Title: Close, But Not Touching (3/9)
Disclaimer: I'll give them back once I remove the strings from their hands. Dance, puppets, dance!
Timeline: Confusing, I know - since they technically slept together after "Never Say Never," this pretty much happens in the following months.
Rating: If you made it this far without being offended, by all means, continue.
---------------------------------------------
**Deb**
Positive. The blonde, perky woman studied the screen carefully while I studied the ceiling tiles above my head. Positive. Positive. Positive. That was the only word ricocheting though my mind as my eyes skimmed over each ceiling tile. Positive. She was positive it was positive, Dr. Harmon here, and she also got a big laugh out of puns. I couldn't bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen, just in case the test was wrong . . . a woman's hopes could only be crushed so many times before they quit springing back.
"Ooh, I see the little guy," the woman suddenly told me, then added "Or girl." I nearly got whiplash as I turned to look at the screen. She pointed to a vague, blurry figure and smiled at me. "Looks like you're about 8 - 12 weeks along. Good size, too."
I nodded, my eyes transfixed on the tiny image on the screen. That nagging suspicion all these weeks had turned out to be more of a nagging intuition. I should have told John, I knew I should have, but something in my mind convinced me that he'd flip out over the news. Besides, the humiliation from that night so long ago still burned in my cheeks to this day. There had been a period of time when I'd been content never to see John Carter ever again, clothed or not. It was simply too embarrassing.
I'd become a recluse and started screening my calls. At one point I didn't leave the house for three days straight, from nothing but pure mortification and fear of seeing Carter somewhere. I'd wondered if he'd look at me the same way as before, or if he'd constantly be picturing me naked. I'd already lost my job; I didn't need to lose my best friend, as well.
It had taken me nearly a month to realize that pushing him away was the same as losing him, if not worse. But by then, he'd stopped calling and coming by. It had taken a lot of conscious effort to pull myself out the inevitable depression. I even made some phone calls, went to some job interviews, stepped out and felt the sunshine on my face.
And then the queasy familiarity of it all had set in. I'd felt like this before, the unsolicited depression (well, it was *partially* solicited, but still . . .), the nausea, the general disinterest with life. It scared me to death when the possibility of pregnancy had entered my mind.
The only thought had come to mind those few weeks ago was "Not again, please, not again . . ."
Yet I'd had had something of an epiphany a few nights ago, right after I'd made the appointment (and after immediately deciding to branch out to other hospitals for it). My first thought had been how ironically lucky it was that I didn't have a job so I could actually make the appointment for the middle of the day. That insight had opened an entire can of worms for me. Suddenly I had realized that being jobless could have been a blessing in disguise . . . perhaps someone was telling me that this time, it was all right to have a baby. Someone made the choice for me just when I was tired of choosing; someone had picked me up and plunked me down on a very different path, setting me forwards instead of in the circles I'd tread for so long.
In reality, that person had been Kerry, and I scowled to think about that. I preferred the romanticism of fate to the coincidence of unemployment.
My head had spinning for the last few days - but not like it had in the aftermath of sleeping with Carter. The idea of having the baby and keeping the baby sounded more and more appealing every time I thought about it. Maybe it was just my biological clock ticking away, maybe it was just the concept of companionship - hell, maybe it was just my excitement in being able to think about a decision I'd done right, instead of remembering the tangled mess my life had become ever since Michael. There had only been one major problem with even contemplating the decision.
Carter.
My innate feminism always nagged at me when I worried what Carter would think. I was too afraid to face him after we'd slept together; how was I going to stroll up to him and announce I was carrying his child? Part of me was tempted - very, very tempted - not to tell him a thing.
And then he'd showed up in the café, and my beautiful plan had gone to hell. I'd assumed I wouldn't see him again for a long time - long enough to make up a juicy lie about a one-night stand with a stranger. But damn him; damn him and those eyes . . . and his stupid persistent do-goodness. Ugh. Carter's frickin chivalry had stalked me and pulled the truth from right out under my feet. And I couldn't lie to him. Damn those eyes.
My excitement at actually finding out the test results had been drastically dampened by the snapshot my mind had made of John's expression. Pale yet flushed; incredulous and horrified; pleased but disapproving. And even now, as I watched the tiny figure on the screen, I couldn't even smile. I could raise this baby on my own - I'd have to ask my parents for help, but if push came to shove, I could be a single mother. That didn't matter in the long run, though. I would have wanted his approval even if the baby wasn't his. If it had been anyone else but Carter, I wouldn't give a shit . . .
Lord. First my family, now Carter. For such an independent person I tended to live or die from a lot of opinions.
"So, is this your first baby?" the irritating med student asked me, and I snapped back to reality. She'd probably been chattering this whole time and I'd been blissfully oblivious. Thank God for deep thinking.
But her ignorance posed an annoying question. "No," I murmured, not pulling my eyes away from the screen. I should be happy, I should be thrilled . . .
"Ooh, so someone's going to be a big brother or sister, huh?" she asked happily.
I looked at her plainly. "No."
This threw her off, and I morbidly enjoyed watching her struggle to keep the perky smile on her face. "Well, let's get you cleaned up," she responded cheerily, switching off the ultrasound. "Have you told your husband yet?"
I rolled my eyes. This girl was one big land mine.
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I spotted Carter through the window of the waiting room door and I knew he spotted me. By the time my hand reached the handle, he was out of his seat and halfway across the room.
"So? . . ." he asked anxiously as I stepped through the door. I wished I'd had some smart-ass reply for him, but I chickened out and stepped past him.
"No, Deb, you can't do this," he argued, following me out the door and down the hall. "Please, just tell me, yes or no . . ."
