Frasier Fan Fiction
Vick Says : This fan fiction is based on the 4th season , it happens some days after the "Daphne Hates Sherry" episode. Of course, Bulldog, Gil Chesterton and Chopper Dave are here just as a comedy relief, please feel free to email me with your comments to this adress vickpena@yahoo.com.mx
Special Thanks: I `d like to thank Moxie for her encouragment...
This is my first entry for the 1^st. Annual Forever Fabulously Frasier Fan Fiction Extravaganza
The Love Potion
Frasier was really pleased, it had been a good show so far. A lot of people on the edge of sanity had called in, seeking the wise advice of the famous radio psychiatrist. The calls had all been an intellectual challenge. They had made him forget the bad case of flu he had experienced a few days earlier. Now he was in good shape, ready to help the entire Seattle area with his show. It was a shame, really, that he had not much time left in which to do it. There was only a minute remaining.
"Seattle, our time is almost up, but we can take one last call," he smiled at Roz.
"Roz, who's on line 1?"
"We have Ruth, she's frightened of her neighbor," Roz said into the mike.
"Well," Frasier said and hit the button. "Ruth, I'm listening."
"I am so scared, Dr. Crane." Her tone of voice showed that she really meant it.
She was almost whispering.
Frasier was intrigued.
"My neighbor is..."
"Ruth, why are you whispering?"
"I am afraid of his revenge," she stated. Roz put aside her sandwich to pay attention.
"My neighbor is a . . . voodoo sorcerer!"
This made Frasier chuckle. Magic was a vast and interesting topic, but he held no belief in it.
No one had mystical powers to call forth the spirits.
Sarcastically. "Voodoo?"
"Yes, Doctor. I've heard him chanting invocations at midnight. I have seen him kill black roosters.
He threated me. He said I will wake up a rabbit one of these days!"
Roz made gestures emulating a hopping rabbit. Frasier did his best not to laugh, with no sucess.
"Ruth," he said. "Listen to me. Black magic and sorcery do not exist."
"But Mrs Martinez broke her leg a week ago . . . and she had just had an argument with him!"
"I hear you, Ruth, but," he spoke authoritatively. "Nobody, except through the use of physical means, can cause harm to anyone. However," Frasier smiled. "If that maniac sings all night, the lack of sleep could cause one to have an car accident the next day." Ruth laughed. Frasier decided to try something therapeutic. "Ruth, tell me, have you seen proof of these powers? I mean...can the man fly? Hover? Turn lead into gold? If he can do that, I'd like his phone number. I have some lead bars at home."
"No, I haven't seen any proof," the caller said.
"You see, he is nothing but a nut case who just wants to impress people. I am sure of this."
Ruth laughed harder.
"Thank you, Dr. Crane. I am not afraid anymore. I will tell everybody in the building about all this. Thanks."
She hung up. Roz applauded in silence.
"Oh, well," Frasier said. "Ruth, if you're still a human being, keep this in mind. If you wake up tomorrow with fuzzy feet, simply remove your bunny slippers." Roz laughed. "This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health. And . . . keep some garlic on hand for the vampires."
When the `On Air' light was off Roz entered with a pile of papers, all phone messages.
"You were terrific, Fras." She showed him the messages. "You broke the record for phone calls."
"Just another day in the work life of Frasier Crane," he said, and started to arrange his papers to leave. Roz hovered nervously around the booth.
"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"I was just imagining that voodoo sorcerer getting angry.".
"Oh, c'mon, Roz!"
"What if he seeks revenge and leads the darkness against you?"
"Roz, Roz," He extended his hands. "Magic is a psycological abberation, not a mystical element. Look, people in the dark ages believed all that stuff." She yawned. "Roz, this is important.! Back then people had no culture." Bulldog entered, pushing his cart. "And some of them still prevale.The masses back then were controlled by people who claimed to have powers like . . . to turn one's self into a monster, or the ability to fly." Frasier shook his head. "Now the only magic I know of is my father sleeping with Sherry, eating too much fat and drinking too many beers without becoming ill!"
Roz laughed at the joke and patted him on the back.
Bulldog grinned and honked at them.
"Hey, Doc," he said. "You shouldn't tell her that."
"Bulldog, you too?"
He began to place his things around the panel, smiling at Roz, who ignored him.
"Some years ago a gypsy cursed me with..." he started.
"Let me guess," Roz snapped. "A small brain and hopeless lust!"
Bulldog looked at her, surprised.
"That's it!" he pointed at Roz. "How'd you know?"
"You don't want to know," Frasier said, walking out of the booth.
"You're a witch!" he said in mock horror. "I know how to fight you!" He honked his air horn at her. "Now get out, I have a show to do!"
"I would like to get him an appointment with that voodoo sorcerer," she said, irritated.
Frasier smiled. "Believe me, Roz, that can be arranged."
***
Niles smiled at the beautiful sight that had just entered the café. Daphne saw him and waved,
walking over to him. He got up to greet her.
"Hey, Dr. Crane," she said cheerfully.
"Daphne," he smiled. "Do you have time for coffee?"
"Why, of course." She sat across him while he gestured for the waitress. "Your father and Sherry threw me out," she said, seeming to want to start a conversation. "Those lovebirds take their realtionship very seriously."
"Lucky them," he said in a whisper. Daphne didn't hear him; she was pulling a magazine out of her purse. "But tell me," he asked, deciding to take advantage of his luck, for the moment, of having Daphne with him. Frasier wasn't around to ruin everything and . . .oh, God . . .
that perfume . . .
"So, how are things between you and Sherry these days?"
"Oh," she said, placing the magazine on the table. "Fine, I guess. She's a pain in the butt, but I try to hold my tongue."
"I see." He sat straight in his chair. "It's good to hear that, Daphne."
"Yeah, I try to think of Mr Crane," She stated. "He seems quite comfortable with her so. . .
I go along with it."
"Yes, some people are lucky enough to find their significant other," Niles said, and then added, "while others don't have the courage to fight for my love." He panicked. What have I said!? Luckily she didn't seem to notice. She just nodded.
"Love always knocks on our door," she smiled. "Eventually."
"Thats very poetic, Daphne." Niles sipped his coffee, looking at her. She opened the magazine and leaned over to read an article. Her hair smelled like vanilla and strawberry. Oh, God, how I'm enjoying this . . .
"Oh, look at this, Dr. Crane!" She pushed the magazine in his direction. Niles began to read, and soon he felt her hand upon his, for just a second. The article hadn't seemed important before her touch. "It's incredible what some people do for love."
"Interesting," he said, looking at the article. It could be a sign. He read, `This is a testimony for those who think love is something hard to find, for those who think that beloved person is unreachable.' "Oh, most interesting," he said and began to read it out loud It was an advertisement. "This is a testimony to YOU, you people who haven't yet found love. Quit suffering over that loved one who doesn't know you're alive." He looked at her briefly; she didn't notice. "Talk to Madame Nadine and she'll give you the answer to your pleas," Niles ended.
She laughed.
"Magic doesn't exist," he stated. But he snuck a peek at the phone number of Madame Nadine. Good, a local number . . . oh, what are you doing, Niles Crane? he asked himself. A gypsy? His heart gave him the answer. If you love her you can do anything to win her heart. Hey, it couldn't hurt. The woman probably didn't have any powers, but . . . who knew, maybe she really could work the miracle. Yeah, right, Niles, a love potion.
"Thats stupid," he said, more to himself than to Daphne.
Daphne agreed."Yeah, it does sound stupid, but . . . tell me, Dr. Crane . . .wouldn't you do anything for love?" She looked up at the clock. "Oh, gotta go now, I have to pick up Dr. Crane's suit from cleaners". She started to pick up the magazine, but Niles was still looking at it, lost in dreams. "Want to keep it?"
He crash landed in the real world. It was absolutely stupid to try to get her heart, but....
"Er...no, no," he said and sipped his coffee to distract her attention. "You can take it."
She put it in her purse. "I'll see you later, Dr. Crane."
"Bye, Daphne." He watched her walk out with sincere hope in his eyes. Then he picked up his cell phone and dialed a number.
"This is Dr. Frasier Crane, Seattle, and we have our last call for the day." Frasier leaned back
in his chair to relax. "Roz?"
"We have Rob on line 1. He says he doesn't have a problem but he wants to talk to you."
"Oh, well," He hit the button. "Rob, I'm listening."
"You made me look like a clown!" A deep voice with Antillan accent said, "Now my neighbors are laughing at me!" Frasier smiled. Roz was scared. This was Ruth's voodoo sorcerer! "Now I'll show you and that cute Roz just how voodoo works!"
"Rob...Rob..c'mon," Frasier said in his professional voice. "We both know that voodoo is just a traditional Antillan way to show...."
Roz shook her head. Frasier may be a good psychiatrist but he didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. Wasn't he aware of the anger of this man?
"Voodoo is alfa and Omega, life and death...I'll turn Roz into a hungry animal with the natural instinct to kill you."
Roz was about to faint.
"We have to go to a station break, we'll be back in a few minutes." He pushed the `Off Air' button and rubbed his head. Roz entered to his booth and slapped him on the head with a rolled up paper.
"Didn't you hear that?"
Frasier was annoyed.
"Roz, Roz, stop worrying. This man is just...." Roz silenced him by placing her hand on his mouth.
"If I wake up tomorrow with the body of some animal, trust me, Frasier Crane, you'll be my breakfast, no matter how much cholesterol you contain. I'll eat you alive!"
"Roz..." he replyed when she got back to her booth. "He just wants to regain the control he had over his neighbors."
She made a bite gesture, put her earphones on her head and turned on the `On Air' light.
"Seattle, we're back," Frasier said. "Rob, are you still there?"
The booth suddenly filled with sounds of invocations in a foreign language. Roz covered her eyes with her hands, not wanting to see if she was turning into a dog or a cat or something worse.
Frasier just rolled his eyes. This little mystical show was starting to irritate him.
"Rob," called Frasier.
The answer was another string of loud invocations.
"Well, this is quite a performance!"
The invocations ceased.
"Really, I think you should leave all those insane noises in the can! If you think I believe that you can turn Roz into some man-hungry animal . . ." He looked over at her. She held a sign up to the window which read, "What are you doing for dinner, pork chop?" He waved at her in a "Oh, shut up" gesture. "Rob, why don't you get a job?...but, please, do not try to be a singer!"
"You'll know more about me later...and Roz...you'd better get some condiments for your meal," Rob said, and hung up.
"Seattle," Frasier said. "If any of you have problems with unwelcome guests, please call in tomorrow and I'll send you a copy of Rob's . . . invocations. But, for now, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health." He signed off.
Roz sat in her booth, just staring at her controls.
"Roz?" He walked around to her side. She ignored him
"Roz?"
"Which pan should I fry you in?"
Frasier shrugged and left.
Martin Crane and Daphne were in the living room of his apartment when he let himself in.
"I was listening to your show and...." Martin said from his armchair.
"Dad," he interrupted him. He was not in the mood to listen to any more talk about magic. He'd had enough. On the way home listeners had stopped him to give him all sorts of crazy advice. He had heard how he could protect himself with garlic, and to keep lemons in his pocket, and a thousand other things. Some elderly woman gave him a Mexican amulet which was now hanging around the neck of some man's dog. He really needed this, living in a highly populated city like Seattle.
"Dad, I don't want to hear any more advice on the subject of magic!"
"Geez, Frasier," Martin popped open his beer. "I was just going to say that you were very brave facing that voodoo looloo."
.
Frasier took off his coat and hung it up. His father's words surprized him.
"That's true, Dr Crane," Daphne added. "That man was really insane."
"Well....thank you Daphne, Dad." He went to the bar and poured himself a sherry.
"There's nothing to thank us for, Fras." Martin got up and hobbled toward the kitchen.
"I remember a silly thing that occurred twenty years ago. The Captain's wife threatened to turn him into a cow." Martin stopped and thought. "He laughed at it...but a few days later he was gone."
Frasier was now seated on the suede couch looking at him, intrigued.
"The wife said he ran away with some girl....we never relly knew. His wife was really a nice lady." Martin smiled at the memory." She brought us a lot of cheese and butter after that."
"Very funny, Dad"
Daphne burst into laughter, as did Martin.
"Oh, c'mon shrink, it's just a joke." His father entered the kitchen and continued. "That man just wanted to scare you to regain control over his neighbors."
"Well," said Frasier, startled. "I thought of that myself."
"We Brits have a lot of respect for magic," Daphne said. "It's like..."
"Folklore?" Frasier finished his drink. "People in England still believe in werewolves, for goodness sake."
"Oh, really? Well, you Americans believe in Big Foot!"
"And you put stock in the powers of a stupid stone circle!" Frasier replied.
Martin decided to interrupt.
"Kids, kids," he called, waving his cane. "Stop fighting or you'll get no dessert."
"I'm sorry, Daphne."
"Oh, no problem," she started for her room. "I wish that man really had the power to turn you to a zombie," she said under her breath.
"I heard that!"
"If you become a zombie I'll make you my slave," she stated. "I'll make you do whatever I want."
`I know who'd love to change places with me if that were to happen,' he thought, but said,
"Like swallow your traditional British breakfast?"
Martin laughed heartily, but she shot him a nasty look. He shut up at once.
***
Niles closed the door behind him, locking it.
He didn't want anyone to follow.
