Golem: You've came.. came to read my precious... yes... precious...
Farmer Shinji: Baka! *thwaps Golem over the head with a fan* My story you silly goose!
All characters and etc. owned by Gainax and other "respectable" companies that own EVA.
A Farmer Shinji Picture
Writen and Directed by Farmer Shinji
A Saint Production
Andrew Close Presents
They All Just Stood There
-----------
" And the world?" A youthful male voice says.
A look of the bright city at night time. Those same three towers.. the ocean in the
background. The sun is setting and the sky is pink. The scattered clouds slowly float by.
" People like to think it is beautiful. Filled with roses and the beautiful things. This
is the theory all parents teach their children. Foolish humans. Life can be taken away
just as it is given." A womans voice replies.
Shinji and Misato lie on top of Misato's blue 2015 type Alpina. Gazing into the night time
sky looking for the beautiful stars that seem all to familiar.
" I was never told this....."
Misato looked over at Shinji as he kept looking into the sky for answers for questions like
"Why he is alive?" and "What is the purpose of EVA besides to defeat the angels?"
" Shinji?"
" Eh.. uh.. yes Miss Misato?" Shinji turns his head over to look at Misato.
" Those that.. arent tought the theory.. grow up ignorant of true reality. People like
us.. are condemned to it."
" To what?"
" Reality."
---------
Parents who teach their young that life is beautiful. Full of beauty, roses, and rich
love. Gah, the bleakest life is reality, the ugly, dark, and rich hate. Dreams are
distorted visions of reality and that they are unobtainable. Reality is truth, that hits us
for the sheer pleasure of the knowledge that we low lives and wish us to question our
role on earth. God, miracles, hope, faith, destiny, fate all of foolish beliefs. What is
the purpose to human existence? For some it's to fullfil God's "Good News". For others, its
to live your life to the fullest. For me there is no reason but to torture our souls. Goals,
less obtainable than dreams.
I read a poem by a man named Andrew J. Close and it went like this:
Maybe mankind does learn from its past
Maybe a gauntlet full of wine is sweeter then love
All humans are unable to prove self-worth
Such sad and fragile creatures they are
Any maybe consciousness is controlled by ours
That hopefully there is no Greater Power
The fools who believe in God
The poor souls helpless to the image of eternity of hell
Maybe these sad creatures have a purpose in life
Maybe there is a reason for existence
Poor children, follow your leader and then..
Maybe mankind does learn from its mistakes
--------
I would have to get used to this. It wasnt like I was alone or anything but what if she
does leave me. I chose this world for the good of mankind. I am my own maker. But if she
does leave me, what will I do then? Did every single soul merge with Lillith to form the
new self. Our higher evolved selves. We walked all over Japan searching for answers and
times of conversations we're uneasy for me. I would have to get used to this. Questions
always filled my head and I couldnt bother her with them. She would probably tell me to
stop asking so many damn questions. Besides, the only ones in existence, how would she know
anyways? But I sometimes wonder if we are the only ones in existence. Its a bitter pill to
swallow, that this is reality. The truth. She asks why I chose this. Why I chose to have
everyone just die. I'm too afraid to tell her my true feelings. I'm afraid she would
disregard me and leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. I tell her that. She then asks
'then how come you chose this?'. I am still confused but things are slowly getting clearer.
I don't want to be complicated with people and those faces. But then again, I need someone
to be with me through times like this. I wonder what I was thinking. I had friends. I had
good friends that cared for me. But, nobody loved me. Does that make up for it? Of course
there are times I agree with myself. I accept they are all gone. I believe they all
deserved it. They're the ones responisble for my pain and suffering.
" Oh my god!!" Asuka screams out loud. I run to her. She is hugging a grave.
... Kaji...
Its no wonder why Misato always cried when she played that message from Mr. Kaji.
" What.. why must things be like this? Why did humans have to kill them selves off?!"
Asuka looks at me with tears in her eyes. I'm uneasy. What am I suppose to tell her? Do
I tell her that everyone is gone. Do I dare tell her that everyone she knows is gone and
that they will never come back. Touji, Kensuke, Hikari, even Mr. Kaji are gone. She curses
at me for not answering her back. I tell her sorry. She then looks up towards me. " Stop
saying sorry. You think that, you can just say sorry for making all the people go?! That I
will never see anyone ever again?! Are you going to say sorry to each soul that is lost?