Every fear and sense of dread about this pregnancy translated into fury as I pressed the elevator arrow and glared at Carter. "I'm not asking you for anything here, Carter," I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. "I've already made my decision and I don't care what you say, or what you think about it, or what rights you think you have. I'm the one who's going to have the morning sickness, I'm the one who's going through all of the emotional shit, I'm the one who's going to buy the clothes and lunch boxes and graduation caps and gowns, I'm going to be the mother and I don't need any help from you or from anyone else. I know this is selfish, I know this is impractical, but it's my body, my baby and my decision!" I gritted my teeth as the elevator opened behind me. "So go back to your life and your job and I'll send you a postcard every once in a while."
Carter grabbed the elevator door before it could shut in front of me. "So, you *are* pregnant, then?"
I stared at him. "Yes, John, I'm pregnant," I sighed.
His expression slowly elapsed into a grin. "Really?"
I leaned against the back of the elevator tiredly. "I know what you're thinking," I muttered. "But I can do it. I've got it figured out. I've even -"
"I don't get a say in this?"
I held my breath sharply as the elevator beeped in disapproval. Carter stepped inside, and closing my eyes, I murmured "I guess you do, yeah . . ."
I felt Carter's arm on my shoulder - alarmed, I looked up at him. He was grinning like a goon. "I think it's great."
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I stared at the table, memorizing the shadow my tray cast on the white plastic, feeling John's stare burn into me. I'd been silent for what felt like minutes - glancing up at him, I simply answered "I don't know."
He sighed and took my hand across the table. "I would have been all right if you'd told me beforehand. I just want to know why you didn't think I'd be all right with it."
Self-consciously I glanced around the hospital cafeteria. It seemed so similar to County's, but Carter was the only one I recognized in the room. There was a comfort in this supposed incognito. "I just . . . I didn't know how you'd react."
"Liar." His tone was teasing but his eyes were serious. "Did you not want me to be involved, or something?"
I sighed and looked longingly towards the exit. How he talked me into having lunch, I'll never know . . . "I didn't think you *wanted* to be involved," I mused, staring at my hands. "I mean, aren't you embarrassed about that night?"
"I wouldn't say embarrassed," Carter considered.
"Mortified beyond belief?"
Carter laughed. "Come on, it wasn't that bad. I was there too, remember?"
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Not that bad?"
Carter grinned meekly. "I'm really confused on what you want me to say here," he admitted. "Horrible? Fantastic? Traumatizing? Mind-blowingly-"
"John!" I hissed, glancing around us. "Shut up!"
He laughed, and I did too. "Is that why you didn't tell me?" he asked. "You were embarrassed that I'm the father?"
"I'm not embarrassed that you're the father," I rationalized, glad that the ice was broken. "I'm embarrassed that I allowed it to happen."
"Are you sorry it happened?"
I was quiet. "Are you?"
Carter smiled. "I think that the means to the end are inconsequential," he told me, squeezing my hand comfortably. I looked up at him in amazement. "I think this will be good."
---------------------------------
"John, get me a bag of spinach, will you?" I called out from across the produce section. Leaning over the cart that was nearly overflowing with groceries, I pulled an orange from the stack and scowled at it. "Who do I have to sleep with to get some decent produce around here?" I muttered, replacing it.
"Not me," he answered from behind me.
I jumped in surprise. "Ew, who would sleep with you?" I responded teasingly.
"I'm leaving that one alone," he informed her, and I elbowed him in the ribs. "Where's spinach?"
"Over there," I told him, pointing. "And carrots, too, I need carrots."
Carter nodded and obediently took a plastic bag to the vegetable section. I watched him go, my attention drifting from the oranges. This wasn't weird, was it? Going shopping for pregnancy food with my best friend/baby's father? I shook my head and decided not to think so much. Deep thinking always resulted in skepticism, and frankly, I was tired of being skeptical.
It had been almost a week since I'd found out I was pregnant, and Carter had practically attached himself to my hip since then. He called me every night to make sure I was all right, he bought me all the "What To Expect When You're Expecting" books, and today he had come over with a guide for eating right during pregnancy. It was almost smothering.
Not that I was complaining - not at all. My last pregnancy had been lonely and depressing. I'd had to go through all of this by myself, and I had dreaded my delivery date for fear of being alone during that, too.
But Carter had been there for that, too.
I smiled to myself contentedly. This was so much better than I could have thought. Carter was my favorite person in the world; if you excluded the weirdness and the memories and the numerous, numerous questions we still had to iron out, this would work out very well, indeed.
I tied up the bag of oranges as Carter came back with the bag of spinach. "You're not making this on any of the days I'm going to be over, are you?" he asked, dropping the bag in the cart with disgust.
"I just might," I retorted. "Except since you're going to be cooking whenever you're over, I would think that it's your call."
Carter nodded, and was quiet. "How often *am* I going to be over?"
I hesitated for a moment. Here was one of those numerous, numerous questions we still had to figure out. "As often as you like," I suggested amicably.
Carter nodded, but I could tell he was distracted. "What are you going to do about your apartment?"
"What's wrong with my apartment?"
"Well . . . you're going to need more than one bedroom pretty soon," he told me, scratching the back of his head. "You know, a nursery and all that . . ."
I groaned. "God, I didn't even think about that," I lamented. "I can't afford to move right now . . ."
"Well, what if you got a roommate?"
I looked at Carter and smiled. "I don't think I've got any choice about *that,* do I?" I asked, putting my hand on my stomach.
Carter seemed to hesitate for a minute. "Well, what I mean is . . . wouldn't it be easier if you had help with the baby, right there in the apartment?"
"John, I'm on zero income right now," I sighed. "I can't possibly afford a nanny or anything."
"You know, some of the rest of us would be able to help you out, too . . ."
I looked at him and pushed the cart down the aisle. "You don't need to be paying for a nanny, either," I lectured, picking up a cucumber and tossing it into the cart.
Carter rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Do you really not know what I'm getting at here?"
I shook my head, still confused. "A live in nanny?"
