**********
When it was time for Janie to be questioned, Wilma told Doyle he could have the rest of the evening off. He was entirely grateful, and sank into the sofa next to Kitty, who was still watching videos.
Driver, check the mirror the boy in the TV set said, but Doyle was more concerned with the sounds of interrogation coming from the next room. I think my girlfriend is laughing.
Is your sister in trouble? he asked Kitty cautiously.
Why would I be laughing? You haven't even *tried* to kiss me yet.
Kitty reached for the remote. She should be, she said and turned the TV off. She has been an extreme little idiot.
Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry if I disturbed you, Doyle said, making a grimace in the TV's direction. Seems like they were about to kiss.
That's okay. I've seen this ep lots of times, and it still has the same ending.
Which is?
They break up. She grinned at him. As for Janie, she knows better than to show off like that. How will she ever be able to explain this to her teacher?
I take it you've never done anything like this?
She glanced at him and sighed. Okay, obvious reason, I can't. She's a lot better at the arts of faith than I am.
But you're the older, aren't you?
She looked at him curiously. How did you know? She looks older than she is.
He shrugged. Just the way you talk about her.
She sat silent for a few seconds, then rose. Are you hungry? I am.
He hadn't realised it before, but he *was* hungry, so he nodded and followed her into the kitchen. Her eyes went to the phone, and she hesitated.
I ought to call Clifford. Can you check the fridge?
, he agreed, and she sat down on the kithen table, dialing the number.
Hello, mrs Jamison, this is Kitty, can I speak to Derrick, please? She waited a few seconds. Hi Clifford, it's Kermit. Listen, we won't be coming tonight, Janie is grounded and I want to keep her company She made a spectacular saint impersonation, I'm sure you'll get the details from the local newspaper I know, she's a little moron
Doyle listened with half an ear while trying to find something eatable in fridge and cupboards.
Can we eat this? he asked Kitty, showing her some potatoes that had started to sprout.
She gave them a quick glance and replied: I don't know, maybe we ought to plant them instead. She turned her attention back to the phone. Yes, Clifford, there is a *man* in here. Gorgeous one, too. She grinned at Doyle. Actually, he's not a man, he's a Brachen demon Oh, don't flatter yourself, I'd prefer him to you any day of the week.
Doyle felt a bit strange. She was teasing her boyfriend with him. Even though she was joking when she claimed he was gorgeous, you didn't say that sort of things about someone you saw as a pitiful monster and nothing else. Again, Doyle got the feeling that being a demon around here wasn't at all the same thing as being a demon somewhere else. Meanwhile, Kitty had moved to another subject.
Yes, I had it done What? Well, I'm sorry, but that's one 'freakish sensation' you'll have to wait with. Besides, I'm still sore, definitely not up to any kissing. She laughed at something the guy said. Are you a muppet of good character where women are concerned?
Wilma and Janie had entered the room, and Kitty said: I have to get off the phone. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?
She hung up and turned to Wilma. Do you have *any* food around here? I mean, look at these potatoes, they're practically mutants. Your ability to not notice the perfectly obvious never fails, does it?
The girl's voice had gone nasty at the last comment, and Wilma stared at her for a second, but instead of replying, she calmly said:
Why don't you order some takeout, dear.
**********
Unlike most of his childhood friends, Doyle had been an only child, and he had been fascinated of the behaviour between family members. Watching families wasn't a hobby he had pursued much lately, but with the girls staying overnight, he once again had an opportunity to do so, and he enjoyed it so much he almost forgot about his own condition. It had been years since he last dared to think about having a family of his own, but now he momentarily juggled with the idea, pushing aside the thought that any family of his hardly would be a model of normality.
Late at night some sound woke him, and listening for a while, he realised it was the phone. He also realised that he needed to use the bathroom, and he quitely left his bedroom, walking barefoot though the house. Wilma must have been in human shape, because she had already picked up the phone. Doyle stopped when he heard his own name be mentioned.
Do you want to talk to Doyle? Wilma said, and then listened to the person in the other end of the line. No dear, you shouldn't feel guilty, this isn't your fault. She noticed Doyle standing there and turned to him: False alarm.
