Title: Reflections
Author: EV
e-mail: EVLYN827@cs.com
summary: POV: Justin deals with the confusion of pushing Brian away.
Spoilers: Based on episode 202
Disclaimer: I have no claim to the characters--just the voices that live in my head.
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Why didn't you come and see me? It's okay, it made me stronger in the end.
I searched the streets. Colored neon lighting my way. Pushing and shoving--feeling small and alone. Fear. Searching for you. Strangers knocking me off balance. Simple sounds getting louder in my head. The sound of my breathing in syncopated rhythm with the beating of my heart. I searched for you--you never came looking for me. I remember that.
You say that it's okay. But, it's not okay. It hurts me to watch you walk away from me. You act as if I don't want you. Like I have some control over the way I feel. My bruises and scrapes have healed. I look the same on the outside--except for this gimp hand. But I feel different on the inside. You're frustrated? So am I. I'm trapped. I'm alone with my memories--or lack of them. Each time I close my eyes the blackness gets blacker. If that's even possible?
The demon haunts my dreams...allowing me to see the horror of that night--every night. Mercifully upon waking, the terrors are gone. The bad memories vanish--along with the good and leave me empty.
What I can remember serves no purpose. I fell in love with you the first time your eyes met mine. I remember that. Why do you make me work so hard for this? I've waited so long. I've been patient. I gave myself to you and I've learned to expect nothing in return. You never disapoint me.
I was there for you when you wanted me. I was there for you when I didn't want to be. Until now. Until tonight.
What happened to me was not your fault nor was it mine. Why can't everyone just forget it--just leave me alone, to forget in peace. Try and move on. "Honey", "sweetie", "Sunshine". Chris Hobbs fuckin' bashes me in the head and suddenly everyone wants to infantilize me. Everyone, except you.
The touch of your hand on my skin would melt me like ice in the summer sun. I remember that. Tonight--your touch burns like fire and I don't understand why. I can't explain it to you or to myself. You invite me to come closer--but what you mean is, roll over and stick your ass in the air. It's your way--and I accept that.
What you don't know is that my memory has held certain things. Important things. The sparkle in your eyes when Gus smiles in your direction. The look of satisfaction on your face when you land the next big account. The words you whisper into my ear when no one else can hear. The way your arm wraps around my waist as you sleep--contentedly after a night spent together. Your hand on top, fingers interlaced with mine, penetrates me more deeply than the hardened flesh you pound into me.
I've come to know you, better than you know yourself. I've studied you. I accept you for who you are and what you're not. You opened the door, just a crack, and let me in. Not meaning to, I guess. It was not in the plan--but it happened. Pain, that's a part of it. I remember that. I've slowly, gently peeled away your layers--and sometimes I cry.
I'm not afraid of being with you...I'm afraid of being without you.
Author: EV
e-mail: EVLYN827@cs.com
summary: POV: Justin deals with the confusion of pushing Brian away.
Spoilers: Based on episode 202
Disclaimer: I have no claim to the characters--just the voices that live in my head.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Why didn't you come and see me? It's okay, it made me stronger in the end.
I searched the streets. Colored neon lighting my way. Pushing and shoving--feeling small and alone. Fear. Searching for you. Strangers knocking me off balance. Simple sounds getting louder in my head. The sound of my breathing in syncopated rhythm with the beating of my heart. I searched for you--you never came looking for me. I remember that.
You say that it's okay. But, it's not okay. It hurts me to watch you walk away from me. You act as if I don't want you. Like I have some control over the way I feel. My bruises and scrapes have healed. I look the same on the outside--except for this gimp hand. But I feel different on the inside. You're frustrated? So am I. I'm trapped. I'm alone with my memories--or lack of them. Each time I close my eyes the blackness gets blacker. If that's even possible?
The demon haunts my dreams...allowing me to see the horror of that night--every night. Mercifully upon waking, the terrors are gone. The bad memories vanish--along with the good and leave me empty.
What I can remember serves no purpose. I fell in love with you the first time your eyes met mine. I remember that. Why do you make me work so hard for this? I've waited so long. I've been patient. I gave myself to you and I've learned to expect nothing in return. You never disapoint me.
I was there for you when you wanted me. I was there for you when I didn't want to be. Until now. Until tonight.
What happened to me was not your fault nor was it mine. Why can't everyone just forget it--just leave me alone, to forget in peace. Try and move on. "Honey", "sweetie", "Sunshine". Chris Hobbs fuckin' bashes me in the head and suddenly everyone wants to infantilize me. Everyone, except you.
The touch of your hand on my skin would melt me like ice in the summer sun. I remember that. Tonight--your touch burns like fire and I don't understand why. I can't explain it to you or to myself. You invite me to come closer--but what you mean is, roll over and stick your ass in the air. It's your way--and I accept that.
What you don't know is that my memory has held certain things. Important things. The sparkle in your eyes when Gus smiles in your direction. The look of satisfaction on your face when you land the next big account. The words you whisper into my ear when no one else can hear. The way your arm wraps around my waist as you sleep--contentedly after a night spent together. Your hand on top, fingers interlaced with mine, penetrates me more deeply than the hardened flesh you pound into me.
I've come to know you, better than you know yourself. I've studied you. I accept you for who you are and what you're not. You opened the door, just a crack, and let me in. Not meaning to, I guess. It was not in the plan--but it happened. Pain, that's a part of it. I remember that. I've slowly, gently peeled away your layers--and sometimes I cry.
I'm not afraid of being with you...I'm afraid of being without you.