A Whole New Year of Doom
An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage
Part 2—The End…And The BeginningThis is getting to be incredibly much longer than I thought it would be. Odd, since this is supposed to be a reduced version of what I'd originally intended. It's really becoming an extended version of the single chapter I'd planned, and thus is turning out to be a real fic in its own right. I am so baaaaad…writing past my deadline… Ah, well, I'm not going to sacrifice anything in the name of greatness! And by greatness I mean fanfiction. I made a promise to you that I'd write this, and so I shall. And you shall say, 'Woopdie doo.' Just keep reading, there's some fun stuff coming up! Like Monty Python movies which I of course do not own!
The scene is KidK's house, where all the restaurant-goers are pulling up in their respective cars. It's still snowing out, and since KidK has to park at the curb, she and Zim are going to have to use their new coat trick to get the Irken into the house safely. Meanwhile, inside…
Squee: Was that a car door?
Gir: Missy's back! (he dances on his chair) Missy and Mommy and Daddy and Mikey and Master and Dibby and Gazzy are back!
'Nny: Well, why don't we go greet them, then?
Gir: Yippeeeeeeeee!
Gir runs down the stairs and bursts out the door with his usual unbridled enthusiasm. He looks around, and notices the snow. It was only a matter of time, really.
Gir: Ooooo, pretty! White sky sparkles! (he sees his pals getting out of the car) Heeeey, guys! Let's play in the sky sparkles! Wheehoo!
Dib: Uh oh.
'Nny: Hey, Gir, get back here!
KidK: No, Gir, don't!
But it's too late. Gir tackles KidK, sending both her and Zim sprawling into a drift of snow. Luckily, Zim is wrapped up tight in the material of the amazing trenchcoat (which is amazing), and goes unscathed—for the moment.
KidK (struggling to right herself): Gir! Gir, you nut! Now I'm all wet!
Gir (rolling in snow): This is fun! What is it?
KidK: It's snow. And, apparently, some ice too, since it's kinda slippery. (she tries to get up and falls back on her rear) Man!
'Nny (extending a hand): Need some help?
KidK (gratefully): Thanks.
Johnny gently tugs her into a standing position, which in turn pulls trenchcoat-mummy-Zim out of the snow as well.
Zim: My Tallest! I was inches away from painful death! Can we go inside now, and away from this horror?
'Nny (to KidK): Hey, you're wearing your gloves.
KidK: I luv 'em lots.
'Nny: Well, that time when we ran to class together and you took my hand, your fingers were so cold. I couldn't let them stay that way…and a good deed deserves payback, right? You kept me warm, so now I'll keep you warm.
Dib (grinning): You'll 'keep her warm?' Hey, Zim, didja hear that?
Mike-the-Brother: Just what are you suggesting, Johnny?
'Nny (quickly breaking away from the group): Nothing! Nothing! And now that you're all home, I'll just be on my way. (calling) Squeegee! We're going!
KidK: Oh, no you don't. I still haven't paid you.
'Nny: No, no money. Thanks all the same, but—
KidK: Not money. I know you couldn't care less about that. But, as you said, a good deed deserves payback. Please stay up for New Years' with us and have Mom's special dessert…
Gir (pleady-face): Pleeeeeease, Johnny-man?
'Nny: *sigh* I am vanquished once more.
KidK: Yay! Now let's all go inside. Come on, Zimmy.
KidK and Zim resume their conjoined trek up the hill to the house. Once under the overhang, Zim throws off his protective layer of coat and stands in a triumphant pose.
Zim: You have not bested me, puny Earth-rock! Not even your snow can defeat the might of Invader Ziiiim! Ahahahahahaaaaaa!
Dib (throwing a snowball at Zim's head): Have summa this!
Zim: Waaaaaaaaaaaaugh! (screamy Zim=cute ^.^)
Moments later, Zim is sitting on the couch wrapped up in a pile of towels, looking thoroughly annoyed at the world in general and Dib in particular.
KidK's Mom: You OK there, Zim? Getting dry?
Zim: Yes, Mrs. KidK's Mom. No thanks to the Dib-monkey.
Dib: I couldn't resist! Heheh.
Mike-the-Brother: It was pretty funny how he was running around screaming and then tripped and fell into more snow.
Gir: Can we go outside and play some more?
Zim: No!
KidK: Not right now, Gir. Maybe you and I can have a snowball fight tomorrow, once it's stopped accumulating.
Gir: Can Squeezy play too?
KidK: I don't see why not. ^_^
Squee: Um…is the snow dangerous? Is it like alien snow? 'Cause I've never seen anyone get hurt by snow before, so this stuff might be different. I don't wanna get all burny like the green kid.
KidK: Nah, it's not different from any other snow. Zim here is just allergic to water.
Squee (eyes wide): Water is dangerous?
Dib: Only to aliens.
KidK's Mom (from the kitchen): Hey, did you guys cook? Something smells really good in here.
'Nny: On request from Gir, we made lasagna. There's still quite a bit left in the refrigerator, if you want to try it.
KidK's Mom: Wow! You made a lot! I was planning to use that for a dinner this week, but you've saved me the trouble of cooking it.
KidK: I can't wait to eat it! 'Nny-kun is a good cook!
'Nny: Not really…
Zim (muttering angrily): It's probably poisoned.
KidK's Dad: So, what do you all want to do while we wait for midnight? Movies, TV, play a game, what?
Mike-the-Brother: Me and Gaz want to play Super Smash Brothers.
Dib: Hey, you can't hog the TV like that! Mysterious Mysteries is gonna be on!
Gir: I wanna watch more Sailor Moon!
KidK's Mom: No subtitles. They hurt my eyes. But a movie would be nice.
Gaz: Mike, haven't I already beaten you at that game enough? Can't we play Perfect Dark instead?
Squee: Are there any cartoons on?
'Nny: I don't care what you do, just stop arguing over trivialities.
KidK: Who wants Monty Python?
There is a silence as everyone stares at KidK. And then…
KidK's Dad: Good idea!
Dib: 'Holy Grail' or 'Life of Brian?'
