January 21, 2002
I talked to mom today. She sounded good. Still worries about my job, but when I reassure her that I have a desk job and have no need to ever get into an armed battle with anyone, she relaxes again. I had to tell her about Alice, which brought a small lecture. You know, the one where she reminds me that I'm not getting any younger, and that I should really find a nice woman and settle down. Have a family. And through the whole thing, I had to bite my tongue and not tell her about Sydney. First off, how would I introduce her into the conversation? I've worked with her for months, and I've talked to my mom since we started working, so it would seem unusual. Plus, moms are able to pick up on the "I like her" vibes, which would lead me into telling her that I can't get involved with a double agent. She'd sense I was holding back, and I'd spill about her mom killing dad. I just know she'd be able to get it all out of me, just like she always does. Moms are tricky like that. They know when you're lying, or hiding something, even on the phone.
And, sad thing about it is, is that she'd like Sydney. She'd say something like "the child cannot be held responsible for the sins of the parent." And all would be okay. Or she'd fake it real well. They'd probably get along famously, actually. All jokes, and telling embarrassing stories about me. Teasing, but love underneath it all. Or at least I would hope so. It would be different from when Alice met mom. Although she lectured me on the breakup, mom didn't like Alice. She thought that when Alice found out I was CIA, she'd leave me anyway. She didn't like the way Alice was so picky, about everything. My clothes, my job, the fact that she didn't know my friends at work, my hair, everything. She didn't like how demanding Alice was of everyone. Still, she wasn't happy that I again was single. Single and in my 30s. She'd like for me to have a family of my own, someone to share my life with, children to raise, someone to hold at night, little league games to go to, graduations to attend, weddings to plan, etc.
How would she react, after I told her of Sydney, that Sydney was the one I wanted those things with? The offspring of the enemy was the one person who had stolen my heart, and run away with it. The one woman whose presence can calm me down. The woman whose image lulls me to sleep at night. That she, whose mother killed dad, is the one I love with all my heart.
This is all why I told my mom nothing about Sydney. She'd figure it out. She'd want me to be happy, but safety is her first priority for me. She'd tell me to get reassigned, and move on, find someone who wouldn't bring me constant pain and sorrow. What she wouldn't know, and never will find out, is that the one woman who brings me so much sorrow and pain is the same woman who brings rainbows and love back into my life.
Guess those poetry club meetings in college paid off, huh? Funny, I used them as a way to woo women, not to describe the feelings one brings up inside me.
I talked to mom today. She sounded good. Still worries about my job, but when I reassure her that I have a desk job and have no need to ever get into an armed battle with anyone, she relaxes again. I had to tell her about Alice, which brought a small lecture. You know, the one where she reminds me that I'm not getting any younger, and that I should really find a nice woman and settle down. Have a family. And through the whole thing, I had to bite my tongue and not tell her about Sydney. First off, how would I introduce her into the conversation? I've worked with her for months, and I've talked to my mom since we started working, so it would seem unusual. Plus, moms are able to pick up on the "I like her" vibes, which would lead me into telling her that I can't get involved with a double agent. She'd sense I was holding back, and I'd spill about her mom killing dad. I just know she'd be able to get it all out of me, just like she always does. Moms are tricky like that. They know when you're lying, or hiding something, even on the phone.
And, sad thing about it is, is that she'd like Sydney. She'd say something like "the child cannot be held responsible for the sins of the parent." And all would be okay. Or she'd fake it real well. They'd probably get along famously, actually. All jokes, and telling embarrassing stories about me. Teasing, but love underneath it all. Or at least I would hope so. It would be different from when Alice met mom. Although she lectured me on the breakup, mom didn't like Alice. She thought that when Alice found out I was CIA, she'd leave me anyway. She didn't like the way Alice was so picky, about everything. My clothes, my job, the fact that she didn't know my friends at work, my hair, everything. She didn't like how demanding Alice was of everyone. Still, she wasn't happy that I again was single. Single and in my 30s. She'd like for me to have a family of my own, someone to share my life with, children to raise, someone to hold at night, little league games to go to, graduations to attend, weddings to plan, etc.
How would she react, after I told her of Sydney, that Sydney was the one I wanted those things with? The offspring of the enemy was the one person who had stolen my heart, and run away with it. The one woman whose presence can calm me down. The woman whose image lulls me to sleep at night. That she, whose mother killed dad, is the one I love with all my heart.
This is all why I told my mom nothing about Sydney. She'd figure it out. She'd want me to be happy, but safety is her first priority for me. She'd tell me to get reassigned, and move on, find someone who wouldn't bring me constant pain and sorrow. What she wouldn't know, and never will find out, is that the one woman who brings me so much sorrow and pain is the same woman who brings rainbows and love back into my life.
Guess those poetry club meetings in college paid off, huh? Funny, I used them as a way to woo women, not to describe the feelings one brings up inside me.