Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, yadda yadda yadda
A/N: This is really stupid. Flames are welcome :D
GANDALF SCREWS UP
One day the Fellowship decided to take a nice rest from their perilous journeys with the One Ring. The sunlight was waning as the Company ate a quick meal, and all were thinking solely of sleep as they chewed on those little cakes that the Elves gave them that I can't remember the names for, and Elrond's liquor that has powerful rejuvenation properties.
"Ah!" said Gandalf, "I feel rejuvenated!"
Told you.
Legolas nodded, and the evening light caught in his gorgeous blonde hair and caused it to shimmer like finely wrought silver. His generous and sensuous lips began to move and the undeserving air passed over his vocal chords, creating his sexy voice, and he said, "One of us should remain awake and watch for Orcs and the rest of us should retire for the night."
Frodo piped up, "I'll stay awake first, and then wake one of you in a few hours if all is well."
Gandalf smiled. "Alright, Frodo. Goodnight."
With that the rest of the Company ambled into a nearby cave. All promptly dropped off into slumber except for Gandalf. The wizard remained awake, unable to enter the realm of sleep. Sighing and stroking his long grey beard, he pulled himself in a sitting position and deliberated on what to do. He came to the conclusion that he might as well take over the night watch, because there was no use in keeping Frodo up for no reason.
Wandering out into the night, he spotted Frodo leaning against a tree and trying not to nod off into slumber. Gandalf then called the little hobbit's name, which obviously startled him.
"I'm sorry Gandalf... I didn't realize how tired I was," he murmured sheepishly and yawning. "I'll try to stay awake."
"That won't be necessary, Frodo," Gandalf said affectionately. "I am having trouble getting sleep, and I will take over your watch for you."
"Thank you," said Frodo. He got up and went back to the cave, and with each step he grew wearier. As soon as his head hit the ground he was out like a light.
Moments passed, and then hours. The Grey Sorcerer sighed and looked up at the stars. "Gilthoniel almighty I'm bored," he muttered bitterly, wishing he had left Frodo to his own out here, but Frodo would have probably fallen asleep and been eaten by something, and they'd all be up shit creek. His old eyes traveled to his staff and he decided to do what all wizards do when they have nothing important at hand: work on their magic.
Gandalf liked casting spells.
He grabbed his staff and began waving it in slow circles, chanting to himself slowly in the guttural Orc language of Mordor which I cannot write down. Actually I'm too lazy to come up with anything.
Deal with it.
When the alarming sutra was finished, Gandalf raised his staff high in the air and thundered a great "HOCUS POCUS!"
...
...
.
.
I said deal with it god damnit!
Anyway,
and there was a great, bright light. When the hapless wizard again came to his senses, he was lying against the aforementioned tree.
"I wonder if I should have said Alakazam?" Gandalf said to himself. "Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'll work on it again some other time." The first rays of the sun were creeping over the horizon and the sorcerer unsheathed his Elven sword, Glamdring, examining it. "No Orcs are near," he stated, and, feeling more at ease, his eyes slid shut.
NEXT DAY
Frodo opened his eyes and stretched. A feeling of excitement bubbled up inside of him and he sat bolt upright, hardly able to contain himself. He scrambled to his hairy feet and leaped over his companions, jostling each.
"Wake up everyone!" he said ecstatically, which elicited a few grumbles and shifting among the rest of the group. Frodo rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion and then settled his eyes on Gandalf, fast asleep against the tree.
"Gandalf!" he shouted, and ran up to the old man who was fast asleep. "Gaaaaaandalf!"
Frodo's blue eyes grew larger as he silently crept up to the dreaming wizard. "H...hey..." stuttered the hobbit fearfully. "G-G-Gandalf..."
Grabbing a nearby twig he proceeded to prod Gandalf with it. "Gandalf! Are you DEAD?" said Frodo in wonder.
The wizard's eyes snapped open under his bushy grey eyebrows and he faced the young hobbit, annoyed.
"No. I was sleeping."