The package he was holding was extremely important; he had put his life at risk to obtain it - yes, real risk. He had gone to a nasty, dark alley, populated by drunken men, none of whom had the slightest acquaintance with the notion of bathing. He had risked his physical integrity, climbing the slippery steps, the Mercedes logo on his car fading into the distance. But there had been no other way to see Madame Nadine.
She was an elderly woman, old but cunning, sharp as a tack. She asked Niles what his problem was, but she already knew the answer: he was in pain over some woman, a foreign woman. The price she charged for solution of his problem was exorbitant, but Daphne worth it.
"You have to be aware," the woman said, searching in some drawers for the object Niles was seeking, "that for any darkness in the universe, there is a light to meet it. For every man there is a woman waiting; a perfect match. Think about whether you want to keep her, to force her to love you. Think, because you could lose your love for this person."
`What's that aroma?' Niles asked himself, distracted from the woman's speech. `My allergies will kick in if I stay here very long.' Then the gypsy handed him the box. She didn't allow him to open it, however; she held the lid closed.
"You must follow the instructions," the woman demanded. "Keep them in mind, follow them literally," she continued, "and then decide if you really need it."
"All right," he said.
"Do not open it until you get home," was her last order.
He was not going home; he was on his way to his office. He had one last patient to see at 7 o'clock. After that he planned to have dinner with Frasier.
Niles placed the box on the desk.
It was made of black wood, very large, 10 centimeters square. The lid was red with a ridiculous red heart painted on it.
Niles opened it, revealing a bottle nested amid blue silk.
The bottle had an exotic shape. It was old, from the 1920's maybe, and it was filled with a transparent liquid. Niles took the bottle out and shook it slightly. There was small scroll underneath, which likely had something to do with the bottle. Niles decided to smell the aroma....mmmm....night blooming flowers....exquisite..Was this lotion really the way to Daphne's heart? It didn't seemed to...now...let's see this scroll, it must contain the instructions.
"Let's see," Niles sat down on his chair. "A legendary sorcerer from an ancient civilization discovered the secrets of....oh, my....this is quite a speech....now...if you want to.....blah blah blah.....see if you.....blah blah...ah!" he stopped. "Spray this lotion liberally on yourself to gain the full effect on your desired woman's mind and heart. Think about how much you want this woman to like you." How much did he want Daphne to like him????? SOOO MUCH! So he sprayed the lotion for almost two minutes. "Now...time for the hunt."
But the hunt would have to wait, as somebody was knocking at the door,
Niles looked up at the clock...7 sharp....his last patient. It was a shame, but it was impossible to cancel now; the patient had paid cash up front. He would dispatch her quickly. If Frasier could do two minute therapy, so could he.
"Dr. Crane, Miss McPherson is waiting," Clarice said from outside.
"Let her in." Niles said now ready to solve her little problems, his treasure safely hidden in his desk.
Niles had been expecting some 60 year old woman with menopause problems, not this divine creature who walked into his office. She had the most exquisite body and heavenly blue eyes. She was wearing a skimpy, fitted dress, sand in color. Her hair was a beautiful blonde and cascaded over her naked shoulders. Her lips were sensual and she was smiling at him.
Niles felt the temperature rise as she entered the room....it was time to test this darn thing!
"Hello, Dr. Crane," she said. Her voice had the power to melt an iceberg in a matter of seconds.
He rose from his chair and extended his hand.
"I'm Dr. Niles Crane. Shall we begin?" he said.
She took his hand and nodded.
"Would you like to have a seat or do you prefer the couch?" he asked, courteously. She accepted the couch, so he sat in his chair, trying very hard not to look at her. She lay down with her head toward him.
"Now, what seems to be the problem, Ms McPherson?"
She crossed her arms over her chest and was silent. Niles was beginning to wonder if she was asleep, but then she started talking.
"I cannot find the perfect man for me." She turned her face to look at him. "Do you know what that's like?..Not to find the correct person for you?"
"I understand, yes." He wrote some lines in his notebook. She sniffed the air.
"Being too choosy is a clear indication of a lack of self acceptance," he explained, finishing his notes and turning to look at her. He saw the most fascinated look in her eyes.
"Is something wrong?"
"It's your perfume...it smells wonderfull, Dr. Crane." Her voice was now low, almost a sexy whisper.
"Er...thank you, um . . . let's continue." He looked at her fixedly, waiting for her to speak, but she just turned and winked, surprising him.
"Sometimes at night...I dream about him...a perfect gentleman," she said. "But when I wake up I feel terrible."
"Interesting." He wrote down some more lines. Meanwhile, she turned to look at him, upside down. "Tell me about this perfect gentleman, Miss McPherson."
"Melissa."
"What?"
"Melissa, Dr. Crane," she smiled. "Call me Melissa."
Niles smiled nervously. "I don't think that would be appropriate."
She smiled at him, flirting.
"Wouldn't you do it for me?" she asked in a sexy voice.
Niles dropped his notebook. When he regained his self control a few seconds later, he had to loosen his tie a bit. It was suddenly too tight.
"I suppose I could." He tried to use his professional voice, but that was becoming more difficult. "Now, Melissa." She winked at him again. "You...you were telling me about your perfect gentleman."
She smiled.
"Well..Dr. Crane," she placed her soft, beautifull hand on his knee. Niles almost jumped up from the chair. "He is elegant, very elegant. He likes to wear Armani suits." She began to play her fingers on his knees. "He is a professonal . . . a psychiatrist."
"Oh, Mama!" Niles was close to hyperventilating.
Melissa McPherson rose from the couch and, with no further warning, sat on his lap. She hugged him with one hand and began to play with his hair. Niles was speechless. Oh, God..this perfume works..it really works..hey!...what are you doing?...no...please no...don't kiss my ear!!!!
***
Frasier was at Nervosa, waiting for his brother to join him for dinner. Of course, he was on time, but it seemed that his brother was a little delayed. Probably some patient. Frasier held a very interesting book which he had borrowed from a collection he had found on the bookshelf of the café. It was about voodoo and its variants. He was reading it because he needed to know what Rob was trying to use agaisnt him. Of course, magic, or the belief in magic, could drive people to have hallucinations. Roz had called him the night before to tell him that a huge spider, a tarantula, was on her bed. She had said that it all was Rob's fault and the spider was there to intimidate her. Frasier had given her his favorite pest control expert's phone number and hung up. None of that was real, for God's sake! Let's look for some exercise, he said to himself as he found a basic voodoo spell.
The spell was very simple..you just had to focus your mind on some object, let's say a . . .dish. And think about a hammer crashing it. The spell was that the object...the dish, in this case...would crash into pieces as soon as you thought about it. OK. Frasier placed the book on the table and looked for a dish..there...that man over there didn't seem to like his biscotti, so...Frasier closed his eyes and imagined a hammer and how the hammer hit the dish and how it fell from the table and...
CRASH!!!
Frasier opened his eyes in surprise...he heard the dish shatter! His surprise became terror when he saw the object of his spell in its place, intact. The waitress had let a dish fall to the floor when she saw a man enter the café wearing a torn jacket, a shirt with lipstick all over it and his hair in disarray.
The man was Niles Crane.
"Oh, my God!" Frasier helped him to the table. Niles was exhausted, weak.
"What happened to you?"
"It was horrible, Frasier," he said, as his brother helped him to his seat. "I just escaped from..."
The nearest waitress came over to take his order, but there was something in her eyes that puzzled Frasier.
"That's a beautiful perfume," she said, and Niles looked at her in horror.
"Get lost!" he ordered. "Just bring me a cup of black coffee, quickly."
"Sure, honey" she winked at him.
"What the hell was that?" Frasier was completely puzzled.
"Oh, Frasier, it's horrible!"he stroked his hair in desperation. "Women find me irresistable!"
"Well, that explains it," Frasier said, and then pointed at his brothers clothes. "What happened to your clothes? And why are you so...why is there lipstick on your shirt?"
Niles looked down at his clothes, slowly.
"A fat lady tried to kiss me and she got angry when I said `no'."
"Niles, what are you talking about?"
"Look," he took some cards from his last intact pocket. "All of these are women who want to have a date with me...some of them even want to have children with me!"
"Are you out of your mind?" Frasier yelled and took the first card. "Melissa McPherson..." he read "What is this?...'call me lover'...oh, this is a joke!" He took another card. "Pamela Anderson...oh, c'mon Niles...you must be insane..." another card. "Jane Leeves?"
"She lives at the Montana," Niles whispered. "She is so..."
"I demand an explanation!" Frasier said.
"OK. I bought this stupid perfume." He was interrupted by the waitress, who put the coffee on the table and then placed a card with her name on it in his pocket. She then kissed him on the cheek .
"Coffee is on me, handsome." That was all she said before leaving.
Frasier dropped his jaw in shock.
"The gypsy said," Niles began.
"Gypsy?" Frasier interjected. Niles rolled his eyes.
"Is there some kind of echo in here? The gypsy said that if I wore this perfume women would find me irresistible." He shook his head, "but I think the result was a bit more than I expected."
"And why did you do it?" Frasier asked, but the answer was very clear. "Daphne..."
"I thought it would be interesting to know how it feels to be attractive to her," Niles stated, casually.
"Interesting?" Frasier was really angry. "I think you are exaggerating!!"
"Don't blame me," Niles said, and it was not an apology. "I want her to like me."
"But, c'mon, Niles," Frasier rubbed his head. "You're a psychiatrist...how can you believe in a magic perfume?"
"It works!"
"That's a lie!" Frasier pointed at the waitress who was still looking at Niles dreamly. "I think that woman and this ..." He looked down at the cards all over the table..how many were there?...twenty?..yeah, definitately more than twenty, but fewer than fifty. "These women find you attractive for yourself."
Niles was not paying attention. He had found something very interesting hidden inside his jacket which hung around his shoulder. He pulled it out.
"Oh, God!" Frasier was static looking at the tiny red bikini. Niles was holding. "Thats insane!" He snapped it out of his brother hands and hid it inside one of his own pockets.
"Do you want me to prove it?" Niles said, angrily.
Just then Bulldog entered the café, accompanied by a very attractive woman. Frasier waved at them.
"Here's your chance," he whispered to his brother.
"Hey, doc!" Bulldog said.
"Hey, Bulldog, aren't you going to introduce us to your date?"
The woman was as tall as Frasier, and she was gorgeous: a classic Bulldog date.
"I am Amber," she said smiling. "You must be Dr. Frasier Crane."
"Oh, have you heard my show?" Frasier shook her hand.
"No, but Buldog told me about some of your . . . `advice'.
Bulldog laughed.
"Very funny!" Frasier said. Then, indicating his brother, "this is my brother Niles."
"Wow!" Bulldog said, laughing as he looked Niles over. "Long night?" and laughed harder.
Amber was charmed, and inched closer to Niles until she was right next to him.
"Hello, Mr. Briscoe," Niles said.
"What a wonderfull perfume," Amber said, extending her hand.
"Thank you, miss." He shook her hand and discovered her strong, unyielding grip. "Um, you can let go now."
"What if I don't want to?" she said, smiling.
Bulldog jumped in.
"Hey! Leave my girl alone!" he said. "She's comin' with me!"
"I..."
"I am sorry, Bulldog," she said, then hugged Niles. He was staring Frasier, who's jaw had dropped. "But this man is everything a woman could want." She then she pinched Niles butt, he just shrugged. "I want to go with him."
"Amber!" Bulldog demanded
"Get lost," she said, and kissed Niles' forehead.
Frasier was speechless. Now Bulldog's jaw was agape.
"You should go with him, Amber. I am tired and need some rest," Niles said.
"I can make you feel better," she said in a sexy voice.
Bulldog sighed.
"Doc.." he exclaimed, "I think your brother has finally come to life!" Bulldog walked over and bearhugged Niles. "I am so proud of you, man!"
"Thank you, but now, please take this woman away!" Niles ordered.
Bulldog did, dragging her behind him, and they were gone.
"See?"
"Its incredible, Niles!" Frasier rubbed his hands together. "Would you give me some of that elixer?"
Niles was about to answer when they were interrupted.
"Oh, Frasier," Gil cried, waving at them. "Roz has been looking for you ..."
"Gil?"
"Oh, my," Gil looked at Niles clothes. "Laundry day?"
"Clever." Niles sipped his coffee. "Most clever."
"What were you saying about my show, Gil?" Frasier asked to no response. Gil was looking at Niles with a huge smile in his face. "Gil?"
"Oh, wow, Niles... what a charming perfume you're wearing!"
Niles leaped from his chair.
"Help me Frasier!!!!"
***
"Now, Niles," Frasier said when the elevator doors opened on the 19^th floor of the Elliot Bay Towers. "My first thought was to drive you home, but..." he ushered his brother out of the elevator. "But since all those women are following us, I decided it was for the better to come here. You can take a good shower, and Niles," Frasier took his brother by the collar. "if you even go near Daphne, I swear, I'll drench you with that perfume and throw you into the National Womens' Weighlifting Convention, you hear?"
"You wouldn't!" Niles said, horrified.
"Yes, well," Frasier warned. "Just behave and stay away from her." he added, opening the door. There was no one in the living room but Sherry, who was holding two glasses filled with an undefined liquid. "Damn!"
"Hi'ya Frasier!" she said walking to the hallway. "Oh, Roz has been looking for you... something about a box?"
