Disclaimer: I am not God, I do not own Babylon 5 or its characters. I am just a lowly servant and hopeless romantic who borrow them for fun.
Being that this is my first attempt at a Babylon 5 fanfic I would love feedback on it and I don't care if I'm 90 if I get it!
You can reach me at: Zaphirah113@hotmail.com
Please note: This story is mine! Feel free to post it anywhere you'd like but I would like to know if you decide to.
Petra
Changing Tides
By Petra
Most people are afraid to die.
Me? I've been there, it isn't so bad.
For me, living will be the scariest part of my life. Not actually living but living without Marcus.
Knowing I'm alive because he died for me. Knowing that I have a part of him inside me. Knowing that he loved me so much he was willing to give his life energy to save me. Knowing that I'll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life. This scares me more than anything.
For the years I had known him he was always doing things for me. Whenever I was in danger he was there, right beside me. He looked after me and asked for nothing in return. And for the years I knew him, I didn't even smile at him. I didn't say one nice thing to him but for all the grief I gave him he still loved me.
I have never been afraid of dying or living but now I am and I don't know how to deal with this. I am Russian, we understand these things; but how do you understand a love so deep that one will voluntarily die for you even if you never reciprocated that love.
I have never felt so scared and alone in my life. Everyday my stomach hurts and I don't want to get up in the morning. Everyday I curse myself for not trying to love him. I knew he would never hurt me or leave me yet I still did not reach out for him. I am such a coward.
"Computer, end personal log." Susan Ivanova said, wiping the tears off her face. It had been only a month since Marcus had died and she was still in shock from the ordeal. Every night she cried herself to sleep. Everyday she through herself into her work. Every minute she thought of Marcus.
It was night right now and already she was crying. She couldn't help it. No matter how hard she tried to keep them back they would still come. Tears of love, fear, anger, and hope. All mixed in together as one. Going to her nightstand, Susan Ivanova removed the ranger pin that Delenn had given her from its spot in the top drawer. It had been Marcus's. "He would have wanted you to have it, Susan." The Minbari said closing Susan's hands around it. Though she had tried to refuse it Delenn was not in a listening mood and would not take it back. So Susan had kept the pin hoping it would calm her down a little. It didn't really but it did make her feel a bit better. Putting the pin back down Susan changed and went to bed.
"Susan, wake up."
"No, let me sleep."
"Susan, you need to get up."
"No!"
"I'll kiss you!" That got Ivanova's attention. Jumping up, Susan lifted her hand in slapping mode ready to protect herself from whoever dare disturbed her sleep and threatened to kiss her. What she woke up to though terrified her so much she forgot all about protection and instead of slapping something she just looked on with a bewildered and haunted looked on her face. The man in front of her started to laugh. Quietly at first but a bit louder every few breaths.
"Well, are you going to say something or not?"
"Marcus?"
"Yes, Susan?"
There were suddenly a hundred things she wanted to say. A hundred things she wanted to know but she could only get one word out.
"Why?"
Marcus looked at the woman in front of him carefully. Slowly he answered her.
"Because I love you. Because I couldn't let you die when I knew I could save you. And because I knew once you were dead I would be too."
Susan didn't have to look hard to see the tears forming in his eyes. She knew everything he said was true.
"I wasn't afraid, you know. I didn't feel any pain. I was going to die and I accepted that as my fate."
"I couldn't let another person I love die because of me, Susan. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had."
Now Susan Ivanova was angry and hurt. Standing up from where she lay, Susan Ivanova took a step towards him, eyes blazing with betrayal and unshed tears.
"And so you let me live with it instead? You're not the only one who's gone though that you know! I've lost everyone I loved too, including you! If you couldn't live with yourself do you think I can? God Damn Marcus I loved you. I loved everything about you. I didn't even say goodbye or thank you. I couldn't."
Susan was yelling and sobbing by the time she was finished. She whole body shook in rage and hurt. She couldn't see anything but she felt it when Marcus pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her close to his heart as she cried.
"I'm sorry Susan. God I'm so sorry."
He whispered over and over in her hair. They stayed like that for what seemed like eternity until Susan finally wore herself out and fell asleep. Carefully Marcus picked her up and laid her on the bed and tucked her in, making sure any lose strands of hair were pulled away from her face. Gently he placed a soft kiss on her cheek and then sat with her though the night, just like he had done before she was taken to Babylon 5. It hurt him so much to see her in any pain especially if he caused it and was glad Valen had given them another chance together. A second chance to make it right.