He smiled patiently and stopped the cart. "Wouldn't it be easier if the baby's father lived close by?"
"Well, of course," I rationalized, "but you live all the way across town, with your grandmother." And suddenly, like a boulder dropping onto my head, I understood what he was talking about. "Ohh."
"Because I've been thinking about moving out for some time now . . ."
I let out a held breath. "I don't know, John . . ."
"Been looking for a place for a few weeks, haven't really settled on anything . . ."
"John . . ."
"I don't know, it seems like the best idea - we can both be there for it all . . ." He rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when he was nervous. "How about it?"
I looked at him doubtfully. "Can we afford a three bedroom?" I asked. "I mean, I'm not planning on applying for any more positions until after the baby's born, we talked about that . . ."
Carter grinned. "Do we *need* a three bedroom?" he asked with a wink.
I stared at him, speechless. "Uh . . ."
"Joke, Deb," he told me quickly. "It was a joke."
Relieved, I nodded and continued to push the cart down the aisle. "Of course, I knew that. Very funny."
We were quiet for a few minutes longer as I loaded a bag of potatoes into the basket. "So, how about it?" he asked finally.
I sighed and turned around to face him. "It could work," I considered. "I mean, it would definitely help me out, and you'd get to see the baby all the time . . ." I started to head down the aisle again, but turned around quickly and added "But we'd go 50-50 on the rent and everything."
"Of course," he agreed quickly.
"I mean, I've got savings, I can handle my fair share," I informed him as we continued through the store. "With the baby expenses and everything . . . I've already got everything all budgeted out."
"I understand completely," he said from behind me. "Hey, did you want any of those purple-looking fruit things?"
"Because that would be very like you, to chip in with more than your share of the rent or to come home with all the nursery furnishings," I added rapidly. "Or something sneaky like that, like paying the utilities without me knowing about it."
"And you say you know me," Carter teased. "I would never do anything like that. Now, purple things?"
"Yeah, fine," I said distractedly. "Now, I know you're going to be working a lot of the time, but we should try to divide the housework and things evenly -"
"Deb, calm down," Carter laughed, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Don't you think we should look for a place before we assign chores?"
I smiled and hugged him comfortably. "I'm sorry. My mind's going a mile a minute. Another can opened, another pile of worms all over the place."
"It's going to work out," he assured me.
I nodded and smiled up at him. "At the very least, we'll be too tired of each other to jump into bed again," I commented, grateful that we could tease about this after so long.
"Yeah, speak for yourself," Carter grinned, running his hands along my back jokingly. I smacked his hands lightly and scowled at him; he puckered up.
I shook my head with a smile and rummaged through the cart. "It looks like we're done for today," I remarked - then groaned. "But if we're going to live together, you're going to have to learn your way around the grocery store. *This* is basil - not spinach."
Carter shrugged. "It's an unpleasant leafy vegetable," he stated. "Same difference."
"One is a vegetable, the other is an herb," I corrected him. "There's a *big* difference."
Carter grinned. "Not when I cook, there's not."
I stared at him. "You're not coming near my child," I informed him, pushing the cart down the aisle.
He laughed and put his hands on my shoulders. "*My* child will learn to enjoy the finer foods in life - namely Taco Bell, McDonalds, and various packaged delicacies from the vending machines."
"Your child had better not come anywhere near my child," I chuckled as we approached the check out counter. "My child won't be influenced by your unhealthy eating habits."
"Yeah, just watch," he responded as he slipped a package of Oreos onto the counter.
I rolled my eyes and handed him the package of basil. "Put this back, and ask the nice man to point you towards the spinach."
"I'll try my best, but I promise nothing," Carter called as he headed to the produce department.
I shook my head amusedly and watched him go. No matter how tentative I was about any of this, John had a way of easing my tension, making me feel better. He probably had no idea how much of an effect he was having on the situation. It had only been a week and already I was slowly slipping into the excitement I'd avoided for so long. I smiled to myself and began to load the groceries onto the belt. I was starting to think that maybe John was right, maybe this *would* work out. Granted, it wasn't perfect, but happiness was starting to feel refreshing - this was starting to feel comfortable. This would be good.
I only had seven months to keep saying that to myself. Well, *technically* seven months and the rest of my life, but I was taking one step at a time here . . .
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"Dr. Chen!"
I turned around and scanned the ER for whoever was calling my name. Haleh was rushing towards me, I smiled and gave her a hug. "Hi, Haleh!"
"Where have you been, and why did it take you this long to come and visit us?" she asked, pulling out of the embrace.
I chuckled and clutched my coat closer around me. I was grateful to have it - not only was it freezing cold outside, but I was about three months along by now and was starting to show a tiny bit. But hell, who knew, maybe Carter had been telling people at work already . . . "I've been pretty busy," I told her, and it definitely wasn't a lie.
"Where are you working now?" Haleh asked, walking back to the admit desk. I followed her over and leaned over from the waiting room side. "Over at Northwestern or something?"
Hmm. Well, that answered my question about Carter telling anyone. "Nope, actually, I'm still looking," I told her pleasantly. "Have you seen Carter around by any chance?"
"He's in the lounge," Chuny called out from the desk.
"Thanks," I responded, and flashed Haleh another smile. "It was nice seeing you again."
"You too! And if you see Weaver -"
I held up a hand and smiled. "Don't jinx me."
----------------------------------------------------
Absently I wandered down the hall, gazing at each and every poster. Had they replaced these in the last few months? I'd been down this hall countless times before, and yet I'd never noticed the fluorescent STD warning poster, or the promotion for flu shots with the little baby on it, or the poster with the elderly couple explaining the benefits of social security. I strolled through the hall leisurely as a pair of unrecognizable doctors in scrubs tore past me, and I quickly turned my head as Dr. Kovac rapidly followed them. "Hey, Dr. Kovac," I called after him. He looked up and turned around; looking slightly bewildered, he waved back.