"OH!" cried Frodo. "I'm SORRY but you have to admit you're pretty OLD and I was wondering if you had DIED or something."
Gandalf's eyes narrowed. "What's the matter with you, Frodo?"
The hobbit grinned hugely. "I don't know I guess its cause I'm SO EXCITED I mean we get to go to MORDOR!" At this point Frodo began jumping up and down on his furry little feet. "MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR!"
"Frodo... have you gotten into the miruvor?"
"MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR!"
Gandalf stepped back, worried. Had his spell caused this? Alarm rising within him, he decided to talk it out with Aragorn. The ranger would surely know what to do, and he might even have a counter spell somewhere in his deep knowledge. Making his way towards the cave, he decided to let the rest of the company sleep so they would not see the sorry state of affairs he had put things in.
His long legs stepped over Legolas, whose long, dark eyelashes rested against his pale face. The Elf's blond hair spilled in a golden waterfall down his shoulders and back. His sexy, perfect body rose and fell in rhythm with each quiet breath he took. Gimli and those other hobbits were there too but who needs them.
Gandalf shook Aragorn's shoulders gently, rousing the Ranger out of his sleep and dodgy dreams of Arwen. Needless to say, he was not pleased. "What is it, Gandalf?" he murmured thickly, still semi-conscious.
"There is a matter of utmost importance dealing with a folly on my part and the ring bearer. I need to speak with you immediately."
Aragorn listened with half his attention and then stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at Gandalf. The wizard sputtered indignantly. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.
"I wanna sleep some more... I totally don't care about the stupid journey! You guys are all, like, no fun!" he pouted.
"Aragorn son of Arathorn," boomed Gandalf, "Do not tempt me!"
The Ranger raised his arm. "Talk to the hand old man," he said obstinately, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. Gandalf brought his gnarled old hand to his beard once more, the full effects of his spell crashing down all around him.
A FEW HOURS LATER...
"EEEEEEEK!"
A high pitched, girlish scream echoed through the cave and the squat form of Gimli could be seen running as fast as his stout legs could carry him. "Oh! Oh! Oh! I saw a mouse! It was a mouse! EEEEEEEEEK!"
Gandalf hung his head low.
Legolas stepped out of the area everyone else was sleeping, rubbing his gorgeous eyes. "Uhhh..." his smooth, sexy voice rumbled huskily, and Gandalf looked up at him.
"Hmm..." hmm'ed Gandalf. If his reasoning was correct, since Elves could not succumb to any form of disease or outside pathogen, perhaps the Elf was also spared the effects of the spell he had inadvertently cast the night before.
"Come here, Legolas," beckoned the wizard.
"Yo!"
Or not.
Legolas came over, and Gandalf decided to ignore his previous comment in hopes the handsome Elf before him was unaffected. Haltingly, he explained the predicament he has put the Company into. Legolas's expression never wavered.
".... And that's how it happened. Do you have any suggestions as to what to do?"
Legolas waved a derisive arm. "To hell wif that noizze," he slurred. "I don't care about no Company no more. I gonna be crazy large as a gansta rappa."
"What?"
"A lyrical terrorist, ya old bastard, it's the word of mouf!"
Gandalf would have replied, but Gimli came rushing back to them, crashing through the flora and fauna of the tranquil forest. The dwarf looked extremely upset and Gandalf felt a fleeting hope rise within him that Gimli had been spared and was worried about the way the others were acting.
However, all of the wizard's hopes came crashing down when the son of Gloin said, "Do you guys think I look fat?"
Gandalf's mouth hung open.
"I guess I've been eating too much of that lembas the Elves gave us."
"HEY!" shouted Legolas. "Don't diss our goddam bread ya fatass no one asked you to eat nothin!"
"SO I AM FAT!" Gimli burst into tears.
"Psssssssh... I've been chittin' the chat long enough over here... Keep it realz!" Legolas headed back into the cave to work on his rap lyrics and left Gandalf to comfort a sobbing Gimli.