That it immediately makes things better? No Shinji. It wont work. You got-- you got to
stop thinking that sorry makes up for everything!"
I tell her I'm sorry. She stands up and walks over to me. She slaps me. A sharp pain flows
from my cheek.
" Shinji, we cant go on living like this. Someday you will realize there is a world and
that you do exist and that it isnt all make believe!"
" And what about you?!" I yell back. The first real full sentence I've said in probably a
week. Last thing I said is.. " I should find some food."
" What about me?!" She screams back.
" There is nobody! You cant go on your little half and half tours anymore! There is
nobody to impress nobdoy to show how wonderful you are! Except me!"
I suddenly realize what I just said. What the hell? Why the hell did I say that? What am
I thinking? This isnt a good thing. But maybe it is a good thing. Finally, to tell her
how I truly feel. But..
She turned her head around and looked at me for a second. "What?" She asked.
... If I did tell her, she could leave me and I would never see her again.
" I'm sor... No. I'm not sorry for saying that. Hell. It might've taken me 15 years to
accept the fact that I need someone. Asuka I need you! Help me! Please dont leave me!"
" No dont crawl back to begging! Go on! What is it? We have the rest of our lives to
tell me so do it now!"
" I'm afraid that if I tell you. You would leave me.. and I would be alone."
" Where would I go?! One person cant survive by their own like this."
" It.. it's nothing. Forget I said anything."
She slapped me again.
" You need me?! Dont you think there are times when I wish I had someone to have and to
hold? Dont you think there are times when I cry at night?!"
" Please.. I.. cant do this."
" Do what? Oh! I know! Your just to scared of being rejected! How can you say you need
someone if you worry that they hate you?!"
" Dont leave me... Dont leave me..."
" Shinji!! Stop it!"
" Dont leave me... Dont leave me..."
" Shinji! Quit it! Your acting so pathetic! Gah, stop it!"
" Asuka!! Dont leave me!" I screamed out loud. I think I coulda raised all those that
died due to Third Impact with that scream. She just stood there, she was quite angry. She
punches me and walks away.
" Dont l....eave me..." I feel down. That punch really hurt. I wondered if I would she
her again or not. Did she leave me? Does she care?
I see the nations youth, as ignorant and arrogant fools. Call me crazy, but with the
millions of kids in the world, somebody has to think they know us. Give them that. Our
parents say they know us, but of course they dont. I hate mankind, I run away from so I
sleep. Thats why I sleep, to runaway from the hellish world we live in. I hate mankind,
because its angry ignorance. People see me as a quiet and shy person. But in my mind, I'm
a different person. I call this my "face". My "face" is hidding my true feelings with a
personality that people know and see me as. I dont like myself, I just wish that somebody
is there so I can tell my deepest thoughts and darkest feelings without that person being
ignorant.
I have an image: I walk through a crowded hallway at school. People push me and bump into
me along the way. But without confrotation I break. I snap. I shove people out of my way
and people make room for me because they're scared of me. My real me. The person I've been
hiding. They dont like the real me. The would ask me, " Whats with you today?". People cant
handle what I truly am so this is why I use my "face". This is how I see myself. If people
are going to hurt me, I will run and hide. But someday I'm going to snap.
I got up and couldnt find Asuka anywhere. She had left me, I feared this. I was on my own.
But.. I was somehow excited. I went to the local Walmart type store. This would probably be
my new home. What was I going to do? I had eternity to answer that question. I thought
things ahead. I think Asuka and myself are immortal. I'm not quite sure. The second Adam
and Eve. So, I doubt food will anything to worry about. Got the whole world to scavage for
batteries so my SDAT will go on for quite awhile. I'm not so sure I'm okay with things but
they have to get better.
Sad truth is, whatever worse that can happen will happen.
