Warnings: Female character centre.
Rating: PG for minor swearing.
Disclaimer: Me fan, yes? Clever!
Notes: Best read along with the other version of Identity Crisis, because without it, this fic feels incomplete.
Identity Crisis
His Version
by Annie D
the_80s_chick@lycos.com
PART 1
Sakuragi Hanamichi was dead.
"Rukawa… Rukawa, are you there?"
He must have muttered something audible, because Ayako continued talking.
"His internal organs finally gave out," Ayako said. Her voice broke occasionally as she struggled to pass on the explanation. "The doctors said it was a miracle that he lasted that long, but in the end… In the end his body just gave up." Pause. "Rukawa-kun, are you okay?"
Rukawa pulled the phone receiver away from his ear and slammed it down.
Sakuragi Hanamichi was dead.
No, it couldn't be… Sakuragi was strong, so strong, beyond mere physical strength. The damn idiot's optimism and zest for life would be enough to resist any harm that would come his way. He couldn't be dead, that just wasn't possible.
It. Just. Wasn't.
Ayako had first called him a week earlier to tell him that Sakuragi had been involved in an accident. Apparently the idiot had tried to save a girl from an oncoming truck, but he himself had been hit in the process, thus causing a number of serious injuries. Rukawa's initial response was to stuff down the concern he felt in his stomach, because Sakuragi was Sakuragi, and no truck could slow down that do'aho.
No mere truck could… Even if… No, he wouldn't just die. He couldn't.
Sakuragi hadn't been a friend. Far from it. He had been annoying, loud, boasted a sorely misplaced super-ego, had messed up their team's basketball games too many times to count, the list went on and on. Rukawa, who felt his own love for basketball to be far more superior to Sakuragi, had found his usually cool temper piqued whenever the redhead was around. He'd been disgusted at first by Sakuragi's antics, because honestly, he was a newbie, how could he appreciate the game for what it was, and who the hell was he to proclaim himself a tensai for a game he hardly knew?!
Soon enough, he found it impossible to ignore the do'aho. He'd told himself it was because he was looking out for the game, nothing more. When their antics continued outside the game, he'd told himself it was because he'd hated the guy. He'd clung onto that hate like a security blanket, fastening it tight around himself and allowing it to boil and control all his responses, because with an emotion as clear-cut as hate, he knew he was safe.
He'd left Shohoku for the All-Japan full-time after he'd heard that Sakuragi was returning to the team. With Akagi, Kogure and Mitsui gone, he'd told himself that Sakuragi's return would only mean the destruction of the team, and that was the only reason he'd left. Really. It had nothing to do with his uncertainty to how things stood between them after the Sannoh game, or how he'd become painfully aware of how good they could be if they worked together, or any other things. He'd left, because that was the only way he saw out of it.
What would the world by like without Sakuragi Hanamichi?
Rukawa's eyes widened as the realisation slapped him in the face. I don't want to know.
He slammed his fist down on the glass coffee table, sending shards of glass flying everywhere.
*****
"Are you sure you wish to leave?" the manager asked. "You have great potential, Rukawa-kun. You could be the best."
Hmph. Being the best no longer meant as much as it used to. It did hold a great deal of importance to himself as a player, but when he'd looked closer at it, he'd only just realised that beyond being the best there was… nothing.
Rukawa nodded. "I'm going back to Shohoku."
The manager sighed. "Oh well, I can't stop you if that's your final decision. But I'll tell you this, that small team of Shohoku won't able to nurture your talents the way we can. They'll hold you back."
Hold him back? As a player, perhaps. But during his time with Shohoku he had felt more alive and more like a human being than he had ever felt during the past fifteen years of his life. He had initially been afraid of that feeling (perhaps that was one of the reasons he'd left – he was afraid), but he knew he still wanted it, even if it would be a cold day in hell before he'd admit it to anyone. Besides, in the All-Japan, he had been a pawn, the means to an end. All glory but no satisfaction.
"My decision is final."
And so it was that Rukawa Kaede, Super Rookie, left the All-Japan for his old Shohoku High Team. The press had a field day with that one, but Rukawa didn't care.