Mike-the-Brother: Both!
Zim: A movie about snakes?
Squee: *squee!*
KidK's Mom: No, one's about King Arthur—
'Nny: And the other's about the stupidity of religion.
Gaz: Heh. Fun.
Gir: 'We are the knights who say…ni!'
KidK: That's the spirit! I'll go get the tapes!
She runs off to find the two classic comedy gems, but when she reaches her room…
KidK: Gir! Have you been going through my stuff again?!
Gir: No!
KidK: Then why…
KidK's Mom: What happened?
KidK: There's all—
'Nny (hurriedly): I'll be right back. (he joins KidK in her room) Sorry I didn't say something earlier, Missy.
KidK: Just say it now. Why have the contents of my drawers been emptied out?
'Nny: You had a burglar.
KidK: Whaaaat?!
'Nny: Please don't get upset. I dealt with it.
KidK: What did you…?
'Nny (firmly): I dealt with it.
KidK: Oh. (she thinks a second) Ohhhhhh…
'Nny: I didn't want to leave a mess, but neither did I want to try to put things away, since I don't know where any of it goes. So I just left it all on the bed. Sorry.
KidK: Don't be sorry! You saved my house from theft! My undying gratitude be upon you!
She grabs him in a really tight, squeezy hug, catching him off guard as usual. After a few seconds, he extracts his arms from her embrace, places his hands on her shoulders, and carefully pushes her out to arms' length.
'Nny: I'm afraid I must insist that the spontaneous touching stop. You see, I don't have much experience with this kind of…physical affection, but I do have some very quick reflexes that operate purely on instinct. My ultimate goal in life is to have complete control over my body, but there are still some aspects I have trouble keeping in check. I'd really hate to…do…anything. So, next time…could you please just warn me a little?
KidK: Okay! ^_^ (she spreads her arms wide) I'm gonna give you a hug now.
'Nny (accepting her embrace): Thank you.
KidK: No, thank you.
'Nny: Just don't tell your parents about the whole burglary thing. They'll only ask questions.
KidK: No problem.
Mike-the-Brother (calling): Are you two done kissing yet? We want our movies!
KidK's Dad: Kissing?! What?!
KidK: Mike, you jerk! Come on, 'Nny-kun, let's go have an enjoyable experience watching two of the funniest movies of all time.
They rejoin the group in the living room, and then the greatest debate of the evening begins.
KidK's Mom: Which one should we watch first?
Dib: 'Holy Grail.'
Gaz: 'Life of Brian.'
KidK's Dad: 'Life of Brian.'
Mike-the-Brother: Sorry, Gaz, gotta go with Dib on this one.
Gir: 'We're knights of the round table! We dance whene'er we're able!'
Zim: What are you humans going on about?
'Nny: 'Life of Brian' is the better satire.
Squee: I've never seen that one. Daddy said I wasn't old enough and that if I wanted to watch movies I had to get a job and pay for them myself. Can I watch it now?
KidK: 'Holy Grail' is my favorite ever!
KidK's Mom: So that's four for 'Holy Grail' and four for 'Life of Brian.' Well, I'm not getting myself into this argument, so it looks like Zim's going to have to cast the deciding vote.
Zim: How can I? I know nothing of this Python person.
KidK's Mom: Then just pick randomly.
Gaz: Pick 'Life of Brian' or you're gonna get it.
Zim (very quickly): I pick 'Life of Brian.' Is this movie about the stupid history of some stupid human?
KidK's Dad: No, it's a spoof of the Gospels.
Zim: 'Gospels?'
KidK: I'll tell you aaallll about it someday, Zimmy. Four years of classes on Catholicism taken without the bias of being part of the religion have made me an expert on Christian holy writ. For now, though, just watch the movie as if it's any other.
Mike-the-Brother (kinda sneakily): Can we watch 'The Meaning of Life' too?
All the Adults in the Room: No.
Dib: So 'Life of Brian' it is. Let's hurry up and watch it so we can get to the really good movie.
Gaz: You'd better not ruin this for me, Dib.
Moments later, after the lame outdated previews and commercials are over, everyone is settled down to watch the movie. KidK's Mom is sitting in the chair, and Dad is lying comfortably on the floor. Zim's still wrapped up on the couch, with KidK next to him holding Gir in her lap. Next in line on the couch is Squee, who's seated snugly between KidK and 'Nny. Dib, Gaz, and Mike are on the floor, leaning back on the couch. All are mesmerized by the magical moving images on the screen.
Wise Man: We are three wise men.
Mandy, Mother of Brian: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Everyone Except Zim: Wahahahahaaaaa!
Zim: Why is this funny? The hideous female—it is female, right?—has questioned their authority! She should be vaporized!
The Wise Men proceed to give the traditional gifts to Mandy, and praise Brian in typical fashion. However, they soon realize that they're in the wrong place and take back their presents.
Mandy: Here! Here! Here, that--that's mine! Hey! Hey, you just gave me that! Oh!
Baby Brian: Waaaaaah!
Mandy: Shut up! (smack)
Zim: Okaaaay, what was that all about?
KidK: Well, those guys were supposed to find the Messiah and give him gifts and stuff, but they came to the wrong house.
'Nny: Heh. And the best part is--what would've happened if they hadn't realized that?
Zim: Something…not good?
KidK's Mom: Maybe we shouldn't be watching this with someone who isn't familiar with the original story.
Gaz: Zim, shut up!
A little while later…
Loud Shoe Guy (holding up Brian's discarded sandal): He has given us... His shoe!
Other Guy: Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise.
Loud Shoe Guy: No, no, no. The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance!
Lady: Cast off the shoes! Follow the gourd!
Everyone (even Zim): Ahahahahahaaaa!
Zim: The stupid humans are confused over nothing!
'Nny: Credulous fools! They'll follow anything if someone tells them it's holy!
Dib: Wahahaha! They think a shoe has magic powers!
Gir: A magical shoe? Really?
Gaz: No, Gir, these people are just retarded.
Gir: Aw! Master, can I have magic shoes?
Zim: Shh! Keep it down! I want to see what these moronic earth monkeys do next!