He drowsily accepted this and proceeded to the bathroom, wondering who could have the nerve to call at this hour. When he returned, Wilma was still on the phone. He couldn't hear what the other person was saying, but it seemed to be a woman, and she was rather upset. There was also something familiar about the voice. Wilma, in her turn, seemed mostly to be listening.
Well, of course this is hard on you too, Wilma told the caller. That doesn't mean you care any less. The caller seemed to get tangled up in a long explanation, and Wilma patiently listened until she was finished. Darling, determinism is *not* a healthy philosophy. Just because things haven't turned out well so far, that doesn't mean they never will. You don't strike me as the kind of girl who would take no for an answer or easily give up on your love.
That was the last thing Doyle heard before closing the door to his bedroom. He smiled in sympathy with Wilma. Poor woman, was it always like this for her? People calling in the middle of the night forcing her to play therapist, something that most definitely wasn't her job.
Doyle pulled the blankets over his body and relaxed, but before he fell asleep he realised why the voice had seemed familiar. It was Cordelia.
**********
Taking a five minute break, Doyle stretched out his body while keeping his eyes on his teacher. There were still things he didn't quite understand about her.
May I ask you something?
Sure. What?
That pact you have with Spike - how can you stand teaming up with him all the time?
Wilma leaned back, thinking. I'm rather fond of him and I don't want to see him die, is that an answer?
It was, and a clear one, but it shocked Doyle, who had seen what Spike could do at his worst. But he's evil, you know that, don't you?
She sighed. I lost track of that sort of things after Hiroshima.
The bomb? Doyle asked, confused.
Yup. Thousands of innocent people killed, children born with deformities and cancer, and all of this was done by the good guys. The guys that we had hoped for all through the war. At least Spike is selfish.
I thought selfishness was a bad thing.
If a person has a cause, she started, choosing her words carefully, and you disagree with the cause or with the methods, there's no way of getting along with them. But Spike's only cause is himself - his meals, his safety, his lady. You can only kill so many people to satisfy your own hunger. To satisfy some great ideal, there's no limit.
Janie, who once again, and this time of her own free will, had decided to spend the evening at her grandmother's house, entered the room and stopped to listen to the philosophical conversation.
, Doyle said after doing some thinking, so everything is relative. I'd still say that teaming up with a soulless sod with no remorse is taking a big risk.
I thought I had the perfect solution to that problem once, Janie said, deciding to enter the conversation. Unfortunately, I didn't.
What solution? Doyle asked, since she seemed wanting to tell the rest.
There's this story by Anatole France, she said, in which an old, half-blind priest comes to an island inhabited by penguins. He thinks they're people, so he baptizes them. That causes a lot of headache in Heaven, because penguins aren't humans with immortal souls, yet they're baptized and must be allowed to enter. Finally, saint Catherine of Alexandria comes up with the idea to give them an immortal soul, but a small one. So I figured, let's baptize the vamps! Then I remembered that if you were to baptize a vampire
he wouldn't live through the ceremony, Doyle concluded.
She sighed. So much for my perfect solution. She turned to her grandmother. I ran into mom and Sean down town, they said they might be coming over.
Wilma gave Doyle a quick glance, and there were traces of worry in her face.
I don't know if that's a good idea.
Janie looked sympathetic to Wilma's doubt, but shrugged to show there was nothing she could do about it. Doyle didn't like those glances, even though he didn't know what they meant. Yet.
**********
Wilma's daughter Tineke seemed to have her own key, because she just showed up in the hall. The man in his late twenties trailing her must be Sean, and by his looks Doyle guessed that he was another of Wilma's grandchildren. Not that the man was of much concern to him, since all he did was give Doyle a quick nod and then settle down in a chair with a cigarette. Unlike his mother. Tineke didn't say much when she spotted Doyle, who was currently playing cards with Janie, but her face froze and she gave Wilma an if-looks-could-kill stare.
, she said coldly, and everyone in the room except Doyle knew that she only used that aloof word when she was furious. Doyle could guess. Can we have a talk?
If we have to, Wilma said and the two of them left the room. When the door had closed behind them, Tineke immediately flamed her mother.
What is that demon doing here?
He and Janie are playing poker for matches, Wilma answered calmly.
You know what I mean! Is he a client?
