!!..RING!!!
Mel reached for the phone and pressed the speaker button. He hadn't had time to stop her.
"Hello?" It was a male voice... "Niles?" Donny. What could he want?
"Yes," he said into the mic, trying to act casual. Mel kept her eyes on him.
Do not ask for her...DO NOT ASK FOR HER!! Since it is Donny on the line, that means she does not want to talk to me.
Quickly.
"Yes, Mr. Douglas, what can I do for you?" he asked.
"Hey, tiger! Cut the formality!" Donny said with his normal good humor. "After all, we are practically family now."
Niles felt dizzy.
"Hey, Donny, I want to thank you for the divorce files you sent over yesterday," Mel said. Niles looked at her. Divorce files....what divorce files?.....yesterday???...what day is today anyway? "I tossed them into the fire just to feel better."
"I bet you did, Mel!" Donny and Mel laughed. Niles stopped at a red light. "Listen, Niles, Daphne asked me to remind you that you promised to have dinner with us after the wedding, so I'm calling to set a date."
Niles looked at the phone in dread. Was she the one who wanted to set the date? Did she want to see him?
"Dinner!" Mel exclaimed. "That sounds lovely, Donny..what about Friday?"
"I will check with Daphne when she wakes up....we've been..., you know...spending a lot of time in the `boudoir'. But Friday sounds good to me!"
The allusion to their sex life made him clench his fists. That was one subject he really didn't want to hear about.
"Of course, I have to check my agenda." Niles tried to regain his composure. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"Excellent! Have a good day, you two. Don't do anything we wouldn't do!! " Donny hung up.
"Donny and Daphne make a lovely couple, don't you think?"
Niles could do nothing but grunt. What are you feeling now, Dr. Niles Crane?...are you trying to escape from love?....are you doing this for your own good?...maybe it is for Mel's own good. After all, she didn't deserve to be lead on, but the reality was that everything was out of control...all the events of the past few days...the little girl...Daphne...Mel...Frasier...everybody.
Mel was caressing his shoulder, looking at him lovingly. What if he were to look for sanctuary in her? What if she really wanted to marry him? Maybe Mel Karnovsky was the right one for him. What if Daphne Moon was only an fantasy?...yeah, sure, a 6 year fantasy....yeah, right.
How has this all started? he thought. How can I have loved her in silence, happy to be just an observer and not a participant? Why did I allow it to continue? Simple. I saw no hope of winning her. Of course, there were times when I could have sworn that she loved me, occasions when our friendship was proven to be indestructible. But there were also times when I heard awful words of rejection from her as well. The time Donny hung up the phone and said that Maris' lawyers were claiming "alienation of affection" based on the suspicion that Niles was in love with another woman, that woman being Daphne. And what did she say about that?.... "Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?" A thorn in his heart...and the worst part was that Daphne had no idea how that had hurt. She was innocent. She always has been.
Innocent.
What kind of innocence was that?, he thought, now irritated. Was she blind? Couldn't she see how he looked at her? Didn't she notice how much he liked to be with her? Couldn't she read between the lines? He was always there for her when she asked for help. He had waited for Daphne to find out how much he loved her. And now look where he was. In a relationship he didn't want, entered into for the sole purpose of getting over her. With another person who was innocent. He was the guilty one here.
Mel was innocent because she, just like Daphne, didn't know a thing about his true feelings. Look at the behavior of the other people around him now. Mel was the only person who gave him a sincere smile instead of a slap. What would happen if she found out how much I love Daphne? How would she react if she found out that she means nothing compared to the British goddess?
This was reality.
Reality hurts, of course. Especially when it is of our own creation, in spite of what we want. The decisions he had made drove him from his dream. But no matter how much it hurt, he had to get out of the deep well he was in. He had to climb out or he'd drown.
Forget about Daphne, his psychiatrist mind said, remember that SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Remember that she is married and happy now. Remember that self destruction will solve nothing.
He nodded in silence.