"Thanks, I'll call her later," Frasier said, keeping Niles outside the apartment.
"Ok, see ya, gotta go keep your dad warm,"she said and was gone.
"Sherry, oh boy," Niles walked in. "That's the last woman I`d want to run into!" He sat on the suede couch. "If she ever finds me irresistable I'll have no other choice but to leave Seattle!"
"I know the perfect place for you to go.." Frasier was pouring some wine. "To Africa..to the nearest tribe of cannibals."
"Very funny," Niles said, annoyed, but accepted the wine his brother offered. "If I remember, you wanted to use the darn thing on yourself."
"I did," Frasier nodded. "Until I saw Gil..."
Niles grinned mischiveously.
"Ah, does this have something to do with that dream of yours?"
"Vade Retro." Frasier sipped his sherry.
"It seems that Daphne is not at home," Niles said, with a hint of dejection in his voice. He had really wanted to see her, even if it meant ending his days in the powerful arms of some professional female pro wrestler. "I'll have that shower now."
"Off you go," Frasier pointed toward Daphne's room. "Use Daphne's bathroom. I'll get you some clothes."
"OK," he said and walked in that direction.
The shower made Niles feel a little better. However, he couldn't help dreaming about his beloved Daphne Moon. He wanted to know what it would feel like to be the object of her love. But, just his luck, she was not at home.
Frasier brought him some of Dad's clothes. Niles hated them, but they fit, so he wore that old fashioned pair of pants and one of his father's favorite shirts.
"Say..."Niles asked. "Is the smell gone?"
"Niles, to be honest, I never did smell any perfume on you," and then added, off his look, "maybe only women can smell it."
"Then what about Gil?" Niles stopped. "Never mind."
"Why don't we go over to your place."
Then the phone rang.
It was Roz.
"Frasier, I have been looking for you all day!" she said, her voice urgent. "You have to get over here immediately...you see..Rob.."
"What did you find this time, Roz.... a shark in your coffee?"
Roz ignored that.
"He sent you a . . . box. "
"A box?"
"A black box," she stated. "It's in your booth and nobody wants to touch it."
Frasier could not help but feel intimidated. Niles was living proof that magic really worked, so...what if Rob really had all the powers he claimed?...what if Roz were turned into a hungry predator?
"But..." he paused to contol himself. "Can't you ask the maintenance man to remove it?"
"Who, Pete?"Roz laughed ironically. "The one who rubs a rabbit's foot for luck ?..the one who never walks under a ladder?..the one who never comes to work on Friday the 13^th? You must be going crazy...wait a minute..you ARE crazy."
Maybe it was time to probe all of his theories about magic..maybe it was time to prove to himself that Rob was not a Voodoo sorcerer. Maybe it was the time to emigrate to Africa to live among the cannibals.
"All right," Frasier said. "I'll be there in a few minutes."
"You'd better get here fast; Pete is considering a fire circle to keep the demons inside the box," Roz said and hung up.
"Oh, God..." Frasier placed the phone on its cradle.
"What happened?" Niles asked.
"I have to go to the station, Niles," Frasier grabbed his coat. "and it will be for the better if you keep away from Roz."
"You can drop me at my office," Niles said, following his brother. "If the perfume is still working Roz would find me irresistable."
"Roz would kill you," Frasier closed the door. "of that you can be certain."
"That's not funny!" Niles answered.
"It's not a joke!" Frasier said.
***
A black box.
That was what Rob had left on Frasier's control panel. It was black as the night itself. There were a lot of strange ideograms, red ideograms, written on it, and it didn't take a genuis to see that they were written in blood. The box was surrounded by a mystical air...just like Pandora's Box. Maybe it contained all the hell in the world ..and it was in his booth, on his control panel.
Outside the booth a huge crowd had gathered; all of them wanted to see what the box contained, or maybe what was about to eat Dr Crane. Frasier looked at it as if it were a hungry, dangerous predator trapped inside a cage in the zoo.
"Do you think there are snakes inside?" somebody asked.
"What about a dead body?"
"What about a human heart?" Roz asked, impatiently.
"What about a dessert?....don't be ridiculous." Frasier yelled. "I think it is a bomb."
"Well, it's not ticking," Pete said .
"Thank you." Frasier said rolling his eyes. He then reached for the door knob; the entire crowd stepped back. "I'll just go inside now," he said out loud, trying to muster the necessary guts to do it. The incident with Niles was still was in his head, which was pounding really hard. It was telling him that maybe...just maybe....the box was some sort of magical artifact of unknown characteristics, and . . . the worst part was that he HAD to open it. His curiosity peaked...he WANTED to know more about it...the conflict between fear and rationalism was ferocious.
"I'll open it."
"Frasier, wait!" Roz stopped him. "You can't do it!..you can't!..."
"Roz..." he faced her. "Rob cannot turn you into a hungry man-eating predator." Roz looked relieved. "You already ARE a man eater."
Bulldog burst into laughter. Roz' face clearly said `I will kill you' and she pushed him inside the booth, locking the door.
The crowd went silent.
Frasier inched toward the box, slowly, extending his arms to reach it...keeping his body away..if something was going to jump out of the box it was for the better to keep the most distance ..just to be safe.
The crowd was looking at him with full attention. They wanted to see what was about to eat Dr. Crane or what he would turn into..or both...
Frasier grabbed the box' cover. It had a sign in Spanish which read, "I dare you, Dr. Shrink". Frasier closed his eyes and removed the cover..
The crowd stepped further back.
***
Niles was completely dejected.
Although the perfume was a success, he hadn't had the chance to test it on Daphne, and that made him feel sad. He wanted to know what it felt like to be attractive to such a goddess. Anyway, he had made a decision. Perfume or no perfume, he was going to talk to her.
A question popped into his mind
Why?
Why hadn't she taken notice of his feelings for her?
Good question.... one that led to another.
Did she have feelings for him?
He didn't want to be negative, but, no. He was sure that Daphne didn't love him. How could he be sure? He had a lot of evidence, but the most powerfull was what had happened a few days ago. She had showed up at his place that night, asking if she could stay there because she had been through a terrible fight with Sherry. That night he could have sworn they would end up in bed together, but it hadn't happened. Then over the next few days she treated him with her usual casual attitude. Let's face it, Niles, he thought. He was her employer's brother, a snob, and an arrogant, mildly sarcastic psychiatrist from Seattle. He was in the middle of a divorce and . . .oh, that had to be it. She couldn't have feelings for him. But . . .oh God, he wanted to have the guts to tell her how he felt!
If she were there that very moment he would tell her, no doubt.
"Hullo, Dr. Crane. "
Niles startled, trembling, and turned to the door where Daphne stood looking at him. She had a few shopping bags in her hands and was smiling at him.
"Daphne."
She laughed a bit.
"That's your father's favorite shirt."
"It is," he said, shyly.
"It looks good on you," she stated. "Say, are you busy?"
"Oh, no, no, Daphne, come in," he said as he helped her with her bags. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh," she said as she sat on the couch, "I just came by to see if you were here. I wanted to talk to you."
Niles smiled.
"What about?"
She seemed to consider what she was about to tell him, keeping silent for a few minutes. Niles attention was complete.
"Dr. Crane," she looked at him deep into his eyes. Niles heart skipped a beat. "I`ve been thinking about what happened a few days ago in your apartment, and," her eyes drifted,
"and I want to apologize to you."
Niles smiled tenderly, and took her nearest hand in his. She stayed still, just looking at him.
"Well, you see, Daphne, there is nothing to apologize for," he said. "We just spent some time together that night, that's all. "
"Well," she said, shyly, "you did seem to be very comfortable with me presence. "
Niles nodded.
"Daphne, I am always comfortable in your presence," he stated. "Who wouldn't be?"
That made her smile at him, the warm smile of Daphne Moon.
"I just didn't want you to misunderstand the situation," she said.
"Oh, I didn't, Daphne," he assured her. "I believe we just fell into the moment. You see..I felt very lonely that night."
"And I felt just as Dr. Crane said....I felt that nobody cared for me."
"You know that's not true." Niles said, wondering why she was telling him all that. His life was a continuous puzzle. Destiny seemed to twist whatever he expected from life in a matter of seconds.
"I know, I guess." She rose and walked to the nearest window. "But that night..." she turned to see him, there, seated on the couch, looking at her. "Can I make a confession to you?"
"Of course!" Niles got up from the couch but then stood in place, even when his heart told him to move close to her. "You can tell me whatever you want. I promise you I will always be here for you, no matter what ...I want the very best for you!"
"Oh, Dr. Crane, you are so sweet," she said.
"Well, then, what is it?" he asked. "I'll keep it as a professional secret," he giggled.
"Dr. Crane...that night, I could not think of any other person who cared for me but you."
This caught Niles off guard. His heart froze for a few seconds . . .her confession was the last thing he expected to hear. Now, he thought, is this a result of the perfume or what? He didn't know.
Daphne continued. "You are always caring about me, you always help me with my little problems, so... " She turned to look out the window. "I went to your place."
Niles was close to hyperventilation, but was trying to control himself, using all of his mental power.
"I...don't know what to say..." he said, matter of factly.
"Tell me, Dr. Crane...what did you feel that night?...I mean, when we were there together, and . . ."
"I was happy to have you there with me" he stated.
"Really?"
"I swear " he said. "As I am now."
Daphne smiled.
"I don't understand why women can be so blind, not to notice the perfect husband you would be," she said.
Niles sighed.
"Maybe some day," he said. "Maybe some day the perfect match for me will notice that I love her."
He said those words with all the hope he held. He hoped that Daphne understood that he was talking about her. Oh, how Niles wished her to know, that very moment, just what his feelings were for her.
"Thats true," she said as she left the window and walked to the door, gathering her shopping bags on the way. "You will find the perfect woman for you. I am sure of it. And she will be very lucky," she added, now at the door.
Niles extended his arms in a feeble attempt to stop her. She didn't notice.
"Maybe now is not the time." she added, closing the door behind her.
***
There is no real reason to wait for Frasier.
Niles decided to go home. It was not raining so he could have a nice walk. The perfume was not working anymore, so there was no real danger in being out. How did he know the perfume had lost it's power? That was easy : Daphne had demonstrated no reaction to it, none at all. Not even when he wanted her to. As the hours passed Niles' dejection grew, so he decided to give up and return to the Montana to change.
"Maybe now is not the time." Those were her parting words. What had she been talking about? Time for what?. Those few words filled his soul with an unexplainable hope. He thought, happilly in a way, that those words perhaps meant something good. She had said that, not for him, but for her. Maybe, at the bottom of her heart...deep down...there was love for him.
The walk helped him to relax. People passed him by, taking no notice. Women just looked at him briefly and continued on their way.
Let's look at this rationally, he said out loud. He had bought a magical perfume to get Daphne's attention. And it had no effect on her. The perfume made him irresistible to all the other women he encountered, but not to her. And she was the one who mattered. His conclusion was obvious. "If she falls in love with me, it'll be because of me, not because of some stupid perfume."
"Excuse me."
Niles stopped; somebody grabbed his right arm with an arrogant familiarity that made him spin around, more angry than surprised. What then shocked him was the huge crowd of women suddenly surrounding him. His heart began to pound hard in his chest and he began to hyperventilate. Could the perfume still be working after all? All of the women were smiling at him, flirting. The woman who was holding his arm began to caress it, seductively.
"That is a really nice perfume."
The entire crowd agreed.
Niles didn't want to stay there. With a cry, he spun around and began to run as fast as he could. The female crowd chased him at full speed. Niles turned left at the next corner. He realized that he was fairly close to KACL, just nine blocks or so. It was just his luck, however, that the street he took happened to be a dead end.
***
Frasier opened the box.
There were no demons coming out of it.
No hungry predators wanting him for dinner.
No body parts.
No hellfire
No nothing
There was nothing like that...
It was a cake, a chocolate cake.
Frasier was completely puzzled. A cake? What kind of Voodoo sorcerer was Rob? Oh, hold on a minute...there is a piece of folded paper to one side. Frasier pulled it out and read it. It said:
"Eat this cake, Dr. Crane, you know you want to. When you opened the box, a demon was unleashed, a demon who will drive a weak mind like you to eat this cake and then become my slave, eat it."
Oh, yes, sure...
So Rob said that a demon was going to drive him to eat the damned cake. It looked delicious, indeed, but he couldn't eat it, no way in hell. Maybe it was poisoned; maybe it was made with some bizarre kind of milk. You see, if Cleopatra took milk baths, why not bake a cake with some other kind of milk? He didn't believe in Voodoo, that was the truth, but he believed in poisons.
Frasier grinned. Once more, his professional mind was right and the magic Rob had been talking about was fake. Yes, no matter what had happened to Niles. But he certainly didn't want to eat that cake. He looked at the crowd over his shoulder. They were very still, looking at him with complete attention. Frasier decided to teach them all a lesson. They believed in Voodoo, so he'd give them a real Voodoo show....
Frasier looked at Roz through the window and called her, waving his right hand. Roz mimed "No way!" but, due to his insistence, she opened the door. Slowly, cautiously, she walked in, keeping as much distance between herself and the box as she could. Frasier smiled at her.
"It's a cake, Roz," he said, annoyed.
Roz' stare went blank
"A cake?"
"Yes, a cake," He indicated at the box, irritated. "A chocolate cake."
