Black and Blue Alleys- Part 9 of Song of Solomon Series. ("Like a lily among thorns, so is my loved one among the young women.")

Isabelle

Disclaimers: BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon along with all the characters—these are used for entertainment. Lyrics performed by Celine Dion for the Motion Picture soundtrack, Titanic, My Heart Will Go On.

Spoilers: "Smashed"

Summary: Set some fifty years after "Smashed", Spike died about seven months after the episode aired. Buffy being not truly human is more of an immortal; she's alone in this earth and her life does an 360 degree turn when she runs into Rocco in a bar one night. Rocco is somewhat the reincarnation of Spike's soul. B/S, some B/Rocco.

Rating: Strong R

Distribution: Please do not take without my permission. The only sites that have my pre-approval to post my stuff is Carnal Sins (cause it's mine), Death-Marked Love, and any affiliate/soulmate of mine.

Feedback: Please!! bih80@yahoo.com

Author's notes: If you've read 100 yrs of Solitude and enjoyed it you will like this, think Spike in 100 yrs, reversed to Buffy.

~~~~~~~~~

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Spike nodded at Connor in thanks as the man gave him a nice glass of whiskey.

"It's good stuff, had it for a couple of years. Only drink it for special occasions," and he nodded at Spike.

Buffy had left the study after the basic grilling of information and she was 'fixing herself' in the upstairs bathroom.

"She doesn't come by often. Maybe every five to seven years...when she feels extremely homesick." Connor said, looking at the stairs. "Or when she's not drunk enough to hide all of her emotions."

Spike took two large gulps as those words burned him more than the liquid.

"She gets drunk often then?" he asked.

Connor chuckled but without humour. "All my life I've known her that way..." he looked at Spike. "Every since you died...uhmm..undied."

Spike's jaw set and he clenched and unclenched his fists. "That's all going to change now...I'm back."

Connor laughed again and patted his back. "Funny, old man."

Spike glared at him. "This all started with me dyin'. I'm back now...she has no reason to drink or smoke or any of the sort." His chest was slightly puffed when he finished his tirade but Connor's smile did not falter.

For being Angel and Darla's kid he sure seemed smarter.

"No one can change Buffy Summers." Connor told him and poured him some more whiskey. "Not even you."

"Oh I can...."

"Can you?" Connor challenged him.

Spike was losing his temper with the man... Angel's kid be damned. They stared into each other's eyes for some time before Spike gave in and finished his drink in one long gulp.

"You're not afraid of me are you, mate?" Spike asked him.

Connor shook his head. "I've seen evil you've never dreamt of."

"And what evil is that?"

Connor drank some more and smiled darkly at him. "Human evil..human evil can be the most selfish, bastardous, filth you will ever encounter."

"You sound like a bloody writer." Spike told him after a while.

"I am a writer...I retired from fighting my way some time ago... settled down, you know--in theory." The man told him, pointing at his desk where papers fell on the floor and a computer screen was on standby.

"A writer?" Spike chuckled. "Peaches would've loved that."

"Perhaps one day you'll tell me your story." Connor said and then turned serious. "She might love you...but you're the same man she knew. You love that woman from long ago...and things that we see in life or experience change a person... it doesn't make the person bad, it just makes them wiser."

"You think she's wiser?" Spike asked.

Connor pondered for a minute. "I think she's smart enough to know that if she doesn't change quickly...she'll lose you again."

"I don't want her to change...ok, well yeah, maybe the couple of things--here and there, nothin' big." Spike explained.

"There's two types of love, William." he said. "A love that loves unconditionally...and a love that doesn't love at all."

Spike stared for a long time at his glass...and this feeling that was burning in his chest--he was not prepared for...before Buffy hit the last step of the staircase he knew he had to leave.

~~~~~~~~~~

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

They walked in silence on the way back home...to what they could call home. He had been quiet and Buffy knew in her bones that something was wrong...maybe it was her. She grew conscious and tried to make everything perfect.