***
Niles stepped out the door of his office building. He looked up at the clouds forming over Seattle's evening sky. It was going to rain in a matter of minutes. He didn't want to go home, not yet. He didn't want to be there alone because he knew how much he would miss Daphne. That was not part of his plan for healing. He had to avoid any contact with her. He would make some excuse about the dinner. He needed to avoid any place she might be. His brother's apartment was #1 on that list. Not that he had any desire to see Frasier just now, after what his brother had done. Now he had to do everything in his power to fall in love with Mel. He was mulling this over when a familiar shape hobbled toward him.
Dad!
He stopped short.
What if Dad was angry with him too?.
The question made him take a step back. Maybe he should go back inside. Too late; Martin was hobbling in his direction.
"Hello, son," he said flatly. "Take a walk with me." It was not an invitation.
"Sure, Dad" Niles said with a weak smile.
The two men walked down the street in silence for about two hundred yards, Niles just waiting and Martin just walking. Niles was getting more nervous. A clap of thinder broke, making him tremble. His father didn't react.
"Son, I want you to know that I respect your decision," his father said and looked at him, sadly.
"I know how much you loved Daphne."
Niles' heart skipped a beat.
"I still love her," he admitted as they passed a flower shop. "But this is not a matter of love...it is a matter of common sense."
Martin sighed. Niles noticed a couple walking in front of them. They were chatting happily and laughing, and pinching each other at odd intervals. The man hugged her and she looked at him fondly.
"I care about you, son," Martin said. "I really do....and I admire the effort you're making to get over her."
"Thank you, Dad." Niles smiled, feeling a bit relieved.
"I asked Frasier to step aside..." his father sighed, his face an inscrutable mask. "He had no right
to act like he did."
"Let's just not talk about it." Niles said, shrugging his shoulders.
Suddenly Martin grabbed his son's arm and turned him to face him. His expression changed from sympathetic to furious. His eyes burned into his son's. Niles became frightened, trying to step back, but his father's grip was strong...and was starting to hurt him.
"Dad..." he gasped.
"Aren't you gonna face it?" Martin cried. "Are you gonna just let it slip away?"
"What...what can I do?" he tried to regain his composure.
"Fight back!" he yelled. The people around them paused to look at the two men arguing on the sidewalk. "Go over there and tell your brother that you have your own life, that your decision counts!!"
"I think he knows that," he replied. His father shook him by the shoulders.
"Don't let people walk all over you!!!" Martin said loudly. "Fight for the things you really want!!"
"You want me to fight with my own brother?" he asked, trying unsuccesfully to escape his father's grip .
"No." Martin shook his head. "I want you to quit being a sissy who just lets people take whatever they want from you."
"You're not talking about Frasier anymore, are you?" he said.
"I mean generally." His father finally let go. Niles rubbed his arm. "Wake up, Niles .... if you want your brother's respect... there is no other way to obtain it but to fight!" Niles looked down. He suspected what would be next. "And about Daphne," his father started, poking him in the chest. "You had all the time in the world to tell her, and you never did!! Geez, Niles....how could you let her go like that?"
"She does not love me," he said quietly, the tension draining from him. "Pure and simple."
People were surrounding them, some chuckling.
"How can you know that?" his father gave him a shove. "You never dared to ask!"
"She never..."
Another shove, this one stronger. Niles stepped back, unable to do anything against his father.
"She never what?!" Martin was frustrated. "You let her get away....you suffered in silence for 6 years for nothing....to wind up in a relationship you don't care a whit about..."
"I do." he claimed. "I care about Mel."
"You see an escape in her." Martin threw his hands up. "And that's all. You love Daphne and all you can do about it is cheat on another woman."
Niles grimaced.
"I am not cheating on Mel," he replied.
"Yes, you are," his father said. "By not being honest with her."
Niles had to get away. He turned around, intending to try to break through the newly formed crowd.
"I've had enough!" he yelled. "I'll see you later, Dad, good night."
The human barricade made him stop; laughing faces made him step back into the circle.
"What... running away again?" Martin asked, half sarcastic.
"Ok. If this is what you want...." Niles faced him. "I love Daphne, yes...I can't picture a life without her but she is gone now...how can I talk to her about my love when she is married to someone else?"
