January 11, 2002
Okay, I really have to get a life. I mean this thinking, obsessing, longing to be with her isn't helping my psyche, and eventually someone's gonna put two and two together and I'm gonna be in massive trouble. The only problem with that, is that she's worth it. She's worth the trouble, hell, I'd even say she's worth my job. But, I can't say that because without this job I could never see her. Damn fate. My karma must be completely outta whack for this stuff to always happen to me. It's always the women you admire, respect and love that you can't have. At least that's the way it seems.
I swear that one day I'm going to go insane at work. I know I saved my mother a heart attack when I accepted this damn desk job, but it's boring. I wish I was like her, getting to go out and have the adrenaline pumping while on a mission. Thank god I can live vicariously through her, but I wish that it could be me one day. Although, if that day ever came, I'd probably puke my guts out, and be deemed too sick to go on a mission. That's why it's better she's the one that goes and does these missions. Wait, I don't mean it that way, it's not good that she risks life and limb for SD-6/CIA, but it's just that I don't think I could do that.
I often wonder sometimes if I ever met her friends, if we'd all get along. I mean, they all knew Danny, knew how great of a guy he was and how much he loved Sydney. Would they be as accepting of me? Or would I forever be the new guy, never quite being able to measure up to the ghost of a dead man? If this ever happened, I can only hope she's answer with something like "You don't have to measure up to a ghost. Already you are so much more than a right now, because I can't kiss him. I can't lay my head on his chest and hear his heart. I can't hold his hand. I can't be with him." But, see, there I go with the dreaming. If it wasn't for the lack of other work I have to do, other than be her CIA handler, I'd never get to write in this journal.
Let me see, what else can I write about? Alice and I broke up, but I mentioned that a few days ago. We broke up, because she borrowed my cell phone one time, and listened to a voice message Sydney had left for me, calling me her guardian angel. When I couldn't explain to her why Sydney called me, we broke up. I mean, I probably could have come up with some lie, but I had known for a long time that it was over between the two of us. She wanted more answers than I could give. Why I had secret clandestine meetings at night, in the bad part of town, in an abandoned warehouse? Why she never met any of my co-workers? Why she was never invited to the company holiday party? Always why, why, why, why. And what could I say? "Honey, this will come as a shock to you, but I am not an accountant, I'm a CIA operative. I meet with a double agent named Sydney Bristow during those meetings, and as for the rest, it's because my co-workers' lives are as secret as mine. And we don't have holiday parties."
Either way, we'd have broken up. This way she thought I was cheating on her with someone. I wasn't physically, but mentally, I have to admit that I haven't, or hadn't, thought of Alice in a long time. She had become almost nothing more than convenient when I met Sydney Bristow. I know that's a harsh thing to say, hell it's hard to write, but I don't mean convenient for physicality. I meant convenient because I already knew her. We had become comfortable with each other, and that's why it was convenient. I hate to admit it, but she still excited my physically. The rest of the relationship had faded.
Damn, I still talk about Sydney, even when I try not to.
Okay, I really have to get a life. I mean this thinking, obsessing, longing to be with her isn't helping my psyche, and eventually someone's gonna put two and two together and I'm gonna be in massive trouble. The only problem with that, is that she's worth it. She's worth the trouble, hell, I'd even say she's worth my job. But, I can't say that because without this job I could never see her. Damn fate. My karma must be completely outta whack for this stuff to always happen to me. It's always the women you admire, respect and love that you can't have. At least that's the way it seems.
I swear that one day I'm going to go insane at work. I know I saved my mother a heart attack when I accepted this damn desk job, but it's boring. I wish I was like her, getting to go out and have the adrenaline pumping while on a mission. Thank god I can live vicariously through her, but I wish that it could be me one day. Although, if that day ever came, I'd probably puke my guts out, and be deemed too sick to go on a mission. That's why it's better she's the one that goes and does these missions. Wait, I don't mean it that way, it's not good that she risks life and limb for SD-6/CIA, but it's just that I don't think I could do that.
I often wonder sometimes if I ever met her friends, if we'd all get along. I mean, they all knew Danny, knew how great of a guy he was and how much he loved Sydney. Would they be as accepting of me? Or would I forever be the new guy, never quite being able to measure up to the ghost of a dead man? If this ever happened, I can only hope she's answer with something like "You don't have to measure up to a ghost. Already you are so much more than a right now, because I can't kiss him. I can't lay my head on his chest and hear his heart. I can't hold his hand. I can't be with him." But, see, there I go with the dreaming. If it wasn't for the lack of other work I have to do, other than be her CIA handler, I'd never get to write in this journal.
Let me see, what else can I write about? Alice and I broke up, but I mentioned that a few days ago. We broke up, because she borrowed my cell phone one time, and listened to a voice message Sydney had left for me, calling me her guardian angel. When I couldn't explain to her why Sydney called me, we broke up. I mean, I probably could have come up with some lie, but I had known for a long time that it was over between the two of us. She wanted more answers than I could give. Why I had secret clandestine meetings at night, in the bad part of town, in an abandoned warehouse? Why she never met any of my co-workers? Why she was never invited to the company holiday party? Always why, why, why, why. And what could I say? "Honey, this will come as a shock to you, but I am not an accountant, I'm a CIA operative. I meet with a double agent named Sydney Bristow during those meetings, and as for the rest, it's because my co-workers' lives are as secret as mine. And we don't have holiday parties."
Either way, we'd have broken up. This way she thought I was cheating on her with someone. I wasn't physically, but mentally, I have to admit that I haven't, or hadn't, thought of Alice in a long time. She had become almost nothing more than convenient when I met Sydney Bristow. I know that's a harsh thing to say, hell it's hard to write, but I don't mean convenient for physicality. I meant convenient because I already knew her. We had become comfortable with each other, and that's why it was convenient. I hate to admit it, but she still excited my physically. The rest of the relationship had faded.
Damn, I still talk about Sydney, even when I try not to.