I made my way to the lounge and peered through the window on the door. Carter was rummaging through his locker, and a blonde woman I couldn't quite place was sitting at the table. They were talking, and from what I could hear, they were laughing. I leaned against the door and watched the scene unfold - all I needed was a quick internal reminder that I didn't want to interrupt them, and my conscience allowed me to spy to my heart's content.
They kept chatting, and the blonde woman stood up and sauntered closer to him; Carter was grinning. Intrigued, I watched as they spoke with their lips only inches apart, and I found myself desperately wondering who this woman was. Carter hadn't mentioned seeing anyone, and I had the distinct feeling that I knew her from somewhere . . .
My eyes widened as they kissed, and my head tilted as they kissed even deeper. Well, now.
The situation was becoming increasingly difficult to intrude upon, and as the woman pressed Carter into the lockers, I found myself wanting to turn away. Yet it wasn't really from politeness or anything - I fiercely convinced myself that it wasn't jealousy, either.
I decided to bide my time and stared at the newspaper I'd brought in with me. Three available apartments, three highlighted circles. Having every day to myself with nothing to do but eat properly, I'd enlisted in a massive apartment search and become somewhat of an expert on it. A quick peek into the lounge told me that Carter and the woman weren't nearly finished yet, and idly my gaze drifted back to the newspaper.
But Carter had spotted me. Meekly I looked back and waved; he broke off the kiss rapidly. I decided to throw caution to the wind, and strolled into the lounge nonchalantly. "Have I interrupted anything?" I asked innocently, taking off my coat.
"Not at all," Carter answered, and I could tell he was irritated. "Dr. Lewis, I'll see you later?"
The woman nodded and leaned in for another kiss, but Carter backed away. "Ok, I guess," she said strangely - and on her way out, she took a good look at me. "Deb Chen?"
I turned around. "Yeah?"
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "They told me you didn't work here anymore!"
"I don't," I responded stiffly, still unable to place her.
"Deb, you remember Dr. Lewis, don't you?" Carter suddenly asked from the other side of the room.
"Ohhhhh," I answered, nodded vigorously. "Of course, I'm sorry, prospagnosia and all. Can't recognize faces." Dr. Lewis looked concerned, and I quickly added "Kidding . . ."
"Deb was actually just leaving," Carter told her, eyeing me irritably.
"No, Deb was actually just coming to pick you up so we could see an apartment on your lunch break," I retorted.
"You're renting an apartment together?" Dr. Lewis's tone was friendly, but skeptical.
"We sure are," I told her with a thin smile. "It's like a bad sitcom, isn't it?"
"All right, we'd better go then," Carter said quickly, pulling on his coat and shutting the locker. "I'll see you tonight, Susan?"
"Let's grab lunch while we're out," I interrupted. "I've been throwing up all morning and I'm dying of hunger."
"Oh, are you sick?" Dr. Lewis asked sympathetically.
I looked at her with a half smile. "No."
"I'll pick you up at 8," Carter interrupted, turning to Dr. Lewis. "All right?"
"Sounds good," she responded. "It was nice to see you again, Deb!"
"You too -" I looked at Carter and chuckled - "Susan."
She smiled and left the lounge, and I looked at Carter amusedly. "So, Dr. Lewis is back?"
"It would seem that way," he told me with a wry grin.
"Well, from how much you've told about her and all." I told him sarcastically, "I probably should have figured it out."
"Deb . . ."
"I don't have a problem with it, really," I insisted. "I'm just interested as to why you didn't tell me you were seeing anyone."
"You didn't tell me you were pregnant," Carter stated, crossing his arms over his chest. "I was afraid you'd freak out."
I glared at him and punched his arm lightly. "You're too damn funny for your own good," I commented. Suddenly a chill shot up my spine. "Were you two together when we . . ."
"No, actually, that was her first day back," he told me. "Well, not her first day back at *work,* just her first day back in Chicago . . . I'm surprised you didn't see her, she was there all day."
"I was a little preoccupied, what with quitting and everything," I answered, raising an eyebrow.
"Touché." He gestured towards the door. "Shall we?"
I handed him the newspaper. "You're driving, so you might need the directions," I told him. He held the door open for me, and graciously I stepped through it, only poking him in the ribs once or twice.
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"So, it would appear that you haven't told her yet," I commented from the passenger seat of his car.
"Told her what?"
I shook my head in mock disapproval. "It's only been three months and you've already forgotten your child," I sighed. "Some father."
Carter winced noticeably as he pulled out of the parking garage. "I'm planning on telling her soon."
"Oh, soon," I agreed sarcastically. "That's all right then."
He rolled his eyes. "Come on, it's not exactly the easiest thing to say," he complained. " `Hi, Susan, I know we've only been going out for a short time, but I have to cancel our date so I can coach Deb though the delivery of our child. Later!' "
"That didn't sound too hard," I commented.
"Look, I just didn't think you wanted everyone to gossip again," he explained. "Everyone kept bugging you about your pregnancy the last time . . . I figured you didn't want to go through that again."
"John, I don't work there anymore," I explained slowly. "You do. Maybe you're worried about all the gossip that will spread about *you* - does that sound likely?'
"Can we talk about something else, please?"
"Promise me you'll tell Dr. Lewis."
He grimaced. "Fine."
I nodded in satisfaction. "And if your crazy animal sex wakes me up in the middle of the night at any time during this roommate stint," I warned devilishly, "then you are *so* out on your ass."
He chuckled. "Jealousy will get you nowhere, Dr. Chen."
A twinge of guilt coursed through my body, but I ignored it. "Just drive, Dr. Carter," I responded haughtily, leaning back in the seat and catching a glimpse of a smile on Carter's face. This would work out. This would be good . . .
