January 15, 2002
It's raining today, and she's out on a mission. Its days like this, when the weather matches my mood, that I feel like I'm sinking. It's not just the fact that she's out there risking her life; it's more that she may never return. And that would be completely unbearable to me. To think that I sent her out there, okay on a counter mission not the original one, and she may never return. I think if that happened, I might just lose it for real. Who knows if I'd ever return to work? What I'd do, I have no clue, but I wouldn't want to be back within these restraining walls, knowing that I'd never see her again, or hear her voice. That would be torture.
And the more I spend looking out the window, seeing the rain fall, I know I would drown if she never returned. Her father would be so pissed at SD-6 if she didn't come back. He's already mad that they recruited her to begin with, but I think he'd lose it too. How was he to know that Sloane had decided early on to recruit his only child, the result of a marriage to a woman who was a covert KGB agent who killed numerous CIA officers. Actually, I want to know how he was recruited, since he was CIA to begin with. How did he manage to not let them know about that? And when did he find out SD-6 wasn't part of the CIA, but part of the group he thought he was helping annihilate? God, it's days like this when I start questioning questions that I think maybe I'd have been better suited to philosophy than to that of a CIA officer, operative.
Want to know something funny? I couldn't sleep last night, and started flipping through the channels to cure my insomnia. What did I find? Re-runs of iLa Femme Nikita/i. I started laughing at Section and all the other characters. If they ever knew how spot on they really were, I don't think they'd ever believe it. It's a joke at work that someone must have been feeding them secret information to make the show so accurate, yet so funny at the same time. The people are spot on, the rest of it's far-fetched. I got tired of that, and ended up falling asleep to iStorytellers/i on VH1. I slept okay, but my neck could use a good massage, which would relieve this damn crick. If someday SD-6 is ever gone, I wonder if I could ever date her. Would it be okay? I mean, she is getting her degree, so she would have something to do. I don't think she'd want to stay in the spy business once SD-6 is gone. Would we be able to have a life together? Would she even want me around if her life wasn't in danger, and she didn't have some covert mission to keep her going?
I really need to stop asking these questions, cause there aren't any answers I can find. I need to start putting this useless energy and body I have to work. Maybe I'll join a gym, or start running again. The last time I ran was when I saw her at the track. I'm probably so out of shape now, it's not even funny.
It's raining today, and she's out on a mission. Its days like this, when the weather matches my mood, that I feel like I'm sinking. It's not just the fact that she's out there risking her life; it's more that she may never return. And that would be completely unbearable to me. To think that I sent her out there, okay on a counter mission not the original one, and she may never return. I think if that happened, I might just lose it for real. Who knows if I'd ever return to work? What I'd do, I have no clue, but I wouldn't want to be back within these restraining walls, knowing that I'd never see her again, or hear her voice. That would be torture.
And the more I spend looking out the window, seeing the rain fall, I know I would drown if she never returned. Her father would be so pissed at SD-6 if she didn't come back. He's already mad that they recruited her to begin with, but I think he'd lose it too. How was he to know that Sloane had decided early on to recruit his only child, the result of a marriage to a woman who was a covert KGB agent who killed numerous CIA officers. Actually, I want to know how he was recruited, since he was CIA to begin with. How did he manage to not let them know about that? And when did he find out SD-6 wasn't part of the CIA, but part of the group he thought he was helping annihilate? God, it's days like this when I start questioning questions that I think maybe I'd have been better suited to philosophy than to that of a CIA officer, operative.
Want to know something funny? I couldn't sleep last night, and started flipping through the channels to cure my insomnia. What did I find? Re-runs of iLa Femme Nikita/i. I started laughing at Section and all the other characters. If they ever knew how spot on they really were, I don't think they'd ever believe it. It's a joke at work that someone must have been feeding them secret information to make the show so accurate, yet so funny at the same time. The people are spot on, the rest of it's far-fetched. I got tired of that, and ended up falling asleep to iStorytellers/i on VH1. I slept okay, but my neck could use a good massage, which would relieve this damn crick. If someday SD-6 is ever gone, I wonder if I could ever date her. Would it be okay? I mean, she is getting her degree, so she would have something to do. I don't think she'd want to stay in the spy business once SD-6 is gone. Would we be able to have a life together? Would she even want me around if her life wasn't in danger, and she didn't have some covert mission to keep her going?
I really need to stop asking these questions, cause there aren't any answers I can find. I need to start putting this useless energy and body I have to work. Maybe I'll join a gym, or start running again. The last time I ran was when I saw her at the track. I'm probably so out of shape now, it's not even funny.