Not that it's any of your business, but yes. He wishes to get a human shape and I'm helping him.
Oh, and why are you doing that? Tineke asked sourly. So that he can go out and seduce my daughter - who by the way still is a minor?
Oh, for Christ's sake, don't be ridiculous, Wilma snapped impatiently. And even if he were, wouldn't that be Janie's choice?
Why? Was it ever mine? Do you think it was my choice to grow up in a house with stakes in every corner? To have Jacob babysit me while you were curing some werewolf, or to lie to my highschool friends about who that gorgeous blonde cockney they saw in my house was? Did you even ask me, mom?
, Wilma admitted. I didn't. But if you choose one thing I did to repeat, does it have to be one of my mistakes?
Tineke's face wasn't quite as blushed as the moment before, and she took a deep breath to stay calm.
All I want is a normal life, mom. I didn't protest when Wilson got engaged to that Torun person, because it was about accepting her or losing my son. But I'm glad they broke up, glad to have a life without any traces of the otherworld, and I'd like to keep it that way, and I don't want any more demons dating my children.
I can't believe you, Wilma said, and there was shock in her voice. To say something completely speciesist like that
Tineke interrupted her. I can't stop the kids from playing your little games, or to meet your friends, but I'd like you to remember that I want a human family, human grandchildren, and if that makes me a speciesist, so be it.
**********
The youngsters watched the two women leave, and then Janie turned to Sean:
Worse than usual, isn't she? she asked.
Bad day at work, Sean said briefly, speaking for the first time. , he said, turning to Doyle, you're the demon guy my little sisters keep talking about? Kitty said you had 'certain aspects of perfection'. Sounds like highest praise to me. By the way, were is Kitty?
She's out with Clifford, Janie said, still involved in the card game.
Ah. Well, I guess even perfection isn't as good as a Bob Marley wannabe who ends up looking mighty muppety.
Oh, Doyle is a fine muppet, too, Janie said absent-mindedly.
Yeah, your mother seemed to think so, Doyle said bitterly, judging by the look she gave me.
Never mind mom, Sean said with a laugh. If the Arch-angel Gabriel came down from the heavens and told her she was to be the mother of the new Messiah, she would give him the exact same look she gave you. She hates the otherworld, it's a simple as that. A severe case of bad pottytraining, I'd say, but apart from that, there's no harm in her.
Maybe that was true, Doyle thought, but even if it was, it wouldn't help much. Even in human shape, he would always be part of the otherworld, whether he wanted to or not.
**********
In spite of the fact that he completely trusted Wilma, in some corner of his heart Doyle hadn't really thought that he would turn back. Not until they had reached that point in his tuition where he actually managed to focus on his hands and keep them human for several minutes. It was exhausting, but what a reward! When he was allowed to take a break, he would have fallen asleep on the sofa if it hadn't been for the fact that Kitty's legs was already occupying most of it.
Getting somewhere? she asked and moved aside enough for him to sit down.
You bet! he answered with a satisfied smile. Leaning back and relaxing - he had become rather good at varying hard work with complete relaxation - he continued: You know, it's funny. I still don't much like being a demon, but this body isn't half bad. As long as I put aside what it *means*, that it nearly ruined my life and that everything I thought I knew turned out to be a lie, well it is pretty impressive. I could wear it to a fight no problem.
That's what the transsexual said, too, Kitty remarked.
He stared at her. Say what?
Well, not exactly that. But she said that when she saw her body as something apart from herself, she stopped thinking of it as a flawed woman's body and realised she could easily fall in love with a man wearing it. Before, she couldn't even stand the look of it, and then how are you supposed to change anything? It's funny, Granny isn't used to gender issues and didn't know whether to take her at first, but then she figured what the heck, it's reversible anyway. Unlike an operation.
I thought Wilma usually taught people how to become animals, he said cautiously, trying to figure things out.
That's the expensive cases, Kitty said. It takes years to turn into an animal, and it's basically luxury, so yeah, that brings in the most money. Then there's the stuff that's practically charity. She has had three women who had their breasts removed.
Doyle thought about that. It seemed like Wilma had experience from a vast number of areas. That meant that even if he was an extraordinary case, he wasn't *quite* as extraordinary as he had thought. Kitty sensed some of this in his expression and laughed.