He had a new goal now, and that was to make Shohoku win nationals. They had been so close the previous year. With the seniors Akagi, Mitsui and Kogure gone, the team only had Miyagi Ryota, and although he was one of the best point guards in Kanagawa, he still couldn't manage the team on its own. Rukawa knew that Ryota would need help.
Rukawa told himself that it didn't matter that it was also Sakuragi's dream to win nationals. That was just a coincidence. As was the fact that it was Sakuragi's taunting and mocking that had made Rukawa feel so damn alive that everything afterward had seemed pale and shallow in comparison. And that before Sakuragi had… gone… Rukawa wouldn't have even considered leaving the All-Japan team.
Coincidence…?
Who the hell was he kidding?
*****
The trip back was all a blur to Rukawa, who spent most of the time brooding. Rukawa was a brooder anyway, but with the current turn of events he decided to go for the all-time record of brooding. He didn't open his mouth to say more than two words to anyone, and that was only when he really really needed to, like to ask where the men's room was.
Back home. Rukawa had lived a number of different places in the sixteen years of his life, but Kanagawa was the only one he felt qualified for the title. His younger memories were all mostly filled with basketball, and it was only at Shohoku did he start to gain new ones. Different ones. In some ways, different was better.
The rest of the holidays were spent practising basketball, as if there was anything else that mattered to Rukawa. He donned his red Shohoku jersey again – of course he hadn't thrown it away – and took to the court near his apartment as often as he could. Basketball, eat sleep. Play, eat, and sleep. Like before, really, but now Rukawa was fuelled by something other than the need to be number one.
I hate you, Sakuragi.
The mantra repeated itself over and over in his head as he pushed himself a little more each day. It gave him reason.
I hate you.
I hate that you made me care.
I hate that you made me feel human, because now I can't go back to being who I was.
Akagi Haruko was the first person to discover that he had returned to Kanagawa, and she did so when she stumbled into him practising in that very court.
Rukawa didn't even notice her at first, since he usually had a female audience anyway, not that it ever mattered to him.
"Ru-Rukawa-kun?" When he didn't respond, she added, "It's me, Akagi Haruko."
He half-turned and regarded her, not saying anything.
Haruko took a few cautious steps toward him. "What are you doing here? I thought you were practising for the All-Japan team."
Rukawa shook his head briefly.
"You left the team?" Haruko asked, eyes widening.
A brief nod.
"Why?"
Rukawa turned away and made a shot. He half-shrugged carelessly.
Haruko was quiet as Rukawa went to pick up his ball. Suddenly she spurted, "Do you know what happened to Sakuragi-kun?"
Rukawa looked at her and gave a brisk nod.
Haruko's eyes glistened with tears. "I… I know he wasn't really your friend, but…"
I know. He wasn't my friend. But he wedged his way into my world, and now he's gone I finally understand what loss feels like. K'so.
Not thinking clearly, Rukawa stepped up to Haruko and patted her head briefly. She looked up at him in shock, tears now streaking her cheeks, and she blushed. Rukawa quickly took his hand away as she dabbed at her tears. "Rukawa-kun, are you coming back to Shohoku?"
He nodded.
Haruko smiled, the blush working its way across her face. "Thank you."
Rukawa looked away. I'm not doing it for you.
"Rukawa-kun, what happened to your hand?" Haruko exclaimed, suddenly noticing his bandaged left hand.
He shrugged and walked away to continue his practice. Haruko watched him for a while, and when it became clear he was going to ignore her presence no matter what she did, she left. Rukawa gripped the ball tightly, ignoring the sparkles of pain in his almost-healed-but-still-injured left hand.
I hate you, Sakuragi.
*****
So things hadn't changed much, not even in school. Sleeping during classes, practice after classes, practice after school, more sleep.
Miyagi Ryota, new captain of the team, had his work cut out for him since he himself had to put aside his own troublemaking tendencies for the good of the team. Ayako was her usual fan-slapping self; Haruko was the new assistant team manager who managed her own responsibilities alongside hunting down new players.
Rukawa was vaguely aware of the addition of four freshmen and a sophomore into the team, two of who were pretty good. He didn't bother remembering their names since there really wasn't much reason to, yet.
All he wanted was to make sure that Shohoku won nationals, and for that he worked his hardest. He'd never fully realised how far he was able to push himself, but he sure as hell was going to find out.
