by Jules Reynolds (Julia@wrenlea.demon.co.uk)
Letting Go contains major major spoilers for "Exodus". If you haven't seen this episode of Season Three then please *do not* read this piece.
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"Letting Go" is a piece which I *had* to write. I make no apologies for it, only to say that it has been a "Letting Go" for me.
If you miss Arturo as much as I do, then perhaps reading this will be as much a part of getting over his loss as it was for me to write it.
The following piece is intended for entertainment purposes only. This document can be freely distributed with the condition that no part of the text is modified, and this notice is included with all copies. This document cannot be sold or translated into any other form without written permission from the author. Some characters and elements of this story are the property of St Clare Entertainment, used without authorization. No copyright infringement is intended. The author receives no compensation from the distribution of this work. Any comments or criticism would be welcome.
MAJOR SPOILERS FOR "EXODUS" AHEAD
The park seemed emptier than normal as the four strolled along the path leading down to the lake.
"We've got five hours to chill out," Quinn said as he walked alongside Wade. "Lunch anyone?"
"I'm not hungry," Wade replied quietly. Her appetite hadn't been what she'd been used to since...well since the incident. She swallowed as a pang of memory surfaced and threatened her fragile tear ducts.
"I'd go for a pizza," Maggie offered, walking ahead of them.
"Fine. You go and have lunch then," Wade said, not bothering to hide the tone of her voice. Since Maggie had joined them she hadn't had much time with Quinn and she was desperate to talk to him about what had happened. Hadn't they always been best friends? Shared everything? And now. Well frankly she felt like a stranger. And an unwanted one at that.
"Yeah, you two go and eat. I'll keep Wade company," said Rembrandt as he put an arm around her shoulders. The warmth was comforting.
"You sure, Remmy? You're usually first up for something to eat," replied Quinn, a look of surprise crossing his face.
"Yeah. You guys get on with it. I'm happy here," Remmy said in return and smiled at Wade. She returned the smile with a weak movement of her lips.
"We'll meet up in four hours then. By the lake where the kids' play area is," Quinn said and he turned and joined Maggie.
Wade watched them both move towards the exit from the park. They seemed engrossed in chat. They had no time for her, and she had no time for them. Not now. Not while she was still feeling so bad. No one understood how she felt. She couldn't let go. She couldn't believe that it had happened. The deep empty abyss which was left inside her ached. Along with the ache had come the tears. Some nights she cried until a dark veil of sleep had come to her weary frame. But none of them had seen her. None of them knew, as far as she was aware.
"Penny for them," Remmy said as he moved his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. He could feel that she needed help and had done for a long time. The opportunity to spend some hours alone with her was what he needed. He knew what was wrong but he needed her to tell him.
"I can't Remmy. It's personal," she said almost inaudibly.
"You think I don't miss him?" Remmy said quietly as they walked.
"You know what I feel?" she asked, her eyes still staring straight ahead of her.
"Sure. It's obvious," he replied.
"Quinn doesn't care, and as for Maggie.." she said. Her voice was laced with bitterness.
"She didn't know him, Wade. Quinn's just trying to hide it, that's all. You know, be the big man of the group and all. He's hurtin' too," Remmy said and stopped. He reached across and pulled her around to face him. "He can't let the emotion out like you can, Wade. Let him mourn in his own way."
Wade looked at his dark eyes. The compassion and understanding which was mirrored there surprised her. She didn't know he had such empathy for what she or Quinn felt.
"And you?" she asked.
"It hurts." The simple reply. He turned to look at the lake. "Listen girl, we all miss the old guy in different ways. He was like an awkward friend to me. Sometimes I could cheerfully have strangled him and other times I respected him more than he ever knew. I miss him, Wade. Just cos I don't show it don't mean I'm not hurting deep down."
Wade lowered her eyes and for the first time since it had happened she felt guilt. Guilt that she thought she was alone in her feelings. Guilt that she didn't know her companions better. She brushed the hair back from her face and looked at him.
"The hurt just doesn't seem to fade, Remmy. I can't let go of the memory," she said sadly.
"The memory is all you have, sweetheart. Don't lose it. Cherish it," he offered her and took her small hands in his own. He looked down at them and smiled.
