Summary: I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.
Notes: Well this is it, chilluns... the end of the Marvel-X Roast saga!!! Fear not, there will be more adventures with Lamb Chop and her X-Men in a new ongoing series tentatively titled Lamb Chops X. If anyone has any other suggestions, let me know! You can drop me a line in the feedback thingy ^_^ Speaking of feedback, thanks to Raven Wings, fuzzyblue, Bunny, and Coffee for the kind words... I appreciate it. And now... the final battle with the Hoes Of Apocalypse!!!
Cast: Me, Lamb Chop, Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, Fiz, Britney Spears, Willa Ford, Christina Aquilera, Jessica Simpson, and the... ULTRA HO!
Disclaimer: Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, and Fiz are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself, and Britney Spears, Willa Ford, Christina Aquilera, and Jessica Simpson are property of the evil music companies that create their awful music.
"Showdown"
And so it has come to this... the final battle with the self-proclaimed Hoes Of The Apocalypse! Minutes ago, Mandy Moore, who had strayed from her path as a ho, was struck down by her former colleagues, and now only four hoes remain - Britney Spears, lip syncher extraordinaire, enhanced by toxic silicone breast implants; Jessica Simpson, imbued with one of the most monstruously widest mouths of all time with deadly vocal cords to go along with it; Christina Aguilera, the human embodiment of anorexia and genetically enhanced with rat DNA; and last but not least, Willa Ford, the newest but most slutastic ho, able to spread her legs wider than any woman and 'wax' hundreds of 'candles' at once.
They are a disease. They are evil. They must be destroyed.
Here to do the job is the most unlikely pack of heroes ever! They are the X-Men, under the command of the telepathic mutant puppet called Lamb Chop, and they include Ryan a.k.a. PX, a human with an affinity for all things phallic and Lamb Chop's host; Iceman, who controls the element of cold, and doesn't really want to be here; Jubilee, detonator of sub-atomic matter who's just too cool for words; Colossus, or rather his resurrected metal corpse, who now craves brains; Angel, straight out the ghetto, who can vomit and fly and hates white people; and Fiz, a half-wit mutant Skrull who speaks his own dialect of the English language.
They are humanity's last hope against the horde of demon hoes that will ravage the Earth if the Hoes Of The Apocalypse are not destroyed! So now, here they stand, ready to battle to the deaths, inside the round silver dome thingy at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, which has been the breeding ground of hoes for decades.
"Mwhohohoho!" Willa cackles through her colligen-filled lips, "Now it's, like, time for us to beat you down!"
"Don't... you... mean... beat us... off...?" Iceman taunts from the prison that is Britney's cleavage. "You're... not gonna... win!"
"Shut UPPA!" Britney commands, squeezing her sisters tighter around Iceman's head.
"Let him go, you slut!" Lamb Chop orders, grimacing at the whores. "You're all going down! X-Men, attack!"
Instantly, Lamb Chop's X-Men head off into battle, attacking the hoes with all their might. Angel goes for Christina, buzzing around the skeleton girl while building up a good amount of vomit in her mouth. "Shoo fly, don't bother me!" Christina screeches, but Angel does not back off. Instead, she lets loose with her powers and in seconds, Christina is covered in green acid puke, screaming.
"Oh nooooo!" Christina says as her human skin melts off. "I'm turning into IT!"
As Christina continues to howl, Colossus goes for Jessica, who opens up her big mouth even wide. "Bloooow meeee, hoooo," Colossus says angrily before punching that whore square in the jaw. "No brains! Colossus SMASH!"
While Colossus continues to pound that ass to the ground, Jubilee goes for Willa, ready to stomp some hobag ass. "Alright, bitch, time to FRY!" With that said, Jubilee unloads her fireworks on the big-haired hartlot, detonating sub-atomic matter all around the whore and totally disorienting her. "You had the upper hand last time, Ford, but this time I'm gonna blow your ass away!"
"Mmmm," Willa says, stumbling back to her feet, "you knew I'm a part-time lesbian... come to me... sexy..."
"Ki-ya!" Jubilee shouts, delivering a roundhouse kick to the weakened ho. In an instant, Willa falls to the ground, unconscious. Before turning her attention to Britney, Jubilee ponders to herself that this whole fight has been too easy so far.
"Stand back, or he'll be putty between my breasts!" Britney screeches, still holding Iceman prisoner within her cleavage. Lamb Chop, Ryan, Fiz, and now Jubilee approach the skanky ho, surrounding her on all sides. "LIKE, GET, UH, LIKE, BACK! BACK IT UP! BACK THAT THANG UP! YEAH!"
"Enough of this," Lamb Chop declares. The X-Men's leader reaches into Britney's hollow mind and turns one of its very few cranks, effectively shutting down the ho's mind. As Britney slumps to the ground, Iceman is released from the clutches of her implants, coughing and weezing in an effort to catch his breath.
"Chops!" Ryan exclaims, glaring at the fallen Britney with wide eyes, "she went down so easily!"
"Well duh, she's a ho," Lamb Chop replies. "But you're right... this whole fight has been too easy." Lamb Chop looks around as Colossus and Angel rejoin their group. Jessica's been pummelled to death... Willa's a goner... and now Britney has fallen to a simple psi-attack. There only remains...
"SCREEEEEETCH!" comes the sound of the missing ho. All heads turn to see the new form of Christina... a large rat with stringy blonde hair!
"Holy fucking shit!" Ryan says. "She really IS a rat! A talentless, anorexic rat..."