KidK: Well, Dad, looks like we've found another convert for Monty Python fandom.
KidK's Dad: Shhhhhhh!
KidK (in unison with Simon the Creepy Holy Man): Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!
KidK's Mom: Cut it out, sweetie. That's weird.
Squee: Why did my daddy say I couldn't watch this? I mean, the kids at skool say worse words than the people in the movie, and so does daddy when he's mad, and it's not even as if anyone's gotten killed!
Everyone Who's Seen the Movie: Um…er…uh oh.
Anyone who's seen 'Life of Brian' probably knows why Squee was prohibited to watch it (well, other than the fact that his parents are scumbags). If you haven't seen it, I shall now warn you. In the scene after the bit with Simon the Creepy Holy Man, Brian is—ahem—nude. And so is his girlfriend Judith.
KidK's Mom: Kids, you all shut your eyes right this minute.
Gir: But…but the movie!
KidK's Mom: Do it, Gir.
Gir: Are we playing Hide an' Seek?
KidK's Mom: Yes. Hide your eyes behind your hands so no one can see them. That goes for you too, Todd.
Squee: Yes ma'am. (he does so quite cutely) Why? Is there gonna be a horrible murder?
KidK: No, worse. Dad'll tell us when it's over.
Squee: *squee…*
KidK's Dad: Three…two…one…shut your eyes!
Gir: Heehee, I'm gonna win this game!
After the evil nudity has passed, later on in the film some other stuff happens, and Pontius Pilate says he'll free a prisoner as a concession to the Hebrews at Passover (I am good summarizer, yeah?)
Crowd: Welease Woger! Welease Woger!
Pilate: Vewy well. I shall welease Woger!
Squee: Hey, he sounds like Elmer Fudd!
Gir (bouncing happily): 'Welease Woger!' Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeheehee!
KidK: The rich guy gets what he deserves!
Gaz: Abject humiliation!
Biggus (Pilate's little friend): Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth! Thitizens! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus the Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, and...
Squee (giggling uncontrollably): Heeheehee! They're so silly!
KidK's Dad: This is the funniest part of the whole movie!
'Nny: Better than the stoning scene?
KidK: No, no, the best part's still to come! Just wait!
A few minutes later:
KidK: Look! Look! Here they come!
Crowd: Look out! The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front!
JPF Leader: Ve are the Judean People's Front--crack suicide squad. Suicide squad! Attack! (they all stab themselves) That showed 'em, huh? Oooh…(dies)
KidK: Yaaaaaaay!
Squee: Are they all dead now?
'Nny: Yeah, but it's OK, Squeegee. They were stupid.
Dib: Look, even Brian's girlfriend doesn't care that he's gonna die. They just won't listen to him!
Mike-the-Brother: Don't worry, Dib. If you were ever going to be executed, we'd finally listen to you and all your theories.
Gaz: I wouldn't.
KidK: And now comes the grand finale! Sing along if you know the words!
And so the first movie of the evening ended with a bang as the members of the audience with previous viewing experience sing along to 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,' the others picking up the tune as they go.
KidK's Mom: OK, who wants dessert while we watch 'Holy Grail?'
Zim (a little too enthusiastically): Me!
KidK: Aw, that's right! Zimmy hasn't eaten anything since salad!
KidK's Mom: Well, you can have an extra-big slice, Zim.
Dib: 'Slice?' Is it a cake?
KidK: Mom! You gave it away!
KidK's Mom: Yes, but you still don't all know what kind of a cake it is.
Dib (shrugging): Cake is cake. Unless it's cheesecake, which I've always felt is really more like pie. (this is my own personal theory)
Mike-the-Brother: Wait'll you see! This is no ordinary cake!
Gir: Caaaaaaaake! Gimme!
KidK's Mom: I'll go get it. (she goes downstairs to the garage, the last place you'd expect to find a cake—but it's there because it's gotta be kept cold—and then returns with the giant Tupperware cake saver) Ta-daaaaa~!
Gir: It's…so…beeyooteeful!
Dib: Did you do all the frosting yourself? Even the flowers?
KidK's Mom: Yes. It's French vanilla cake, and the chocolate icing in between the layers has Toll House morsels mixed in. The pink flowers are supposed to be strawberry, but I've never used this kind of frosting so I don't know how it'll taste.
Mike-the-Brother: Strawberry! (Mike likes strawberry and hates cherry. So if you ever offer him a red lollipop, make sure you know which flavor it is)
Squee: Vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. Like ice-cream!
KidK's Mom (slicing the cake): OK, who wants an end piece?
Shortly thereafter, the cake is cut and everyone is eating contentedly in the livingroom. Needless to say, the deliciousness of the fabulous dessert is the main cause of the fact that most of the comments made regarding the movie are made unintelligible by full mouths.
Zim: Ahsa misrabuh 'sguys.
KidK: Mmfph?
Zim: I said, 'that's a miserable disguise.'
Dib: You mean the witch? She really is a witch, you know.
Mike-the-Brother: If the criteria for being a witch include weighing the same as a duck, that is.
Gir: I weigh the same as a duck!
Squee: Missy?
KidK: Yes, Todd?
Squee: Is Gir a witch?
KidK: No.
Squee: Is he a vampire?
KidK: No.
Squee: Is he a robot from outer space?
KidK: Yes.
Squee: *gulp*
KidK: Don't worry, he doesn't bite…
Squee: Oh, good.
KidK: …most of the time.
Squee: *squeeee* (he burrows himself deeper between KidK and 'Nny)
Gir: Can I sing along again now?
KidK: I don't see why not.
Gir: We're Knights of the Round Table! We dance whene'er we're able! We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable! We dine well here in Camelot--we eat ham and jam and spam a lot!
Dib: How many times has that thing seen this movie?
KidK: I didn't know he'd seen it at all…
Mike-the-Brother: He hasn't. Isn't that spooky?
And later once more…
Knight of Ni: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want...a shrubbery!
KidK and Mike-the-Brother: Bum bum bummmmmm!
Gaz: Aw, a brother-sister moment.
KidK: I love you, Mike!
