Chapter 14: The Truth

Emily came up to Buck who was loading hay in the barn. He didn't see her coming at first and was startled by her greeting.
he replied, and then silenced, awkward. He had always found Emily easy to get along with, but since they came back home he didn't know how to face her. It was wrong to keep Ike's affair from her, but he wasn't the one to tell her. He gave her a bland smile and returned to his duties.
She stood next to him silently for so long that he began to get nervous.
Ike has met someone else, hasn't he? she asked.
Buck had to prevent the hay from falling down in his face.
he gasped, blinking wildly while he tried to think of something to say, anything to say.
Don't do this, Buck, she pleaded. I know he has.
Her eyes were as cold as the sea, piercing into his with a glare that demanded the truth. He sighed, arranged the hay so it wouldn't fall down and met those eyes.
What has Ike told you? he asked.
She shook her head, frowning.
Why would he have to tell me? Ike couldn't hide his feelings from anyone. I know his face by heart, I've known that he hides something from me from the day you returned. It didn't take a genius to figure out what.
Buck drew his fingers through his hair.
Emily, I really think you should discuss this with Ike. I shouldn't...
Can't you at least answer some yes or no questions?
Buck gave in.
Like what?
Well I know there's someone, and that he met her while you were away. Didn't he?

She closed her eyes in pain. Clearly, she had not really wanted her conclusions to be true.
I knew he did, she said in a low voice. I knew it from the way he touched me, looked at me, from the way he refused to talk about anything that happened when you were away. And the rest of you always looked guilty when you did. I've lain awake at nights, watching him dream about her, and I wished so much he could talk so that he might whisper her name in his sleep. That I would at least know her name.
She looked at him, and he felt so sorry for her at that moment. She shouldn't have to endure this. Not like this.
What's her name, Buck? she asked.
That's not a yes or no question.
Buck, please.
He knew she was right, but he felt like he was betraying Ike as he spoke the word.

She tried the name in her mouth. The boarding woman's daughter?

She nodded to herself.
Of course, she said. That kidnapping situation. There's nothing like a near death experience to raise romantic emotions. Her voice was bitter. Tell me, Buck, did they did they sleep together?
He hesitated.
I think they must have. The last two weeks he spent hardly a single night in his own room.
Emily grimaced.
Oh God! she cried. If I ever lay my hands on that little tramp
She's not a little tramp!
Buck was surprised at his own words, and much more at the harshness of his voice. Emily stared at him, certainly no less surprised.
Are you defending her?
I'm not defending anyone. What they did was wrong, and I told them that from the start. But just because people do bad things that doesn't mean they are bad themselves. Sandy's not a tramp, she's a fine woman and I'm proud to know her.
Tears rose in her eyes.
And what about me? she asked. What am I?
He touched her cheek, trying to comfort her even though he didn't know how to.
You're a fine woman too. Ike found you worth risking his life for, and I don't blame him. I've never seen him as happy as he has been with you, and I wish so much I could say that I don't know why he's doing this to you.
But you do? she whispered.
I think so. I'm sorry.
She nodded. He had never seen her so devastated and realised that even though he had had doubts about it, she really loved Ike with all her heart.
You have to talk this through with Ike, he said. He wondered to himself how his friend would react. Obviously, he had no intention of ever telling Emily the truth, and he might not like the fact that she had heard it from Buck.
I guess. She turned around, stunned, and started to walk off. Then she turned around and said:
I'm sorry.
Don't be. I got what I wanted. I got the truth.

She was surprised by her own reaction. Ever since she realised what was going on, she had thought about going up to Ike, screaming in his face what she thought about him. She just wanted to wait until she was sure. Well, now she was sure, and she found that she didn't want to confront him. All she wanted was to return to what they had before any of this started.
But that same evening, when they found a moment alone after Cody's unexpectedly tactful disappearance, Ike put his arm around her shoulders and she balked. He looked at her, and the guilt she found in his eyes made her certain that nothing would ever be the same again. Carefully, she realeased herself from his touch.
I know about Sandy, she said, calmly.
His face was shocked, but he nodded.
How? he asked.
Most of it I figured out myself. The rest I asked Buck about.
Ike's face darkened and she hurried to say:
Don't blame Buck for this, I pressured him.
I don't. He sighed deeply. He did the right thing. I should have done it myself a long time ago, but I thought I could forget her.
Forget her? For the first time, Emily raised her voice. You cheated on me, Ike! You slept with that woman, how could you possibly think you could just forget her? And what about her emotions? How does she feel about all this? Or doesn't she know about me?
She knows. She wanted to do it anyway. I think she Ike hesitated, but he felt a sensation of pure joy as he finished the sentence. I think she loves me.
Emily felt tears rising in her eyes and put her hand in front of her face to cover it. She managed to get her voice steady and her eyes clear as she asked:
And what do you feel?
He couldn't look into her eyes when he answered.
I'm sorry.
No. Ike, no. She shook her head, and no there was no way to stop those awful tears from falling down her cheeks.
I haven't stopped loving you he signed, his face filled with pain. But I can't change what I've done, no matter how much I wish you didn't have to go through this.
I know that. Even though she was crying, she still tried to remain calm. But why can't you just tell me what I want to hear? She saw his eyebrows rise quizzically and added: Tell me it didn't mean anything.
I can't.
They both said nothing for a while, and then Ike raised his hands again to continue.
That's the reason I couldn't forget. It meant something - a lot - and there's this big hole inside me because I miss her so much. We said it was only temporary, but emotions don't stop when you tell them to.
Ike, I don't want to know this.
He nodded. I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, that doesn't help much.
I do love you very much. In one way I love you both, and that's what's making this so difficult.
Just answer me one thing. If she came back to you and said 'I want to marry you and live the rest of my life with you', would you want to take that offer?
Ike hesitated, but then he nodded, slowly.
Well, then. Her mind was numb and cold, just like it had been at first when her father had died. You understand that I'm not going to be second best for you?
Another nod. His eyes were sad, and she knew that she loved those eyes more than anything in this world, but she could never ever live with him after this. She moved closer to him and they gave eachother one last hug.
I'm going to miss you, she said.
Me too.
I don't want us to be enemies, Ike. I'm still mad at you, not to mention her, but I guess this is just the way life works sometimes. I'm not going to allow myself to get bitter. For the first time during this discussion, they smiled at eachother.
Good.

She reluctantly turned away from him and left. The door between them closed.