Running Away

Chapter 18

Chichiri cringed beneath his mask, and it was at times like this when he was glad he had the mask, because it would be impossible to contain his utter dislike for the girl that sat before him right now.

It was horrible, the way she treated them and all. She had made him take off his mask right away, and of couse he had done it. And then, she tried to get Tasuki to talk just so that she could hear the way he talked.

It was as if they were her little play things that she could manipulate any time she liked.

He sighed gratefully as he stepped out of the room, following one of the castle servants. He was glad to be out of there, glad to be away from her.

"Geez, what's that girl's problem? Ya' think she'd own the place the way she acted!" Tasuki turned around, obviously as perturbed as Chichiri was. "Do we really gotta' do what she says?"

"Remember what Taiitsukun said, no da. She can't be the Suzaku no miko…" Chichiri said, almost as much to himself as to Tasuki. He tried to remember if Miaka had ever acted like that, but he couldn't remember a time when she had. Miaka would never do a thing like that.

"Here is your room, Chichiri-sama." He jumped up, startled, at the sound of the servant's voice, and he turned to face the door she was pointing to.

He was rather disappointed, seeing that he and Tasuki would get separate rooms, but he shook the thought aside, knowing that Tasuki really didn't even know him anymore, let alone have feelings for him.

He sighed, watching as the servant led Tasuki to his room, which was conveniently located right next door, but still, it wasn't the same…

What happened to you, Tasuki?

The question kept running through his mind over and over again. What could possibly have happened to do this? How could he completely forget him like this?

Over the past nine years, his longings for the firey-haired bandit had begun to die out, at least a little, but now they were starting up anew. How was he going to be able to hold it in much longer?

You're a monk, you're not supposed to get involved like this anyway. You should just… you should just forget it. It seems like Tasuki already has, so you might as well let it go as well…

It didn't work. All the thoughts that he kept telling himself, all the things that he tried to convince himself just didn't have any effect.

He suddenly realized that he was just standing there in the middle of the hall, watching the servant showing Tasuki his room, well, at least he did. But that was a couple of minutes ago, and now Tasuki was just giving him a strange look.

"Um… Chichiri? You okay?" He waved his hand out to try to snap the monk out of whatever la-la land he had entered.

Chichiri jumped back, a bit startled, suddenly realizing that he had been staring. "Oh, yeah... I'm just a little tired, no da." He could feel his face flush, but because of his mask it didn't show.

Thank Suzaku for little favors.

"I'm just going to go into my room now, no da. Hehe…" He slowly inched his way towards the door and then stepped into his room. Back in the hall, Tasuki just shrugged his shoulders and went into his room.

Chichiri sat down on his bed, his hands held tightly in his lap. He just sat there, millions of thoughts running through his head. Millions of questions that couldn't be answered… at least not by him.

He groggily stood up, suddenly realizing how tired he really was. He walked over to a small chair that was located in the corner of the room and slipped off his boots, setting them down under the chair. Then he reached up and pulled his kesa over his head, folding it neatly down on the chair. He also took off his mask, knowing that he wouldn't need it in the privacy of his own room. His kasa was the last thing that he set down, place carefully on top of his kesa.

He stretched his arms above his head and walked back over to his bed, where he slowly pulled back the covers. He sat down on the bed, and then brought the covers up, holding them up next to his chin.

Finally, he reached over and switched off the light that sat on his bedside table, blanketing the room in darkness.

Lying there in the dark made him feel even more lonely than he had felt before, somehow, but he welcomed the sleep that it would bring.

He reached out his hands, longing to feel that other presence in between them, to feel the warmth of another body. But not just anyone… it had to be him. He was the only one who he could love… the only one that would ever had a permanent place in his heart.

He dejectedly lowered his arms, bring them to lay on his bed. He absentmindedly ran his finger over the ever-present scar that still ran across his wrist. It was a bit of a habit now. Whenever he had something on his mind, he found himself slowly tracing the pale mark.

It brought back so many memories… ones that he wished he could forget, but that also he longed to keep. He never wanted to remember the day that Tasuki had left him, never wanted to see the face of grief that had swept across the bandit, but yet, it was also a memory that showed the Tasuki that he knew. Not this new one that could barely remember who he was…

He shivered, a chill running down his spine. He willed sleep to come to him. He wanted to let himself be taken away to a place where he could see things as he wanted to see them.

He slowly closed his eyes, replacing the darkness of the room with the deeper darkness that would soon lead him to sleep.