And sometimes, whenever he managed a particularly difficult steal or rebound or shot, he could just barely hear the echo of Sakuragi's voice… What's your problem, kitsune?! Purposely stealing the limelight from the tensai?!
He barely paid attention to anyone else besides Ryota and other players, as long as they were on the court together. If he had been paying attention, he would have known that everyone had noticed how he was pushing himself and if he had been paying even more attention, he'd have known that Mito Yohei – best friend of the late Sakuragi Hanamichi – had noticed the far-away look he'd occasionally get while playing.
Mito Yohei along with the rest of the Sakuragi Gundam did still go to watch the practice sessions they had, partially for interest, but mostly to pay respect to Sakuragi. Watching the team was a way to remember the loudmouth, and they'd all be quick to admit how the team hadn't been the same since.
Rukawa didn't know any of that, of course. He was too wrapped up in his own obsession to notice, and hence completely missed it one day after he had secured a particularly impressive dunk, when Yohei had looked at him in revelation, making a guess toward Rukawa's emotions that hit extremely close to home.
Yohei was surprised, but not as surprised as he could have been.
*****
One day, four months after he had learned of Sakuragi's death, Rukawa woke up with a flicker of anticipation in his chest.
His immediate reaction was to try and place its source. He couldn't recall there being any game approaching, nor any other event significant enough to merit the minor jitters in his stomach. The feeling was akin to expectation, though he hadn't the foggiest clue to what it might be. So he ignored it.
On his trust bike, Discman earphones blaring into his ears, and off to school.
He fell asleep two seconds after leaving the curb, and was inevitably woken up when he crashed into a pile of trash cans that had inconsiderately been placed in what was so obviously his right of way.
Rukawa stood up from the heap and brushed himself off.
"You stupid! What were you doing, sleeping?!"
Rukawa blinked, acknowledging the voice shouting at him despite the Discman roaring in his ears. He sighed silently, not wanting to have to be subjected to echoes of Sakuragi so early in the morning, even if the words sounded much clearer as though they were coming from a real person. He hopped back onto his bike. Damn Sakuragi.
He cycled off, unaware that someone very real was shouting at him from behind.
The words were barely audible as he pedalled down the street, but if he had been paying attention, what he'd heard would have been a girl shouting, "Woi, don't ignore me you idiot!"
*****
It had been a typical day so far, and if he hadn't known any better, Rukawa would have expected the rest of the day to be the same.
He had slept in class, and during lunch break he retired to the school roof for a better snooze. And that was when he first heard it.
Laughter. Not just any laughter, because that would have hardly been enough to get Rukawa's already very rare attention. It was a rolling, in-your-face, straight-from-the-stomach-and-out-through-the-lungs laughter. The kind of laughter associated with arrogance, noisiness and an indomitable disposition.
It immediately conjured up the image of a particular redheaded do'aho.
Rukawa sat up and craned his ears, managing to catch another batch of the same laughter. Imagining it? He wondered briefly whether he really was losing it.
Oh wait, it wasn't the do'aho. It was clearly a girl's voice, lacking the edgy growl Sakuragi had. Despite that, the laughter certainly had the essence of Sakuragi's laugh right down pat.
Briefly piqued (but not curious, because Rukawa Kaede was never curious), he stood up and walked over to the edge of the roof to look for the source of the laughter.
Far down below in an alleyway between the two buildings, Rukawa made out the vertical view of three male heads, one of which was bent over double and coughing furiously. Standing in front of the three was another head, this one female with longish brown hair.
"What's your problem?" one of the males shouted.
"Nothing!" the girl said in a singsong voice before turning to leave, still laughing as she marched off with ridiculously long strides.
The boys cursed. "Crazy bitch."
The one who had been coughing finally recovered. "Never seen her before."
"New student, probably," said another.
"What did she think she was doing, surprising us like that?" asked the first boy.
Rukawa watched the girl walk away dispassionately, then lay back down
on the concrete roof to catch up on his lost naptime. Hearing such earnest
laughter had shook him briefly, but he was determined not to let it get
to him. He mentally cursed himself. I'm not missing Sakuragi. I'm not.
I. Am. Not.