"Do you think he'd have wanted this? For you to be unhappy? He'd have wanted his Wade to have been thinking forward and not back. I can hear him now, ' Miss Welles, such sentiment is wasted on the dead. Take all this passion and shower it on the living.'" Remmy stopped and watched Wade break into peals of laughter at his imitation. "It's good to see you laughing," he said gently and turned away again. His thoughts filled with Arturo's voice.
Wade moved across the grass and sat down, her back against a knarled old trunk of a tree. Its branches affording some shade in the heat of the midday sun. Remmy crouched down next to her and put his jacket down to sit on
She watched the figures walking around the lake. Mostly couples happily holding hands and chatting animatedly. The children with some of them ran in and out of the trees and up and down the grass banks. Nearly everyone was laughing happily. She could hear the voices clearly and she closed her eyes, letting the beams of sunlight glance across her eyelids and brush her cheeks with the warmth.
The voice came from nowhere and yet was so distinctive and so recognizable that she started to her feet before she'd opened her eyes. She searched the area in front of the lake for sight of him and wasn't disappointed. Who he was with though, was a surprise.
The woman was attractive and had her arm linked with the Professor's. They walked casually and slowly past the north end of the Lake talking intently. She could hear the strains of the Professor's English accent waft towards her and felt the presence of Remmy at her side.
"Is it..?" he asked softly.
"Yes," she breathed gently as she stared at the man who walked as a vision from a dream. He was walking with his wife. At least it was the wife she remembered from a few of the worlds they'd visited. So, she wasn't dead on this world.
She felt her legs start to move towards them. She knew in her heart that she wanted to speak to him again. Maybe they could persuade him to come with them. To complete the family again. It didn't matter that it wasn't their Arturo. Any Arturo was better than none. She knew she had to talk to him and touch him again. She felt breathless and transfixed on the sight ahead of her.
The arm which firmly gripped her elbow was unrelenting. She tried, angrily to shake him free and failed. Then she turned and fixed angry, burning eyes on Rembrandt's face.
"You can't Wade," he said gently.
"I have to Remmy. I have to. You don't understand," she said, feeling tears of frustration well to the surface and threaten her composure.
"I *do* understand. And I understand this. If you go and talk to him then you'll believe he belongs with us. But he doesn't. He can't belong with us any more than you belong on this world, Wade. You have to avoid talking to him. It's better this way," he said firmly.
Wade lowered her eyes and let the tears drop to her cheeks. She felt cheated.
Remmy turned her to face away from the couple and sat her down on the grass. "Don't look around until they've gone," he advised. She nodded numbly.
After a few minutes she felt Remmy turn around and then loose her elbow as he got to his feet.
"They're gone," he said with relief.
Wade wasn't sure what she felt. Mixed emotions of relief that she didn't have to look at Arturo's face again and have hope, and cheated that she'd had a chance to recapture something. But what? It would have been a sham. She sighed.
The dark tones assaulted her ears and her senses. Her stomach recoiled from shock and she swung around to face the owner.
Professor Maximillian Arturo stood beaming benignly at her. "Miss Welles. I thought I saw you from the path. Where's young Mallory then? Where did your sliding take you this time?"
Wade felt Remmy's arm around her waist supporting her. She realized that her knees were buckling. The sheer nearness of this alter-ego of their dear departed friend was too much to bear. Seeing him from afar was one thing. Close up was something else. She forced a weak smile.
"Professor," Remmy said. His voice hoarse and strained.
"Do I know you, sir?" Arturo asked, smiling and offering his hand.
"He's a friend we met while sliding, Rembrandt Brown" Wade offered suddenly.
"Ah, from a parallel world. Fascinating. Well what happened to young Mallory? I trust he's all right?" the Professor asked as he patted his wife's hand, linked in his arm.
"He's fine. Having lunch at the moment," Wade said and swallowed hard. She knew she had to do it. She knew she had to talk to him. If she could do it now then her pain would ease. She steeled her nerves and disentangled herself from Remmy's arm.
"Can I talk to you, Professor?" she asked and met his eyes. It was painful, this nearness.