Tears began to roll down his cheeks. Unable him to stop them, he just looked down, ashamed. The crowd's laughter got louder.
"Look for her, son...." his father said paternally. He hobbled away into the crowd. "Fight back even if you lose...fight for the one you love.."
Niles stood in place, looking down, unable to move. He wondered if the people would let him get away. They were all still there, surrounding him and laughing.
"Leave him alone!" an stern voice yelled.
A soft hand took his right hand. He looked up to find Hester scolding the crowd. When did she arrive?
"Leave him alone!" she ordered again. The crowd fell silent. "Don't you see what you are doing to this man?!"
The crowd began to disburse, slowly. Niles was surprised at how they all obeyed the child's order. In no time the two of them were alone in the street. No cars, no people, just them...and the incoming storm.
"Hester..." Niles said, and she looked at him, squeezing his hand gently. "What are you doing here?"
Her eyes met his... brown on blue...blue on brown...those eyes...so familiar...Daphne's. This thought made him tremble. He didn't want to let go of her hand. The soft touch made him feel secure...and...the scarf she was wearing...it was the scarf he recognized as Daphne's.
Niles was astonished. Hester's eyes drifted as she pulled his arm to walk.
Who was this little girl? And why did she keep showing up right after unpleasant confrontations? He needed some answers...
Niles followed her through the empty streets. A strong wind was a prelude to the incoming storm.
"Hester," He tried to make her stop but she just kept walking. "Hester, I need to know who you are."
She smiled.
"I am Hester..." she said. "Hess, remember?"
There was an awkward silence as she dragged him to a nearby park. There was a Chinese Portal at the entrance. A tall group of trees lined the path. The park was dark, too dark for a little girl...
"Whare are we going?" Niles wanted to stop..but found that he couldn't.
"I want to show you something," was the answer.
She led him down the path. There were people on the benches, but it was too dark to see who they were. Niles was afraid but also puzzled. Hester didn't seem to be afraid of anything, she just walked deeper into the park.
"That's Daphne's scarf...isn't it?" Niles asked, determined to get the answer to who..or what...the child was.
"It is..." She admitted. "But please don't tell her...she hates it when I take it. She might get mad." Hester giggled.
Niles arched an eyebrow...and this time he was able to stop.
"How can she possibly be mad at you?" Niles asked, kneeling to be at her face level. "Does she know you? Are you Donny's relative or something?" he continued.
"Look at me, Niles," she said, her eyes on his again....Daphne's eyes glowing into the night.... "You know I am not Donny's relative..."
Her voice...the accent...British.....Niles sat on the cold pavement. Hester was right there...within his reach...looking at him with those beautiful brown eyes...
"Daphne..." she started.
The name pierced his heart.
"You have to go find her..."
Niles voice was shaky.
"Who are you?" he asked. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"You don't have anything to be afraid of." Hester extended her arm to touch him but he leaned back to avoid the contact...he was not sure what was happening...."Hester is here..." she said.
"Why do you keep showing up like this?" He threw up his hands "How do you know about Daphne!!?...how do you know about me??"
"I know things...I told you." She took his hand and squeezed it warmly. "Please, Niles...fight back....go find her....please...I don't have much time." Her voice was a painful plea, the plea of a desperate child on a stormy night...a girl with Daphne's eyes...eyes now menaced by tears.
"She is married!" he yelled. "SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME"
She looked at him fondly.
"Fight back," she repeated. "Please?" Niles stood up, Hester still holding his hand. "Please? For me?"
Niles didn't know how to answer; no words came to his mouth.
"I have to go now. They're calling me..." Hester began to step back...slowly fading into the night...and Niles was unable to stop her...
"Hester!" He didn't want her to leave him there, so he began to walk in the direction of her dispparearance.
At that moment the entire park was flooded with light. Niles covered his eyes to protect them from the glow..a moment after..when his eyes focused again..he found himself face to face with a mouth full of sharp teeth.