For a while everything seemed to be a haze. The wizard's thoughts were centered on one single purpose: getting the Fellowship back together. All Gandalf really remembered was telling Gimli he was not fat but husky, and having the dwarf run off in tears, only to come back later, Frodo hopping in on an imaginary pogo stick saying absolute nonsense which sounded somewhat like "FATTY WANT ORC PIES" and Legolas and Aragorn fighting over the space left in the cave.
SOME TIME PASSES...
"SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM!" yelled Frodo, bouncing up and down all over the gardener. "SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM!"
"Begging your pardon sir, but could you kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sam snapped, and Frodo just barely had time to dodge a right hook directed at his jaw.
Frodo's big blue eyes began to water. "T-t-t-t-that was m-m-m-m-mean!" he cried. "STRIDER! SAM IS BEING MEAN TO ME!"
Aragorn sat still, trying to ignore everyone around him and look creepy at the same time.
"STRIDER! ARE YOU LISTENING?!"
"Elessar, help me out wif dese lyrics up in here."
"Aragorn? Are you back to your senses yet?"
The Ranger sat still, fists clenched, body shaking. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed and everyone jumped. "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"
Everyone stared at the ranting man.
"MY NAME'S STEVE GOD DAMNIT! AND I'M FROM NEW JERSEY!" With this proclamation Aragorn broke down crying and the sounds of the sobs racking his body resounded across the utter silence of the cave.
"That is SO fucked up," commented Sam.
"FUCK YA'LL!" shouted Aragorn... or whatever the hell his name is.
SUDDENLY...
Gandalf saw a faint light coming from Sting on Frodo's belt. "Orcs..." he murmured, and got up. "There's Orcs very near!"
"Nobody cares," said Sam.
The light streaming in from the cave entrance grew very dim and the shrill cries of the demons could be heard. Gandalf was practically shitting his robes but everyone else was in their own little worlds. Was this the end of the Fellowship?
Eh... probably.
TO BE CONTINUED
A/N: This is really stupid. Flames are welcome :D
GANDALF SCREWS UP
One day the Fellowship decided to take a nice rest from their perilous journeys with the One Ring. The sunlight was waning as the Company ate a quick meal, and all were thinking solely of sleep as they chewed on those little cakes that the Elves gave them that I can't remember the names for, and Elrond's liquor that has powerful rejuvenation properties.
"Ah!" said Gandalf, "I feel rejuvenated!"
Told you.
Legolas nodded, and the evening light caught in his gorgeous blonde hair and caused it to shimmer like finely wrought silver. His generous and sensuous lips began to move and the undeserving air passed over his vocal chords, creating his sexy voice, and he said, "One of us should remain awake and watch for Orcs and the rest of us should retire for the night."
Frodo piped up, "I'll stay awake first, and then wake one of you in a few hours if all is well."
Gandalf smiled. "Alright, Frodo. Goodnight."
With that the rest of the Company ambled into a nearby cave. All promptly dropped off into slumber except for Gandalf. The wizard remained awake, unable to enter the realm of sleep. Sighing and stroking his long grey beard, he pulled himself in a sitting position and deliberated on what to do. He came to the conclusion that he might as well take over the night watch, because there was no use in keeping Frodo up for no reason.
Wandering out into the night, he spotted Frodo leaning against a tree and trying not to nod off into slumber. Gandalf then called the little hobbit's name, which obviously startled him.
"I'm sorry Gandalf... I didn't realize how tired I was," he murmured sheepishly and yawning. "I'll try to stay awake."
"That won't be necessary, Frodo," Gandalf said affectionately. "I am having trouble getting sleep, and I will take over your watch for you."
"Thank you," said Frodo. He got up and went back to the cave, and with each step he grew wearier. As soon as his head hit the ground he was out like a light.