Mike-the-Brother (pointing): I hate her.
KidK's Mom: Hey, hey! Nobody hates anybody!
Dib: I hate Zim…
Zim: I hate the Dib-monkey!
Gir: I luv all of you! Gimme a hug, Daddy!
KidK's Dad: Get off me, Gir!
Squee: Don't let him bite you and suck your life-juice!
KidK (poking 'Nny): You've been very quiet lately. Thinking some deep thoughts?
'Nny: Just drinking in the atmosphere.
KidK: And does it taste good?
'Nny: Almost as good as the cake, which, by the way, was the best food I've ever put into my system. Despite all this yelling and pointless argument, I feel…I don't know…warm.
KidK: That's because we're all here together. A perfect night.
'Nny: Perfect…
Zim: KidK! Tell the Dib that his howling does not faze me and that I will now be ignoring him.
Dib: Tell Zim that he ignores me at his peril, because when he lets his guard down I'm moving in for victory!
KidK leans forward and puts her right arm around Dib's waist, pulling him closer to her. Then she grabs Zim with her left arm and hugs both her friends tight.
KidK: I love you guys. What would I do without you?
Mike-the-Brother: You'd shut up and watch the movie.
KidK: Oh. Right.
She shuts up and watches the movie. Fast forward past quite a large chunk of the movie.
Tim da Enchanter: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Squee: One time…one time there was this rabbit in my yard…and it was…looking at me!
Sir Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Squee: And it had red eyes…just like the rabbit in the movie…
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Squee: And Shmee said that if I got near it…it'd jump up and bite my—
The Dread Rabbit of Caerbannog viciously bites Sir Bors' head clean off.
Squee: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Mike-the-Brother: Aw, come on! It's not even that scary!
KidK: This from the kid who had trouble sleeping after the first time he saw this movie. Don't worry, Todd. It's all just fake and stuff. There aren't really any evil head-munching rabbits.
Squee: Really, Missy?
KidK: Really really.
'Nny: It's those darned squirrels you've got to watch out for.
KidK: Right.
Gir: I like the squirrelies!
Dib: Actually, there have been documented cases of mutant rabbits attacking unsuspecting people. Everyone with half a brain knows aliens are behind it, but of course the government hushed it up.
KidK's Mom: Stop trying to scare little Todd, Dib.
Dib: I'm not! It's true!
Zim: Why would any intelligent species bother to mutate a rabbit? It was probably one of you stupid humans.
Dib: Remember Peepi, Zim?
Zim: Do not mention that name in my presence.
KidK: Who's Pee—(heehee, funny cut)
Zim: Oh, look, a horrible animated monster!
Squee (clinging to KidK): *squeeeeeeeeeee!*
KidK (all soothing and stuff): It's OK, Todd. See, the writer suffered a fatal heart attack and the cartoon peril is no more.
Squee: Missy?
KidK: Yes?
Squee: You're nice. Can I sleep over with you?
KidK: Sure! That'd be really fun.
KidK's Mom: Don't you have to call your parents first?
KidK's Dad: I don't want to get arrested for kidnapping.
Squee: They won't mind.
'Nny: They really won't. Jerks. (yeah, should be a swear word, I know…)
KidK: And you guys are sleeping over too, right? Dib? Gaz?
Dib: Yeah!
Gaz: I'm trying to watch this movie. Can't this discussion wait?
Everyone is scared into quietude by Gaz. The movie ends with the Noodle Boy-ish antics of those odd French people. Well, now what are they all going to do?
Mike-the-Brother: Time for a Smash Brothers battle! Yeeha!
Gaz: Very well…if you want to get your scrawny butt beaten again.
KidK's Dad: Just make sure you turn that thing off by midnight, so we can watch the ball drop.
Zim: Ball drop?
KidK: It's an American human tradition. You'll see. So, what should we do whilst our two pals fight it out?
'Nny: Well, we could—
Zim: I'm not doing anything you say, pathetic Johnny-human.
KidK (sweetly): Won't you all please excuse us for a moment? (almost as scary as Gaz) Zim. Bedroom. Now.
She grabs him by the arm and drags him down the hall to her room, shutting the door behind her.
Zim (outraged): Have you gone mad, woman?
KidK: No. Have you?
Zim: No! Now what do you want with me?
KidK: First of all, shut up. Just let me talk.
Zim: Who do you think you're—
KidK: Shut up!
Zim: ………………………….
KidK: Better. Now, I'm going to tell you right now—stop being so nasty to Johnny. He's not dangerous, he's not scary, he's never done anything to hurt or offend any of us, you included. So cut it out. This is supposed to be a fun night of fun, and I don't want anything to ruin it. Now, if you want to say something, you may.
Zim: Fine. This is what I have to say: I don't understand why you have to always get him involved with everything. We were all just fine without him.
KidK (realization dawning): Ohhhhh…Zim, he's my friend. But I've never meant to make you feel left out. Ever. We've done everything together from dooming people to riding the ferris wheel to accidentally getting engaged, and no matter how many friends I might accumulate, you'll always be my best friend. I'll always have time for you when you need me. Anything you want, you can always ask me.
Zim: …thank you. And I of course extend the same offer to you. You're right that we've been through a lot together, and it's the least I can do to pay you back.
KidK: Awwwwww! That's the Zimmy I love!
Zim: Hey, don't get any ideas! (no one can escape the hug of pure glee! ^_^) No, no, not with the touching! *sigh* I suppose I owe you an apology.
KidK: No, you owe Johnny an apology. But I think if you go out there and just suddenly say, 'Sorry for being a creep,' he's gonna know I told you to say it, and it won't 'count.' So just be a little nicer from now on.
Zim: I don't have to be nice to the Dib-monkey too, do I?
KidK: No, your rivalry makes me smile. You guys wouldn't be you guys if you didn't fight all the time.
Mike-the-Brother (in the living room): Look out! My finishing move!
Gaz: Finish yourself!
KidK: And speaking of fighting…sounds like the battle's getting good. Come on, let's go watch Mike lose humiliatingly again.
Zim: Very well. (he shivers) Tallest, I didn't realize how cold it is in this stupid house!
