January 9, 2002
I swear to God, I'm going to kill Weiss. It's almost as if he read this journal, he's so damn spot on about my feelings for her. Only I lied and said he's apparently gotten his signals mixed up. Thank God I keep this hidden away in my briefcase. Lord only knows what would happen if the CIA discovered it, and, ohmygod, found out that one of their agents has a living, beating heart inside his chest. They might take me down and have me committed for that. For having feelings, albeit ones I'm not supposed to have, for a very beautiful and attractive woman.
And it's these feelings that I am having that are affecting my dreams at night. Oh, yeah, the dreams are fun to have, but when you wake up feeling like a 12-year-old hitting puberty, trust me -- it's more than a tad embarrassing. It'd be worst if I hadn't broken up with Alice, and her wondering why I have had to wash my sheets twice this week, and three times last week, when I could barely muster up enough excitement for her when we were dating. She'd think it was weird. Or that the stress of my job had gotten to me.
Man, I hope no one ever reads this entry. I'd be so embarrassed when they read that last graph. And probably mutter a few words, turn bright red and run away with this book. Anyway, like I said, my superiors wouldn't be very happy. Especially if they read about my "dreams" about her. Or if they knew how often I think about her, wonder what she's doing today. Like, is she shopping with her friend Francie who's getting married? Or, are she, Francie and Will hanging out tonight, playing cards, watching a movie and drinking wine. Heck, there's no limit to what I would give if that could just be me sitting there, next to them, relaxing, relishing the normalcy. Instead, I'm limited to friends who think I'm something that I'm not. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to her. The fact that neither of us can tell our friends what we do for a living. Come on, what would Paul, a former fraternity bother of mine, and fellow hockey player, think if he ever found out that little Mikey Vaughn had been recruited by the CIA? Would he believe me, or buy me another round, and ask for more tall tales?
Of course, that's where she and I differ. I probably could get away with telling my friends who I work for, and while the bosses wouldn't be happy, they wouldn't kill them. Her friends would be dead, just as Danny is, if she ever told them about SD-6 or working for the CIA. Especially since her house is bugged and under surveillance 24/7.
Anyway, back to normalcy. Normalcy is a funny thing, because I didn't want it with Alice. No, instead I wanted to be Mr. Secret Agent Man, who lived a double life. Now that I've met Sydney, I want that normalcy. I crave it, like I can't get enough of it. The only catch is that I want it with her, and her alone. Again, fate is so cruel. The one woman that makes me feel alive, the only one who can make me feel these things, is the very same woman I can never be with. Ironic, huh? I love Sydney Bristow, and I would give up my life to protect her, but I can't have her. And I know that one day she'll find another man who makes her happy. I know it'll happen. And my heart will break. But, for now I can only consol myself with the hope that when we were working on the lie detector test and I asked if she was interested in someone, the question she vehemently said "NO" to, the one that said she was lying, I can only hope she meant yes, and that I was the guy she was thinking if. I know that I'm grasping at straws here, that it's hope beyond all hope. But what else can I do? I'm a hopeless romantic, although she wouldn't know it, and I'm hopelessly in love with her.
God, I'm such a sap, aren't I?
I swear to God, I'm going to kill Weiss. It's almost as if he read this journal, he's so damn spot on about my feelings for her. Only I lied and said he's apparently gotten his signals mixed up. Thank God I keep this hidden away in my briefcase. Lord only knows what would happen if the CIA discovered it, and, ohmygod, found out that one of their agents has a living, beating heart inside his chest. They might take me down and have me committed for that. For having feelings, albeit ones I'm not supposed to have, for a very beautiful and attractive woman.
And it's these feelings that I am having that are affecting my dreams at night. Oh, yeah, the dreams are fun to have, but when you wake up feeling like a 12-year-old hitting puberty, trust me -- it's more than a tad embarrassing. It'd be worst if I hadn't broken up with Alice, and her wondering why I have had to wash my sheets twice this week, and three times last week, when I could barely muster up enough excitement for her when we were dating. She'd think it was weird. Or that the stress of my job had gotten to me.
Man, I hope no one ever reads this entry. I'd be so embarrassed when they read that last graph. And probably mutter a few words, turn bright red and run away with this book. Anyway, like I said, my superiors wouldn't be very happy. Especially if they read about my "dreams" about her. Or if they knew how often I think about her, wonder what she's doing today. Like, is she shopping with her friend Francie who's getting married? Or, are she, Francie and Will hanging out tonight, playing cards, watching a movie and drinking wine. Heck, there's no limit to what I would give if that could just be me sitting there, next to them, relaxing, relishing the normalcy. Instead, I'm limited to friends who think I'm something that I'm not. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to her. The fact that neither of us can tell our friends what we do for a living. Come on, what would Paul, a former fraternity bother of mine, and fellow hockey player, think if he ever found out that little Mikey Vaughn had been recruited by the CIA? Would he believe me, or buy me another round, and ask for more tall tales?
Of course, that's where she and I differ. I probably could get away with telling my friends who I work for, and while the bosses wouldn't be happy, they wouldn't kill them. Her friends would be dead, just as Danny is, if she ever told them about SD-6 or working for the CIA. Especially since her house is bugged and under surveillance 24/7.
Anyway, back to normalcy. Normalcy is a funny thing, because I didn't want it with Alice. No, instead I wanted to be Mr. Secret Agent Man, who lived a double life. Now that I've met Sydney, I want that normalcy. I crave it, like I can't get enough of it. The only catch is that I want it with her, and her alone. Again, fate is so cruel. The one woman that makes me feel alive, the only one who can make me feel these things, is the very same woman I can never be with. Ironic, huh? I love Sydney Bristow, and I would give up my life to protect her, but I can't have her. And I know that one day she'll find another man who makes her happy. I know it'll happen. And my heart will break. But, for now I can only consol myself with the hope that when we were working on the lie detector test and I asked if she was interested in someone, the question she vehemently said "NO" to, the one that said she was lying, I can only hope she meant yes, and that I was the guy she was thinking if. I know that I'm grasping at straws here, that it's hope beyond all hope. But what else can I do? I'm a hopeless romantic, although she wouldn't know it, and I'm hopelessly in love with her.
God, I'm such a sap, aren't I?