'I don't think I'm different or in any case unique', she said, think about yourself for a minute and you'll find the answer in it, everyone's a freak.'
Janie entered the room.
Why are you quoting ABBA on him? she asked.
I'm just trying to teach him there's no reason to play Eey-ore, Kitty said.
Sad, are you? Janie said softly.
Not at the moment, actually, Doyle said with a grin.
But he's usually not half-bad at the Eey-ore thing, Kitty pointed out. Who taught you, the Eey-ore master?

You work for him, don't you?
Doyle chuckled.
Eey-ore master doesn't even cover it, Janie said. He's Eey-ore, Marvin and Puddleglum thrown into one. I'm the first to admit that self-pity is a noble art, but maybe not all the time. Cute and all, but how depressive! One the other hand, it's better than the opposite.
What, being happy?
Being Pollyanna.
Kitty giggled. Ah, let's see, how would Pollyanna cover being a vampire? Oh, I know! 'At least I'll finally have plenty of time to get around to reading the classics!'
She burst into helpless laughter, and Doyle couldn't help laughing, too. In this company, it was impossible to stay broody for long.
**********
Still, there were moments when Doyle was feeling less than happy. A lot less. Okay, so he might soon get back his humanity, and that was a good thing, but it wouldn't make him human, and he didn't know what Cordelia would feel like once she got used to having him back. Maybe everything was alright as long as he could pass for human. Maybe it wasn't. How was he to know which?
Kitty, can I ask you something? he asked at a moment when they were alone together. Kitty wasn't the most desirable female in the universe, but she was female, and he trusted her to be truthful, and right now that was all he needed.
, she said, trying to get Fluffy off a bookshelf.
Do you.. Could you ever find me attractive?
Fluffy could wait. She stared at Doyle. What kind of question is that?
Forget it, he mumbled in embarrassment, trying to leave the room.
No, Doyle, I don't find you attractive. As for the 'could I ever', that's not a question I intend to ask myself. I have a boyfriend, whom I love very much, and I'm not going to mess things up with him just to satisfy your ego. She stepped down from the chair she had been using. Because that's what this is all about, isn't it? You certainly don't find *me* attractive.
he tried to stall, and she raised an eyebrow. Okay, then, no. I don't.
But there are people who do, she replied. And my opinion of you isn't necessarily the same as anyone else's. Anyone in particular?
, he said.
She made a grimace. Let's hope she's not what the name implies. Anyway, so this Cordelia, she likes you?
I think I dare say 'yes' on that one, he answered.
But she's not a big fan of demons.

Well, here's a thought. If you want to know what she thinks about you, maybe I'm not the right person to ask, since I *do* like demons, but you personally well, I like you and all, but my heart doesn't exactly flutter when you enter the room.
What if this shapeshifting takes longer than Wilma thinks? he asked.
You mean seventeen years, like it did for me? Kitty countered. Don't worry. You're almost done already.
Why did it take so long for you? Doyle asked. He realised he was entering Kitty-centered territory, but after all that time the women in this house had spent listening to his problems, he might as well pay back some.
She sighed. That acknowledgement thing never worked for me. I wanted to get the hell out of my life as quickly as possible, and since there's nothing physically wrong with me, granny never figured that one out.
What was wrong with your life?
To put it briefly: first day of first grade, I had promised to sit next to my best friend Melissa Duncan. Then Amanda Paterson, who had a golden bracelet and her own pony, came up to me and said 'I like your hair. Do you want to sit next to me?' I abandoned Melissa in an instant.
Doyle remembered moments like this from his days as a teacher, but didn't quite understand. Is that all?
That, and ten years like it. Choosing hobbies, clothes, friends and boyfriends by what was considered cool by other people. We spent a few years in Europe that were a little better, but not much. It may sound trivial to you, but for most of us, that's all it takes.
Hey, I had a human life too, once, Doyle protested. Don't think I can't relate to the trivial. So, you snapped out of it and turned freaky instead?