KidK: Hee, that's cuz you've been all wrapped up in towels for so long! I on the other hand am quite comfy! Don't worry, I'll bring us a blanket. You go on ahead.
Zim goes back out to the couch, where he is greeted with happy words of love by his best friend Dib:
Dib: Aw, I was hoping she finished you off!
'Nny: Missy would never do that. She loves him.
Dib: Oh, right, I forgot. You guys probably just kissed and made up, right?
KidK's Dad (who had been reading Newsweek): Who's been kissing my daughter?!
Gir (waving his arms wildly): Meeeeeeee!
KidK's Dad: Oh, well. No problem, then.
Gir: Kissy kissy! I'll go get the mistletoe!
KidK's Mom: Oh no. We're not going to have a repeat of Christmas, Gir.
Zim: It took up so much of my precious time to fix your head!
Flash back to Christmas morning! The six people (and Irkens and SIRs) who live in the house are just lounging around amidst a huge mess of ripped wrapping paper and boxes, surveying their respective hoards of presents. There is a knock at the door.
Gir: Iiiiiii'll get it! (he answers the door) Dibby! Gazzy! Merry Kissmiss! Heehee!
Dib: Hello, Gir. Hey, what've you got behind your back?
Gir (pulls out mistletoe): A pretty plant! Wa-ha! Mommy hanged it from the ceiling, but I wanted to play with it!
Dib: Ack! That's…mistletoe! You hafta kiss if you stand under it!
Gaz (smacking Dib): Why'd you have to go and tell him, stupid?
Later on in the day, while the group watches 'A Christmas Story' for the fifth time…
Zim: Okay, remind me again—why did that earth-monkey lick the pole?
KidK: It was a triple dog dare!
Gir (springing out from behind the couch): I'm a elf! I gots kisses for yoooou!
Zim (resisting Gir's kisses): No, Gir, cut that out!
Gir: But we're under the misly-toes! I'm gonna kiss Missy too!
KidK: Gir, you're so crazy. I give you kiss of luv. (she does so)
Dib: Heeey…the way Gir's hanging over the back of the couch, you're all under the mistletoe. Meaning…
Mike-the-Brother: KidK and Zim hafta kiss too!
Gir: Yaaaaaaay!
Zim: No, Gir, that's bad.
Dib: Aw, come on, you know you want to.
Zim: I most certainly do not!
During the ensuing argument, Gir creeps along the back of the couch until he is above Gaz, who is quietly playing the new GameBoy Advance game Mike gave her for Christmas.
Gir: Kiss me, Gazzy baybeh!
Gaz: Gir, Gir you little freak! Get off me! You made me die! Noooooo!
Mike-the-Brother: Ha ha, you died.
Gaz (beating Gir repeatedly in the head): You! Made! Me! Die! I! Will! Destroy! You!
Gir: Gazzy loves meeeeee! Whee!
Flash to the present!
'Nny: So that's why Gir had that giant dent in his head that night…he didn't learn his lesson, though.
Zim: What do you mean?
'Nny: When I came over to give Missy her present, Gir climbed up on her bookcase and held that stupid plant over our heads.
Dib: You didn't…
'Nny: *sigh* I did.
Dib: ……………………………….
'Nny: What can I say? There was unexpected motion next to me and I panicked.
Zim: Well that at least explains the gash I had to fix.
Dib: What?
KidK (returning with the promised blanket): 'Nny accidentally stabbed Gir in the head.
Gir: That was fun!
Dib: Ohhhhh. I thought…nevermind.
Gaz: Why won't you just give up and die, already?
Mike-the-Brother: This time, I'm gonna win for sure!
Gaz: Yeah, right!
Mike-the-Brother: You're the one who should die!
KidK's Mom: Now, now, no fighting.
Mike-the-Brother: Mom! That's what the game's about!
KidK's Mom: I know that, smart guy. I also know that you're playing with my permission.
Mike-the-Brother: Aw, Mom! You're distracting me!
Gaz: Keep it up, Mrs. KidK's Mom!
Mike-the-Brother: You'd take advantage of my distraction like that? Opportunist!
Gaz: Hey, I work with whatever I've got. Anyway, (mumbling) you're playing a lot better than usual.
Mike-the-Brother: What was that?
Gaz: I said I'm gonna kill you! Ness is goin' down!
Mike-the-Brother: Not before Samus does!
Hmmmm, why does this battle seem familiar? Oh, yeah, that's right! Of Battles, Blasters, and Brainfreezys! Maybe they'll actually get to finish their fight this time!
Squee: This game looks fun. They fight, but there's no icky blood an' guts!
KidK: Yeah, I hate those battle games with the really graphic…graphics. Not that they're corrupting the youth or anything, but who wants to see blood fly out of animated characters' heads when they get kicked?
'Nny: People just love gore. Well…unless it's their gore…heheh. Those games are all unrealistic anyway.
KidK: I like Legend of Zelda best. Them enemies just keep coming back! Feeding my insatiable need for Rupees! Wahahahahaaaaa!
Mike-the-Brother: Shut up, Melissa! No one wants to hear about your stupid 'Rupee quests!'
KidK: But it's so fun to just wander around aimlessly collecting needless money when you should be saving the world! Fishing is a good waste of time, too.
Zim: Ugh, those fish…they always act like they're gonna bite but then they swim away! How dare they disdain the bait of Zim!
Dib: You played Ocarina of Time?
Zim: Yes, and I defeated it just as I will one day defeat your planet's armed forces.
Squee: This kid I know—his name's Pepito—says that the army is under the control of Satan.
KidK: That's not Satan, it's just 'ole Gee Dubya. (www.bushorchimp.com!)
Squee: No, no, I mean really Satan! Pepito would know, cuz that's his dad!
KidK: Pepito is Bush's son?
Squee: He's Satan's son!
Dib: Really? You know the Antichrist? Where does he live? Did he tell you his weaknesses? Do you have any pictures?! Mysterious Mysteries would probably pay big money for proof that the Devil really exists!
Gaz: Well, we're down to one life each.