He screamed and jumped back....there in front of him, a ferocious wooden dragon was looking at him, ready to attack.
It was a huge statue of a Chinese dragon. The base was high but the dragon was leaned to its side, its mouth open in attack mode. It was familiar...yes..it was the same one Roz had given him, but this one... this one was much bigger.
And Hester was gone again.
***
What are you doing?
Hey, listen up, I am talking to you!!
Hello? Is anybody out there?
Niles covered his ears and walked directly to his office. The voice inside his head was demanding his attention but he didn't want to listen. He wanted to be alone for a while, away from everyone, including his `inner psychiatrist'. After all, he was the one who controlled his thoughts, he was the one responsible for his decisions and...
Hey, you cannot hide from me...remember, you cannot be alone, you need me!
..and he was the one with no explanation for all of this. He fought to regain control of himself. He wanted to think like a man and not a professional. To think with his heart. The brain can be cold and objective but the heart does not always obey what the brain commands. This was one of those times.
Niles locked the door and went over to the sofa. And prepared for the battle, the battle between love and reason...
Daphne..Daphne...Daphne...
It's all about her...Clarice, Kit, Frasier, Dad, every one of them wanted him to be brave and to fight for her, and what had he said about it?..
SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME!
Thank you..yes. You've said that...over and over, and every time I almost accepted it. Hester appeared to comfort me and encourage me to find her. She wants what the others are urging me to do. But she was the only one who never argued with me. She was there to help me..but...weren't the others trying to do the same thing?
Niles leaned back and the voice inside his head began again.
They all tried very hard to confront you with your fear of rejection but..BUT..they do not know how she feels. She is married and happy and you've always known that she can't love you. It has been proven through the years. You have plenty of evidence of that.
"But what about the times I felt she had feelings for me?" he asked out loud. From deep in his mind, an idea emerged...he wanted to know why the voice was trying to keep him away from Daphne...
The answer came with no hesitation.
It was your hope. You hoped for her to love you, and when she showed sympathy for you or mere friendship you hoped it was more. Friendship was the only thing she offered you.
Niles nodded in silence; it was not as he wished, but he had to agree with the voice. The diagnosis was correct. After all, she was married to Donny and hadn't spoken to him in months now.
But wait...
Niles leaped from the couch and stood.
"Your diagnosis is based on speculations..and..."
No, it is not, she does not love you.
"AND...what was I expecting from her?...was I expecting her to fall into my arms at the first sight of me?"
You can't get close to her now, she is married...
"Yes, I know," Niles said. "But...she deserves to know."
What are you talking about? The voice was beginning to sound exasperated.
Niles rubbed his chin thoughtfully..
"I am saying that...the best way to get past unwanted emotions is to talk about them with the person involved...am I wrong?" he asked, now acting like the psychiatrist he was. This seemed to keep the voice quiet for a few seconds...Niles grinned. "Well?..." he teased.
But you'll get rejected! The voice panicked.
"I don't care anymore," Niles shrugged his shoulders. "I will look for her, and now." Niles pulled his cell phone out of his jacket and flipped it open.
No!!
The door was kicked open. Niles spun around to face whoever had done it and there stood....the voice...the person behind the voice...Dr. Niles Crane.
You hard-headed idiot!
In another circumstances Niles would have fainted dead away, but not this time. He wanted answers and there it was, the source of all the explanations he sought.
"I should have known it was you..."
You don't remember what PAIN is? Dr. Crane asked. Niles just shrugged. He remembered indeed, the lacerating pressure in his chest... sleepless nights....tears upon tears....happiness denied... You don't understand, do you?
Niles flipped the phone closed and placed it on his desk, then went to his chair and sat, staring at the doctor. Dr. Crane, in his impeccible Armani suit, stood in his place, looking at him coldly, defiantly. Niles just dismissed the look.
After all, he was talking to himself.
"I deserve the right to fight for Daphne!" he said plainly.
Don't be ridiculous!! Dr. Crane said pointing at him. You have always been smitten with her because she is...
" ..a warm, tender and caring woman, a beautiful angel, biologically engineered to bring happiness to all she meets?..."