Disclaimer: I'll give them back once I remove the strings from their hands. Dance, puppets, dance!
Timeline: Confusing, I know - since they technically slept together after "Never Say Never," this pretty much happens in the following months.
Rating: If you made it this far without being offended, by all means, continue.
---------------------------------------------
**Deb**
Positive. The blonde, perky woman studied the screen carefully while I studied the ceiling tiles above my head. Positive. Positive. Positive. That was the only word ricocheting though my mind as my eyes skimmed over each ceiling tile. Positive. She was positive it was positive, Dr. Harmon here, and she also got a big laugh out of puns. I couldn't bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen, just in case the test was wrong . . . a woman's hopes could only be crushed so many times before they quit springing back.
"Ooh, I see the little guy," the woman suddenly told me, then added "Or girl." I nearly got whiplash as I turned to look at the screen. She pointed to a vague, blurry figure and smiled at me. "Looks like you're about 8 - 12 weeks along. Good size, too."
I nodded, my eyes transfixed on the tiny image on the screen. That nagging suspicion all these weeks had turned out to be more of a nagging intuition. I should have told John, I knew I should have, but something in my mind convinced me that he'd flip out over the news. Besides, the humiliation from that night so long ago still burned in my cheeks to this day. There had been a period of time when I'd been content never to see John Carter ever again, clothed or not. It was simply too embarrassing.
I'd become a recluse and started screening my calls. At one point I didn't leave the house for three days straight, from nothing but pure mortification and fear of seeing Carter somewhere. I'd wondered if he'd look at me the same way as before, or if he'd constantly be picturing me naked. I'd already lost my job; I didn't need to lose my best friend, as well.
It had taken me nearly a month to realize that pushing him away was the same as losing him, if not worse. But by then, he'd stopped calling and coming by. It had taken a lot of conscious effort to pull myself out the inevitable depression. I even made some phone calls, went to some job interviews, stepped out and felt the sunshine on my face.
And then the queasy familiarity of it all had set in. I'd felt like this before, the unsolicited depression (well, it was *partially* solicited, but still . . .), the nausea, the general disinterest with life. It scared me to death when the possibility of pregnancy had entered my mind.
The only thought had come to mind those few weeks ago was "Not again, please, not again . . ."
Yet I'd had had something of an epiphany a few nights ago, right after I'd made the appointment (and after immediately deciding to branch out to other hospitals for it). My first thought had been how ironically lucky it was that I didn't have a job so I could actually make the appointment for the middle of the day. That insight had opened an entire can of worms for me. Suddenly I had realized that being jobless could have been a blessing in disguise . . . perhaps someone was telling me that this time, it was all right to have a baby. Someone made the choice for me just when I was tired of choosing; someone had picked me up and plunked me down on a very different path, setting me forwards instead of in the circles I'd tread for so long.
In reality, that person had been Kerry, and I scowled to think about that. I preferred the romanticism of fate to the coincidence of unemployment.
My head had spinning for the last few days - but not like it had in the aftermath of sleeping with Carter. The idea of having the baby and keeping the baby sounded more and more appealing every time I thought about it. Maybe it was just my biological clock ticking away, maybe it was just the concept of companionship - hell, maybe it was just my excitement in being able to think about a decision I'd done right, instead of remembering the tangled mess my life had become ever since Michael. There had only been one major problem with even contemplating the decision.
Carter.
My innate feminism always nagged at me when I worried what Carter would think. I was too afraid to face him after we'd slept together; how was I going to stroll up to him and announce I was carrying his child? Part of me was tempted - very, very tempted - not to tell him a thing.
And then he'd showed up in the café, and my beautiful plan had gone to hell. I'd assumed I wouldn't see him again for a long time - long enough to make up a juicy lie about a one-night stand with a stranger. But damn him; damn him and those eyes . . . and his stupid persistent do-goodness. Ugh. Carter's frickin chivalry had stalked me and pulled the truth from right out under my feet. And I couldn't lie to him. Damn those eyes.
My excitement at actually finding out the test results had been drastically dampened by the snapshot my mind had made of John's expression. Pale yet flushed; incredulous and horrified; pleased but disapproving. And even now, as I watched the tiny figure on the screen, I couldn't even smile. I could raise this baby on my own - I'd have to ask my parents for help, but if push came to shove, I could be a single mother. That didn't matter in the long run, though. I would have wanted his approval even if the baby wasn't his. If it had been anyone else but Carter, I wouldn't give a shit . . .
Lord. First my family, now Carter. For such an independent person I tended to live or die from a lot of opinions.
"So, is this your first baby?" the irritating med student asked me, and I snapped back to reality. She'd probably been chattering this whole time and I'd been blissfully oblivious. Thank God for deep thinking.
But her ignorance posed an annoying question. "No," I murmured, not pulling my eyes away from the screen. I should be happy, I should be thrilled . . .
"Ooh, so someone's going to be a big brother or sister, huh?" she asked happily.
I looked at her plainly. "No."
This threw her off, and I morbidly enjoyed watching her struggle to keep the perky smile on her face. "Well, let's get you cleaned up," she responded cheerily, switching off the ultrasound. "Have you told your husband yet?"
I rolled my eyes. This girl was one big land mine.
------------------------------------------------
I spotted Carter through the window of the waiting room door and I knew he spotted me. By the time my hand reached the handle, he was out of his seat and halfway across the room.
"So? . . ." he asked anxiously as I stepped through the door. I wished I'd had some smart-ass reply for him, but I chickened out and stepped past him.
"No, Deb, you can't do this," he argued, following me out the door and down the hall. "Please, just tell me, yes or no . . ."