Mike-the-Brother: Yes, and you won't have any soon! Hey, everybody just shut up for a few minutes while I beat Gaz!
Gaz: You mean while you get beaten by Gaz!
KidK: Oooo, this should be a good show!
Gir: Gooooo Mikey!
Gaz: What did you say?!
Gir: Gooooo Gazzy!
Gaz: Better.
KidK's Mom: Are you kids almost done there?
KidK's Dad: Yeah, it's getting close to midnight, you know.
Zim: I don't want to miss the human ball-dropping event—it might prove useful to my mission.
Mike-the-Brother: I said shut up! We've gotta concentrate here!
While Mike is somewhat distracted, Ness get clobbered by a series of downward kicks by Samus. The huge-headed child quickly recovers, however, and proceeds to smash his android opponent in the head with a fierce yo-yo attack. Samus retreats to a high ledge to charge up her energy blaster, and Ness gets shot by it when he tries a frontal assault. After flying through the air to land with a thud on the other side of the arena, the boy gets hold of a home-run bat item.
Mike-the-Brother: Ha! Get anywhere near me now and I'll knock you into oblivion with one hit!
Gaz: That's if you can manage to catch me off guard with a smash attack. And I don't let my guard down! Besides, I can always hit you from above with this!
Samus begins dropping little bombs on Ness's head. Ness simply begins chasing the mech woman around the arena, waving the bat in an attempt to pull off the dreaded smash attack.
Gaz: You don't scare me!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, look, Gaz! A recovery heart! You probably wish you could get it, since you have over 200 damage points, don't you?
Gaz: Did you think I'd let you have it?
Mike-the-Brother: No, of course not. I wouldn't drop this bat for anything. I like a challenge. So come and get the heart.
Gaz: Man, you're stupid! And to think I thought you were getting better at this!
Mike-the-Brother: Come and get it…if you can.
Ness drops off the ledge to stand right next to the heart. Now, if Samus comes close enough to retrieve the item, she'll be in direct line to get hit with the home run bat's smash attack.
Gaz: Good. Very good. But not good enough!
Samus dashes in to pick up the heart. Ness smash attacks her, but because Gaz had racked up so much damage, the heart is still replenishing her life energy—and thus rendering her invincible—when the attack connects.
Gaz: See, you forgot about that, didn't you!
Mike-the-Brother: This is all part of my master plan, you know. So catch me if you can, oh mighty game master!
Ness jumps up to the highest ledge on the screen, and then just stands there. Gaz, snickering at the simplicity of her opponent's strategy, follows, preparing to use an upward kick attack to hit him from below. However, just at the last instant, Ness jumps out of the way, and Samus instead finds herself touching…
Mike-the-Brother: Wheeeeee-hoo! You hit my motion sensor bomb! No one can survive that! (he throws his controller down, leaps to his feet, and does a Gir-like victory dance) I win I win I win! I beatcha beatcha beatcha!
Gaz (totally stunned): I……………………………..lost?
Dib: Wow! Mike finally beat Gaz!
KidK: This is the beginning of a whole new era!
'Nny: I'm sorry? Is this strange?
KidK: Yeah! Mike and Gaz have had this game rivalry since the first time they met, and since Gaz is the baddest gamer around, Mike has never ever won a game against her before!
Zim: Oh, why couldn't I have bet with Dib on this game?! Mike-beast! Why didn't you tell me you were going to actually win this time?
Gir: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Mikey won! (he joins Mike in his dance, simply because he can)
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah yeah yeah! I win! I win!
KidK's Mom: Now, honey, don't be a poor winner…
KidK's Dad: And stop shaking the house with your jumping around. Floor beams don't grow on trees, you know.
Gaz (still shocked): I can't believe…how could I…I've never…
Mike-the-Brother (extending a hand to her): Hey, good game, Gaz! As usual.
Gaz, head bowed in defeat, takes Mike's hand and shakes it weakly. Then, suddenly, her grip becomes more substantial. She looks up, her golden eyes meeting the blue ones of her rival, and smiles.
Gaz: That's never gonna happen again, Mike.
Mike-the-Brother: Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
KidK: Awwww, that's so sweeeeeeet!
'Nny: Is it? Won't their rivalry be that much more bitter now that he's actually won one?
KidK: Probably. But it's still sweet.
Squee: Could I, maybe, have a turn to play now?
Gir: I wanna play too!
KidK's Mom: No dice, kids. See, there's only a half-hour between now and midnight, and you don't want to have to cut your game short.
KidK's Dad: Plus, we're just sick of your yelling.
KidK's Mom: Honey!
KidK's Dad: Hey, I tell it like it is. Like my hero, Bernie Mac—'somebody's gonna get keeled up in heeya…toniiiiight!'
Everyone Else: ……………………………. (Bernie Mac rocks! Watch it!)
Mike-the-Brother: But what're we supposed to do now? Sit and stare at Dick Clark's head for half an hour?
Squee: Shmee says Dick Clark is an evil android man.
Dib: You know, that's always been my theory too. How else does he stay looking 55 when he's gotta be like 80?
KidK: Fountain of Youth?
Dib: Nah, that's just a myth. (heehee, a paranormalist scoffing at a myth…)
Gir: Can we have Rice Krispies now?
KidK's Mom: Oh, yeah, I forgot! Can somebody get the bowl?
Mike-the-Brother: I'll get it!
KidK: Who wants brainfreezy? I've got Key Lime this week.
Gir: Meeeeee!
Squee: Me, please.
'Nny: How can I say no?
Dib: I'll take one.
Gaz: Me too.
Zim: May as well.
Mike-the-Brother: You better get me one too, sis.
KidK: Mom? Dad? Brainfreezy?
KidK's Dad: Sure, why not? (Dad likes brainfreezys ^.^)
KidK's Mom: No…they give me a headache.
KidK: Mom, you're our only holdout. So that's nine. I'd better bring a tray.
Soon enough, the gang is enjoying Rice Krispy Treats and brainfreezys. Do these things really go together? Possibly not in the realm of haute cuisine, but in the world of junk food anything goes.