More or less, she said with a grin. I had a boyfriend that I was really tired of, so I icked him out of the relationship, and then I pleaded for sympathy. Only, I didn't get any. A girl I considered the greatest bitch in humanity told me straight to my face that I only had myself to blame. It ended with me against the entire volley ball team, so I quit and started hockey instead. Funny thing is, I liked it. Then I cut my hair and liked that too, and one day when greatest-bitch-girl passes me in the hallway, she says 'Hey, Kincaid! Happiness becomes you!' So here I am, two years down the road, and I will on demand change my eyecolour, stand on thin air, heal small wounds and *almost* turn into a pidgeon, but I will not wear cute clothes and a permanent fake smile on a sulky face, nor will I ever again date a handsome guy.
Doyle had listened with sympathy, but this surprised him. You don't like handsome guys?
She frowned. Generalizing here - but in 90% of the cases, handsome guys are assholes who knows they can have any girl they want and don't have to be nice. The exception would be Janie's boyfriend Ray, he's absolutely gorgeous, but on the other hand, he works as a dragqueen and has to prove that he's straight all the time, so he doesn't count. Clifford is a sweetheart, but 'his form and face, his manly grace, are not the kind that you would find in a statue'. But any better than him and you'll be entering dragonslaying territory. At this, she stopped to think and looked curiously at Doyle. Speaking of which, do you want to learn the best come-on in history? Just to use on girls who find you attractive?
, he agreed, and she quoted:
Hey, can I tell you something? I mean, this might be kind of embarrassing coming from a guy you just met and everything, but, uh, I really think you should know. Say this was like the olden days, you know - thousands and thousands of years ago. I'd kill a dragon for you. Really I would. I'd get right out there and I'd kill one! In fact, I'll make you an offer. If you'll go out with me some night this week, I'll make a definite commitment to kill the first dragon that I see.

Doyle laughed. Pretty good one. Still, I don't think I'll be using it. There's too big a risk I would have to fulfil the promise.
, Kitty admitted. I don't think it was designed for people with supernatural contacts.

**********
Angel entered Cordelia's office only to see her slamming her own head into her desk. In two quick strides he was by her stride and held her until the vision ended.
What did you see? he asked, hoping it would have something to do with the cult. Her visions hadn't been very helpful in that area so far.
, she breathed.
A snowball? In L.A.!?
Not that kind of snowball! she said impatiently. One of those crystal balls you shake, that have little snowflakes in them. A pretty tacky one, too.
Angel sighed, a little disappointed. Was that all?
No, an address too. She grabbed a paper and wrote it down, handing the paper to Angel. Does it ring any bell?
Not really. But the street is only a few blocks away. Angel glanced at the window. Still light outside. I don't want you to go alone. Where's Wesley?
Wesley is at home, and apart from that he'd be of no help whatsoever. I can take care of myself.
When Angel just looked at her, she sighed.
Forget it, I'll call Buffy.
Buffy knew very well that this could be a breakthrough, so she hurried to meet with Cordelia and see what was at the address. It turned out to be a small shop with the somewhat nutty name Tokens and Things written in green uneven letters on the pink front door.
A bric-a-brac shop, Buffy said, a little confused.
And just as tacky as my vision, too, Cordelia said and opened the door. A clerk answered the sound of the little bell. He was a middle-aged man in casual clothing who seemed a little bored by his occupation but eager to hide it.
he said with a big smile on his face. What can I do for you?
We're looking for one of those balls with snowflakes in them, do you have one? Buffy said
, he answered. Here's one with puppydogs, for example. And here's Cinderella. You know, it's funny, I can't remember it snowing in the Cinderella story. Once I had one with Hawaii palmtress, that was weird.
It's not any of these, Cordelia said to Buffy. It had the virgin Mary and baby Jesus in it, and a clock below. Really tacky.
The clerk looked curious. Oh, so you're looking for a special one?
Cordelia bit her lip, realising she had said too much.
, Buffy said. belonged to her grandmother, but she let a friend borrow it, and then the friend sold it. By mistake.
Oh. I see. The clerk picked up a big box and started digging in it. I got this load of religious things the other day, I haven't had time to go through it yet aha! Something like that? He triumphantly held up a ball. Inside, snowflakes were falling on the holy mother and her divine child.
That's it! Cordelia cried and snatched the ball from his hands. That's the one!
Shall we say five dollars?
Five dollars!? The shopper in Cordelia took over. For this tacky piece of junk? Are you nuts!?