End
Being that this is my first attempt at a Babylon 5 fanfic I would love feedback on it and I don't care if I'm 90 if I get it!
You can reach me at: Zaphirah113@hotmail.com
Please note: This story is mine! Feel free to post it anywhere you'd like but I would like to know if you decide to.
Petra
Changing Tides
By Petra
Most people are afraid to die.
Me? I've been there, it isn't so bad.
For me, living will be the scariest part of my life. Not actually living but living without Marcus.
Knowing I'm alive because he died for me. Knowing that I have a part of him inside me. Knowing that he loved me so much he was willing to give his life energy to save me. Knowing that I'll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life. This scares me more than anything.
For the years I had known him he was always doing things for me. Whenever I was in danger he was there, right beside me. He looked after me and asked for nothing in return. And for the years I knew him, I didn't even smile at him. I didn't say one nice thing to him but for all the grief I gave him he still loved me.
I have never been afraid of dying or living but now I am and I don't know how to deal with this. I am Russian, we understand these things; but how do you understand a love so deep that one will voluntarily die for you even if you never reciprocated that love.
I have never felt so scared and alone in my life. Everyday my stomach hurts and I don't want to get up in the morning. Everyday I curse myself for not trying to love him. I knew he would never hurt me or leave me yet I still did not reach out for him. I am such a coward.
"Computer, end personal log." Susan Ivanova said, wiping the tears off her face. It had been only a month since Marcus had died and she was still in shock from the ordeal. Every night she cried herself to sleep. Everyday she through herself into her work. Every minute she thought of Marcus.
It was night right now and already she was crying. She couldn't help it. No matter how hard she tried to keep them back they would still come. Tears of love, fear, anger, and hope. All mixed in together as one. Going to her nightstand, Susan Ivanova removed the ranger pin that Delenn had given her from its spot in the top drawer. It had been Marcus's. "He would have wanted you to have it, Susan." The Minbari said closing Susan's hands around it. Though she had tried to refuse it Delenn was not in a listening mood and would not take it back. So Susan had kept the pin hoping it would calm her down a little. It didn't really but it did make her feel a bit better. Putting the pin back down Susan changed and went to bed.
"Susan, wake up."
"No, let me sleep."
"Susan, you need to get up."
"No!"
"I'll kiss you!" That got Ivanova's attention. Jumping up, Susan lifted her hand in slapping mode ready to protect herself from whoever dare disturbed her sleep and threatened to kiss her. What she woke up to though terrified her so much she forgot all about protection and instead of slapping something she just looked on with a bewildered and haunted looked on her face. The man in front of her started to laugh. Quietly at first but a bit louder every few breaths.
"Well, are you going to say something or not?"
"Marcus?"
"Yes, Susan?"
There were suddenly a hundred things she wanted to say. A hundred things she wanted to know but she could only get one word out.
"Why?"
Marcus looked at the woman in front of him carefully. Slowly he answered her.
"Because I love you. Because I couldn't let you die when I knew I could save you. And because I knew once you were dead I would be too."
Susan didn't have to look hard to see the tears forming in his eyes. She knew everything he said was true.
"I wasn't afraid, you know. I didn't feel any pain. I was going to die and I accepted that as my fate."
"I couldn't let another person I love die because of me, Susan. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had."
Now Susan Ivanova was angry and hurt. Standing up from where she lay, Susan Ivanova took a step towards him, eyes blazing with betrayal and unshed tears.
"And so you let me live with it instead? You're not the only one who's gone though that you know! I've lost everyone I loved too, including you! If you couldn't live with yourself do you think I can? God Damn Marcus I loved you. I loved everything about you. I didn't even say goodbye or thank you. I couldn't."
Susan was yelling and sobbing by the time she was finished. She whole body shook in rage and hurt. She couldn't see anything but she felt it when Marcus pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her close to his heart as she cried.
"I'm sorry Susan. God I'm so sorry."
He whispered over and over in her hair. They stayed like that for what seemed like eternity until Susan finally wore herself out and fell asleep. Carefully Marcus picked her up and laid her on the bed and tucked her in, making sure any lose strands of hair were pulled away from her face. Gently he placed a soft kiss on her cheek and then sat with her though the night, just like he had done before she was taken to Babylon 5. It hurt him so much to see her in any pain especially if he caused it and was glad Valen had given them another chance together. A second chance to make it right.
End