Roz didn't want to look at it.
"You see, Roz, nothing's happened...no demons, no wild animals, nothing," Frasier said, rubbing his head. "Let me just...take this out..."
Frasier leaned toward the box and placed his hands on it. Then panic struck his face. Roz stepped back. Frasier tried to pull his hands out but he couldn't. There was horror in his eyes.
"Something's trapped my hands!" Frasier leaned dramatically from the box, pulling and pulling. "Roz!!! Help me!!!" Roz didn't knew what to do, so she just stood still looking horrorified at Frasier as he leaned more and more from the box. "Help me Roz!"
Roz fainted. The crowd ran away screaming. Frasier Crane laughed heartily and pulled the cake out of the box.
***
Niles Crane was trapped.
He was surrounded.
"Hello, sweetheart," a woman said. "There is no escape from here so...I think you know what we all want."
"No, I..." Niles was scared to death. "What do you want from me?"
"We want you."
"We can make a deal," he said, hopefully. "I have nowhere to run."
"That's true," the women said.
"Well," Niles decided to deal head-on with the problem. "You tell me how can I help you. I am a psychiatrist, so I know there is a peacefull solution to every problem."
"Are you a good psychiatrist?" asked a gracefull, good looking woman in formal attire.
"Yes," he said, "a very good one. Seattle would be lost if you hurt me," he stated.
"OK, then." The woman spun around to talk with the others. Niles wasn't able to hear any of their chatter. He was terrified; he had a strange feeling about all this. After a minute or so, the woman turned again to face him. "Are you a good dancer?"
Niles was completely puzzled, stunned. What did they want him to do?
"Dan...dancer?"
"Yes, dancer...." the woman was smiling. "We decided that no one of us would permit the others to have you, so..." she smiled. "We want you to dance for us."
"What?!"
***
Frasier was still laughing when Roz came to. He had the cake on the control panel and was leaning over her.
"Are..." laughter "are you OK, Rozalind?" more laughter this time. Roz realized it all was a joke and she shot him her look of death. "Oh, geez!...that was so..." more laughter. "so funny!"
"Yeah, funny." She accepted the hand he was extending to her, helping her up. "Very funny, playing with people's fears!"
Frasier gasped for air.
"Just look in the hallway." He pointed in that direction. Roz looked too and then she began to laugh. The hallway was deserted. "They ran away!"
Roz then folded her arms, angry again.
"You owe me one, mister know-it-all!" she stated, which stopped Frasier's laughter.
"Oh, c'mon, Roz, don't you agree that I was completely right?...could you seriously think this cake is a magic artifact?"
Roz shook her head.
"It looks tasty, though," was her answer.
"Take a bit," he offered. Roz stepped back. "But if you do ...." in his Boris Karloff voice "you'll be Rob's zombie!"
Roz burst into laughter.
"Say, do you think Bulldog would eat it?" she asked, thoughtfully.
"Absolutely," he said, laughing again. "But what if Rob used him to bring on your worst nightmare?" Frasier asked. Off Roz look, he added, "Imagine Bulldog lusting after you all day long."
Roz shrugged her shoulders with a nasty smile on her face.
"Sounds like the normal Bulldog to me," she said.
Frasier pondered this with a far away look in his eyes.
Roz snapped him back to earth. "Let's get that darn thing out of here!" she said taking the cake off the control panel. "It gives me the creeps."
Frasier agreed and they both walked out of the booth. One by one they came upon their co-workers. Roz, cake in hand, was very amused at how the people looked at it. Some were really puzzled. Gil Chesterton looked at it with real desire, indeed, the cake looked really tasty. They were almost at the elevator when Bulldog appeared from the hallway with Chopper Dave.
"Hey, doc, you're alive!" Bulldog said, relieved. "We were going to call 911."
"Oh, c'mon Bulldog, I..."
"..want to give you this cake!" Roz interjected, handing the cake to Bulldog. Frasier sighed, annoyed. Bulldog accepted it, smiling.
"From you, Roz?"
"Oh, yeah, " she said, looking at him, really interested. Chopper Dave was looking at the cake too, hungrily. "Bon appetit!"
"LET'S SPLIT IT UP RIGHT NOW!" he yelled. "I AM HUNGRY!"
Bulldog and Chopper Dave disappeared down the hallway. Frasier folded his arms and sighed again.
"Roz!" he said, urgently. "Do you realize that cake could be poisoned?" he asked.
"Oh, he will be fine" she shouted confidently. "Besides..it would be interesting to see him lusting after me." Then she smiled. "Don't you remember when he ate everything the Happy Cheff Leo Pasqueale gave him? If he could eat that stuff, believe me, he can eat anything."
Frasier pondered that matter and finally nodded, walking into the now open elevator doors.
"Well, that's true," he laughed, selecting the basement parking lot button.
"Let's go have a cup of coffee," Roz offered. "Your treat...and don't give me that look. You scared me to death!"
"I wish I could," Frasier said rubbing his forehead. "But I have to pick up Niles "
"I'll go with you."
"I don't think you'd want to see him right now," Fraiser stated. "He's been kind of glum lately."
"OK, some other time." she said. "But can you give me a ride?"
"Sure, Roz." Frasier decided Niles could wait a little longer.
Frasier's BMW was parked between two large vans. Roz squeezed into the passenger seat and waited for Frasier. But he was not even trying to get into the car. He was looking, horrified, at the naked man behind his car. Niles Crane! His brother was trying to retain his dignity by covering himself with an old newspaper.
"Niles!"
"The perfume is still working!" he whispered. "Take me home!"
"I can't," Frasier walked toward the rear of his car. "Roz is with me."
"Oh, God!," Niles crouched dramatically. "Not Roz!"
"Yes, Roz!" Frasier said. "And what happened to you this time?" he asked, but then decided that he didn't want to know. "Never mind."
"You have to get me out of here!" Niles demanded, still whispering. "They are looking for me!"
Roz knocked on the window to get Frasier's attention.
"I'll be there in a minute," he called.
Frasier walked next to his brother and used his key to open the trunk. Niles looked at him angrily.
"I won't get in there!" he stated.
"Oh, yes, you will" Frasier ordered. "Or I will tell Roz you're here."
"Oh, my." Niles jumped into the trunk. Frasier took off his coat and tossed it to his brother.
"There, cover up," he said and closed the trunk before Niles could reply.
***
The Montana, three hours later:
"Oh, Frasier, what am I to do?" Niles asked, hovering nervously about the living room. "This perfume is not removable."
Frasier just shrugged as he walked to the bar.
"Maybe you should try to become a sex symbol," he said sarcastically.
"Very funny!" Niles shouted. "That is no help"
"I am sorry, Niles," Frasier poured two glasses of brandy. "But I don't know what you should do. Now that you're safe and dressed, why don't you tell me what happened?"
Niles nodded, taking minute to collect his thoughts, and began.
"I decided to walk home. I thought the perfume wasn't working anymore. Then this crowd of women cornered me in an alleyway, a dead end. They made me dance for them."
"Dance?"
"Yes, dance. As the music played they began to rip my clothes off! Suddenly it was total confusion!" Niles breathed deeply. "I barely escaped when they tried to raffle me!"
Frasier chuckled.
"How you must have felt, Niles. I mean, that is the ultimate dream of every man.
Niles smiled with vanity.
"It was flattering....believe me...but..." suddenly his face grew dark. "What a terrible fate I face...." Niles leaned forward to take the glass his brother offered him. "I will be the irresistible man for every woman but Daphne....the perfume didn't work on her..." and then sipped his brandy. Of course, when he realized what he had said it was too late. Frasier grabbed him. "Oh, dear..."
"I told you not to get close to her!" Frasier said, angry. "How could you?"
"Well, I didn't!" Niles raised his voice. "She showed up at my office..what was I supposed to do, slam the door in her face?"
Frasier calmed down.
"You're right. You say the perfume didn't work on her?"
"Nothing. We just talked for a few minutes and then she left..that was all..."
"Incredible," Frasier said, thoughtfully. What was happening? How could the perfume have no effect on Daphne? "Where did you buy it?"
Niles sat on the fainting couch.
"I bought it from an old gypsy woman."
"Well, let's go see her." Frasier ordered. "Let's finish this once and for all."
Niles nodded.
"Good idea, Frasier but..first tell me..what was the urgent business at your office?"
"A cake." said Frasier, a second before they were gone.
***
The place where the gypsy lived resembled a set for a 50's horror movie. It had old furniture and black and white photos on the walls. They were photos of some old and, by now, certainly dead people. The gypsy had a live crow and a crystal ball. Frasier was annoyed at this cheap magical display but Niles was somehow relieved. And why not, since the cure was right here.
Frasier expected a pair of thieves to come down the stairs and attack them, but it was the gypsy who greeted them at the door.
"Your brother can wait here," the gypsy said, leading Niles into to a second room. Frasier looked quite uncomfortable, but obeyed.
"I see you used the perfume," she said. Niles nodded. "But you didn't read all the instructions, did you?"
"I didn't?"
"Do you remember what I told you?" the gypsy asked seriously. "To think if you really needed it."
"But I do need it."
"How can you be so sure?" the gypsy asked, and then smiled. "Have you ever told her about your feelings?"
"No, I haven't."
The gypsy sat on an old wooden rocking chair.
"Then, how do you know how she feels?"
Niles pondered the question for a minute. He had no answer for that. It was true that he never told Daphne about his feelings.
"Well, I tried to guess."
"Do not guess, just...feel. Look into her eyes. They hold the key to her heart. When you meet the perfect match for you, there's a little spark in her eyes." Those words stuck in Niles' head. It was worth it to test this out.
"I'll keep that in mind," Niles smiled.
"Now go, and do not worry about the perfume anymore, it is harmless now."
"How did you do that?" He was puzzled.
"An old woman's trick," the gypsy said. "Remember what I've told you, Niles Crane, never look for love where it already is."
Niles nodded in silence, pondering those last words as he left.
***
Niles Crane buzzed his secretary. He was finished for the day; there were no more patients to see, so he decided to tell her she could go home.
"Yes, Dr. Crane?"
"Clarisse, if you have finished your work you're free to leave," he said while signing a few papers. "But before you go, please bring me a cup of coffee."
"OK, Dr. Crane, I'll be there in a minute," she said and hung up, "a big cup of coffee."
Niles continued with his work, filing documents and making notes about his patients. He read a paragraph of a book he had on his desk, pausing to add some more notes in his firm, clear hand. Twenty minutes passed quickly. The room was completely silent. The faint noise he heard came from outside where Clarisse was probably preparing his coffee. Suddenly the door opened. He heard it but continued with his work, not raising his head. The cup of coffee was placed to his right.
"Thank you, Clarisse, see you tomorrow," he said, politely, but with no intention of raising his head.
"Dr. Crane?" called a voice that didn't belong to Clarisse.
Niles lifted his eyes from his work to find Daphne at his side. It caught him off guard so he trembled slightly. She caught his reaction and grinned.
"Did I scare you?"
"How could an angel scare me?" he said, rising from his seat. "What a nice surprise."
"You always have the right words to say, Dr. Crane. May I join you for coffee?" She indicated the cup she held. "I am sorry to bother you. I overheard Clarisse talking with you so I wanted to surprise you."
"And you did, it's a wonderfull surprise," he motioned her to sit. "Please, have a seat."
She took the chair across from his desk.
"Are you busy?"
"No." He looked briefly at his work. He had, indeed, a lot of paperwork, but it could wait. "What are you doing in this boring place?" he asked, jokingly. "I thought you were going to the mall with Dad and Sherry."
"I did," she chuckled. "But those two love birds didn't need me, so I decided to see if you were here." Daphne sipped her coffee. "Maybe you can give me a ride to your brother's," she said. Niles nodded immediately. "In return, I'll keep you company while you finish your work...deal?"
"Deal," Niles accepted, getting up from his chair to hover, holding his coffee in one hand. Daphne followed him with her eyes. "This was a very busy day."
"Maybe a nice dessert would make you feel better," she offered. "What do you say?"
"Would you do that for me?" Niles asked, unconciously.
"Why, yes!" she rose from the chair. "Of course, but we will have to make a stop at the market."
"I look forward for it." Niles left his cup on the desk "Lets go now!" he added, touched.
"OK." She placed her cup next to his and walked to the door. "I'll wait for you in the hallway."
"Good!" Niles watched her close the door and then, at full speed , thanking God for his luck, began to switch all the lights off. Then something made him stop. The scroll, the instructions for the perfume, were on the floor near a lamp. Niles picked it up and began to read. A passage caught his attention; it was at the bottom of the scroll written in red What he it said gave him a farway look and a smile. He'd probably would have been there for a few more minutes, but Daphne was at the door calling him. Niles spun around and walked over to meet her. She smiled at him as they left the office together.
Niles Crane had a new hope in his heart, because the scroll had said that the perfume was not effective if the woman you loved was already in love with you.
The End
Credits tag
Frasier is waiting for the elevator at KACL. Niles tiptoes up to him, sprays some perfume on him , then runs away. He hides in a nearby booth. The elevator door opens, revealing Gil Chesterton, who walks out as Frasier gets in. Gil sniffs the air and turns to look at Frasier. Gil gets a huge smile on his face, then walks back into the elevator. Frasier looks at him in horror as the door closes. Then Niles walks out of the booth and blows the perfume bottle as if it were a smoking gun.