, Buffy said.
The clerk shook his head. No, a beauty like this can't go for any less than four fifty.
Three. We can buy a new one for her grandmother for less than that.
But you won't, will you? The clerk grinned. Okay, since you're such a pretty girl, three it is.
To their great disappointment when they went back, the ball absolutely refused to show why it was important enough to be in a vision. It looked and acted like the typical religious souvenir.
No luck at all? Angel asked, coming into the office where the girls were sitting, trying to figure out the ball.
No, nothing, Cordelia said. I'm beginning to think that we were tricked. Either by that clerk or those awful PTB. What's wrong?
Because Angel had picked up the ball and then quickly put it back on the desk again, and now gave it a peculiar look.
It just felt funny. Warm, and I can't explain it. I feel a little sick. He shook his head. If someone tricked us, it wasn't the Powers That Be. Maybe you should go back to the shop and have a talk with that clerk.
So that's what they did, and as soon as they entered, the clerk brightened up.
Why, back so soon! Did you forget something?
, Buffy said. I don't know Is there something else you can tell us about that ball?
You know, the clerk said, it's funny you should ask. He picked up a piece of paper that was lying on a chair by the counter. I just found this in the box. I don't know what it says, because it's in Latin, but it seems to have come with the ball.
He handed them the paper. It was just a regular Xerox thing, looking like a tourist brochure, except those usually don't come in Latin. The clerk estimated the looks on their faces.
Would you be interested in buying this? I would give you a good price, of course, since you already bought the ball it's talking about. Still, it's pretty interesting stuff
A dollar, Buffy said. Not another cent.

**********
They gave Wesley a call, and he spent a couple of hours reading dictionaries. At one point he asked for a bible, but apart from that he was reading, scribbling and impossible to contact.
, he finally said and looked up from the pile of books and papers. He looked stunned.
Are you done? Angel asked and hurried to sit down next to him. The others gathered around him as well.
Wesley nodded. , he said, pointing at the tacky souvenir, is a model of a statue made in the 14th century by a cleric that served under Gerard de Bretagne.
Oh, swell, Cordelia muttered. A lesson in art history, just what we need.
Buffy kicked her, and she silenced. Wesley continued without acting as if he had heard what she said.
The cleric was well known to have powers over evil spirits, and the statue he made was soon made famous because of its abilities to fight off evil. The writer of this brochure mentions a few cases, of which the most remarcable one was set in the 16th century and quite clearly the downfall of the same cult we're dealing with now.
So what we need is the original, Angel said, who had followed the explanation with intense concentration. Wesley shook his head.
No. The original was used in this manner now and then into the late 19th century, when a sever case forced the fighters of evil to take it out of the church. It was assumed to have been stolen, and when it returned it was put behind glass. Nowadays there is an alarm as well, and the statue is safely protected - and completely incapable of serving its purpose. The writer himself discovered the truth of the legends, and performed a rite that allowed the statue to share its powers with some of the miniature versions of itself. He explains that he wrote the brochure in Latin so that only people really trying would find the truth and no ordinary tourist would keep the magic object as a joke. He also deliberately chose the least artistic objects because nobody who didn't know a lot about the otherworld would ever think it possible that a thing like this would have any powers. However, the miniature Mary-and-Jesus in this ball has the same powers as the original, and on top of it all, the writer, who is a priest, has blessed the ball so that it is in fact now filled with holy water.
Xander gave a slow whistle. Not bad.
So how do you use it? Angel asked.
You open or crush the ball, then take the statuette and recite a chant in Greek. He has it transcribed into the Latin alphabet, thank heavens.
Wesley showed the transcription. It said: Ei tis eis aichmalosian, eis aichmalosian hypagei, eis tis en machairei apoktenei, dei auton en machairei apoktanthenai. Hode estin he hypomone kai he pistis ton hagion.
Any clue what it means? Buffy asked.
Yes, actually, since it's a Bible quote and the verse is mentioned. It's from the 13th chapter of Revelations: 'He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.' Once we've said that, according to the description of the last time the cult appeared, we can destroy the altar and their power is broken.
A rare smile came upon Angel's face.
That's the best news I've heard in a very long time, he said.
**********