I lay asleep on my bed in Misato's apartment. I feel nostalgic. I remember all the times
Misato would get drunk. All the times Asuka would yell at me. PenPen whatever happened to
that little guy? Hey! Speak of the devil. The little guy pulled the blanket off me. I woke
up and saw Penpen holding his bowl ready for food. I smiled. What a strange twist.
The doorbell rang and I froze. What the hell? There are only two people left on Earth.. why
doesnt she just open the door. I went to the door and opened it. I stepped outside and I
couldnt see anyone. The door behind me closed and I could see a little girl laughing and
giggling running down the stairs. I chased after her, what could a little girl be doing
here? I got out of the building and looked but I couldnt find her. I turned to head back to
the apartment. But the building had disappeared! I fell on my knees trying to find a trace
of anything showing that the building was still there. It was gone! The ghosts of earth it
seemed to be playing jokes on me. The fact is that nobody exists now. So as they're soul
leaves this earth so does they're pyschical body. The earth tries to heal itself by turning
back time it seems. The water receeded! Time wanted earth to have another chance! The
people that died on earth wanted another life! A white 1995 Toyota Camry drove by. The road
was suddenly filled with traffic! The more I tried to understand why life was taking a new
only confused me even more! I ran around all of the city! That was just the thing though.
Tokyo-III didnt exist then. I was wondering all over and couldnt find where I was. I
stumbled upon a college campus. I saw it, I saw them. A woman and a man. I knew exactly who
they were.
" How cruel."
If God performs miracles then why doesnt he use them more?
The two adults we're in a deep conversation. I walked to them with no regard. I didnt
care if I was intruding. If I did this.. would I change history? What would happen if I
did this?
" Gendo Ikari." I said monotonously.
" Huh? Who are you?" He asked.
" Yui Ikari." I said.
" Excuse me? Yes?" She seemed so nice. I wish I had the chance to know her. Yeah, that was
one of the tallies I used to my number of reasons why I hated him.
" You cannot use Evangelion!!" I screamed out. My father only stared at me with surprise.
" Evangelion? How do yo-- How do you know?"
Things suddenly disappeared into a slurred and blurry vision. I looked around, I was
standing on water. I looked down. It wasnt water.. it was LCL. I could see my mother and
me, I was floating upwards.
" And you.. you'll be alright?" Yui asked.
" Ye--"
" NO!!!" I screamed out so loud that mother heard.
The ghosts of earth gave me another chance at life it had seemed. One more try at getting
life better.
" I miss people.... they may not love me but.. I can try to build something from their
care. Asuka.. I must get her to understand.. my true feelings.. maybe.. maybe life is worth
it all! And maybe those people that are good.." Images floated through my head.. pictures of
Kensuke, Touji, Hikari, Rei, Asuka, Misato, Maya, Shigeru, Makoto, even Penpen... "..Even
if their the only reasons to go on.. I have a damn reason! I cant go on knowing that I will
forever be alone. In my choice of being alone forever in darkness or going in the darkness
hand in hand with friends.. then I choose the latter! Not all people are bad not all people
deserve death!"
Kaoru appeared in front of me. I stood there.. just standing on top of the LCL.
" Would people like to come back? Knowing that what they left behind is worse?" He asked
of me.
" I.. is it so selfish both ways?!"
" A double-sided blade."
Rei appeared in front of me.
" Do you think that heaven is worse then earth and that people would want to come back?"
Rei asked.
" What? Dont deny me! Why cant life go on like it was suppose to? Why cant all life be
back to normal."
Asuka walked up to me from behind.
" Cause this is the world you created! You ended up making things worse for yourself and
now you have to life with it!" Asuka pointed towards me.
" Even if it is to be with friends? Was it really worth their lose?"
" To escape all of it.. to hide from reality forever you chose that everyone should just
go and die." Kaoru said.
" So they did and you cant have it back." Rei said coldly.
" Shinji, what do you want?" Asuka asked me.
" I want life back to what is was before he ruined it all!"
" Who is he?" Asuka asked. " You mean your father?"
" It's all my father's fault!!"
" Dont go blaming other's for your own damned mistakes!" Asuka yelled.
" Well if they cant come back.. then cant I go to them?" Shinji asked.
" No." Rei replied coldly.