"Alright, X-Men - CUT THE CHEESE!"
As if on cue, the X-Men do as they're told; Jubilee lets loose with a barrage of energy blasts, Iceman shoots forth shards of ice, and Angel tops it all off with a barrage of acid vomit, while Fiz and Colossus standby for their attacks. However, Christina too falls easily; her rat form literally explodes, sending blood and guts everywhere, but luckily Iceman gets an icedome up just in time to protect his teammates.
Minutes later, after the ho dust has settled...
"Well..." Lamb Chop begins, flabbergasted. "That was... way too easy. They've never been beaten so quickly before! What's going on?"
"GOODS not baked but QUESTIONS, pal!" Fiz chimes in, only adding more to the confusion.
"Damn, dem heffas was mo' easy den usual," Angel says. "Why do I gots a feelin' dis ain't ovah...?"
"BECAUSE IT'S NOT," comes a loud, shrill voice booming throughout the auditorium. The X-Men look around, terrified, their fears that this is not over confirmed.
"Who's there?" Lamb Chop demands. "Show yourself."
Suddenly, in front of the X-Men, a strange energy becomes visible. It's malleable and glows in bright colors, and as the heroes study it, it begins to shape itself into something... into... someone?
"Oh... my... GOD..." Jubilee gasps, now literally frozen in place as the energy takes its form.
"FUCKING LESBIAN JESUS!" Ryan cries, and all the other X-Men proceed to huddle around him and Lamb Chop. "Everybody... RUN!!!!!"
"YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME," the energy says in a bad Long Island accent, "I AM EVERYWHERE! MWAWHAWHAWHAW!"
"X-Men... we must fight...!"
"Lamb Chop... how can we fight the mother of all hoes... the Ultra Ho... BARBARA STREISAND?!?!?!"
"WAIT!" Ryan suddenly says, a light bulb flickering on in his head. "Chops..."
"Oh... oh no... Ryan... you don't have to do this!" Lamb Chop says to her longtime partner, knowing exactly what he's planning thanks to their telepathic bond. "We'll find another way...!"
"We won't, you know it just like me," Ryan says sorrowfully, planting a kiss on Lamb Chop's forehead. He lifts the woman of wool and cotton off his hand and passes her to Iceman. "Put her on, now, she can't be without a host for more than a few seconds!"
Iceman immediately obliges and slips Lamb Chop over his hand. "Brrrrrr!" Lamb Chop says, shivering. "If I had nipples, they'd be rock-hard right now!"
"What's going on?" Jubilee asks, giving Ryan a puzzled look. "What are you doing?"
"Streisand's greatest weakness is gay dudes," Ryan informs, "and that's me. She'll take me as her host but it'll weaken her... and that's when you all have to destroy her! Attack her with everything you have!"
"But then you'll be destroyed too!" Jubilee says as a tear slides down her cheek. "Oh, Pookie Bear!"
"Shortcake!" Ryan says, embracing his best girlfriend. "Don't worry, we can still do our nails in your dreams!"
Ryan says his goodbyes to everybody on the team, then walks towards Streisand, still linked with Lamb Chop. "AH, YOU WANT TO BE FIRST?" Streisand cackles. "OKAY THEN!"
"Wait!" Ryan says, holding his hands up and signalling for Streisand to stop. "I have a proposition for you. I want you to take me as your host... and let them go."
"OKAY," Streisand says with a chuckle, unaware of the X-Men's plan. The energy of the Ultra Ho engulfs Ryan, and within seconds, he stands possessed. His body turns to face the X-Men, who stare in horror at what's just transpired. "MWAWHAWHAWHAW! LIKE I'D REALLY LET YOU PRETTIES GO!"
"NOW!" Lamb Chop shouts suddenly, pointing at Streisand. The X-Men and their leader unleash the full potential of their powers, barraging the weakening Streisand with psychic shocks, ice shards, energy blasts, vomit, brute strength, and nonsensible English. After a few minutes, Streisand drops to her knees, unable to stand any longer.
"YOU... TRICKED ME!" Streisand yells angrily. "HE'S GAY! THAT'S MY WEAKNESS! YOU'LL... ALL... BE..."
"Fuck off, skank," are Jubilee's last words before she uses her powers to detonate the possessed body of her friend. The explosion is small at first, but Lamb Chop quickly realizes that the Streisand energy will destroy all of Orlando!
"QUICKLY! To the Bigbird, NOW!" Lamb Chop commands, and with that, she takes control of Iceman's powers and uses them to take her team all the way to their aircraft. "Get in!" Lamb Chop commands again, and her team wastes no time in shuffling onboard. The Bigbird's hatch seals up and the plane takes off just in time as a massive shockwave of ho energy expands outward from Universal Studios and engulfs not just all of Orlando, but all of Florida.
"Oh well, no big loss," Lamb Chop says with a sigh of relief as she and her watch Florida go bah-boom. "But Ryan... sweet lesbian Jesus..."
"He sacrificed himself to rid the world of hoes," Jubilee says sadly. "What a guy."
"YAY pal, GUY not a PIERCED from a JELLIES BUTTON falls off OOPS oh my a TWEETS song not a BIRD like a FLY somewhat ANGEL, la?" Fiz adds in, and everybody just nods as if in agreement. No one's in the mood to get on his case about his English.
"Goodbye, my friend," Lamb Chop says with a sniffle, "you'll always be remembered!"
In loving memory of... me! Heh. Like I said, the tentatively-titled Lamb Chops X is coming soon, so stayed tuned!