Arturo looked at her curiously.
"I think I can spare you a little time. Why don't you walk with Mr. Brown around the lake my dear, and we'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes?" Arturo suggested to his wife.
His wife nodded happily and linked her arm into Remmy's as she dragged him off to the pathway. Wade gave Remmy a sheepish grin as he left her. She knew he'd be worried and she knew he was right but she had to do it. She had to have this last chance.
Arturo lowered himself heavily onto the ground and leant against the tree.
"You look troubled, Miss Welles," he said gently as he met her look.
She turned away and smiled. "You don't know the half of it," she replied.
"I'll help you in any way that I can, you know that," he said earnestly and reaching across he patted her hand.
Wade flinched. She couldn't bear it. Her Arturo would never pat her hand again or gather her up for a big hug when things got bad. Her Arturo couldn't because her Arturo was dead. Dead - that word was so final, so cruel. She felt a tear of regret slip from her eye and slide down her cheek to her chin.
"Now, now, it can't be that bad," Arturo said sympathetically and reaching inside his pocket he took out a pure white handkerchief and passed it to her.
"It's worse than bad. It's... impossible to talk about," she replied shaking her head.
"Nothing's impossible to talk about. If you learned anything from me in Physics class you should have learned that," he said gently.
Wade shook her head. It was getting worse. She'd never attended an Arturo physics lesson in her life.
"I'm not your Wade Welles," she said quietly, her eyes staying lowered.
"I don't think I'm with you on this one," he replied, looking at her with confusion.
"I'm from a parallel world, not yours," she said slowly. "I don't think your Wade has come back yet."
"I see," he said and put his hands in his lap as he looked at her. "And the point of our discussion is?"
"I don't think I know," she replied and shook her head unhappily. "I wanted to talk to you again and hear your voice but it's wrong. So wrong."
"Do I gather that you knew a Professor Arturo on your world?" he asked somberly.
"Oh yes. He'd been sliding with us for three years." She looked at him and locked his eyes with hers. "He died," she added.
"And you wanted to renew your acquaintance with him through me?" the Professor offered.
Wade was surprised that she was so transparent but perhaps she shouldn't have been. Her Maximillian Arturo would have seen straight through her, he always did.
"I'm not sure. I wanted something but I don't know if I understand what." Wade replied sadly. " I just thought that seeing you again, I could have persuaded you to stay with us. It would be like creating our family all over again. So easy. An instant replacement. You know."
"Yes I do. My wife wasn't from this world. I met her sliding," Arturo said. "When I knew I could relive the wonderful life I had before, I jumped at it. So did she. We'd both lost each other on other worlds. What better than to recreate our love here? We're not the same people but we're close enough not to matter."
"So you understand what I feel?" Wade asked, surprised by the revelation.
"Yes, I do. Does that surprise you my dear? We all grasp at what we can get in life. I'm no different. But you have to go on with your life. You and Quinn and Mr. Brown and anyone else you meet and bring into your family. I know what I would tell my Wade Welles, if I saw her and she wanted my help. I'd tell her to remember me but to get on with life. Put all that energy she or you have into the living and not the dead. Take that spirit of yours and the knowledge and understanding which your Arturo brought to you and use it to advantage. Your mourning must end right here and now on this world. You must move on."
Wade looked at him and glimpsed Remmy walking towards her. She reached across and placed both her hands on either side of Arturo's face. She kissed each cheek tenderly and then held his hand tightly. "I'll never forget you, or my own Arturo," she said as she let the tears freewheel down her face. "I never got to say that I really loved him or to tell him that I'd miss him. Now I can tell you. Now I can let go," she said as she choked back the tears.
She smiled through a watery haze at Rembrandt as they watched Professor and Mrs.Arturo walk up the path towards the gate. She saw Arturo turn briefly and put a hand in the air in farewell.
Wade put a hand to her lips and blew a kiss towards him. She knew in her heart that now she could let go. By saying her good-byes properly she could ease the pain into its rightful place. Back down where it belonged. She turned to Remmy and smiled.
"You look happier," he said.
"I think I'd say I'm more at peace with myself," she replied and then putting her head on his chest she let the sobs come.
THE END