Chapter XV: The Price of Love

The bright golden wave of the poppies spilled over the faded brick of the raised beds and onto the velvety grass. The entire garden was filled with perfumes, each scent a little different from the last. Christian's roses blushed pink and red and white along the trellis, and the trees provided small sanctuaries of shade to the weary traveler. Satine was sitting outside underneath the willow, ostensibly reading while Christian talked with Henry about what needed to be done to the grass. However, her book had fallen to the ground and she was staring off into the large, soft white clouds that drifted over the sky.

Satine frowned and gently touched her slim waist-- too slim. It had been over a year now, and she was beginning to feel more than a slight uneasiness about her failure to bear a child. With all the signs of new life around her, she felt more alone than ever. Christian had never brought the subject up with her, but she knew that he felt the lack of it as much as she did. She hadn't missed the quiet longing in his eyes when watching the Sunday School class play after church. He would make a wonderful father, she thought wistfully. Even if he didn't realize the source of his unhappiness, he soon would. . .and what would that do to their marriage?

Christian waved at her, momentarily breaking her reverie. Satine mustered a cheerful smile and waved back, but her smile faded as he walked out of sight. She had made an appointment with the doctor for later this afternoon. Perhaps he could tell her something-- anything she could do. Satine rose and picked up her neglected book. He had to help her. He just had to.

Christian watched Satine stride into the house and sighed. He nodded goodbye at Henry and began slowly pacing between the rows of roses. Something was wrong with Satine. He knew she wasn't sleeping well, for one thing. Twice now he had awakened to find her staring out the window, an empty look in her eyes. When he tried to comfort her, she pulled away from him. What was wrong? Was it something he had done? Christian's brow creased as he tried to think of all the moments he had spent with Satine in the past few weeks. She hadn't seemed angry at him. . .indeed, if judging by their physical relationship, everything would be perfect.

Not totally perfect, Christian amended to himself. While Satine was eager to go to bed nearly every night, she rarely kissed him on the lips, instead preferring to arouse him, almost as if he were a customer and her real love lay elsewhere--

Christian said aloud, slamming his hand down against the wall of the shed. It couldn't be. Satine would never be unfaithful to him. Ever. But for the thought to even enter his mind. . . She didn't confide in him any longer. It was almost as if. . .

Oh, be reasonable, he said to himself. When would she have been able to be unfaithful? You always know where she is if she's not with you. And with that, his fear subsided. Just a temporary loss of sense, he thought. Even so. . . the thought had entered his mind. Something was very wrong.

Madam Everett, the doctor rose and greeted her. How is your husband, Madam?

Satine said briefly as she took off her hat. How is your family, doctor?

Well, thank you, the doctor said, opening the door to his office. Won't you come in, Madam?

Over a year, then? the doctor said slowly as Satine stared down at her hands.

she said softly, her cheeks flushing. That's not-- normal, is it? The doctor's lips tightened and he sighed.

Forgive the question, Madam, but your, er, conjugal relations are fairly regular, I assume?

The doctor sighed again.

he began gently. Do you remember last year when I asked about any side effects of the medication and the disease? Satine gripped the arms of her chair until her knuckles went white.

You can't mean?

It's possible, Madam. Very. . . his voice trailed off as he saw Satine's stricken face. Very likely, even.

That can't be it, Satine said desperately. There must be something else, something physically wrong with me that can fixed this-- this can't be it!

I can examine you, Madam, the doctor said gently. But I really don't think that would be beneficial.

I don't care, Satine said quietly. Just try, please. He took one look at her set face and sighed deeply.

All right, Madam.

An hour later, the doctor re-emerged from his washroom and looked into Satine's eyes.

she demanded. He lowered his head.

Nothing I can do, Madam. Nothing I can do. He touched her hand sympathetically. I'm sorry, Madam. I'll leave you now.

Satine didn't know how long she sat in the doctor's office. Tears silently streamed down her face as the bright light faded away into the ominous red illumination that poured in dusty shafts from the windows. Shadows passed by the door and hesitated before moving on, leaving her to her misery

When this all began. . .
I knew there'd be a price. . .

Satine shuddered as she looked at the photographs of the doctor's family that lay scattered around the room. Children, a boy and a girl, smiling, laughing. Satine saw all her hopes slide away from her and crumble into dust. Christian would grow tired of her. She had thought that after all they'd been through together, the Duke, Christian's father, Peter, her own countless losses of faith, her fears, that she would finally be rewarded with a happy life. Once again, she had been a fool. What was wrong with her? Why did she keep succumbing to these ideals that she knew didn't hold true in the world?

At home, Christian frowned and folded his arms. Dinner had been set half an hour ago and the food had long since cooled. Where was she?

Once upon a dream,
I was lost in love's embrace
There I found a perfect place,
Once upon a dream.

Satine wandered over to the mantelpiece and leaned against it. She smiled sadly as she remembered the happy nights spent in Christian's garret, the stolen kisses and the nights of such tenderness and joy.

Once there was a time
Like no other time before
Hope was still an open door
Once upon a dream.
And I was unafraid
The dream was so exciting,
But now I see it fade
And I am here alone. . .

 Satine reached her hand out, as if to halt the reality of the moment. She closed her eyes briefly, hoping that she would awake to find herself in Christian's arms, with all of her grief gone. When she returned sight to her eyes, she broke down and let out her first audible sob. The sun had completely vanished into the wake of twilight.

When this all began. . .
I knew there'd be a price. . .

~-~-
Author's Note: I don't own anything. . .although if Christian ever becomes public domain, what glories will result! Wait, I do own the nameless doctor. And the story is all mine. MINE, do you hear me? Mine! (Sorry, I've been left to the company of myself for a little too long) All reviewers go to heaven, cause you people are the best. All flamers join their fellows in another place. : Bad DP! Is hyper and sick and dosed up on legal, over-the-counter-drugs!

Songs used:
Once Upon a Dream--Jekyll and Hyde (If you are one of the absolutely wonderful people following this story, you may have noticed that a ton of songs come from this musical. Why? Because a) I love it b)there are tons of beautiful love/sad songs and c)one of the main characters is a prostitute. Gold mine of songs and it's a great show. Ah! Go see it. You'll love it as well!)