Outside the palace, the reflection of the moon in the lake was being slowly rippled by the soft breeze that swept through the town.

* * * *

He didn't know where he was. The clearing he was in gave him a faint feeling of recognition, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Trees surrounded him, closing him in. The air felt stuffy and moist.

He looked from side to side, trying to find a way out of this natural dungeon, but every way looked the same, none of them really pointing him in a certain direction.

He felt a sudden presence behind him, and he quickly jerked around to face this new figure.

"There you are."

He opened his eyes in surprise, startled to see Tasuki staring back at him. "Tasuki, no da! What are you doing here?"

"I've been lookin' for ya'." He looked around. "Shoulda' known you'd be here."

"W… what do you mean, no da?"

Tasuki reached behind his back, slowly pulling out the tessen that he always kept there. He held it up in front of him, pointing it at Chichiri.

"Tasuki??" Chichiri took a step back, scared at Tasuki's actions. Had he done something wrong?

"Why did you do this to me, Chichiri? You have no idea what you did!"

Chichiri stared back, confusion etched across his features. "W… what did I do?"

"You left me! You fuckin' left me! You don't even know what really happened, do ya'? You don't what the hell happened 'cause you were too worried 'bout your own damn self!"

Chichiri didn't know what to say. Suddenly very angered, he took a step towards Tasuki. "What did you want me to do? You're the one that never told me you had someone else back at the mountain!"

Tasuki smirked, crossing his arms across his chest. "Who cares? So what if I had someone else? It's not like you really meant anything to me. I just needed something to keep me entertained on the road."

Chichiri felt all the air rush out of him. Sure, that's what had been running through his head ever since he had seen Tasuki and Kouji that night at the bandit compound, but he had never really believed himself. Had never wanted to believe himself.

"T… Tasuki…?"

"Yeah, go cry. You should be glad that I'm not beatin' the shit outta' ya' right now. It's a lot better than ya' deserve ya' filthy bastard."

Chichiri slowly sat down on the ground, his knees seeming to just give out from underneath him. He brought his hands to his face, feeling the hot tears rushing down his cheeks.

No, no, no, no, no… this can't be happening… can't be happening… can't be happening…

"No!" he jerked upright in bed, breathing heavily. Sweat was dripping off his forehead; his arms were shaking as he held himself up.

He tried to catch his breath, and he leaned forward, resting his hands on his legs. He tried to get rid of those words… tried to get rid of that voice that was still running through his head.

"No… T… Tasuki…" he couldn't wipe it out, couldn't erase it from his memory. In his mind he kept seeing Tasuki standing there, that smirk on his face as he happily told Chichiri that he had been "entertainment for the road".

He felt hot tears begin to fall down his face, begin to soak his shirt and the blanket that he had tightly around his hands. He squeezed his eye shut, which only poured our more tears.

He choked out a sob, his shoulders moving up and down as his dream replayed again and again in his mind. He brought the blanket up, burying his face in it.

He heard the door open very faintly, and he immediately looked up. He looked through the blurriness of his tears, trying to make out the figure near the door.

"Chichiri?"

He knew that voice anywhere. It was one of the only things that hadn't changed over the past nine years, the only thing that he could still think really recognize out of the old Tasuki.

"Go away!" He turned away from the light that came in through the door, not wanting anyone to come in, especially not him.

"Chichiri… are you alright? What's wrong?"

He could hear footsteps and he knew that Tasuki had walked in, but he stayed where he was, tears still falling from his eye. He gave a loud sniff, trying to emphasize the fact that he didn't want anyone there right then.

He felt the bed next to him go down a little bit, and he knew that Tasuki had sat down on the bed. For a little while, the only sound in the room was Chichiri's occasional sniff. Nobody moved or said anything.

Finally, Tasuki broke the silence. "Chichiri… what's wrong? Why are you cryin'?"

Chichiri felt Tasuki touch his shoulder, trying to comfort him. He jerked away from the touch, not wanting it or its false sense of security.

"I said go away."

Tasuki pulled his hand away but didn't move from where he was. He just had to get him to talk, to tell him what was wrong. There had to be some reason… why would someone suddenly just break down like this?

"Chichiri, come on, why won't you talk to me?" He leaned toward the other again, but didn't touch him.

Something inside Chichiri snapped. He spun around, sending his arm out, and brought it sharply into the side of Tasuki's face. Tasuki leaned back in pain, holding the side of his face.