" Why not?.... Why not?!!!" I screamed.
" Shinji you cant go to them. They wont come back. This is our world now. This is what
life must be like for us now."
" I dont like it! Its cold!" I cried out.
" People like to tell you that life is beautiful. Take a look around. Nothing is slick, wonderful, cute, or beautiful. Life sickens me. Life is ugly. Life is expanding. Why do they say live life to the fullest? For when you die, who will care what you ever did? You ran a race, well so do millions of people. You got good grades, well so do millions of people. Why do they say change is good? For, when we change, people change and they are different. You may love them once then hate them. Why do people dream? When its all false ideals of a perfect life which can never be obtained. Why do people live in reality? When we are just torchering ourselves, slaving ourselves really, when we can just fall. Why do people come to a place? For just as soon they arrived, they left? Why do people leave? For the feeling of loneliness consumes our hearts?" Kaoru said as he hovered towards me.
"Why do we exist? Is it because we are suppose to live our lives to the fullest and reach our goals and dreams? Why do we die? For if we are to live and love then when why die and suffer? Dreams, hope, love, friendship. Dreams are nothing more but a false reality. Hope, a wish, that can never be realized. Love, does anyone know what love is? No. They say I love you, but later down the chain they leave you. Friendship is worthless but to rid ourselves of loneliness. But what happens? That friend leaves. Everything leaves. Nothing comes back. We all just die. Why do we die? For if we are to live and love then why die and suffer." Rei says coldly while standing behind me squeezing my shoulders.
" Suicide isnt the way. Suicide is killing yourself. But it isnt a matter of what other people thinks. It all depends on the person itself. If they feel they are not or no longer needed, then let them die. It's their bidding. Sure, death is ugly and should be avoided of course. But its enivitable and will come no matter what. You think life is going to be beautiful?! You thought life was a dream? Like a distortion of reality?! Let your dreams be caught up into reality and you find that have nothing. " Kaoru said.
" Did you really think that life would always be as you planned it? Why are we born into a world of chaos, be brought down by chaos, live in chaos, and die in chaos?! There is no Utopia. There is no paradise on earth. The people who believe life is one happy trip are fooling themselves. Happiness is a good thing, yet, it is a foolish thing. It is nice of course to be complimented. But to walk around with a smile on your face means that your open to evil and that you pretend that your strong and you fight it but in the end you end falling. Let the birds and music wake you up into your dream." Rei was making so much sense to me. To go
on everyday only to think that life could get better. So I arrogant I am..
" But in reality, you wake up to that same sound every day, for the rest of your life! Dreams and reality are weaknesses. I believe humans pretend what we are. Before you open the door, you put on your face. You get ready for the play that is life. Life is one big play, you are a character. You live, you die, you eat, you drink, you walk, you sleep. Your human and you have character. But before we go through that door, we acknowledge this. We know, its time to pretend who I am. People may see a fun little kid inside. But in turn, your hurt, you'll never be the same. Because this is our role. To live. To die. This is our life schedule. So why do we even bother. "
" So then what do I do? I dont want anybody to hurt me but I know that if I see those people I'll end up getting hurt." I couldnt figure it out. Why was God so cruel?
" Well first you need confidence Shinji." Asuka said as she took hold of my hand. " Nobody likes a person who doesnt have confidence. And smile more! Your always so gloomy, you know.. maybe it isnt true, but there are times when life does get better!"
" Will I ever see those people ever again? Probably not. I dont have a chance to tell them that I needed their care. I'll never get that chance.. never."
" If God is willing.. you may see those same faces again... someday." Rei said. I shivered. I wasnt used to this life. I was used to my normal life where I went to school and slept.
" I know now.. that even if I dont have love I still have those that care. I- I can try to work on it from there. But who.. who will there be to care for? Will you three stay with me? Will you be there to tell me to keep strong? Because.. I cant do that. Not yet anyways. I'm to weak to tell myself that life will get better."
" You are weak.. but I never knew how fragile life was until I got to know you Shinji.." Asuka stood there clasping my hand with hers.
" So then maybe life is worth living.. maybe it is worth the risk of being hurt?" Shinji stood there as did everyone else. They just stood there.
