Play On Words In which Janeway figures out the riddle and Rccok inhales some poor girl's face!, a startrek: voyager fanfic

Play on Words part 2- In which Janeway solves the riddle and Rccok inhales someone's face! (Or could be, as it's not like I actually plan these things out before I write them.)

Disclaimer- I don't own Star Trek: Voyager/Generation/DS9. I'd be happy to take DS9 off your hands, Paramount, seeing as nobody else likes the Space Mall, though… ::Hides from flames before they get here:: Anyway, if I DID own Voyager, I would have it fly down and blow up my enemies with it's phasers… which is probably a plus to having a giant galactic space ship… Also, many, many parts of this taken from my faithful Collier's Dictionary, circa 1977. Yes- a hard copy! I don't own Collier's- though it'd be cool, and I only use a few of their definitions and pronunciation thingies. ^_^

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Vorik sat, uncomfortably perched, about three inches from falling into a huge abyss.

Funny- he hadn't remembered that being there before.

But here it was, a huge abyss in the floor of Engineering, and apparently he had to deal with it. He guessed this only because he was the only person near the giant hole, and he hadn't done anything in the story yet.

So, there was a hole. A large gaping abyss in the floor. Vorik searched his adroit Vulcan mind for some way to close this hole, but could not immediately think of anything that would work. Or work well. He looked around.

Another hole was appearing in the wall. Vorik headed over towards the wall, and observed this hole. Odd- it appeared to be the same type of hole as the one in the floor, only it was spreading, slowly taking on the size and shape of the one in the floor.

Another one was appearing in the ceiling, and Vorik began to fear that the room he was in might disappear altogether, and he would be left there, floating in the space of deck 12.

Vorik decided to look over the facts logically. These holes first appeared when the ship had lost its power in the inexplicable shutdown. Could it be a virus that had escaped the medical bay? Well… no, as to Vorik's knowledge, there were no diseases that ate holes in walls and ceilings of large spaceships. So that was out.

Wait- perhaps this was a subplot! Vorik's hopes rose unlogically, only to be smushed by his next thought-

He wasn't important enough for a subplot.

Vorik hung his head. This meant only one thing- he had found the room where the plot holes were growing. Not important at all. Well, he might as well inform the Captain.

"Ensign Vorik to Captain Janeway."

Up on the Bridge, Janeway had been enjoying a game of 'How far can B'Elana throw Harry with only one arm in operation?' She tapped her commbadge in annoyance. "Yes, Ensign, what the hell is it?"

"There are large plot holes appearing in Engineering." The Vulcan replied.

Janeway shuddered. That damn Vulcan's calm voice made her feel like her insides were being torn out and shoved in the freezer. "So?"

Vorik paused for a second. "Should I do something about them, Captain?"

The Captain rolled her eyes, and watched as Harry went flying past, screaming. "Of course not, you green-eyed Vulcan git. Where would we be without our plot holes? They have to show up SOMEWHERE. Janeway out."

"Three points!" Tom yelled, and gave the Chief Engineer a high-five.

Back down in Engineering, Vorik looked confused. He did not have green eyes. They were most distinctly hazel colored. And how had he actually communicated with the Captain when the power on the entire ship was out and the communicators shouldn't have worked? And why-

Vorik fell in a plot hole.

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log-ic (loj'ik) n. 1. The science of correct reasoning. 2. System or method of reasoning 'the logic of Aristotle' 3. Sound thinking, reason 4. A damn pain in the ass

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If there was one thing Janeway hated, it was strawberry daiquiris with arsenic coating the glass. If there was another thing she hated, it was stupid Ensigns trying to close up plot holes that they obviously needed to stay in operation. If there was a third thing she hated, it was stupid riddles that everyone else could solve but her.

The Captain hated a lot of other things, too, but this riddle was REALLY pissing her off. The only reason she didn't give it right up was because Chakotay had gotten it before her, and that meant it had to be mind-blisteringly easy, because Chakotay was mind-blisteringly dumb.