Zim: Keep those…things away from me!
KidK's Dad: Yes, please do.
Dib: Yeah, you wouldn't want to end up sharing a bed with KidK again, would you? Heheh.
Zim: Shut your noise tube!
Squee: You make good stuff, Mrs. Missy's Mother!
KidK's Mom: Why thank you! You're always welcome to come over and try my desserts.
Squee: Really?
KidK: Of course, Todd. We like you!
Squee: The crazy neighbor man was right after all! You are the nicest people I've ever met!
KidK: You are cute! (she puts an arm around him and squeezes him closer to her)
Gir: Hug party?
KidK: Yes!
Gir: Yay! (he leaps on Dib's head) Hugs for all!
Dib: Ack! I can't see! (he falls over onto Mike, who collides with Gaz)
Gaz: Stop it, Dib!
Dib: Hey, it's not my fault!
Zim: You humans and your stupid gestures of affection. Invaders are not susceptible to your pointless touching!
KidK: Ah, you know you can't resist it! The power of hugs compels you! (she grabs him)
Zim: Why do I always end up like this?
Dib: So much for 'not susceptible.' You're blushing!
Zim: No I'm not, it's just hot in here is all!
Gaz: Really? Then hand over your blanket.
Zim (clutching the blanket protectively): No, it's mine!
KidK's Dad: Shhhhhh! Watch the TV!
Dick Clark (on TV—if he was in our house that'd be scary): Well, there's just five minutes left until the big ball drops here in Times Square. When that thing gets to the bottom, it'll be 2002. (he always states the obvious; it's sad)
Zim: The ball tells you that the new year has begun?
KidK: Like I said before, it's a tradition. That thing's set to fall at exactly midnight, so people here on the east coast watch it to know when to start really acting irrational and partying down.
Zim: And tell me again why you celebrate the fact that your dirt ball has traveled around your puny sun. Isn't that what it's supposed to do?
KidK: Yes, but for some reason we're still always surprised and happy when it successfully does so once more.
KidK's Dad: Really it's just another excuse for people to get drunk.
'Nny: Sad but true.
KidK's Mom: Hey, don't ruin the spirit. Watch the ball!
Dick Clark: Looks like the big ball is making its way down the pole…you can hear the crowd counting down…Forty-five seconds left. Thirty.
KidK: Hey, let's all count down! There's ten of us so it'll work!
Dick Clark: Fifteen seconds.
KidK: Ten!
Squee: Nine!
Mike-the-Brother: Eight!
'Nny: Seven.
Gaz: Six.
Dib: Five!
KidK's Dad: Four.
KidK's Mom: Three.
Zim: Two!
Gir: One! Yippeeeeee! Happy New Years!
Dick Clark: And the crowd goes wild here in Times Square as the sign lights up to signify the coming of a new year.
Dib: Why do they need a commentator to tell us that?
Gaz: Because you're stupid, Dib.
KidK's Mom: You kids all look away now. Mike and I have to have our New Years' kiss.
KidK's Dad: Quit staring!
Gir: New Years' kisses? I want some!
Gaz: You stay away from me, Gir, or this time not even Zim will be able to fix you!
Dib: Hey, Zim, aren't you going to kiss your fiancée?
Mike-the-Brother: You'd better hurry before her secret boyfriend Johnny does it first!
'Nny: I choose to ignore that remark. (under his breath) See, Meat? I have my free will.
Zim: I'm not kissing any of you stupid humans, now or ever!
KidK: That's just as well, because you guys are all completely wrong! Neither Zimmy nor 'Nny-kun is my boyfriend, because my boyfriend is…Gir!
Gir: Yaaaaay! (he skips around the room singing) I'm Missy's boyfriend! I'm Missy's boyfriend! Gimme a kissy, Missy!
KidK: Whee!
Dib: Are you feeling all right, KidK?
KidK: I had too many Rice Krispy Treats! Woo!
Mike-the-Brother: Uh oh. Sugar-high KidK…
Zim: This is bad. Very bad.
KidK: Nooooo, it's good! Cuz now we can stay up all night!
KidK's Dad: Oh no you don't. The last thing your mother and I need is to be kept awake by the loud noise of eight kids.
Zim: Feh. I am not a child.
'Nny: Nor am I.
Mike-the-Brother: Heehee, KidK likes older men!
KidK: Aha! Ahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Oh, Mike, you slay me! So…who all is sleeping over? We never did quite answer that question before.
Squee: I said I wanted to…
Dib: I will. Though we're not really going to 'sleep,' are we?
KidK: Nah, the whole idea is to stay awake. That way there's no…weirdness with trying to figure out who's going to share sleeping space with whom. (oooo, proper grammar!)
Gaz: Just so long as Gir keeps off my head, I've got no problem staying up with you.
Zim: I'm stuck, aren't I?
KidK: Yes.
Gir: Tonight we're gonna party like it's nineteen ninety nine!
Mike-the-Brother: Gir, you didn't even live on this planet when it was 1999! If I fall asleep, are you going to make fun of me?
Dib: Probably.
KidK: So that just leaves you, 'Nny-kun. Are you staying?
'Nny: Hey, I don't usually sleep anyway, so why not be awake with you?
KidK: I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why don't you sleep at night?
'Nny: I don't sleep ever. Sleep means dreams, and dreams aren't reality—but once you've slept, who's to say that the world you've awoken into is reality either? Your dream might just include a scene of you waking up, and in that case anything that happens afterward is just an illusion. Oh, god! How do I know that this all isn't a dream too?!
KidK: Because so far, there haven't been any flying clowns or exploding squirrels or fanged, tentacled beasts? That's usually how I can tell my dreams from reality.
Squee: Really? Stuff like that happens to me all the time!
'Nny: At any rate, that's why I try my best not to ever sleep. Life is uncertain enough as it is. I normally only sleep once every couple months, and that's only when my body just completely shuts down on me. Usually only happens when I've gotten too secure with my surroundings, and am thus not sharp enough to fight it off.
KidK: Wow, that's really neat!
KidK's Mom: Missy, don't get any ideas. You have to sleep when you go back to skool.