Every fear and sense of dread about this pregnancy translated into fury as I pressed the elevator arrow and glared at Carter. "I'm not asking you for anything here, Carter," I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. "I've already made my decision and I don't care what you say, or what you think about it, or what rights you think you have. I'm the one who's going to have the morning sickness, I'm the one who's going through all of the emotional shit, I'm the one who's going to buy the clothes and lunch boxes and graduation caps and gowns, I'm going to be the mother and I don't need any help from you or from anyone else. I know this is selfish, I know this is impractical, but it's my body, my baby and my decision!" I gritted my teeth as the elevator opened behind me. "So go back to your life and your job and I'll send you a postcard every once in a while."
Carter grabbed the elevator door before it could shut in front of me. "So, you *are* pregnant, then?"
I stared at him. "Yes, John, I'm pregnant," I sighed.
His expression slowly elapsed into a grin. "Really?"
I leaned against the back of the elevator tiredly. "I know what you're thinking," I muttered. "But I can do it. I've got it figured out. I've even -"
"I don't get a say in this?"
I held my breath sharply as the elevator beeped in disapproval. Carter stepped inside, and closing my eyes, I murmured "I guess you do, yeah . . ."
I felt Carter's arm on my shoulder - alarmed, I looked up at him. He was grinning like a goon. "I think it's great."
--------------------------------------
I stared at the table, memorizing the shadow my tray cast on the white plastic, feeling John's stare burn into me. I'd been silent for what felt like minutes - glancing up at him, I simply answered "I don't know."
He sighed and took my hand across the table. "I would have been all right if you'd told me beforehand. I just want to know why you didn't think I'd be all right with it."
Self-consciously I glanced around the hospital cafeteria. It seemed so similar to County's, but Carter was the only one I recognized in the room. There was a comfort in this supposed incognito. "I just . . . I didn't know how you'd react."
"Liar." His tone was teasing but his eyes were serious. "Did you not want me to be involved, or something?"
I sighed and looked longingly towards the exit. How he talked me into having lunch, I'll never know . . . "I didn't think you *wanted* to be involved," I mused, staring at my hands. "I mean, aren't you embarrassed about that night?"
"I wouldn't say embarrassed," Carter considered.
"Mortified beyond belief?"
Carter laughed. "Come on, it wasn't that bad. I was there too, remember?"
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Not that bad?"
Carter grinned meekly. "I'm really confused on what you want me to say here," he admitted. "Horrible? Fantastic? Traumatizing? Mind-blowingly-"
"John!" I hissed, glancing around us. "Shut up!"
He laughed, and I did too. "Is that why you didn't tell me?" he asked. "You were embarrassed that I'm the father?"
"I'm not embarrassed that you're the father," I rationalized, glad that the ice was broken. "I'm embarrassed that I allowed it to happen."
"Are you sorry it happened?"
I was quiet. "Are you?"
Carter smiled. "I think that the means to the end are inconsequential," he told me, squeezing my hand comfortably. I looked up at him in amazement. "I think this will be good."
---------------------------------
"John, get me a bag of spinach, will you?" I called out from across the produce section. Leaning over the cart that was nearly overflowing with groceries, I pulled an orange from the stack and scowled at it. "Who do I have to sleep with to get some decent produce around here?" I muttered, replacing it.
"Not me," he answered from behind me.
I jumped in surprise. "Ew, who would sleep with you?" I responded teasingly.
"I'm leaving that one alone," he informed her, and I elbowed him in the ribs. "Where's spinach?"
"Over there," I told him, pointing. "And carrots, too, I need carrots."
Carter nodded and obediently took a plastic bag to the vegetable section. I watched him go, my attention drifting from the oranges. This wasn't weird, was it? Going shopping for pregnancy food with my best friend/baby's father? I shook my head and decided not to think so much. Deep thinking always resulted in skepticism, and frankly, I was tired of being skeptical.
It had been almost a week since I'd found out I was pregnant, and Carter had practically attached himself to my hip since then. He called me every night to make sure I was all right, he bought me all the "What To Expect When You're Expecting" books, and today he had come over with a guide for eating right during pregnancy. It was almost smothering.
Not that I was complaining - not at all. My last pregnancy had been lonely and depressing. I'd had to go through all of this by myself, and I had dreaded my delivery date for fear of being alone during that, too.
But Carter had been there for that, too.
I smiled to myself contentedly. This was so much better than I could have thought. Carter was my favorite person in the world; if you excluded the weirdness and the memories and the numerous, numerous questions we still had to iron out, this would work out very well, indeed.
I tied up the bag of oranges as Carter came back with the bag of spinach. "You're not making this on any of the days I'm going to be over, are you?" he asked, dropping the bag in the cart with disgust.
"I just might," I retorted. "Except since you're going to be cooking whenever you're over, I would think that it's your call."
Carter nodded, and was quiet. "How often *am* I going to be over?"
I hesitated for a moment. Here was one of those numerous, numerous questions we still had to figure out. "As often as you like," I suggested amicably.
Carter nodded, but I could tell he was distracted. "What are you going to do about your apartment?"
"What's wrong with my apartment?"
"Well . . . you're going to need more than one bedroom pretty soon," he told me, scratching the back of his head. "You know, a nursery and all that . . ."
I groaned. "God, I didn't even think about that," I lamented. "I can't afford to move right now . . ."
"Well, what if you got a roommate?"
I looked at Carter and smiled. "I don't think I've got any choice about *that,* do I?" I asked, putting my hand on my stomach.
Carter seemed to hesitate for a minute. "Well, what I mean is . . . wouldn't it be easier if you had help with the baby, right there in the apartment?"
"John, I'm on zero income right now," I sighed. "I can't possibly afford a nanny or anything."
"You know, some of the rest of us would be able to help you out, too . . ."
I looked at him and pushed the cart down the aisle. "You don't need to be paying for a nanny, either," I lectured, picking up a cucumber and tossing it into the cart.
Carter rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Do you really not know what I'm getting at here?"
I shook my head, still confused. "A live in nanny?"