---------------------
Farmer Shinji: Baka! *thwaps Golem over the head with a fan* My story you silly goose!
All characters and etc. owned by Gainax and other "respectable" companies that own EVA.
A Farmer Shinji Picture
Writen and Directed by Farmer Shinji
A Saint Production
Andrew Close Presents
They All Just Stood There
-----------
" And the world?" A youthful male voice says.
A look of the bright city at night time. Those same three towers.. the ocean in the
background. The sun is setting and the sky is pink. The scattered clouds slowly float by.
" People like to think it is beautiful. Filled with roses and the beautiful things. This
is the theory all parents teach their children. Foolish humans. Life can be taken away
just as it is given." A womans voice replies.
Shinji and Misato lie on top of Misato's blue 2015 type Alpina. Gazing into the night time
sky looking for the beautiful stars that seem all to familiar.
" I was never told this....."
Misato looked over at Shinji as he kept looking into the sky for answers for questions like
"Why he is alive?" and "What is the purpose of EVA besides to defeat the angels?"
" Shinji?"
" Eh.. uh.. yes Miss Misato?" Shinji turns his head over to look at Misato.
" Those that.. arent tought the theory.. grow up ignorant of true reality. People like
us.. are condemned to it."
" To what?"
" Reality."
---------
Parents who teach their young that life is beautiful. Full of beauty, roses, and rich
love. Gah, the bleakest life is reality, the ugly, dark, and rich hate. Dreams are
distorted visions of reality and that they are unobtainable. Reality is truth, that hits us
for the sheer pleasure of the knowledge that we low lives and wish us to question our
role on earth. God, miracles, hope, faith, destiny, fate all of foolish beliefs. What is
the purpose to human existence? For some it's to fullfil God's "Good News". For others, its
to live your life to the fullest. For me there is no reason but to torture our souls. Goals,
less obtainable than dreams.
I read a poem by a man named Andrew J. Close and it went like this:
Maybe mankind does learn from its past
Maybe a gauntlet full of wine is sweeter then love
All humans are unable to prove self-worth
Such sad and fragile creatures they are
Any maybe consciousness is controlled by ours
That hopefully there is no Greater Power
The fools who believe in God
The poor souls helpless to the image of eternity of hell
Maybe these sad creatures have a purpose in life
Maybe there is a reason for existence
Poor children, follow your leader and then..
Maybe mankind does learn from its mistakes
--------
I would have to get used to this. It wasnt like I was alone or anything but what if she
does leave me. I chose this world for the good of mankind. I am my own maker. But if she
does leave me, what will I do then? Did every single soul merge with Lillith to form the
new self. Our higher evolved selves. We walked all over Japan searching for answers and
times of conversations we're uneasy for me. I would have to get used to this. Questions
always filled my head and I couldnt bother her with them. She would probably tell me to
stop asking so many damn questions. Besides, the only ones in existence, how would she know
anyways? But I sometimes wonder if we are the only ones in existence. Its a bitter pill to
swallow, that this is reality. The truth. She asks why I chose this. Why I chose to have
everyone just die. I'm too afraid to tell her my true feelings. I'm afraid she would
disregard me and leave me alone. I don't want to be alone. I tell her that. She then asks
'then how come you chose this?'. I am still confused but things are slowly getting clearer.
I don't want to be complicated with people and those faces. But then again, I need someone
to be with me through times like this. I wonder what I was thinking. I had friends. I had
good friends that cared for me. But, nobody loved me. Does that make up for it? Of course
there are times I agree with myself. I accept they are all gone. I believe they all
deserved it. They're the ones responisble for my pain and suffering.
" Oh my god!!" Asuka screams out loud. I run to her. She is hugging a grave.
... Kaji...
Its no wonder why Misato always cried when she played that message from Mr. Kaji.
" What.. why must things be like this? Why did humans have to kill them selves off?!"
Asuka looks at me with tears in her eyes. I'm uneasy. What am I suppose to tell her? Do
I tell her that everyone is gone. Do I dare tell her that everyone she knows is gone and
that they will never come back. Touji, Kensuke, Hikari, even Mr. Kaji are gone. She curses
at me for not answering her back. I tell her sorry. She then looks up towards me. " Stop
saying sorry. You think that, you can just say sorry for making all the people go?! That I
will never see anyone ever again?! Are you going to say sorry to each soul that is lost?