KidK: Aw, but I hate my bed! And think how much work I could do if I had the entire night to do it in!
KidK's Mom: No. Now your father and I are going off to bed like normal people should. You kids have fun.
KidK's Dad: But not really super loud fun, got it?
KidK and Mike: Yes, Dad.
Zim, Dib, and Gaz: Yes, Mr. KidK's Dad.
'Nny and Squee: Yes, Mr. Missy's Father.
Gir: Yes, Daddy!
KidK's parents go off to beddy-bye land, leaving the younger crowd to their own devices.
KidK: We're gonna be up all night!
Gir: Wooooo!
Gaz: Shut up, I'm trying to kill the monkey minions!
Mike-the-Brother: And I'm trying to kill them before she does!
Squee: Monkey minions? *squee*
Zim: Soon, the entire human race will be my monkey minions!
Dib: No way! You're gonna end up in a freak show before that'll happen!
'Nny: Ah, the joy of children…remind me never to cause any.
KidK: So, shall we see what's on TV?
Dib: Mysterious Mysteries!
Gir: Scary Monkey!
Squee: Nick at Night!
Gaz: Nothing!
'Nny: Anything that isn't Sex and the City!
Zim: Bad old movies!
Everyone: ………………..
Zim: What? I like to watch bad old movies! (it's the Richard Horvitz character in him…)
Mike-the-Brother: The Midnight Run is on Cartoon Network…
KidK: Yay! DBZ! Piccolo! We'll be up all night for sure!
Later, sometime around two o'clock in the morning…
Dib: Look! Animal X is on! (a really neato show about cryptozoology)
Gir: It's Bigfeets!
KidK: Ooooo, spooky…is it OK if we watch this, Todd? Don't want you to get scared or anything…Todd?
Squee (murmuring in his sleep): Mmmm…ice cream cake…no, Shmee, don't stab Gir…silly…(he snuggles closer to KidK) Missy…nice…
KidK: Well, looks like we've lost Todd. He probably shouldn't've been up this late anyway.
Gaz: Hey, Mike, how come you're not defending?!
Mike-the-Brother: *snore*
Gaz: Well, fine then. I'm not gonna play with you anymore if you're just gonna sleep.
KidK: Heh, that's Mike for ya. I don't think he's ever been up later than two o'clock in his whole life.
'Nny: That's a shame. The sky's so beautiful at this time of day.
Zim: Inferior…human…can't even stay…awake.
KidK: Sounds like you're gonna be next, Zimmy. I knew you shoulda had some Rice Krispy Treats.
Zim: Nonsense…I'm…awake…I'm…(he conks out, his head rested on KidK's arm)
KidK: Sweet dreams, Zimmy. (after making sure no one's looking, she gives her best pal a kiss on the forehead and pulls the blanket tight around them)
And then there were five. About an hour later…
KidK: Hey…Gaz? Can you turn down your game a little? All of a sudden it got really loud…
Gaz (who is asleep next to Mike): Uhnnn…you won't…beat me again…
KidK: She must be leaning on the volume control. Dib, can you turn Gaz's GameBoy off?
Dib: *snore*
KidK: Gir?
Gir (sprawled on the floor): Hee…bunny…pffft…taco…
KidK: Looks like I'm gonna hafta do it myself then. (she leans over to switch off the GameBoy)
'Nny: Aw, that's cute. All the littluns are asleep.
KidK: Heh. 'Littluns.' Like from Lord of the Flies?
'Nny: Yeah. You read that one?
KidK: For poli sci. Speaking of which, have you read On Liberty yet?
'Nny: I finished it for the third time since Christmas night just this morning.
KidK: Wow, you must really like it!
'Nny: Are you kidding?! Mill was a genius! He really knows what our society is all about—'The mind itself is bowed to the yoke. Even in what people do for pleasure, conformity is the first thing thought of; they like in crowds; they exercise choice only among things commonly done. Peculiarity of taste, eccentricity of conduct, are shunned equally with crimes, until by dint of not following their own nature, they have no nature to follow.'
KidK: Wowwww…that's one of my favorite quotes! (after thinking for about a second) Page 107, right? Neat of you to memorize it like that.
'Nny (shrugging): I always knew I'd agree with what Mill had to say, but he of course says it better than I ever could.
KidK: I don't know about that… It's just too bad that his theory of ultimate diversity and freedom would never work in real life.
'Nny: Yeah…too idealistic for this world. But still a genius. Hey, I just thought of something. Gir's a robot. Why's he sleeping?
KidK: I think he just likes to. Not like us, right? Up all night!
'Nny: Right!
And so, there were two. Another hour later, it is 4 AM.
Animal Planet Narrator: Moose share a very unusual relationship with beavers…(this was actually said on a recent show. O_o)
'Nny: Heehee, moosy beavers. Who would've thought it, eh?
KidK: Mmmmm…
'Nny: Missy?
He feels a slight pressure, and flinches a bit at the sudden touch. He looks down to see KidK's head rested on his shoulder.
'Nny: Oh. Looks like I'm all alone again, after all. Though…not really. This feels…different, somehow.
He surveys the room. On the floor, Gaz is curled up against Mike, who has in his sleep thrown his arm over her shoulders. Gir is sleep-wiggling and muttering something about pig tacos, and Dib is leaning on KidK's legs. Up on the couch, KidK's got her arms around Zim and Squee, holding them close. And, of course, she is now leaning on Johnny.
'Nny: Another year ended, and another to look forward to. Strange…why am I not experiencing my usual nausea at the prospect? I just feel warm all over. This is quite an event, indeed. *sigh* I suppose…that this is what it feels like to be…content.
He gazes around the room once last time, gently rests his cheek against KidK's soft blonde hair, and, with a small smile, closes his eyes.
~The End~
Well…That's The End. It's The Beginning Of A Whole New Bright Happy Year Of Gleeful Doom. Yay!
I give credit where credit is due: all Monty Python movie dialogue was taken from the Unofficial Monty Python Homepage--www.mwscomp.com/python.html Go there, because it is a silly place.
1/24/02 9:48 PM