Vick Says : This fan fiction is based on the 4th season , it happens some days after the "Daphne Hates Sherry" episode. Of course, Bulldog, Gil Chesterton and Chopper Dave are here just as a comedy relief, please feel free to email me with your comments to this adress vickpena@yahoo.com.mx
Special Thanks: I `d like to thank Moxie for her encouragment...
This is my first entry for the 1^st. Annual Forever Fabulously Frasier Fan Fiction Extravaganza
The Love Potion
Frasier was really pleased, it had been a good show so far. A lot of people on the edge of sanity had called in, seeking the wise advice of the famous radio psychiatrist. The calls had all been an intellectual challenge. They had made him forget the bad case of flu he had experienced a few days earlier. Now he was in good shape, ready to help the entire Seattle area with his show. It was a shame, really, that he had not much time left in which to do it. There was only a minute remaining.
"Seattle, our time is almost up, but we can take one last call," he smiled at Roz.
"Roz, who's on line 1?"
"We have Ruth, she's frightened of her neighbor," Roz said into the mike.
"Well," Frasier said and hit the button. "Ruth, I'm listening."
"I am so scared, Dr. Crane." Her tone of voice showed that she really meant it.
She was almost whispering.
Frasier was intrigued.
"My neighbor is..."
"Ruth, why are you whispering?"
"I am afraid of his revenge," she stated. Roz put aside her sandwich to pay attention.
"My neighbor is a . . . voodoo sorcerer!"
This made Frasier chuckle. Magic was a vast and interesting topic, but he held no belief in it.
No one had mystical powers to call forth the spirits.
Sarcastically. "Voodoo?"
"Yes, Doctor. I've heard him chanting invocations at midnight. I have seen him kill black roosters.
He threated me. He said I will wake up a rabbit one of these days!"
Roz made gestures emulating a hopping rabbit. Frasier did his best not to laugh, with no sucess.
"Ruth," he said. "Listen to me. Black magic and sorcery do not exist."
"But Mrs Martinez broke her leg a week ago . . . and she had just had an argument with him!"
"I hear you, Ruth, but," he spoke authoritatively. "Nobody, except through the use of physical means, can cause harm to anyone. However," Frasier smiled. "If that maniac sings all night, the lack of sleep could cause one to have an car accident the next day." Ruth laughed. Frasier decided to try something therapeutic. "Ruth, tell me, have you seen proof of these powers? I mean...can the man fly? Hover? Turn lead into gold? If he can do that, I'd like his phone number. I have some lead bars at home."
"No, I haven't seen any proof," the caller said.
"You see, he is nothing but a nut case who just wants to impress people. I am sure of this."
Ruth laughed harder.
"Thank you, Dr. Crane. I am not afraid anymore. I will tell everybody in the building about all this. Thanks."
She hung up. Roz applauded in silence.
"Oh, well," Frasier said. "Ruth, if you're still a human being, keep this in mind. If you wake up tomorrow with fuzzy feet, simply remove your bunny slippers." Roz laughed. "This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health. And . . . keep some garlic on hand for the vampires."
When the `On Air' light was off Roz entered with a pile of papers, all phone messages.
"You were terrific, Fras." She showed him the messages. "You broke the record for phone calls."
"Just another day in the work life of Frasier Crane," he said, and started to arrange his papers to leave. Roz hovered nervously around the booth.
"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"I was just imagining that voodoo sorcerer getting angry.".
"Oh, c'mon, Roz!"
"What if he seeks revenge and leads the darkness against you?"
"Roz, Roz," He extended his hands. "Magic is a psycological abberation, not a mystical element. Look, people in the dark ages believed all that stuff." She yawned. "Roz, this is important.! Back then people had no culture." Bulldog entered, pushing his cart. "And some of them still prevale.The masses back then were controlled by people who claimed to have powers like . . . to turn one's self into a monster, or the ability to fly." Frasier shook his head. "Now the only magic I know of is my father sleeping with Sherry, eating too much fat and drinking too many beers without becoming ill!"
Roz laughed at the joke and patted him on the back.
Bulldog grinned and honked at them.
"Hey, Doc," he said. "You shouldn't tell her that."
"Bulldog, you too?"
He began to place his things around the panel, smiling at Roz, who ignored him.
"Some years ago a gypsy cursed me with..." he started.
"Let me guess," Roz snapped. "A small brain and hopeless lust!"
Bulldog looked at her, surprised.
"That's it!" he pointed at Roz. "How'd you know?"
"You don't want to know," Frasier said, walking out of the booth.
"You're a witch!" he said in mock horror. "I know how to fight you!" He honked his air horn at her. "Now get out, I have a show to do!"
"I would like to get him an appointment with that voodoo sorcerer," she said, irritated.
Frasier smiled. "Believe me, Roz, that can be arranged."
***
Niles smiled at the beautiful sight that had just entered the café. Daphne saw him and waved,
walking over to him. He got up to greet her.
"Hey, Dr. Crane," she said cheerfully.
"Daphne," he smiled. "Do you have time for coffee?"
"Why, of course." She sat across him while he gestured for the waitress. "Your father and Sherry threw me out," she said, seeming to want to start a conversation. "Those lovebirds take their realtionship very seriously."
"Lucky them," he said in a whisper. Daphne didn't hear him; she was pulling a magazine out of her purse. "But tell me," he asked, deciding to take advantage of his luck, for the moment, of having Daphne with him. Frasier wasn't around to ruin everything and . . .oh, God . . .
that perfume . . .
"So, how are things between you and Sherry these days?"
"Oh," she said, placing the magazine on the table. "Fine, I guess. She's a pain in the butt, but I try to hold my tongue."
"I see." He sat straight in his chair. "It's good to hear that, Daphne."
"Yeah, I try to think of Mr Crane," She stated. "He seems quite comfortable with her so. . .
I go along with it."
"Yes, some people are lucky enough to find their significant other," Niles said, and then added, "while others don't have the courage to fight for my love." He panicked. What have I said!? Luckily she didn't seem to notice. She just nodded.
"Love always knocks on our door," she smiled. "Eventually."
"Thats very poetic, Daphne." Niles sipped his coffee, looking at her. She opened the magazine and leaned over to read an article. Her hair smelled like vanilla and strawberry. Oh, God, how I'm enjoying this . . .
"Oh, look at this, Dr. Crane!" She pushed the magazine in his direction. Niles began to read, and soon he felt her hand upon his, for just a second. The article hadn't seemed important before her touch. "It's incredible what some people do for love."
"Interesting," he said, looking at the article. It could be a sign. He read, `This is a testimony for those who think love is something hard to find, for those who think that beloved person is unreachable.' "Oh, most interesting," he said and began to read it out loud It was an advertisement. "This is a testimony to YOU, you people who haven't yet found love. Quit suffering over that loved one who doesn't know you're alive." He looked at her briefly; she didn't notice. "Talk to Madame Nadine and she'll give you the answer to your pleas," Niles ended.
She laughed.
"Magic doesn't exist," he stated. But he snuck a peek at the phone number of Madame Nadine. Good, a local number . . . oh, what are you doing, Niles Crane? he asked himself. A gypsy? His heart gave him the answer. If you love her you can do anything to win her heart. Hey, it couldn't hurt. The woman probably didn't have any powers, but . . . who knew, maybe she really could work the miracle. Yeah, right, Niles, a love potion.
"Thats stupid," he said, more to himself than to Daphne.
Daphne agreed."Yeah, it does sound stupid, but . . . tell me, Dr. Crane . . .wouldn't you do anything for love?" She looked up at the clock. "Oh, gotta go now, I have to pick up Dr. Crane's suit from cleaners". She started to pick up the magazine, but Niles was still looking at it, lost in dreams. "Want to keep it?"
He crash landed in the real world. It was absolutely stupid to try to get her heart, but....
"Er...no, no," he said and sipped his coffee to distract her attention. "You can take it."
She put it in her purse. "I'll see you later, Dr. Crane."
"Bye, Daphne." He watched her walk out with sincere hope in his eyes. Then he picked up his cell phone and dialed a number.
"This is Dr. Frasier Crane, Seattle, and we have our last call for the day." Frasier leaned back
in his chair to relax. "Roz?"
"We have Rob on line 1. He says he doesn't have a problem but he wants to talk to you."
"Oh, well," He hit the button. "Rob, I'm listening."
"You made me look like a clown!" A deep voice with Antillan accent said, "Now my neighbors are laughing at me!" Frasier smiled. Roz was scared. This was Ruth's voodoo sorcerer! "Now I'll show you and that cute Roz just how voodoo works!"
"Rob...Rob..c'mon," Frasier said in his professional voice. "We both know that voodoo is just a traditional Antillan way to show...."
Roz shook her head. Frasier may be a good psychiatrist but he didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. Wasn't he aware of the anger of this man?
"Voodoo is alfa and Omega, life and death...I'll turn Roz into a hungry animal with the natural instinct to kill you."
Roz was about to faint.
"We have to go to a station break, we'll be back in a few minutes." He pushed the `Off Air' button and rubbed his head. Roz entered to his booth and slapped him on the head with a rolled up paper.
"Didn't you hear that?"
Frasier was annoyed.
"Roz, Roz, stop worrying. This man is just...." Roz silenced him by placing her hand on his mouth.
"If I wake up tomorrow with the body of some animal, trust me, Frasier Crane, you'll be my breakfast, no matter how much cholesterol you contain. I'll eat you alive!"
"Roz..." he replyed when she got back to her booth. "He just wants to regain the control he had over his neighbors."
She made a bite gesture, put her earphones on her head and turned on the `On Air' light.
"Seattle, we're back," Frasier said. "Rob, are you still there?"
The booth suddenly filled with sounds of invocations in a foreign language. Roz covered her eyes with her hands, not wanting to see if she was turning into a dog or a cat or something worse.
Frasier just rolled his eyes. This little mystical show was starting to irritate him.
"Rob," called Frasier.
The answer was another string of loud invocations.
"Well, this is quite a performance!"
The invocations ceased.
"Really, I think you should leave all those insane noises in the can! If you think I believe that you can turn Roz into some man-hungry animal . . ." He looked over at her. She held a sign up to the window which read, "What are you doing for dinner, pork chop?" He waved at her in a "Oh, shut up" gesture. "Rob, why don't you get a job?...but, please, do not try to be a singer!"
"You'll know more about me later...and Roz...you'd better get some condiments for your meal," Rob said, and hung up.
"Seattle," Frasier said. "If any of you have problems with unwelcome guests, please call in tomorrow and I'll send you a copy of Rob's . . . invocations. But, for now, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health." He signed off.
Roz sat in her booth, just staring at her controls.
"Roz?" He walked around to her side. She ignored him
"Roz?"
"Which pan should I fry you in?"
Frasier shrugged and left.
Martin Crane and Daphne were in the living room of his apartment when he let himself in.
"I was listening to your show and...." Martin said from his armchair.
"Dad," he interrupted him. He was not in the mood to listen to any more talk about magic. He'd had enough. On the way home listeners had stopped him to give him all sorts of crazy advice. He had heard how he could protect himself with garlic, and to keep lemons in his pocket, and a thousand other things. Some elderly woman gave him a Mexican amulet which was now hanging around the neck of some man's dog. He really needed this, living in a highly populated city like Seattle.
"Dad, I don't want to hear any more advice on the subject of magic!"
"Geez, Frasier," Martin popped open his beer. "I was just going to say that you were very brave facing that voodoo looloo."
.
Frasier took off his coat and hung it up. His father's words surprized him.
"That's true, Dr Crane," Daphne added. "That man was really insane."
"Well....thank you Daphne, Dad." He went to the bar and poured himself a sherry.
"There's nothing to thank us for, Fras." Martin got up and hobbled toward the kitchen.
"I remember a silly thing that occurred twenty years ago. The Captain's wife threatened to turn him into a cow." Martin stopped and thought. "He laughed at it...but a few days later he was gone."
Frasier was now seated on the suede couch looking at him, intrigued.
"The wife said he ran away with some girl....we never relly knew. His wife was really a nice lady." Martin smiled at the memory." She brought us a lot of cheese and butter after that."
"Very funny, Dad"
Daphne burst into laughter, as did Martin.
"Oh, c'mon shrink, it's just a joke." His father entered the kitchen and continued. "That man just wanted to scare you to regain control over his neighbors."
"Well," said Frasier, startled. "I thought of that myself."
"We Brits have a lot of respect for magic," Daphne said. "It's like..."
"Folklore?" Frasier finished his drink. "People in England still believe in werewolves, for goodness sake."
"Oh, really? Well, you Americans believe in Big Foot!"
"And you put stock in the powers of a stupid stone circle!" Frasier replied.
Martin decided to interrupt.
"Kids, kids," he called, waving his cane. "Stop fighting or you'll get no dessert."
"I'm sorry, Daphne."
"Oh, no problem," she started for her room. "I wish that man really had the power to turn you to a zombie," she said under her breath.
"I heard that!"
"If you become a zombie I'll make you my slave," she stated. "I'll make you do whatever I want."
`I know who'd love to change places with me if that were to happen,' he thought, but said,
"Like swallow your traditional British breakfast?"
Martin laughed heartily, but she shot him a nasty look. He shut up at once.
***
Niles closed the door behind him, locking it.
He didn't want anyone to follow.
