Summary: I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.
Notes: More crazyness! I put together a strange team of X-Men for Lamb Chop to lead: Jubilee, who's just too cool to leave out; Iceman, who really doesn't want to be here; the resurrected, brain-eating zombie Colossus; the acid-barfing hootchie Angel; and last but not least, the barely-understandable mutant Skrull called Fiz! What a team, huh?
Cast: Me, Lamb Chop, Mandy Moore, Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, Fiz, and surprise villains!
Disclaimer: Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, and Fiz are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself, and Mandy Moore is property of the evil music company that creates her awful music. I'll admit she's not as big of a ho as she was back in the day, but still. AARRGGHH.
"Lazarus Hoes"
Lamb Chop, her partner Ryan, and her team of X-Men are flying in the Bigbird Jet to Orlando, Florida, the breeding ground of hoes! Mandy Moore has returned, and only this team can stop the resurrected hussy and her assemblage of teen idols!
"Okay people, remember," Lamb Chop says, "you do whatever you have to do to destroy Mandy Moore! She MUST die at ALL COSTS, because if she doesn't, the world will be consumed by whoredom, and we'll all be mindlessly chanting along to 'Candy'!"
"And if you can kill some boy bands like 'N Sync in the process, all the better," Ryan adds with a nod.
"Hey, who made you deputy leader?" Iceman says with a sneer. He doesn't want to be here. These people make him want to commit suicide.
"Bite me!"
Iceman opens his mouth to reply and decides he'd better not.
"Yo, Chops, I gots this, no doubt!" Angel boasts, snapping her fingers and swinging her head around. "Them cracka hoes is goin' DOWN. I can't stand no white people."
"Damn right," Jubilee replies.
"Hey, I'm white!" Iceman says, offended. "And so's Pete, right, dude?"
"White hoes no have BRAINS," is the only response Colossus offers, and Iceman shakes his head in defeat.
"Okie, so we a DEATHS the HOES for farming, la?" Fiz inquires in his confusing and often indecipherable take on the English language.
Lamb Chop sighs. "Yes, Fiz, we a DEATHS the hoes." Only she, with her telepathic mind, can understand the alien.
Minutes later, the Bigbird lands at Universal Studios, and the team gets off the plane and heads towards the big silver dome thing! Once inside, the team sees her on the stage, in all her glory, with tattered mummy wraps covering her wrists and ankles. They let out a collective gasp and stare in horror and awe at the beast before them.
"Welcome, my little candies!" Mandy shrieks. "EEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"
"Sweet Lesbian Jesus, that SQUEAL!" Ryan cries.
"Would you like to taste my candy?" Mandy asks maliciously.
"Heffa, the only thing YOU gon' be tastin' is da ground after I STOMP YO' ASS into it!" Angel's wings start to flutter furiously and the short, chunky mutant flies towards Mandy as the rest of the team follows close behind her.
"EEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!" Mandy screeches as a cloud of white dust suddenly springs forth from her hands.
"AAAHHHH!! IT'S ANTHRAX!!" Lamb Chop shouts in horror, and she tries with all her might to dust it off her.
"It's not Anthrax, it's PIXIE HO DUST!" Iceman throws himself at Mandy, only to be slapped across the face and sent flying in the air dozens of feet away.
"Okie pal you a SUCK so Fiz a make you a FIZZLE and SCREECH like a MELTING SPOT, haha!" Fiz says angrily. He makes his body grow larger and tries to corner Mandy as Angel and Jubilee back him up.
"Pixie Ho Dust? What the fuck is he talking about?" Lamb Chop says, puzzled.
"It's not Pixie Ho Dust, there is no such thing. It's... SWEET 'N' LOW!" Ryan exclaims, and Lamb Chop's eyes widen in horror.
"YOU WHORE!" With that said, Lamb Chop lashes out at Mandy with the full power of her mind, and at the demon ho's moment of weakness, the team of X-Men move in for the kill! Within minutes, the teenybopper that won't die is lying on the ground, unconscious, and Lamb Chop and Ryan regroup with the X-Men near her fallen form.
"Well, that was easy," Jubilee comments, letting out a sigh of a relief. "Easier than a half-cent ho, in fact. A little too easy, though."
"I thought you said she had 'friends', though, Chop?" Ryan inquires. "Where are the others?"
"RIGHT HERE!"
The team turns around to see four hoes floating in the air with Iceman in their slutty grips! The team is mortified beyond anything they've ever felt before as they recognize each of the faces of the hoes before them!
"Mandy Moore was WEAK," says the blonde at the head of the group, "she was going alternative and stuff and not doing dance sequences like she should have been! She will, like, DIE! But us... we are the true Hoes Of The Apocalypse!"
"Now ain't that a bitch," Angel mutters, crossing her arms. "Damn crackas."
"Cool your jets, Angel," Lamb Chop orders. "You whores think you're going to take over the world? Not a chance. We're going to end your reign of terror here and now, once and for all!"
"HA! I, like, DON'T think so! I am WILLA FORD, and I am the ultimate ho! Christina... Jessica... and BRITNEY..."
Ryan is still in shock, as he killed Britney... but if Mandy can come back, he figures so can Britney.
Willa's colligen-filled lips curl into a wet, pouty smile as she cackles, "DESTROY THEM ALL!!!"
Next: The war with the Hoes Of The Apocalypse concludes, and it's shocking!