Chichiri suddenly stopped as he realized what he had just done. He didn't move, his arm still lying across the bed. "T… Tasuki… I didn't, I mean…"

Tasuki could feel the pain in the side of his cheek send little electro currents of pain to his brain where they registered sharply. He held it, willing the pain to go away. It was then that he noticed what was happening.

Memories, memories of all kind were rushing back into his head. He couldn't explain it, didn't know where all those memories were coming from. It was like he was watching them all in fast-forward as they ran through his head.

And there were some in there that he definitely did not want to see again.

He saw all the seishi, standing there, smiling, when everything was happy. He closed his eyes tightly as he was then forced to watch each one of them die all over again. Well, at least what view he had of it. The worst part was the remembrance of the horrible ache and shock that had run through him when they had died.

Then the memories began to get more recent than that. He watched as he and Chichiri left the inn, everything was fine, at least it looked like it. Then he watched himself turn around, heard those awful words that came out of his own mouth, held back the tears as he ran away.

He saw himself at the bandit compound. Saw Kouji and all the guys welcoming him back. He remembered when Seripa had come charging into the room claiming that the certain Seripa that he was playing cards with at the time wasn't the real Seripa. He remembered looking back in surprise as the fake Seripa had just disappeared.

And then he remembered that night. So clearly, it was like he was watching it through a telescope. He watched as Kouji slowly leaned forward, placing his lips on his own.

He sat up, not even aware of the pain that was in the side of his cheek anymore. "Chichiri, I… I… I'm so sorry!"

Chichiri stared back in surprise, not quite wondering what the other man was talking about. The last of his tears slowy streaked across his face.

"How could I leave you like that? How could I do that to you?" Tasuki bent his head down, ashamed of himself.

At first the words didn't register in Chichiri's mind. But then it all came to him. "You… you remember? You remember me?"

Tasuki turned up to face Chichiri, grief etched across his face, and at first it reminded Chichiri of the time when they last had parted ways, but he tried to push that thought away.

Tasuki took Chichiri's hand in his, holding it tightly. "How could I do that to you…?"

It was then, running his hand across the other man's wrist, that he discovered the scar. He looked at it, holding it up to the light so he could see better.

"Chichiri… what's this? Don't tell me…"

Tasuki's eyes bored into Chichiri's, and he quickly looked down, not wanting to face him. "I-it's nothing, really, it's nothing." He stated hurriedly.

Tasuki ran his fingers across the jagged mark, holding Chichiri's hand tenderly in his own. "You… you did this because of me, didn't you? You tried to kill yourself all because of me!!"

Now Tasuki began to cry as well, as he realized just how much pain he had put the monk through. How could he have been that heartless? Why didn't he realize then that both of them needed each other?

"I'm so sorry, so sorry…" He leaned forward, taking Chichiri into his arms, all the while repeating those words over and over again. Tears fell from his face and onto Chichiri's shirt, soaking it.

Chichiri pushed his face deep into the fabric of Tasuki's shirt, feeling the warmth of his arms as he was held in the embrace. He could hear Tasuki's shuddered breathing close to his face, could smell that smell that Tasuki always seemed to possess.

They sat there like that a while, each one relishing in the feeling of warmth, the feeling of closeness, and the overall feeling that everything was right now.

Tasuki sat back, looking deeply in Chichiri's face, studying every curve, every feature. He reached out his hands, gently framing the outline of his face, running his thumb against the scar over his eye.

"This… this might be a little late, but… God, Chichiri… you're so beautiful."

He ran his hands through Chichiri's hair, never breaking his gaze. He traced up across his chin until he held his face in both his hands, gently, barely touching.

He slowly began to bring his head forward, in towards Chichiri's. Gently, he pulled Chichiri's face forward until they were barely inches apart. Tasuki could feel Chichiri's shaky breath as it intermingled with his own, could almost taste it.

He moved forwards the remaining distance, bringing their lips together, softly, lightly. He loved the feeling of his lips on Chichiri's, loved the way that he could taste his essence, becoming part of him.

He wrapped his arms around Chichiri's neck, kissing harder, letting his own lips part slightly. He slowly started to lower Chichiri back down onto the bed, his head resting deeply in the pillow.

He pushed his tongue into Chichiri's mouth, feeling around the inside, coming in contact with Chichiri's tongue. Everything that was Chichiri began to become part of him, and he wanted more.

He pushed himself up so that he was balanced on his arms, leaning over Chichiri. He looked into his eye, watching the way it seemed to sparkle as their eyes met.

He smiled, playfully. "No more running away." Then he bent back down, moving lower on Chichiri's body.