He smiled patiently and stopped the cart. "Wouldn't it be easier if the baby's father lived close by?"
"Well, of course," I rationalized, "but you live all the way across town, with your grandmother." And suddenly, like a boulder dropping onto my head, I understood what he was talking about. "Ohh."
"Because I've been thinking about moving out for some time now . . ."
I let out a held breath. "I don't know, John . . ."
"Been looking for a place for a few weeks, haven't really settled on anything . . ."
"John . . ."
"I don't know, it seems like the best idea - we can both be there for it all . . ." He rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when he was nervous. "How about it?"
I looked at him doubtfully. "Can we afford a three bedroom?" I asked. "I mean, I'm not planning on applying for any more positions until after the baby's born, we talked about that . . ."
Carter grinned. "Do we *need* a three bedroom?" he asked with a wink.
I stared at him, speechless. "Uh . . ."
"Joke, Deb," he told me quickly. "It was a joke."
Relieved, I nodded and continued to push the cart down the aisle. "Of course, I knew that. Very funny."
We were quiet for a few minutes longer as I loaded a bag of potatoes into the basket. "So, how about it?" he asked finally.
I sighed and turned around to face him. "It could work," I considered. "I mean, it would definitely help me out, and you'd get to see the baby all the time . . ." I started to head down the aisle again, but turned around quickly and added "But we'd go 50-50 on the rent and everything."
"Of course," he agreed quickly.
"I mean, I've got savings, I can handle my fair share," I informed him as we continued through the store. "With the baby expenses and everything . . . I've already got everything all budgeted out."
"I understand completely," he said from behind me. "Hey, did you want any of those purple-looking fruit things?"
"Because that would be very like you, to chip in with more than your share of the rent or to come home with all the nursery furnishings," I added rapidly. "Or something sneaky like that, like paying the utilities without me knowing about it."
"And you say you know me," Carter teased. "I would never do anything like that. Now, purple things?"
"Yeah, fine," I said distractedly. "Now, I know you're going to be working a lot of the time, but we should try to divide the housework and things evenly -"
"Deb, calm down," Carter laughed, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Don't you think we should look for a place before we assign chores?"
I smiled and hugged him comfortably. "I'm sorry. My mind's going a mile a minute. Another can opened, another pile of worms all over the place."
"It's going to work out," he assured me.
I nodded and smiled up at him. "At the very least, we'll be too tired of each other to jump into bed again," I commented, grateful that we could tease about this after so long.
"Yeah, speak for yourself," Carter grinned, running his hands along my back jokingly. I smacked his hands lightly and scowled at him; he puckered up.
I shook my head with a smile and rummaged through the cart. "It looks like we're done for today," I remarked - then groaned. "But if we're going to live together, you're going to have to learn your way around the grocery store. *This* is basil - not spinach."
Carter shrugged. "It's an unpleasant leafy vegetable," he stated. "Same difference."
"One is a vegetable, the other is an herb," I corrected him. "There's a *big* difference."
Carter grinned. "Not when I cook, there's not."
I stared at him. "You're not coming near my child," I informed him, pushing the cart down the aisle.
He laughed and put his hands on my shoulders. "*My* child will learn to enjoy the finer foods in life - namely Taco Bell, McDonalds, and various packaged delicacies from the vending machines."
"Your child had better not come anywhere near my child," I chuckled as we approached the check out counter. "My child won't be influenced by your unhealthy eating habits."
"Yeah, just watch," he responded as he slipped a package of Oreos onto the counter.
I rolled my eyes and handed him the package of basil. "Put this back, and ask the nice man to point you towards the spinach."
"I'll try my best, but I promise nothing," Carter called as he headed to the produce department.
I shook my head amusedly and watched him go. No matter how tentative I was about any of this, John had a way of easing my tension, making me feel better. He probably had no idea how much of an effect he was having on the situation. It had only been a week and already I was slowly slipping into the excitement I'd avoided for so long. I smiled to myself and began to load the groceries onto the belt. I was starting to think that maybe John was right, maybe this *would* work out. Granted, it wasn't perfect, but happiness was starting to feel refreshing - this was starting to feel comfortable. This would be good.
I only had seven months to keep saying that to myself. Well, *technically* seven months and the rest of my life, but I was taking one step at a time here . . .
--------------------------------------------------
"Dr. Chen!"
I turned around and scanned the ER for whoever was calling my name. Haleh was rushing towards me, I smiled and gave her a hug. "Hi, Haleh!"
"Where have you been, and why did it take you this long to come and visit us?" she asked, pulling out of the embrace.
I chuckled and clutched my coat closer around me. I was grateful to have it - not only was it freezing cold outside, but I was about three months along by now and was starting to show a tiny bit. But hell, who knew, maybe Carter had been telling people at work already . . . "I've been pretty busy," I told her, and it definitely wasn't a lie.
"Where are you working now?" Haleh asked, walking back to the admit desk. I followed her over and leaned over from the waiting room side. "Over at Northwestern or something?"
Hmm. Well, that answered my question about Carter telling anyone. "Nope, actually, I'm still looking," I told her pleasantly. "Have you seen Carter around by any chance?"
"He's in the lounge," Chuny called out from the desk.
"Thanks," I responded, and flashed Haleh another smile. "It was nice seeing you again."
"You too! And if you see Weaver -"
I held up a hand and smiled. "Don't jinx me."
----------------------------------------------------
Absently I wandered down the hall, gazing at each and every poster. Had they replaced these in the last few months? I'd been down this hall countless times before, and yet I'd never noticed the fluorescent STD warning poster, or the promotion for flu shots with the little baby on it, or the poster with the elderly couple explaining the benefits of social security. I strolled through the hall leisurely as a pair of unrecognizable doctors in scrubs tore past me, and I quickly turned my head as Dr. Kovac rapidly followed them. "Hey, Dr. Kovac," I called after him. He looked up and turned around; looking slightly bewildered, he waved back.