The Bridge was quiet, and Janeway knew it was because she had nearly nailed B'Elana with her phaser. And now everyone else was hiding behind the tactical station and plotting their revolution. But it wouldn't work. The revolutions never worked. Only freaky green-skinned aliens ever pulled off ship hijacks, and those not even being revolutions, Janeway had completely lost her train of thought and now rambled off finishing up with a sentence that makes no sense.

Ah yes… the riddle.

Over behind the tactical station, Tom Paris was the ringleader of their soon-to-be revolution. It was doomed to failure. "Okay… first of all, we need to elect a leader of this revolution." Tom said.

"It should be me, since I'm the next-in-command of this ship." Chakotay said.

"But you have spent too much time near the Captain- you could be corrupted by her evil influence." B'Elana said, and that made so much sense to Chakotay, that he shrugged and agreed that the Chief Engineer must be right.

"I think I should be the leader." Neelix said. His face was still covered in Leola root stew. The motley band of revolutionaries took one look at Neelix and decided that if they wanted to waste there time, they might as well just leader an army of snowmen into Hell. "You're right- bad idea." Neelix said after a minute. Some stew dripped off the edge of his nose.

"Why don't we just let Tom be the leader?" Harry asked, scratching his ear. "We already know we won't pull this off, so we might as well let Tom, who's going to be demoted anyway, lead us on."

"That's right… we can claim that he corrupted our mind!" B'Elana exclaimed.

"With what- Captain Proton episodes?" Seven asked, but no one answered her.

"Alright- I'm the leader." Tom said, looking proud of himself. "Let's-"

B'Elana frowned. "Just because you're the leader doesn't mean you get to make the decisions, Tom."

Chakotay nodded. Having had a lot of experience with this as the leader of the Maquis, he knew what it was like to have no control over what was going on. Much like what was going on now.

The motley band traded glances. "Okay- so… what'll we do? How do we over come the evil Captain with her phasers?" Chakotay asked.

Neelix shrugged. "We could flood the Bridge with sleeping-gas." The Talaxian suggested.

Harry shook his head. "Won't work- we're on the Bridge, too."

This brought the revolutionaries to a stand-still once again. They had all forgotten that, and only Harry's intense studying of spatial relations as a youth had saved them from what could have been incredibly humiliating.

Of course, it completely escaped them all that they all had phasers as well, and that they outnumbered the lone Captain, who was completely engrossed in her riddle. She was so unconcerned with what her senior staff was doing that she didn't even bother snooping in on them, even though they were talking audibly enough for anyone to hear.

So it was a stand-off.

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tym-pa-nist (tim'pe nist) n. 1. Member of an Orchestra who plays a kettledrum, and, usually, other percussion instruments. 2. The enemy of oboists everywhere 3. A fond enjoyer of Cadburry Eggs- especially the kind with Caramel.

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Back to the turbolift.

Tuvok was annoyed with the turbolift. It was not logical to be annoyed with an inanimate object. But here he was, annoyed with it.

It was illogical for him to be stuck in a turbolift. Chakotay had already gotten himself stuck in a turbolift in 'The Space Turtles' story. This was a plot-gimmee repeat, and a dumb one at that.

But Tuvok did not understand the will of authors. He did not understand that something that was funny once will probably be funny the least of which three more times. He did not understand that 'getting stuck in a turbolift' was the oldest joke since the infamous 'pie in the face.'

Tuvok did not understand, but he didn't particularly care to, as it was illogical, and thus, he would no endure it.

The box of Jenga-blocks beckoned from the corner.

Tuvok ignored it, and set about looking around the turbolift. It would be logical to wait for the power to turn back on, and thus, the turbolifts to begin moving. No, on second thought, it would not be logical, as the power was not scheduled to come back on for another hour or so.

The box of Jenga-blocks winked at him and wiggled its hips.

"Yes," Tuvok said aloud, "I must endeavor to get out of here."