The package he was holding was extremely important; he had put his life at risk to obtain it - yes, real risk. He had gone to a nasty, dark alley, populated by drunken men, none of whom had the slightest acquaintance with the notion of bathing. He had risked his physical integrity, climbing the slippery steps, the Mercedes logo on his car fading into the distance. But there had been no other way to see Madame Nadine.
She was an elderly woman, old but cunning, sharp as a tack. She asked Niles what his problem was, but she already knew the answer: he was in pain over some woman, a foreign woman. The price she charged for solution of his problem was exorbitant, but Daphne worth it.
"You have to be aware," the woman said, searching in some drawers for the object Niles was seeking, "that for any darkness in the universe, there is a light to meet it. For every man there is a woman waiting; a perfect match. Think about whether you want to keep her, to force her to love you. Think, because you could lose your love for this person."
`What's that aroma?' Niles asked himself, distracted from the woman's speech. `My allergies will kick in if I stay here very long.' Then the gypsy handed him the box. She didn't allow him to open it, however; she held the lid closed.
"You must follow the instructions," the woman demanded. "Keep them in mind, follow them literally," she continued, "and then decide if you really need it."
"All right," he said.
"Do not open it until you get home," was her last order.
He was not going home; he was on his way to his office. He had one last patient to see at 7 o'clock. After that he planned to have dinner with Frasier.
Niles placed the box on the desk.
It was made of black wood, very large, 10 centimeters square. The lid was red with a ridiculous red heart painted on it.
Niles opened it, revealing a bottle nested amid blue silk.
The bottle had an exotic shape. It was old, from the 1920's maybe, and it was filled with a transparent liquid. Niles took the bottle out and shook it slightly. There was small scroll underneath, which likely had something to do with the bottle. Niles decided to smell the aroma....mmmm....night blooming flowers....exquisite..Was this lotion really the way to Daphne's heart? It didn't seemed to...now...let's see this scroll, it must contain the instructions.
"Let's see," Niles sat down on his chair. "A legendary sorcerer from an ancient civilization discovered the secrets of....oh, my....this is quite a speech....now...if you want to.....blah blah blah.....see if you.....blah blah...ah!" he stopped. "Spray this lotion liberally on yourself to gain the full effect on your desired woman's mind and heart. Think about how much you want this woman to like you." How much did he want Daphne to like him????? SOOO MUCH! So he sprayed the lotion for almost two minutes. "Now...time for the hunt."
But the hunt would have to wait, as somebody was knocking at the door,
Niles looked up at the clock...7 sharp....his last patient. It was a shame, but it was impossible to cancel now; the patient had paid cash up front. He would dispatch her quickly. If Frasier could do two minute therapy, so could he.
"Dr. Crane, Miss McPherson is waiting," Clarice said from outside.
"Let her in." Niles said now ready to solve her little problems, his treasure safely hidden in his desk.
Niles had been expecting some 60 year old woman with menopause problems, not this divine creature who walked into his office. She had the most exquisite body and heavenly blue eyes. She was wearing a skimpy, fitted dress, sand in color. Her hair was a beautiful blonde and cascaded over her naked shoulders. Her lips were sensual and she was smiling at him.
Niles felt the temperature rise as she entered the room....it was time to test this darn thing!
"Hello, Dr. Crane," she said. Her voice had the power to melt an iceberg in a matter of seconds.
He rose from his chair and extended his hand.
"I'm Dr. Niles Crane. Shall we begin?" he said.
She took his hand and nodded.
"Would you like to have a seat or do you prefer the couch?" he asked, courteously. She accepted the couch, so he sat in his chair, trying very hard not to look at her. She lay down with her head toward him.
"Now, what seems to be the problem, Ms McPherson?"
She crossed her arms over her chest and was silent. Niles was beginning to wonder if she was asleep, but then she started talking.
"I cannot find the perfect man for me." She turned her face to look at him. "Do you know what that's like?..Not to find the correct person for you?"
"I understand, yes." He wrote some lines in his notebook. She sniffed the air.
"Being too choosy is a clear indication of a lack of self acceptance," he explained, finishing his notes and turning to look at her. He saw the most fascinated look in her eyes.
"Is something wrong?"
"It's your perfume...it smells wonderfull, Dr. Crane." Her voice was now low, almost a sexy whisper.
"Er...thank you, um . . . let's continue." He looked at her fixedly, waiting for her to speak, but she just turned and winked, surprising him.
"Sometimes at night...I dream about him...a perfect gentleman," she said. "But when I wake up I feel terrible."
"Interesting." He wrote down some more lines. Meanwhile, she turned to look at him, upside down. "Tell me about this perfect gentleman, Miss McPherson."
"Melissa."
"What?"
"Melissa, Dr. Crane," she smiled. "Call me Melissa."
Niles smiled nervously. "I don't think that would be appropriate."
She smiled at him, flirting.
"Wouldn't you do it for me?" she asked in a sexy voice.
Niles dropped his notebook. When he regained his self control a few seconds later, he had to loosen his tie a bit. It was suddenly too tight.
"I suppose I could." He tried to use his professional voice, but that was becoming more difficult. "Now, Melissa." She winked at him again. "You...you were telling me about your perfect gentleman."
She smiled.
"Well..Dr. Crane," she placed her soft, beautifull hand on his knee. Niles almost jumped up from the chair. "He is elegant, very elegant. He likes to wear Armani suits." She began to play her fingers on his knees. "He is a professonal . . . a psychiatrist."
"Oh, Mama!" Niles was close to hyperventilating.
Melissa McPherson rose from the couch and, with no further warning, sat on his lap. She hugged him with one hand and began to play with his hair. Niles was speechless. Oh, God..this perfume works..it really works..hey!...what are you doing?...no...please no...don't kiss my ear!!!!
***
Frasier was at Nervosa, waiting for his brother to join him for dinner. Of course, he was on time, but it seemed that his brother was a little delayed. Probably some patient. Frasier held a very interesting book which he had borrowed from a collection he had found on the bookshelf of the café. It was about voodoo and its variants. He was reading it because he needed to know what Rob was trying to use agaisnt him. Of course, magic, or the belief in magic, could drive people to have hallucinations. Roz had called him the night before to tell him that a huge spider, a tarantula, was on her bed. She had said that it all was Rob's fault and the spider was there to intimidate her. Frasier had given her his favorite pest control expert's phone number and hung up. None of that was real, for God's sake! Let's look for some exercise, he said to himself as he found a basic voodoo spell.
The spell was very simple..you just had to focus your mind on some object, let's say a . . .dish. And think about a hammer crashing it. The spell was that the object...the dish, in this case...would crash into pieces as soon as you thought about it. OK. Frasier placed the book on the table and looked for a dish..there...that man over there didn't seem to like his biscotti, so...Frasier closed his eyes and imagined a hammer and how the hammer hit the dish and how it fell from the table and...
CRASH!!!
Frasier opened his eyes in surprise...he heard the dish shatter! His surprise became terror when he saw the object of his spell in its place, intact. The waitress had let a dish fall to the floor when she saw a man enter the café wearing a torn jacket, a shirt with lipstick all over it and his hair in disarray.
The man was Niles Crane.
"Oh, my God!" Frasier helped him to the table. Niles was exhausted, weak.
"What happened to you?"
"It was horrible, Frasier," he said, as his brother helped him to his seat. "I just escaped from..."
The nearest waitress came over to take his order, but there was something in her eyes that puzzled Frasier.
"That's a beautiful perfume," she said, and Niles looked at her in horror.
"Get lost!" he ordered. "Just bring me a cup of black coffee, quickly."
"Sure, honey" she winked at him.
"What the hell was that?" Frasier was completely puzzled.
"Oh, Frasier, it's horrible!"he stroked his hair in desperation. "Women find me irresistable!"
"Well, that explains it," Frasier said, and then pointed at his brothers clothes. "What happened to your clothes? And why are you so...why is there lipstick on your shirt?"
Niles looked down at his clothes, slowly.
"A fat lady tried to kiss me and she got angry when I said `no'."
"Niles, what are you talking about?"
"Look," he took some cards from his last intact pocket. "All of these are women who want to have a date with me...some of them even want to have children with me!"
"Are you out of your mind?" Frasier yelled and took the first card. "Melissa McPherson..." he read "What is this?...'call me lover'...oh, this is a joke!" He took another card. "Pamela Anderson...oh, c'mon Niles...you must be insane..." another card. "Jane Leeves?"
"She lives at the Montana," Niles whispered. "She is so..."
"I demand an explanation!" Frasier said.
"OK. I bought this stupid perfume." He was interrupted by the waitress, who put the coffee on the table and then placed a card with her name on it in his pocket. She then kissed him on the cheek .
"Coffee is on me, handsome." That was all she said before leaving.
Frasier dropped his jaw in shock.
"The gypsy said," Niles began.
"Gypsy?" Frasier interjected. Niles rolled his eyes.
"Is there some kind of echo in here? The gypsy said that if I wore this perfume women would find me irresistible." He shook his head, "but I think the result was a bit more than I expected."
"And why did you do it?" Frasier asked, but the answer was very clear. "Daphne..."
"I thought it would be interesting to know how it feels to be attractive to her," Niles stated, casually.
"Interesting?" Frasier was really angry. "I think you are exaggerating!!"
"Don't blame me," Niles said, and it was not an apology. "I want her to like me."
"But, c'mon, Niles," Frasier rubbed his head. "You're a psychiatrist...how can you believe in a magic perfume?"
"It works!"
"That's a lie!" Frasier pointed at the waitress who was still looking at Niles dreamly. "I think that woman and this ..." He looked down at the cards all over the table..how many were there?...twenty?..yeah, definitately more than twenty, but fewer than fifty. "These women find you attractive for yourself."
Niles was not paying attention. He had found something very interesting hidden inside his jacket which hung around his shoulder. He pulled it out.
"Oh, God!" Frasier was static looking at the tiny red bikini. Niles was holding. "Thats insane!" He snapped it out of his brother hands and hid it inside one of his own pockets.
"Do you want me to prove it?" Niles said, angrily.
Just then Bulldog entered the café, accompanied by a very attractive woman. Frasier waved at them.
"Here's your chance," he whispered to his brother.
"Hey, doc!" Bulldog said.
"Hey, Bulldog, aren't you going to introduce us to your date?"
The woman was as tall as Frasier, and she was gorgeous: a classic Bulldog date.
"I am Amber," she said smiling. "You must be Dr. Frasier Crane."
"Oh, have you heard my show?" Frasier shook her hand.
"No, but Buldog told me about some of your . . . `advice'.
Bulldog laughed.
"Very funny!" Frasier said. Then, indicating his brother, "this is my brother Niles."
"Wow!" Bulldog said, laughing as he looked Niles over. "Long night?" and laughed harder.
Amber was charmed, and inched closer to Niles until she was right next to him.
"Hello, Mr. Briscoe," Niles said.
"What a wonderfull perfume," Amber said, extending her hand.
"Thank you, miss." He shook her hand and discovered her strong, unyielding grip. "Um, you can let go now."
"What if I don't want to?" she said, smiling.
Bulldog jumped in.
"Hey! Leave my girl alone!" he said. "She's comin' with me!"
"I..."
"I am sorry, Bulldog," she said, then hugged Niles. He was staring Frasier, who's jaw had dropped. "But this man is everything a woman could want." She then she pinched Niles butt, he just shrugged. "I want to go with him."
"Amber!" Bulldog demanded
"Get lost," she said, and kissed Niles' forehead.
Frasier was speechless. Now Bulldog's jaw was agape.
"You should go with him, Amber. I am tired and need some rest," Niles said.
"I can make you feel better," she said in a sexy voice.
Bulldog sighed.
"Doc.." he exclaimed, "I think your brother has finally come to life!" Bulldog walked over and bearhugged Niles. "I am so proud of you, man!"
"Thank you, but now, please take this woman away!" Niles ordered.
Bulldog did, dragging her behind him, and they were gone.
"See?"
"Its incredible, Niles!" Frasier rubbed his hands together. "Would you give me some of that elixer?"
Niles was about to answer when they were interrupted.
"Oh, Frasier," Gil cried, waving at them. "Roz has been looking for you ..."
"Gil?"
"Oh, my," Gil looked at Niles clothes. "Laundry day?"
"Clever." Niles sipped his coffee. "Most clever."
"What were you saying about my show, Gil?" Frasier asked to no response. Gil was looking at Niles with a huge smile in his face. "Gil?"
"Oh, wow, Niles... what a charming perfume you're wearing!"
Niles leaped from his chair.
"Help me Frasier!!!!"
***
"Now, Niles," Frasier said when the elevator doors opened on the 19^th floor of the Elliot Bay Towers. "My first thought was to drive you home, but..." he ushered his brother out of the elevator. "But since all those women are following us, I decided it was for the better to come here. You can take a good shower, and Niles," Frasier took his brother by the collar. "if you even go near Daphne, I swear, I'll drench you with that perfume and throw you into the National Womens' Weighlifting Convention, you hear?"
"You wouldn't!" Niles said, horrified.
"Yes, well," Frasier warned. "Just behave and stay away from her." he added, opening the door. There was no one in the living room but Sherry, who was holding two glasses filled with an undefined liquid. "Damn!"
"Hi'ya Frasier!" she said walking to the hallway. "Oh, Roz has been looking for you... something about a box?"