I made my way to the lounge and peered through the window on the door. Carter was rummaging through his locker, and a blonde woman I couldn't quite place was sitting at the table. They were talking, and from what I could hear, they were laughing. I leaned against the door and watched the scene unfold - all I needed was a quick internal reminder that I didn't want to interrupt them, and my conscience allowed me to spy to my heart's content.
They kept chatting, and the blonde woman stood up and sauntered closer to him; Carter was grinning. Intrigued, I watched as they spoke with their lips only inches apart, and I found myself desperately wondering who this woman was. Carter hadn't mentioned seeing anyone, and I had the distinct feeling that I knew her from somewhere . . .
My eyes widened as they kissed, and my head tilted as they kissed even deeper. Well, now.
The situation was becoming increasingly difficult to intrude upon, and as the woman pressed Carter into the lockers, I found myself wanting to turn away. Yet it wasn't really from politeness or anything - I fiercely convinced myself that it wasn't jealousy, either.
I decided to bide my time and stared at the newspaper I'd brought in with me. Three available apartments, three highlighted circles. Having every day to myself with nothing to do but eat properly, I'd enlisted in a massive apartment search and become somewhat of an expert on it. A quick peek into the lounge told me that Carter and the woman weren't nearly finished yet, and idly my gaze drifted back to the newspaper.
But Carter had spotted me. Meekly I looked back and waved; he broke off the kiss rapidly. I decided to throw caution to the wind, and strolled into the lounge nonchalantly. "Have I interrupted anything?" I asked innocently, taking off my coat.
"Not at all," Carter answered, and I could tell he was irritated. "Dr. Lewis, I'll see you later?"
The woman nodded and leaned in for another kiss, but Carter backed away. "Ok, I guess," she said strangely - and on her way out, she took a good look at me. "Deb Chen?"
I turned around. "Yeah?"
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "They told me you didn't work here anymore!"
"I don't," I responded stiffly, still unable to place her.
"Deb, you remember Dr. Lewis, don't you?" Carter suddenly asked from the other side of the room.
"Ohhhhh," I answered, nodded vigorously. "Of course, I'm sorry, prospagnosia and all. Can't recognize faces." Dr. Lewis looked concerned, and I quickly added "Kidding . . ."
"Deb was actually just leaving," Carter told her, eyeing me irritably.
"No, Deb was actually just coming to pick you up so we could see an apartment on your lunch break," I retorted.
"You're renting an apartment together?" Dr. Lewis's tone was friendly, but skeptical.
"We sure are," I told her with a thin smile. "It's like a bad sitcom, isn't it?"
"All right, we'd better go then," Carter said quickly, pulling on his coat and shutting the locker. "I'll see you tonight, Susan?"
"Let's grab lunch while we're out," I interrupted. "I've been throwing up all morning and I'm dying of hunger."
"Oh, are you sick?" Dr. Lewis asked sympathetically.
I looked at her with a half smile. "No."
"I'll pick you up at 8," Carter interrupted, turning to Dr. Lewis. "All right?"
"Sounds good," she responded. "It was nice to see you again, Deb!"
"You too -" I looked at Carter and chuckled - "Susan."
She smiled and left the lounge, and I looked at Carter amusedly. "So, Dr. Lewis is back?"
"It would seem that way," he told me with a wry grin.
"Well, from how much you've told about her and all." I told him sarcastically, "I probably should have figured it out."
"Deb . . ."
"I don't have a problem with it, really," I insisted. "I'm just interested as to why you didn't tell me you were seeing anyone."
"You didn't tell me you were pregnant," Carter stated, crossing his arms over his chest. "I was afraid you'd freak out."
I glared at him and punched his arm lightly. "You're too damn funny for your own good," I commented. Suddenly a chill shot up my spine. "Were you two together when we . . ."
"No, actually, that was her first day back," he told me. "Well, not her first day back at *work,* just her first day back in Chicago . . . I'm surprised you didn't see her, she was there all day."
"I was a little preoccupied, what with quitting and everything," I answered, raising an eyebrow.
"Touché." He gestured towards the door. "Shall we?"
I handed him the newspaper. "You're driving, so you might need the directions," I told him. He held the door open for me, and graciously I stepped through it, only poking him in the ribs once or twice.
--------------------------------------------
"So, it would appear that you haven't told her yet," I commented from the passenger seat of his car.
"Told her what?"
I shook my head in mock disapproval. "It's only been three months and you've already forgotten your child," I sighed. "Some father."
Carter winced noticeably as he pulled out of the parking garage. "I'm planning on telling her soon."
"Oh, soon," I agreed sarcastically. "That's all right then."
He rolled his eyes. "Come on, it's not exactly the easiest thing to say," he complained. " `Hi, Susan, I know we've only been going out for a short time, but I have to cancel our date so I can coach Deb though the delivery of our child. Later!' "
"That didn't sound too hard," I commented.
"Look, I just didn't think you wanted everyone to gossip again," he explained. "Everyone kept bugging you about your pregnancy the last time . . . I figured you didn't want to go through that again."
"John, I don't work there anymore," I explained slowly. "You do. Maybe you're worried about all the gossip that will spread about *you* - does that sound likely?'
"Can we talk about something else, please?"
"Promise me you'll tell Dr. Lewis."
He grimaced. "Fine."
I nodded in satisfaction. "And if your crazy animal sex wakes me up in the middle of the night at any time during this roommate stint," I warned devilishly, "then you are *so* out on your ass."
He chuckled. "Jealousy will get you nowhere, Dr. Chen."
A twinge of guilt coursed through my body, but I ignored it. "Just drive, Dr. Carter," I responded haughtily, leaning back in the seat and catching a glimpse of a smile on Carter's face. This would work out. This would be good . . .