Helen Brittas: Betrayal

What to do with Gordon Brittas? Now that's a question a girl could ask herself until she turned blue. I know it's not easy to work with Gordon, but to be married to him...? Ha, that's something else altogether. Why did I ever marry him? That's what I say when he's not around. When he is ... well, the same thing, mostly. But not always. Marriage does strange things to you.

It took me a while to realize the reality of Gordon. "Limited," that's what I told Pam. But it's so deceptive! It sneaks up on you. I suppose the truth is, blunt honesty isn't all it's cracked up to be. In the beginning, I used to love how Gordon would, without reserve or rancor, tell people exactly what was on his mind. It was extraordinary! Unfortunately, people aren't accustomed to hearing such things, and I was the only one amused. After a while, even I started to think of Gordon as extraordinary, but in a totally different way. Oh, I went through all your usual stages: depression, anger, denial, acceptance with just a hint of resentment. I went though bottles and pills. In the end it does precious little good - Gordon is Gordon, and he has this dream.

God, the dream. I hated it. I still hate it now, but not as much as I used to. I used to wish through long nights alone that he'd stop "helping," come home and warm up our bed - then, I only had the children to keep me company, and it was very lonely. It still is, but I've long since gotten over it. Simon warms the bed now, and that's good enough - better even.

It bothers me sometimes. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I am. I know that adultery is wrong, but it's certainly not bothering Gordon or the children, and I like to think that I'd be totally insane if I didn't have some refuge.... But still, it bothers me. In some strange way, I think that if the truth gets hurt, so does Gordon. And it's rather disconcerting, his total faith in me. No one has ever had total faith in me. After about two years married to Ryan, I used to feel guilty if I wasn't doing something to arouse his suspicions - and he was always suspicious. Now, it's gotten to the point where I want to provoke Gordon into being suspicious, into uncovering my doings.

I don't know why that is…. Rationally, of course, I don't want him to know. But for some reason, my heart has betrayed me. No surprise there.

Author's notes: I wanted to bookend "Too Much Of A Good Thing" by providing Helen's point of view. Unfortunately, I had only seen series 1, and then only once, so I didn't really know what she thought about her own infidelity. Eventually, after seeing series 1 again (and under the stress of an imminent Bush presidency), I began to write ... and I think that maybe Helen herself doesn't really know? She has to sort out her feelings, too. The ultimate inspiration, however, was picturing Helen's first husband. I pictured him to be surly and possessive - in other words, the Antibrittas. That really defined Helen for me. 'Course, that means my Helen is now based on something that I myself made up, so I hope I was close.