"So... we don't have to do anything tonight or anything...you know..." she trailed off, she has started it wrong and she bit her lip in desperation.

Spike sighed and pulled out the pack of cigarettes he had taken from her. Buffy watched him from the corner of her eye...she knew that type of smoking, she herself had done it many times. When men wanted to talk after sex she would grow bored and the sound of their voice would be heavy on her ears that she would feel as if she were going deaf.

Did Spike feel like he were going deaf? She panicked a bit and quickly stopped, pushing them both into one of the alleys.

"Slayer, what the hell?" Spike hissed as he lost his freshly lit cigarette.

"OK--spit it out," she glared at him.

He almost leap for joy--he could almost see his Buffy...but his girl had never wanted to talk, it had been him with the poking and probing.

He sighed and started to walk away. But being roughly grabbed and tossed against the alley wall made it difficult. "Bloody 'ell!"

"You remember this Spike?" she hissed and pressed herself against him. "Remember the alley by the police station? How you couldn't understand what I was going through thinking I had killed that girl? You let me beat you until you couldn't walk..." her bottom lip trembled but her hold on him didn't falter. "You told me...lay it all on me...you called me your girl."

"And if I remember correctly you told me you would never be my girl," he replied not at all pleased about being reminded about that night.

"Then you said that you hurt the ones you love, well let me repeat it back to you, Spike. Love hurts. And I know you still love me because you know that you hurt me with every look of disgust with every time you pull away cause you feel I'm too cold or I smell too bitter... you hurt me...so I know you still love me." she whispered at the end, though her eyes were almost pleading as they searched his clear blue ones.

Spike looked at her for a long time, small pink lips, flushed skin, heart beating against his chest. He was a male, was his only explanation as he grabbed her face and pressed his lips against hers.

Buffy met him with fervent want and need.

It was glory to both of them. That sweet release, that euphoric moment when you feel like you've found what you've been searching for all your life.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door

Gripping his fingers in her hair--feeling his hard and heavy erection against her stomach--losing himself in the superficial smell of vanilla--cooling her temperature with the stroking of his tongue.

The both moaned as he turned, pushing her against the hard alley wall and pressing himself against her more.

Holding her still as she writhed in want...need...desperation...

She knew she was crying while she lost herself in him. This felt like heaven and she should know. To be in his arms again, to feel wanted by him again it was almost too much...she wanted to cry and to scream at those that condemned her to this eternal life and rub it their face.

Buffy Summers had gotten what she deserved...eternity with the man she loved and loved in return.

But as fast as it had started it ended...

He pulled back. This was wrong, he was hurting her more, making her think that everything was alright when inside he was burning with the need to feel condemned not rewarded.

He was struggling inside and he felt like he was losing. He looked back at her--she was disheveled and panting, her lips were swollen and colorless...all her lipstick was probably on him.

"I'm...sorry..." he said looking down and running his hands through his already messed hair.

Buffy looked at him confused. "What?"

He sighed and began to pace. It was not the pacing that bothered her--it was the fact that he didn't look at her while he did it.

"Buffy," he began.

And he didn't have to say anymore. She knew. It hit her like a ton of bricks...he was leaving.

And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime

"You're leaving," she said almost vacant. This wasn't happening, this was not her, this was not her life this was most definitely not him. Her Spike wouldn't...he wouldn't...

"I am, Buffy. This...this isn't you..." he placed his hand on his chest. "And this is most definitely not me." He looked at her and she choose to ignore the tears pouring down his face. "I loved Buffy Summers. I still do. You are not her..."

It fell flat as she smacked him across his cheek. "I know who I am." She was trembling as she touching him for what would be the last time. "I'm still her... but how do you expect me to be the same when so much has happened?"

He remained silent as he just looked at her...was it pity she saw in his eyes?

"Tell me!" she cried.