"Thanks, I'll call her later," Frasier said, keeping Niles outside the apartment.
"Ok, see ya, gotta go keep your dad warm,"she said and was gone.
"Sherry, oh boy," Niles walked in. "That's the last woman I`d want to run into!" He sat on the suede couch. "If she ever finds me irresistable I'll have no other choice but to leave Seattle!"
"I know the perfect place for you to go.." Frasier was pouring some wine. "To Africa..to the nearest tribe of cannibals."
"Very funny," Niles said, annoyed, but accepted the wine his brother offered. "If I remember, you wanted to use the darn thing on yourself."
"I did," Frasier nodded. "Until I saw Gil..."
Niles grinned mischiveously.
"Ah, does this have something to do with that dream of yours?"
"Vade Retro." Frasier sipped his sherry.
"It seems that Daphne is not at home," Niles said, with a hint of dejection in his voice. He had really wanted to see her, even if it meant ending his days in the powerful arms of some professional female pro wrestler. "I'll have that shower now."
"Off you go," Frasier pointed toward Daphne's room. "Use Daphne's bathroom. I'll get you some clothes."
"OK," he said and walked in that direction.
The shower made Niles feel a little better. However, he couldn't help dreaming about his beloved Daphne Moon. He wanted to know what it would feel like to be the object of her love. But, just his luck, she was not at home.
Frasier brought him some of Dad's clothes. Niles hated them, but they fit, so he wore that old fashioned pair of pants and one of his father's favorite shirts.
"Say..."Niles asked. "Is the smell gone?"
"Niles, to be honest, I never did smell any perfume on you," and then added, off his look, "maybe only women can smell it."
"Then what about Gil?" Niles stopped. "Never mind."
"Why don't we go over to your place."
Then the phone rang.
It was Roz.
"Frasier, I have been looking for you all day!" she said, her voice urgent. "You have to get over here immediately...you see..Rob.."
"What did you find this time, Roz.... a shark in your coffee?"
Roz ignored that.
"He sent you a . . . box. "
"A box?"
"A black box," she stated. "It's in your booth and nobody wants to touch it."
Frasier could not help but feel intimidated. Niles was living proof that magic really worked, so...what if Rob really had all the powers he claimed?...what if Roz were turned into a hungry predator?
"But..." he paused to contol himself. "Can't you ask the maintenance man to remove it?"
"Who, Pete?"Roz laughed ironically. "The one who rubs a rabbit's foot for luck ?..the one who never walks under a ladder?..the one who never comes to work on Friday the 13^th? You must be going crazy...wait a minute..you ARE crazy."
Maybe it was time to probe all of his theories about magic..maybe it was time to prove to himself that Rob was not a Voodoo sorcerer. Maybe it was the time to emigrate to Africa to live among the cannibals.
"All right," Frasier said. "I'll be there in a few minutes."
"You'd better get here fast; Pete is considering a fire circle to keep the demons inside the box," Roz said and hung up.
"Oh, God..." Frasier placed the phone on its cradle.
"What happened?" Niles asked.
"I have to go to the station, Niles," Frasier grabbed his coat. "and it will be for the better if you keep away from Roz."
"You can drop me at my office," Niles said, following his brother. "If the perfume is still working Roz would find me irresistable."
"Roz would kill you," Frasier closed the door. "of that you can be certain."
"That's not funny!" Niles answered.
"It's not a joke!" Frasier said.
***
A black box.
That was what Rob had left on Frasier's control panel. It was black as the night itself. There were a lot of strange ideograms, red ideograms, written on it, and it didn't take a genuis to see that they were written in blood. The box was surrounded by a mystical air...just like Pandora's Box. Maybe it contained all the hell in the world ..and it was in his booth, on his control panel.
Outside the booth a huge crowd had gathered; all of them wanted to see what the box contained, or maybe what was about to eat Dr Crane. Frasier looked at it as if it were a hungry, dangerous predator trapped inside a cage in the zoo.
"Do you think there are snakes inside?" somebody asked.
"What about a dead body?"
"What about a human heart?" Roz asked, impatiently.
"What about a dessert?....don't be ridiculous." Frasier yelled. "I think it is a bomb."
"Well, it's not ticking," Pete said .
"Thank you." Frasier said rolling his eyes. He then reached for the door knob; the entire crowd stepped back. "I'll just go inside now," he said out loud, trying to muster the necessary guts to do it. The incident with Niles was still was in his head, which was pounding really hard. It was telling him that maybe...just maybe....the box was some sort of magical artifact of unknown characteristics, and . . . the worst part was that he HAD to open it. His curiosity peaked...he WANTED to know more about it...the conflict between fear and rationalism was ferocious.
"I'll open it."
"Frasier, wait!" Roz stopped him. "You can't do it!..you can't!..."
"Roz..." he faced her. "Rob cannot turn you into a hungry man-eating predator." Roz looked relieved. "You already ARE a man eater."
Bulldog burst into laughter. Roz' face clearly said `I will kill you' and she pushed him inside the booth, locking the door.
The crowd went silent.
Frasier inched toward the box, slowly, extending his arms to reach it...keeping his body away..if something was going to jump out of the box it was for the better to keep the most distance ..just to be safe.
The crowd was looking at him with full attention. They wanted to see what was about to eat Dr. Crane or what he would turn into..or both...
Frasier grabbed the box' cover. It had a sign in Spanish which read, "I dare you, Dr. Shrink". Frasier closed his eyes and removed the cover..
The crowd stepped further back.
***
Niles was completely dejected.
Although the perfume was a success, he hadn't had the chance to test it on Daphne, and that made him feel sad. He wanted to know what it felt like to be attractive to such a goddess. Anyway, he had made a decision. Perfume or no perfume, he was going to talk to her.
A question popped into his mind
Why?
Why hadn't she taken notice of his feelings for her?
Good question.... one that led to another.
Did she have feelings for him?
He didn't want to be negative, but, no. He was sure that Daphne didn't love him. How could he be sure? He had a lot of evidence, but the most powerfull was what had happened a few days ago. She had showed up at his place that night, asking if she could stay there because she had been through a terrible fight with Sherry. That night he could have sworn they would end up in bed together, but it hadn't happened. Then over the next few days she treated him with her usual casual attitude. Let's face it, Niles, he thought. He was her employer's brother, a snob, and an arrogant, mildly sarcastic psychiatrist from Seattle. He was in the middle of a divorce and . . .oh, that had to be it. She couldn't have feelings for him. But . . .oh God, he wanted to have the guts to tell her how he felt!
If she were there that very moment he would tell her, no doubt.
"Hullo, Dr. Crane. "
Niles startled, trembling, and turned to the door where Daphne stood looking at him. She had a few shopping bags in her hands and was smiling at him.
"Daphne."
She laughed a bit.
"That's your father's favorite shirt."
"It is," he said, shyly.
"It looks good on you," she stated. "Say, are you busy?"
"Oh, no, no, Daphne, come in," he said as he helped her with her bags. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh," she said as she sat on the couch, "I just came by to see if you were here. I wanted to talk to you."
Niles smiled.
"What about?"
She seemed to consider what she was about to tell him, keeping silent for a few minutes. Niles attention was complete.
"Dr. Crane," she looked at him deep into his eyes. Niles heart skipped a beat. "I`ve been thinking about what happened a few days ago in your apartment, and," her eyes drifted,
"and I want to apologize to you."
Niles smiled tenderly, and took her nearest hand in his. She stayed still, just looking at him.
"Well, you see, Daphne, there is nothing to apologize for," he said. "We just spent some time together that night, that's all. "
"Well," she said, shyly, "you did seem to be very comfortable with me presence. "
Niles nodded.
"Daphne, I am always comfortable in your presence," he stated. "Who wouldn't be?"
That made her smile at him, the warm smile of Daphne Moon.
"I just didn't want you to misunderstand the situation," she said.
"Oh, I didn't, Daphne," he assured her. "I believe we just fell into the moment. You see..I felt very lonely that night."
"And I felt just as Dr. Crane said....I felt that nobody cared for me."
"You know that's not true." Niles said, wondering why she was telling him all that. His life was a continuous puzzle. Destiny seemed to twist whatever he expected from life in a matter of seconds.
"I know, I guess." She rose and walked to the nearest window. "But that night..." she turned to see him, there, seated on the couch, looking at her. "Can I make a confession to you?"
"Of course!" Niles got up from the couch but then stood in place, even when his heart told him to move close to her. "You can tell me whatever you want. I promise you I will always be here for you, no matter what ...I want the very best for you!"
"Oh, Dr. Crane, you are so sweet," she said.
"Well, then, what is it?" he asked. "I'll keep it as a professional secret," he giggled.
"Dr. Crane...that night, I could not think of any other person who cared for me but you."
This caught Niles off guard. His heart froze for a few seconds . . .her confession was the last thing he expected to hear. Now, he thought, is this a result of the perfume or what? He didn't know.
Daphne continued. "You are always caring about me, you always help me with my little problems, so... " She turned to look out the window. "I went to your place."
Niles was close to hyperventilation, but was trying to control himself, using all of his mental power.
"I...don't know what to say..." he said, matter of factly.
"Tell me, Dr. Crane...what did you feel that night?...I mean, when we were there together, and . . ."
"I was happy to have you there with me" he stated.
"Really?"
"I swear " he said. "As I am now."
Daphne smiled.
"I don't understand why women can be so blind, not to notice the perfect husband you would be," she said.
Niles sighed.
"Maybe some day," he said. "Maybe some day the perfect match for me will notice that I love her."
He said those words with all the hope he held. He hoped that Daphne understood that he was talking about her. Oh, how Niles wished her to know, that very moment, just what his feelings were for her.
"Thats true," she said as she left the window and walked to the door, gathering her shopping bags on the way. "You will find the perfect woman for you. I am sure of it. And she will be very lucky," she added, now at the door.
Niles extended his arms in a feeble attempt to stop her. She didn't notice.
"Maybe now is not the time." she added, closing the door behind her.
***
There is no real reason to wait for Frasier.
Niles decided to go home. It was not raining so he could have a nice walk. The perfume was not working anymore, so there was no real danger in being out. How did he know the perfume had lost it's power? That was easy : Daphne had demonstrated no reaction to it, none at all. Not even when he wanted her to. As the hours passed Niles' dejection grew, so he decided to give up and return to the Montana to change.
"Maybe now is not the time." Those were her parting words. What had she been talking about? Time for what?. Those few words filled his soul with an unexplainable hope. He thought, happilly in a way, that those words perhaps meant something good. She had said that, not for him, but for her. Maybe, at the bottom of her heart...deep down...there was love for him.
The walk helped him to relax. People passed him by, taking no notice. Women just looked at him briefly and continued on their way.
Let's look at this rationally, he said out loud. He had bought a magical perfume to get Daphne's attention. And it had no effect on her. The perfume made him irresistible to all the other women he encountered, but not to her. And she was the one who mattered. His conclusion was obvious. "If she falls in love with me, it'll be because of me, not because of some stupid perfume."
"Excuse me."
Niles stopped; somebody grabbed his right arm with an arrogant familiarity that made him spin around, more angry than surprised. What then shocked him was the huge crowd of women suddenly surrounding him. His heart began to pound hard in his chest and he began to hyperventilate. Could the perfume still be working after all? All of the women were smiling at him, flirting. The woman who was holding his arm began to caress it, seductively.
"That is a really nice perfume."
The entire crowd agreed.
Niles didn't want to stay there. With a cry, he spun around and began to run as fast as he could. The female crowd chased him at full speed. Niles turned left at the next corner. He realized that he was fairly close to KACL, just nine blocks or so. It was just his luck, however, that the street he took happened to be a dead end.
***
Frasier opened the box.
There were no demons coming out of it.
No hungry predators wanting him for dinner.
No body parts.
No hellfire
No nothing
There was nothing like that...
It was a cake, a chocolate cake.
Frasier was completely puzzled. A cake? What kind of Voodoo sorcerer was Rob? Oh, hold on a minute...there is a piece of folded paper to one side. Frasier pulled it out and read it. It said:
"Eat this cake, Dr. Crane, you know you want to. When you opened the box, a demon was unleashed, a demon who will drive a weak mind like you to eat this cake and then become my slave, eat it."
Oh, yes, sure...
So Rob said that a demon was going to drive him to eat the damned cake. It looked delicious, indeed, but he couldn't eat it, no way in hell. Maybe it was poisoned; maybe it was made with some bizarre kind of milk. You see, if Cleopatra took milk baths, why not bake a cake with some other kind of milk? He didn't believe in Voodoo, that was the truth, but he believed in poisons.
Frasier grinned. Once more, his professional mind was right and the magic Rob had been talking about was fake. Yes, no matter what had happened to Niles. But he certainly didn't want to eat that cake. He looked at the crowd over his shoulder. They were very still, looking at him with complete attention. Frasier decided to teach them all a lesson. They believed in Voodoo, so he'd give them a real Voodoo show....
Frasier looked at Roz through the window and called her, waving his right hand. Roz mimed "No way!" but, due to his insistence, she opened the door. Slowly, cautiously, she walked in, keeping as much distance between herself and the box as she could. Frasier smiled at her.
"It's a cake, Roz," he said, annoyed.
Roz' stare went blank
"A cake?"
"Yes, a cake," He indicated at the box, irritated. "A chocolate cake."
Roz didn't want to look at it.