That it immediately makes things better? No Shinji. It wont work. You got-- you got to
stop thinking that sorry makes up for everything!"
I tell her I'm sorry. She stands up and walks over to me. She slaps me. A sharp pain flows
from my cheek.
" Shinji, we cant go on living like this. Someday you will realize there is a world and
that you do exist and that it isnt all make believe!"
" And what about you?!" I yell back. The first real full sentence I've said in probably a
week. Last thing I said is.. " I should find some food."
" What about me?!" She screams back.
" There is nobody! You cant go on your little half and half tours anymore! There is
nobody to impress nobdoy to show how wonderful you are! Except me!"
I suddenly realize what I just said. What the hell? Why the hell did I say that? What am
I thinking? This isnt a good thing. But maybe it is a good thing. Finally, to tell her
how I truly feel. But..
She turned her head around and looked at me for a second. "What?" She asked.
... If I did tell her, she could leave me and I would never see her again.
" I'm sor... No. I'm not sorry for saying that. Hell. It might've taken me 15 years to
accept the fact that I need someone. Asuka I need you! Help me! Please dont leave me!"
" No dont crawl back to begging! Go on! What is it? We have the rest of our lives to
tell me so do it now!"
" I'm afraid that if I tell you. You would leave me.. and I would be alone."
" Where would I go?! One person cant survive by their own like this."
" It.. it's nothing. Forget I said anything."
She slapped me again.
" You need me?! Dont you think there are times when I wish I had someone to have and to
hold? Dont you think there are times when I cry at night?!"
" Please.. I.. cant do this."
" Do what? Oh! I know! Your just to scared of being rejected! How can you say you need
someone if you worry that they hate you?!"
" Dont leave me... Dont leave me..."
" Shinji!! Stop it!"
" Dont leave me... Dont leave me..."
" Shinji! Quit it! Your acting so pathetic! Gah, stop it!"
" Asuka!! Dont leave me!" I screamed out loud. I think I coulda raised all those that
died due to Third Impact with that scream. She just stood there, she was quite angry. She
punches me and walks away.
" Dont l....eave me..." I feel down. That punch really hurt. I wondered if I would she
her again or not. Did she leave me? Does she care?
I see the nations youth, as ignorant and arrogant fools. Call me crazy, but with the
millions of kids in the world, somebody has to think they know us. Give them that. Our
parents say they know us, but of course they dont. I hate mankind, I run away from so I
sleep. Thats why I sleep, to runaway from the hellish world we live in. I hate mankind,
because its angry ignorance. People see me as a quiet and shy person. But in my mind, I'm
a different person. I call this my "face". My "face" is hidding my true feelings with a
personality that people know and see me as. I dont like myself, I just wish that somebody
is there so I can tell my deepest thoughts and darkest feelings without that person being
ignorant.
I have an image: I walk through a crowded hallway at school. People push me and bump into
me along the way. But without confrotation I break. I snap. I shove people out of my way
and people make room for me because they're scared of me. My real me. The person I've been
hiding. They dont like the real me. The would ask me, " Whats with you today?". People cant
handle what I truly am so this is why I use my "face". This is how I see myself. If people
are going to hurt me, I will run and hide. But someday I'm going to snap.
I got up and couldnt find Asuka anywhere. She had left me, I feared this. I was on my own.
But.. I was somehow excited. I went to the local Walmart type store. This would probably be
my new home. What was I going to do? I had eternity to answer that question. I thought
things ahead. I think Asuka and myself are immortal. I'm not quite sure. The second Adam
and Eve. So, I doubt food will anything to worry about. Got the whole world to scavage for
batteries so my SDAT will go on for quite awhile. I'm not so sure I'm okay with things but
they have to get better.
Sad truth is, whatever worse that can happen will happen.