Dr. Crane shook his head furiously.
To you she is the most dangerous woman in the world...remember, Niles, Maris hurt you a lot; she made fun of you and then simply dumped you like an empty can! And what did you think when you met Daphne?..hmm?...tell me, go ahead...!! he demanded.
"I handed her my heart..."
And got what in return?
"Pain" was the answer. But Niles knew what the doctor was up to; he wanted to regain control. He wanted to drag him back to objective analysis. But...this time, it wouldn't work. Thinking about what all the people had said, Frasier, Clarice, Martin... Niles came to a conclusion. They didn't want him to face Daphne. They all wanted him to face his own fears..and fight back!
Dr. Crane sat on the chair across the desk and clenched his fists.
Pain! he yelled. Pain and nothing else..she just went on with her life while you ...
Niles looked firmly at Dr. Crane.
"Why are you angry?" he asked.
Dr Crane leaned back, surprised by the calm in Niles' voice.
Angry?...me?
"You miss her too, don't you? You fail when you try not to think about her and that's why you hide behind `She does not love you.'" Niles leaned forward and saw fear in Dr. Crane's eyes.
I speak the truth! he insisted, getting up.
"Do you?" Niles leaned back again and folded his arms. "Extrapolation of feelings based on situations ..."
You know I am correct!!
"Maybe you are...but you're also afraid, and that's why you keep telling me this crap!!" Niles hit the desk."You don't want to be hurt and that's why you try to keep me away from her!!"
I am not afraid of anything! Dr Crane rose from his chair. She does not love you!!!
"You love her as much as I do!" Niles finally said. "Deny it!!!"
Dr Crane kept silent and walked back....it was obvious that he couldn't.
All right. Dr. Crane said, Go ahead, go over there and destroy us both!! Tell her how much she means to you and prepare to be hit by a cold shoulder! Then...it'll be my time to laugh!!
"Why are you doing this to us?" he asked. "Don't you deserve happiness?" Niles hoped it would work. Maybe if he could convince the doctor he could muster up the courage to talk to her.
I do. Dr. Crane said. As do you. But she made her decision....it is too late now... and it is my duty to keep pain away from you...
"Away from US." Niles corrected. "If I get hurt you do as well."
Dr. Crane nodded.You get my point! he said. Then if you understand this ..why do you keep thinking about her?..Why do you still want to give her your heart? All you'll get is rejection and you will lose her forever...
"I've lost her already!" Niles shouted. "Don't you see that? Why don't you just shut yourself off? Be an observer and let me, for once, fight my own battles. Yes, I'll lose, and then you can laugh all you want!" He paused. "I still think about her because I love her...because I have been running away from ..." he pointed at him. "I have been running away from you! You cannot simply turn my heart off!"
Dr. Crane turned around to leave.
OK. I understand...
Niles watched Dr. Crane leave and shut the door. Then the intensity of the conversation overcame him. He collapsed in his chair, closing his eyes. After a few moments of silence, the voice came inside his head, the voice of Dr. Crane.
Go to her, then...
There was a soft knock on the office door. Wearily, Niles got up and went to answer it...he was completely sure that, no matter what stood on the other side, nothing could surprise him anymore.
Hester was standing there, her parka glistening from the rain. She reached out her hand.
"I know where she is, Niles. And she wants to see you..."
***
Daphne sat bolt upright in bed, panting and sweating. The room was dark, but she could see the face of the clock on her nightstand. 4:20 a.m.
She looked around to get her bearings. She immediately realized that she was in her room in the Elliot Bay apartment.
She felt her left hand with her right. Only her engagement ring was there. There was no wedding band.
My God, what was that all about?
***
Niles sat at the edge of his bed. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he tried to stop hyperventilating. Shakily he turned on the bedside lamp and looked at the clock. 4:33 a.m.
He looked over at Mel. She was sound asleep.
He put on his robe, not bothering with slippers, and went down to his balcony.
Good Lord, what was that?
***
There would be no more sleep for either of them tonight.
End Part 2