"You see, Roz, nothing's happened...no demons, no wild animals, nothing," Frasier said, rubbing his head. "Let me just...take this out..."
Frasier leaned toward the box and placed his hands on it. Then panic struck his face. Roz stepped back. Frasier tried to pull his hands out but he couldn't. There was horror in his eyes.
"Something's trapped my hands!" Frasier leaned dramatically from the box, pulling and pulling. "Roz!!! Help me!!!" Roz didn't knew what to do, so she just stood still looking horrorified at Frasier as he leaned more and more from the box. "Help me Roz!"
Roz fainted. The crowd ran away screaming. Frasier Crane laughed heartily and pulled the cake out of the box.
***
Niles Crane was trapped.
He was surrounded.
"Hello, sweetheart," a woman said. "There is no escape from here so...I think you know what we all want."
"No, I..." Niles was scared to death. "What do you want from me?"
"We want you."
"We can make a deal," he said, hopefully. "I have nowhere to run."
"That's true," the women said.
"Well," Niles decided to deal head-on with the problem. "You tell me how can I help you. I am a psychiatrist, so I know there is a peacefull solution to every problem."
"Are you a good psychiatrist?" asked a gracefull, good looking woman in formal attire.
"Yes," he said, "a very good one. Seattle would be lost if you hurt me," he stated.
"OK, then." The woman spun around to talk with the others. Niles wasn't able to hear any of their chatter. He was terrified; he had a strange feeling about all this. After a minute or so, the woman turned again to face him. "Are you a good dancer?"
Niles was completely puzzled, stunned. What did they want him to do?
"Dan...dancer?"
"Yes, dancer...." the woman was smiling. "We decided that no one of us would permit the others to have you, so..." she smiled. "We want you to dance for us."
"What?!"
***
Frasier was still laughing when Roz came to. He had the cake on the control panel and was leaning over her.
"Are..." laughter "are you OK, Rozalind?" more laughter this time. Roz realized it all was a joke and she shot him her look of death. "Oh, geez!...that was so..." more laughter. "so funny!"
"Yeah, funny." She accepted the hand he was extending to her, helping her up. "Very funny, playing with people's fears!"
Frasier gasped for air.
"Just look in the hallway." He pointed in that direction. Roz looked too and then she began to laugh. The hallway was deserted. "They ran away!"
Roz then folded her arms, angry again.
"You owe me one, mister know-it-all!" she stated, which stopped Frasier's laughter.
"Oh, c'mon, Roz, don't you agree that I was completely right?...could you seriously think this cake is a magic artifact?"
Roz shook her head.
"It looks tasty, though," was her answer.
"Take a bit," he offered. Roz stepped back. "But if you do ...." in his Boris Karloff voice "you'll be Rob's zombie!"
Roz burst into laughter.
"Say, do you think Bulldog would eat it?" she asked, thoughtfully.
"Absolutely," he said, laughing again. "But what if Rob used him to bring on your worst nightmare?" Frasier asked. Off Roz look, he added, "Imagine Bulldog lusting after you all day long."
Roz shrugged her shoulders with a nasty smile on her face.
"Sounds like the normal Bulldog to me," she said.
Frasier pondered this with a far away look in his eyes.
Roz snapped him back to earth. "Let's get that darn thing out of here!" she said taking the cake off the control panel. "It gives me the creeps."
Frasier agreed and they both walked out of the booth. One by one they came upon their co-workers. Roz, cake in hand, was very amused at how the people looked at it. Some were really puzzled. Gil Chesterton looked at it with real desire, indeed, the cake looked really tasty. They were almost at the elevator when Bulldog appeared from the hallway with Chopper Dave.
"Hey, doc, you're alive!" Bulldog said, relieved. "We were going to call 911."
"Oh, c'mon Bulldog, I..."
"..want to give you this cake!" Roz interjected, handing the cake to Bulldog. Frasier sighed, annoyed. Bulldog accepted it, smiling.
"From you, Roz?"
"Oh, yeah, " she said, looking at him, really interested. Chopper Dave was looking at the cake too, hungrily. "Bon appetit!"
"LET'S SPLIT IT UP RIGHT NOW!" he yelled. "I AM HUNGRY!"
Bulldog and Chopper Dave disappeared down the hallway. Frasier folded his arms and sighed again.
"Roz!" he said, urgently. "Do you realize that cake could be poisoned?" he asked.
"Oh, he will be fine" she shouted confidently. "Besides..it would be interesting to see him lusting after me." Then she smiled. "Don't you remember when he ate everything the Happy Cheff Leo Pasqueale gave him? If he could eat that stuff, believe me, he can eat anything."
Frasier pondered that matter and finally nodded, walking into the now open elevator doors.
"Well, that's true," he laughed, selecting the basement parking lot button.
"Let's go have a cup of coffee," Roz offered. "Your treat...and don't give me that look. You scared me to death!"
"I wish I could," Frasier said rubbing his forehead. "But I have to pick up Niles "
"I'll go with you."
"I don't think you'd want to see him right now," Fraiser stated. "He's been kind of glum lately."
"OK, some other time." she said. "But can you give me a ride?"
"Sure, Roz." Frasier decided Niles could wait a little longer.
Frasier's BMW was parked between two large vans. Roz squeezed into the passenger seat and waited for Frasier. But he was not even trying to get into the car. He was looking, horrified, at the naked man behind his car. Niles Crane! His brother was trying to retain his dignity by covering himself with an old newspaper.
"Niles!"
"The perfume is still working!" he whispered. "Take me home!"
"I can't," Frasier walked toward the rear of his car. "Roz is with me."
"Oh, God!," Niles crouched dramatically. "Not Roz!"
"Yes, Roz!" Frasier said. "And what happened to you this time?" he asked, but then decided that he didn't want to know. "Never mind."
"You have to get me out of here!" Niles demanded, still whispering. "They are looking for me!"
Roz knocked on the window to get Frasier's attention.
"I'll be there in a minute," he called.
Frasier walked next to his brother and used his key to open the trunk. Niles looked at him angrily.
"I won't get in there!" he stated.
"Oh, yes, you will" Frasier ordered. "Or I will tell Roz you're here."
"Oh, my." Niles jumped into the trunk. Frasier took off his coat and tossed it to his brother.
"There, cover up," he said and closed the trunk before Niles could reply.
***
The Montana, three hours later:
"Oh, Frasier, what am I to do?" Niles asked, hovering nervously about the living room. "This perfume is not removable."
Frasier just shrugged as he walked to the bar.
"Maybe you should try to become a sex symbol," he said sarcastically.
"Very funny!" Niles shouted. "That is no help"
"I am sorry, Niles," Frasier poured two glasses of brandy. "But I don't know what you should do. Now that you're safe and dressed, why don't you tell me what happened?"
Niles nodded, taking minute to collect his thoughts, and began.
"I decided to walk home. I thought the perfume wasn't working anymore. Then this crowd of women cornered me in an alleyway, a dead end. They made me dance for them."
"Dance?"
"Yes, dance. As the music played they began to rip my clothes off! Suddenly it was total confusion!" Niles breathed deeply. "I barely escaped when they tried to raffle me!"
Frasier chuckled.
"How you must have felt, Niles. I mean, that is the ultimate dream of every man.
Niles smiled with vanity.
"It was flattering....believe me...but..." suddenly his face grew dark. "What a terrible fate I face...." Niles leaned forward to take the glass his brother offered him. "I will be the irresistible man for every woman but Daphne....the perfume didn't work on her..." and then sipped his brandy. Of course, when he realized what he had said it was too late. Frasier grabbed him. "Oh, dear..."
"I told you not to get close to her!" Frasier said, angry. "How could you?"
"Well, I didn't!" Niles raised his voice. "She showed up at my office..what was I supposed to do, slam the door in her face?"
Frasier calmed down.
"You're right. You say the perfume didn't work on her?"
"Nothing. We just talked for a few minutes and then she left..that was all..."
"Incredible," Frasier said, thoughtfully. What was happening? How could the perfume have no effect on Daphne? "Where did you buy it?"
Niles sat on the fainting couch.
"I bought it from an old gypsy woman."
"Well, let's go see her." Frasier ordered. "Let's finish this once and for all."
Niles nodded.
"Good idea, Frasier but..first tell me..what was the urgent business at your office?"
"A cake." said Frasier, a second before they were gone.
***
The place where the gypsy lived resembled a set for a 50's horror movie. It had old furniture and black and white photos on the walls. They were photos of some old and, by now, certainly dead people. The gypsy had a live crow and a crystal ball. Frasier was annoyed at this cheap magical display but Niles was somehow relieved. And why not, since the cure was right here.
Frasier expected a pair of thieves to come down the stairs and attack them, but it was the gypsy who greeted them at the door.
"Your brother can wait here," the gypsy said, leading Niles into to a second room. Frasier looked quite uncomfortable, but obeyed.
"I see you used the perfume," she said. Niles nodded. "But you didn't read all the instructions, did you?"
"I didn't?"
"Do you remember what I told you?" the gypsy asked seriously. "To think if you really needed it."
"But I do need it."
"How can you be so sure?" the gypsy asked, and then smiled. "Have you ever told her about your feelings?"
"No, I haven't."
The gypsy sat on an old wooden rocking chair.
"Then, how do you know how she feels?"
Niles pondered the question for a minute. He had no answer for that. It was true that he never told Daphne about his feelings.
"Well, I tried to guess."
"Do not guess, just...feel. Look into her eyes. They hold the key to her heart. When you meet the perfect match for you, there's a little spark in her eyes." Those words stuck in Niles' head. It was worth it to test this out.
"I'll keep that in mind," Niles smiled.
"Now go, and do not worry about the perfume anymore, it is harmless now."
"How did you do that?" He was puzzled.
"An old woman's trick," the gypsy said. "Remember what I've told you, Niles Crane, never look for love where it already is."
Niles nodded in silence, pondering those last words as he left.
***
Niles Crane buzzed his secretary. He was finished for the day; there were no more patients to see, so he decided to tell her she could go home.
"Yes, Dr. Crane?"
"Clarisse, if you have finished your work you're free to leave," he said while signing a few papers. "But before you go, please bring me a cup of coffee."
"OK, Dr. Crane, I'll be there in a minute," she said and hung up, "a big cup of coffee."
Niles continued with his work, filing documents and making notes about his patients. He read a paragraph of a book he had on his desk, pausing to add some more notes in his firm, clear hand. Twenty minutes passed quickly. The room was completely silent. The faint noise he heard came from outside where Clarisse was probably preparing his coffee. Suddenly the door opened. He heard it but continued with his work, not raising his head. The cup of coffee was placed to his right.
"Thank you, Clarisse, see you tomorrow," he said, politely, but with no intention of raising his head.
"Dr. Crane?" called a voice that didn't belong to Clarisse.
Niles lifted his eyes from his work to find Daphne at his side. It caught him off guard so he trembled slightly. She caught his reaction and grinned.
"Did I scare you?"
"How could an angel scare me?" he said, rising from his seat. "What a nice surprise."
"You always have the right words to say, Dr. Crane. May I join you for coffee?" She indicated the cup she held. "I am sorry to bother you. I overheard Clarisse talking with you so I wanted to surprise you."
"And you did, it's a wonderfull surprise," he motioned her to sit. "Please, have a seat."
She took the chair across from his desk.
"Are you busy?"
"No." He looked briefly at his work. He had, indeed, a lot of paperwork, but it could wait. "What are you doing in this boring place?" he asked, jokingly. "I thought you were going to the mall with Dad and Sherry."
"I did," she chuckled. "But those two love birds didn't need me, so I decided to see if you were here." Daphne sipped her coffee. "Maybe you can give me a ride to your brother's," she said. Niles nodded immediately. "In return, I'll keep you company while you finish your work...deal?"
"Deal," Niles accepted, getting up from his chair to hover, holding his coffee in one hand. Daphne followed him with her eyes. "This was a very busy day."
"Maybe a nice dessert would make you feel better," she offered. "What do you say?"
"Would you do that for me?" Niles asked, unconciously.
"Why, yes!" she rose from the chair. "Of course, but we will have to make a stop at the market."
"I look forward for it." Niles left his cup on the desk "Lets go now!" he added, touched.
"OK." She placed her cup next to his and walked to the door. "I'll wait for you in the hallway."
"Good!" Niles watched her close the door and then, at full speed , thanking God for his luck, began to switch all the lights off. Then something made him stop. The scroll, the instructions for the perfume, were on the floor near a lamp. Niles picked it up and began to read. A passage caught his attention; it was at the bottom of the scroll written in red What he it said gave him a farway look and a smile. He'd probably would have been there for a few more minutes, but Daphne was at the door calling him. Niles spun around and walked over to meet her. She smiled at him as they left the office together.
Niles Crane had a new hope in his heart, because the scroll had said that the perfume was not effective if the woman you loved was already in love with you.
The End
Credits tag
Frasier is waiting for the elevator at KACL. Niles tiptoes up to him, sprays some perfume on him , then runs away. He hides in a nearby booth. The elevator door opens, revealing Gil Chesterton, who walks out as Frasier gets in. Gil sniffs the air and turns to look at Frasier. Gil gets a huge smile on his face, then walks back into the elevator. Frasier looks at him in horror as the door closes. Then Niles walks out of the booth and blows the perfume bottle as if it were a smoking gun.