I lay asleep on my bed in Misato's apartment. I feel nostalgic. I remember all the times
Misato would get drunk. All the times Asuka would yell at me. PenPen whatever happened to
that little guy? Hey! Speak of the devil. The little guy pulled the blanket off me. I woke
up and saw Penpen holding his bowl ready for food. I smiled. What a strange twist.
The doorbell rang and I froze. What the hell? There are only two people left on Earth.. why
doesnt she just open the door. I went to the door and opened it. I stepped outside and I
couldnt see anyone. The door behind me closed and I could see a little girl laughing and
giggling running down the stairs. I chased after her, what could a little girl be doing
here? I got out of the building and looked but I couldnt find her. I turned to head back to
the apartment. But the building had disappeared! I fell on my knees trying to find a trace
of anything showing that the building was still there. It was gone! The ghosts of earth it
seemed to be playing jokes on me. The fact is that nobody exists now. So as they're soul
leaves this earth so does they're pyschical body. The earth tries to heal itself by turning
back time it seems. The water receeded! Time wanted earth to have another chance! The
people that died on earth wanted another life! A white 1995 Toyota Camry drove by. The road
was suddenly filled with traffic! The more I tried to understand why life was taking a new
only confused me even more! I ran around all of the city! That was just the thing though.
Tokyo-III didnt exist then. I was wondering all over and couldnt find where I was. I
stumbled upon a college campus. I saw it, I saw them. A woman and a man. I knew exactly who
they were.
" How cruel."
If God performs miracles then why doesnt he use them more?
The two adults we're in a deep conversation. I walked to them with no regard. I didnt
care if I was intruding. If I did this.. would I change history? What would happen if I
did this?
" Gendo Ikari." I said monotonously.
" Huh? Who are you?" He asked.
" Yui Ikari." I said.
" Excuse me? Yes?" She seemed so nice. I wish I had the chance to know her. Yeah, that was
one of the tallies I used to my number of reasons why I hated him.
" You cannot use Evangelion!!" I screamed out. My father only stared at me with surprise.
" Evangelion? How do yo-- How do you know?"
Things suddenly disappeared into a slurred and blurry vision. I looked around, I was
standing on water. I looked down. It wasnt water.. it was LCL. I could see my mother and
me, I was floating upwards.
" And you.. you'll be alright?" Yui asked.
" Ye--"
" NO!!!" I screamed out so loud that mother heard.
The ghosts of earth gave me another chance at life it had seemed. One more try at getting
life better.
" I miss people.... they may not love me but.. I can try to build something from their
care. Asuka.. I must get her to understand.. my true feelings.. maybe.. maybe life is worth
it all! And maybe those people that are good.." Images floated through my head.. pictures of
Kensuke, Touji, Hikari, Rei, Asuka, Misato, Maya, Shigeru, Makoto, even Penpen... "..Even
if their the only reasons to go on.. I have a damn reason! I cant go on knowing that I will
forever be alone. In my choice of being alone forever in darkness or going in the darkness
hand in hand with friends.. then I choose the latter! Not all people are bad not all people
deserve death!"
Kaoru appeared in front of me. I stood there.. just standing on top of the LCL.
" Would people like to come back? Knowing that what they left behind is worse?" He asked
of me.
" I.. is it so selfish both ways?!"
" A double-sided blade."
Rei appeared in front of me.
" Do you think that heaven is worse then earth and that people would want to come back?"
Rei asked.
" What? Dont deny me! Why cant life go on like it was suppose to? Why cant all life be
back to normal."
Asuka walked up to me from behind.
" Cause this is the world you created! You ended up making things worse for yourself and
now you have to life with it!" Asuka pointed towards me.
" Even if it is to be with friends? Was it really worth their lose?"
" To escape all of it.. to hide from reality forever you chose that everyone should just
go and die." Kaoru said.
" So they did and you cant have it back." Rei said coldly.
" Shinji, what do you want?" Asuka asked me.
" I want life back to what is was before he ruined it all!"
" Who is he?" Asuka asked. " You mean your father?"
" It's all my father's fault!!"
" Dont go blaming other's for your own damned mistakes!" Asuka yelled.
" Well if they cant come back.. then cant I go to them?" Shinji asked.
" No." Rei replied coldly.
" Why not?.... Why not?!!!" I screamed.