"I can't change you, Slayer and I don't intend to..." he said finally.

"You son of a bitch," she hissed. "So what is this? I love you but I leave you? Spare me! I've heard it too many times! And you! You were the last person that was supposed to say those things to me. You tell me I'm not the same. That I smoke and your Buffy didn't smoke that I drink and your Buffy didn't drink, that I'm hard ass and I've fucked more men than I can count...and I've killed...Spike, I've killed humans--so many of them... so that will belong to me for the rest of time...but despite all that My Spike wouldn't have left." her eyes bored into him. "My Spike would've stayed."

He just looked at her for a long time.

"Then I guess we're both different people." he finally said. He looked at her one last time. Blonde hair blowing in the night wind, proud little frame. "Perhaps we'll see each other again..."

She said nothing as tears silently fell on her cheeks but she didn't give him the dignity of watching him disappear out of the mouth of the alley. She felt numb... she felt like she had been beaten up and left like road kill. It this what it felt like to die...to really die?

Her entire soul felt dark and alone. Without realizing it she curled herself into a little ball and began to cry.

That's how Rudolf found her.

Had she been there a day or two? He didn't know but she smelled like fermented fungus and she was sticky with tears and sweat.

"C'mon, miss...no use crying over spilled milk." he said gently and picked her up, placing her in the waiting limousine.

After she was bathed and dressed in clean pajamas she sat in her bed...in their bed just staring at the window. Rudolf came in with some warm soup and placed it on the night stand.

She didn't say anything just stared out the window, silent tears still falling down her cheeks.

"In case you get hungry, Miss...if you're not already." Rudolf said almost quietly. She didn't respond and he sighed and walked out. As he reached the door he felt her stir.

"I want you to know that it wasn't in vain... Rocco's life that is. At least...he's out of hell and I did my job as a Slayer." She said roughly, her throat dry.

Rudolf turned around slowly and looked at her.

"I know it, Miss. No life is lost for nothing," he said gently.

Buffy chuckled humorlessly. "You don't know me, Rudy. I've taken alot of lives...didn't matter if they were good or not."

"And how do you feel about that?" he asked.

She thought for a moment and picked up her cup of soup, shrugging. "I learned to ignore my conscience."

Rudolf made an understanding noise. "Miss..." he started shyly. "Perhaps I am wrong... I've had not the years of experiences like you have...but perhaps that's why he left."

Buffy stiffened and glared at her cup.

"Perhaps the one thing he missed from Buffy Summers was her soul."

And never let go till we're one
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long is ten years to an immortal? A couple of days? Weeks? Perhaps it is years...more than humans. Because they know the extent of eternity. The smell of it. He had been gone for ten years before she made her way to England to fulfill a promise.

It was late afternoon when she knocked on the door that September morning.

The door was answered by a woman in her middle thirties. Pale creamy skin, and wild red hair that was pinned to the top of her head. In her arms was a two year old chewing on a piece of cookie.

It was looking at her that Buffy decided to lose her balls and she quickly turn back murmuring that she got the wrong residence.

"Miss Summers? Buffy Summers?" the woman asked.

Buffy froze and carefully and slowly turned to look at the woman.

The woman smiled and hefted the child closer. "I'm Dionne. Dionne Charles."

Buffy took a deep breath. "I guess I was in the right place then."

"Won't you come in, Ms Summers?" she pleaded.

Reluctantly the Slayer agreed.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dionne wiped the last of her tears away as Buffy sipped her tea and tried to give the woman her privacy by remaining silent.

"I'm glad you brought me this now... I wouldn't have been able to bear it any other time." she told the Slayer.

Buffy said nothing.

Dionne smiled and closed the letter, placing it back into it's old envelope. "We loved each other so much...time passes and you forget... but it only takes a moment to revive it."

The Slayer's jaw hardened. She said nothing but sipped her tea.

The woman looked at Buffy and smiled. "Just like all love does."

We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read the Epilogue...