Moments passed, and then hours. The Grey Sorcerer sighed and looked up at the stars. "Gilthoniel almighty I'm bored," he muttered bitterly, wishing he had left Frodo to his own out here, but Frodo would have probably fallen asleep and been eaten by something, and they'd all be up shit creek. His old eyes traveled to his staff and he decided to do what all wizards do when they have nothing important at hand: work on their magic.
Gandalf liked casting spells.
He grabbed his staff and began waving it in slow circles, chanting to himself slowly in the guttural Orc language of Mordor which I cannot write down. Actually I'm too lazy to come up with anything.
Deal with it.
When the alarming sutra was finished, Gandalf raised his staff high in the air and thundered a great "HOCUS POCUS!"
...
...
.
.
I said deal with it god damnit!
Anyway,
and there was a great, bright light. When the hapless wizard again came to his senses, he was lying against the aforementioned tree.
"I wonder if I should have said Alakazam?" Gandalf said to himself. "Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'll work on it again some other time." The first rays of the sun were creeping over the horizon and the sorcerer unsheathed his Elven sword, Glamdring, examining it. "No Orcs are near," he stated, and, feeling more at ease, his eyes slid shut.
NEXT DAY
Frodo opened his eyes and stretched. A feeling of excitement bubbled up inside of him and he sat bolt upright, hardly able to contain himself. He scrambled to his hairy feet and leaped over his companions, jostling each.
"Wake up everyone!" he said ecstatically, which elicited a few grumbles and shifting among the rest of the group. Frodo rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion and then settled his eyes on Gandalf, fast asleep against the tree.
"Gandalf!" he shouted, and ran up to the old man who was fast asleep. "Gaaaaaandalf!"
Frodo's blue eyes grew larger as he silently crept up to the dreaming wizard. "H...hey..." stuttered the hobbit fearfully. "G-G-Gandalf..."
Grabbing a nearby twig he proceeded to prod Gandalf with it. "Gandalf! Are you DEAD?" said Frodo in wonder.
The wizard's eyes snapped open under his bushy grey eyebrows and he faced the young hobbit, annoyed.
"No. I was sleeping."
"OH!" cried Frodo. "I'm SORRY but you have to admit you're pretty OLD and I was wondering if you had DIED or something."
Gandalf's eyes narrowed. "What's the matter with you, Frodo?"
The hobbit grinned hugely. "I don't know I guess its cause I'm SO EXCITED I mean we get to go to MORDOR!" At this point Frodo began jumping up and down on his furry little feet. "MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR!"
"Frodo... have you gotten into the miruvor?"
"MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR MORDOR!"
Gandalf stepped back, worried. Had his spell caused this? Alarm rising within him, he decided to talk it out with Aragorn. The ranger would surely know what to do, and he might even have a counter spell somewhere in his deep knowledge. Making his way towards the cave, he decided to let the rest of the company sleep so they would not see the sorry state of affairs he had put things in.
His long legs stepped over Legolas, whose long, dark eyelashes rested against his pale face. The Elf's blond hair spilled in a golden waterfall down his shoulders and back. His sexy, perfect body rose and fell in rhythm with each quiet breath he took. Gimli and those other hobbits were there too but who needs them.
Gandalf shook Aragorn's shoulders gently, rousing the Ranger out of his sleep and dodgy dreams of Arwen. Needless to say, he was not pleased. "What is it, Gandalf?" he murmured thickly, still semi-conscious.
"There is a matter of utmost importance dealing with a folly on my part and the ring bearer. I need to speak with you immediately."
Aragorn listened with half his attention and then stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at Gandalf. The wizard sputtered indignantly. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.
"I wanna sleep some more... I totally don't care about the stupid journey! You guys are all, like, no fun!" he pouted.
"Aragorn son of Arathorn," boomed Gandalf, "Do not tempt me!"
The Ranger raised his arm. "Talk to the hand old man," he said obstinately, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. Gandalf brought his gnarled old hand to his beard once more, the full effects of his spell crashing down all around him.
A FEW HOURS LATER...
"EEEEEEEK!"