Little did Tuvok know, but the author had plans for him. Not important plans. Rather, plans to get him out of the way while she dealt with more important things- like getting Rccok to inhale some poor-girl's face. These were the important things. Tuvok ranked about the level of Vorik in the author's to-do list.

At that exact moment, a plot hole opened in the roof of the turbolift, and in fell Vorik.

"Interesting- I have never seen a plot hole open itself so readily and obviously in front of a member of the crew." Tuvok said, oblivious to the fact that Vorik was rolling around in pain on the floor of the turbolift with pens stuck in various parts of his body.

The Jenga box laughed evilly, and the plot hole closed.

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sa-dis-tic (se dis'tik) adj. 1. Relating to or characterized by sadism 2. A really dumb definition in the dictionary. 3. The act of jabbing pens in various parts of someone's body and the laughing at them. 4. Something which I have, apparently, recently become.

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Rccok had just inhaled some poor girl's face.

There's no need to go into details. It's just that I TOLD you he would be inhaling someone's face, and damnit, I was right.

I'm always right. I'm the AUTHOR!

So what if self-addition into a story is dumb? So what if admitting what's going on is a fictional creation of your own deluded mind is overdone! I'm doing it, and gosh-darn it, if you're reading this fiction than you're already subject to my whim as it is, and you couldn't care less!

What's that about making your audience happy? Yeah, I've heard of that. Never put no faith in it, though…

Anyway.

Rccok had inhaled some more girl's face. Normally, the poor girl would be rolling around on the floor screaming in pain, but as she no longer had a face, she was rolling around but unable to scream. Rccok stared at her, having no clue what was going on. And honestly, neither did any of the innocent bystanders, who were, later, at a loss to explain how the whole event had happened in the first place.

Rather than trying to explain any of it, they just brought the face-less girl to the doctor and said, 'Rccok did it.' As Rccok was no smarter then a box of Flavor Blasted Goldfish (They're good, buy some, I don't own them.) and the doctor was reduced to walking around saying "See, this is why you don't walk around picking fights with people three feet taller than you," the girl probably felt as if she was in very incompetent hands all of that day.

But, now free of the sucking-in-the-girl's-face complication, Ensign Rccok was free to go about and do more mess-up-of-the-plot. And that was what he had done well.

By means of plot-holes, Rccok made it from where ever he was to another part of the ship, where something very suspicious was going on… mainly, Lieutenant Punion and Ensign Punion. Lieutenant Punion was the elder of the Punion brothers, and had the complexion of unbleached enriched wheat flour. The younger Punion, however, had orange skin, which wouldn't have been unusual if, say, they were Rexes. But no, the Punion brothers were Bolians, and as such, their tan and orange skin made them outcasts among their blue-skinned Bolian kind.

But this was not important. What WAS important was that they were playing video games directly off of the ship's main computer. They did not look up as Rccok approached.

As we all may be coming to realize, as nothing happens in these stories without some reason (Except the inhaling of the poor girl's face) this was important. The game, called 'Bolian Monsters eat little Pixies' had obviously been the game that had crashed the ship's computer, and the power stayed down since they continued to play the game.

Rccok, however, was not smart enough to realize this. (Of course, I mean, come ON- he inhaled some girl's face!) Instead, he cheerfully clapped the shoulders of the two little Bolians. "Friends!" He exclaimed happily.

The two Bolians were reduced to crumpled balls of orange and tan whimpers after the Sentinilite mangled their innocent bodies with that friendly gesture. On the computer's screen, the Bolian monsters suddenly stopped moving. The pixies, sensing their chance, swarmed down on their former oppressors, and powder-shocked the two monsters into oblivion.

Green lights flashed across the screen as the computer said, "Ha ha, you loose, loosers." In her bland, monotone voice.

The power whirred back on. Rccok looked around in amazement, and then walked out through a door, which had failed to get out of his way, as hastily as it had tried to move.

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Qua-ter-na-ry (kwa'ter ner'e) n. Second geological period of the Cenozoic era, including the Pleistocene and Recent epochs.