" Shinji you cant go to them. They wont come back. This is our world now. This is what
life must be like for us now."
" I dont like it! Its cold!" I cried out.
" People like to tell you that life is beautiful. Take a look around. Nothing is slick, wonderful, cute, or beautiful. Life sickens me. Life is ugly. Life is expanding. Why do they say live life to the fullest? For when you die, who will care what you ever did? You ran a race, well so do millions of people. You got good grades, well so do millions of people. Why do they say change is good? For, when we change, people change and they are different. You may love them once then hate them. Why do people dream? When its all false ideals of a perfect life which can never be obtained. Why do people live in reality? When we are just torchering ourselves, slaving ourselves really, when we can just fall. Why do people come to a place? For just as soon they arrived, they left? Why do people leave? For the feeling of loneliness consumes our hearts?" Kaoru said as he hovered towards me.
"Why do we exist? Is it because we are suppose to live our lives to the fullest and reach our goals and dreams? Why do we die? For if we are to live and love then when why die and suffer? Dreams, hope, love, friendship. Dreams are nothing more but a false reality. Hope, a wish, that can never be realized. Love, does anyone know what love is? No. They say I love you, but later down the chain they leave you. Friendship is worthless but to rid ourselves of loneliness. But what happens? That friend leaves. Everything leaves. Nothing comes back. We all just die. Why do we die? For if we are to live and love then why die and suffer." Rei says coldly while standing behind me squeezing my shoulders.
" Suicide isnt the way. Suicide is killing yourself. But it isnt a matter of what other people thinks. It all depends on the person itself. If they feel they are not or no longer needed, then let them die. It's their bidding. Sure, death is ugly and should be avoided of course. But its enivitable and will come no matter what. You think life is going to be beautiful?! You thought life was a dream? Like a distortion of reality?! Let your dreams be caught up into reality and you find that have nothing. " Kaoru said.
" Did you really think that life would always be as you planned it? Why are we born into a world of chaos, be brought down by chaos, live in chaos, and die in chaos?! There is no Utopia. There is no paradise on earth. The people who believe life is one happy trip are fooling themselves. Happiness is a good thing, yet, it is a foolish thing. It is nice of course to be complimented. But to walk around with a smile on your face means that your open to evil and that you pretend that your strong and you fight it but in the end you end falling. Let the birds and music wake you up into your dream." Rei was making so much sense to me. To go
on everyday only to think that life could get better. So I arrogant I am..
" But in reality, you wake up to that same sound every day, for the rest of your life! Dreams and reality are weaknesses. I believe humans pretend what we are. Before you open the door, you put on your face. You get ready for the play that is life. Life is one big play, you are a character. You live, you die, you eat, you drink, you walk, you sleep. Your human and you have character. But before we go through that door, we acknowledge this. We know, its time to pretend who I am. People may see a fun little kid inside. But in turn, your hurt, you'll never be the same. Because this is our role. To live. To die. This is our life schedule. So why do we even bother. "
" So then what do I do? I dont want anybody to hurt me but I know that if I see those people I'll end up getting hurt." I couldnt figure it out. Why was God so cruel?
" Well first you need confidence Shinji." Asuka said as she took hold of my hand. " Nobody likes a person who doesnt have confidence. And smile more! Your always so gloomy, you know.. maybe it isnt true, but there are times when life does get better!"
" Will I ever see those people ever again? Probably not. I dont have a chance to tell them that I needed their care. I'll never get that chance.. never."
" If God is willing.. you may see those same faces again... someday." Rei said. I shivered. I wasnt used to this life. I was used to my normal life where I went to school and slept.
" I know now.. that even if I dont have love I still have those that care. I- I can try to work on it from there. But who.. who will there be to care for? Will you three stay with me? Will you be there to tell me to keep strong? Because.. I cant do that. Not yet anyways. I'm to weak to tell myself that life will get better."
" You are weak.. but I never knew how fragile life was until I got to know you Shinji.." Asuka stood there clasping my hand with hers.
" So then maybe life is worth living.. maybe it is worth the risk of being hurt?" Shinji stood there as did everyone else. They just stood there.
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