A high pitched, girlish scream echoed through the cave and the squat form of Gimli could be seen running as fast as his stout legs could carry him. "Oh! Oh! Oh! I saw a mouse! It was a mouse! EEEEEEEEEK!"
Gandalf hung his head low.
Legolas stepped out of the area everyone else was sleeping, rubbing his gorgeous eyes. "Uhhh..." his smooth, sexy voice rumbled huskily, and Gandalf looked up at him.
"Hmm..." hmm'ed Gandalf. If his reasoning was correct, since Elves could not succumb to any form of disease or outside pathogen, perhaps the Elf was also spared the effects of the spell he had inadvertently cast the night before.
"Come here, Legolas," beckoned the wizard.
"Yo!"
Or not.
Legolas came over, and Gandalf decided to ignore his previous comment in hopes the handsome Elf before him was unaffected. Haltingly, he explained the predicament he has put the Company into. Legolas's expression never wavered.
".... And that's how it happened. Do you have any suggestions as to what to do?"
Legolas waved a derisive arm. "To hell wif that noizze," he slurred. "I don't care about no Company no more. I gonna be crazy large as a gansta rappa."
"What?"
"A lyrical terrorist, ya old bastard, it's the word of mouf!"
Gandalf would have replied, but Gimli came rushing back to them, crashing through the flora and fauna of the tranquil forest. The dwarf looked extremely upset and Gandalf felt a fleeting hope rise within him that Gimli had been spared and was worried about the way the others were acting.
However, all of the wizard's hopes came crashing down when the son of Gloin said, "Do you guys think I look fat?"
Gandalf's mouth hung open.
"I guess I've been eating too much of that lembas the Elves gave us."
"HEY!" shouted Legolas. "Don't diss our goddam bread ya fatass no one asked you to eat nothin!"
"SO I AM FAT!" Gimli burst into tears.
"Psssssssh... I've been chittin' the chat long enough over here... Keep it realz!" Legolas headed back into the cave to work on his rap lyrics and left Gandalf to comfort a sobbing Gimli.
For a while everything seemed to be a haze. The wizard's thoughts were centered on one single purpose: getting the Fellowship back together. All Gandalf really remembered was telling Gimli he was not fat but husky, and having the dwarf run off in tears, only to come back later, Frodo hopping in on an imaginary pogo stick saying absolute nonsense which sounded somewhat like "FATTY WANT ORC PIES" and Legolas and Aragorn fighting over the space left in the cave.
SOME TIME PASSES...
"SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM!" yelled Frodo, bouncing up and down all over the gardener. "SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM!"
"Begging your pardon sir, but could you kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sam snapped, and Frodo just barely had time to dodge a right hook directed at his jaw.
Frodo's big blue eyes began to water. "T-t-t-t-that was m-m-m-m-mean!" he cried. "STRIDER! SAM IS BEING MEAN TO ME!"
Aragorn sat still, trying to ignore everyone around him and look creepy at the same time.
"STRIDER! ARE YOU LISTENING?!"
"Elessar, help me out wif dese lyrics up in here."
"Aragorn? Are you back to your senses yet?"
The Ranger sat still, fists clenched, body shaking. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed and everyone jumped. "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"
Everyone stared at the ranting man.
"MY NAME'S STEVE GOD DAMNIT! AND I'M FROM NEW JERSEY!" With this proclamation Aragorn broke down crying and the sounds of the sobs racking his body resounded across the utter silence of the cave.
"That is SO fucked up," commented Sam.
"FUCK YA'LL!" shouted Aragorn... or whatever the hell his name is.
SUDDENLY...
Gandalf saw a faint light coming from Sting on Frodo's belt. "Orcs..." he murmured, and got up. "There's Orcs very near!"
"Nobody cares," said Sam.
The light streaming in from the cave entrance grew very dim and the shrill cries of the demons could be heard. Gandalf was practically shitting his robes but everyone else was in their own little worlds. Was this the end of the Fellowship?
Eh... probably.
TO BE CONTINUED