The white ceiling, a familiar sight. Rei reached out her hand, trying to touch it. Maybe it would give her some comfort, some comfort to touch it.
A hand reached out, almost touching hers. She turned her head slowly, staring at the figure. He wouldn't dare touch her hand... he took in his breath as she stared at him. Rei let her hand fall on his, him holding it up gently. He blushed gently, and put her hand slowly down onto the mattress. She winced in pain and he fretted for a moment. "Are... you in pain?"
She stared at him again. What was he asking? She almost didn't understand his motives. "Yes," she whispered lightly.
"I could go get a nurse or a doctor or something..." Shinji stuttered. He didn't know what to do, what he could say to help her.
"No."
"Okay." Shinji sighed. Boy, was he a help.
"You look as if you haven't slept." Rei said, her monotone voice sounded slightly gentle.
"I haven't much lately." He said quietly, not looking at her. More looking at the floor.
"Why?"
Did she need to ask? Of course, Shinji, she did. You haven't said anything to her. Each time you just stutter, loose your courage. Do it now. It almost sounded like his father talking in the back of his head. "After my short stay I haven't left your side."
She turned her head, not looking at him. Never left her side? She looked at the ceiling again. "Why... why did you cry that day, when you saw me?"
The words filled his chest with ice. It hurt to breath. Why was she asking? Did she really need to know? He didn't want to tell her... he didn't want to. "Rei, everything's going to end."
"I know."
"What?" Shinji looked at her surprised. "You mean you know this is all going to happen?"
"It's fate. Shinji, you can stop it, though."
"How?" He was shaking. Stop it from happening again? Oh, please, oh, please, let it be possible. Anything but this loneliness. Anything! Anything at all. He could end this now and tell her how he felt... be with her forever rather than living in that emptiness...
"Kill me."
The view flashed in his head. Blood. Wings. Feathers. Was that what it meant? Stop this all but sacrifice her... the her that meant so much to him. No. This couldn't be resolved with her death. "You're crazy... that can't be right, Rei. You don't have to die to stop this."
She stared blankly at him. "Shinji, just kill me. I don't matter."
"But you do matter!" Rei jumped slightly and shut her eyes. She wasn't used to his harsh shouting. She wasn't used to anyone caring. "Rei, you do matter..."
"No." She said quietly.
"You do..."
She sat up quickly, wincing from the pain and the blood rushing to her head. She grabbed at the side of the bed, steadying herself. "Stop it. I don't matter. I don't matter. Kill me, Shinji. Stop your suffering before it starts."
"But Rei..." He looked at her, her hand gripping the bed, the pain she was in. He could... relieve it. He could kill her, give her what she wants. He could avoid the loneliness.
"Shinji, end it."
In his mind, it wasn't only her saying it. Asuka, Misato... and his father. They were all repeating it. Forcing him to make a choice. Forcing him like they always did. He placed his hands over his ears, cradling his head. "I can't!"
"Shinji..."
"I won't! Rei, I won't!" He shook his head violently, then looked up at her. "I can't kill you! No matter how much you'd want that, or how much it would relieve what I'll have to suffer, I won't. Rei, I just can't do that to you. I can't... because..." He stuttered, his courage leaving him. He took a deep breath, looking at her.
Her expression didn't change. She always had that constant expression. She was asking him to kill her and she wouldn't even cry, wouldn't even frown... just blank. If he said it... if he said it would she change? He opened his mouth and breathed in. "Because I love you."
She blinked. "Love?"
"I could never hurt you. I'd kill myself first." He stuttered again, unsure of exactly what he was saying. "I'd live through being lonely just so..."
"You won't kill me?"
"Of course not!" Shinji didn't know why she was so pent up on him killing her. Why? Why would she ever think he would be able to do that? And she had pretty much just ignored him spouting his feelings... why? Why wouldn't she say anything? It was so frustrating!
He stared at her, his eyes gleaming with something. Could that be the love he talked about, she thought. No, that's the look that Gendo always had. The inner frustration, the turmoil he couldn't get over. Why was Shinji looking at her like that? She reached out her hand, touching the side of his face gently. He looked slightly like Gendo to her... slightly. But he wasn't Gendo... he was so much gentler. He cared so much more...
Goosebumps ran over Shinji's body. She was touching him... The warmth spread through his body. He didn't want her to stop. As he did with Misato's pajamas, he memorized the feeling of her hand against his skin... the emotion, the raw feelings of it all. He'd hold this in him... hold this in him for when it all became lonely again. He would let it all be lonely for her.
Rei reached deep inside her thoughts. Shinji's words echoed in her head. "I love you..." Only his voice repeated that over and over, no one else's. She remembered... seeing Gendo... kiss that woman. Was that what love was? Gendo didn't seem capable of love... how could that be what love was? "Shinji?"
"Yes?" Shinji had been waiting for her reply. He was still fairly drugged from the feeling of her hand against his face. He cherished it.
"I don't..." Shinji's heart instantly broke. She didn't feel the same way. Would he just kill her now? Since she would make him suffer now, and later, he should just kill her now. He clenched his fist, but slowly relaxed it. I can't... I can't kill her. I love her. "...know what love is."
He blinked. He was wrong. Why did his thoughts run away with him like that? And now how to explain to her... He had no idea. Did he even know himself? His father never said anything about it... his father never said anything. Get back to Rei! His thoughts were sporadic, but he needed to continue talking to her... he hoped, hoped that he would actually be able to do something this time.
It was silent. Had she said something wrong? He had seemed disturbed for a moment, but now seemed confused. Why the sudden change? This was all too confusing. She began to pull her hand away.
He felt her hand leave. No! He wanted it to stay... He grabbed her hand. Her eyes widened. He, himself was shocked and almost afraid of what he was doing. He swallowed. Come on, Shinji, don't back away, don't loose that courage, or whatever it is. He pulled her closer.
Rei gasped quietly. Why, why did he grab her? Her skin tingled around her wrist, around the warmth of his hand. She felt him pulling her... pulling her in. She didn't mind. She went willfully. Shinji... wasn't a person to struggle against in her mind. He... loves her after all.
Shinji pulled her closer. He reached out his other hand, taking a hold of her shoulder. He saw her flinch once again, in pain, so he held her more gently. She relaxed. He gently leaned in... pausing. Should he? She wants to know what love is... that echoed through his mind.
"Rei..." He whispered gently. The sensation of just his voice sent a shiver through Rei's body. Their lips met... and it felt as if Shinji's heart had stopped. The bliss... of just being able to taste her for just a moment. This bliss would fill his mind for that eternity... that eternity he must spend alone.
A hand reached out, almost touching hers. She turned her head slowly, staring at the figure. He wouldn't dare touch her hand... he took in his breath as she stared at him. Rei let her hand fall on his, him holding it up gently. He blushed gently, and put her hand slowly down onto the mattress. She winced in pain and he fretted for a moment. "Are... you in pain?"
She stared at him again. What was he asking? She almost didn't understand his motives. "Yes," she whispered lightly.
"I could go get a nurse or a doctor or something..." Shinji stuttered. He didn't know what to do, what he could say to help her.
"No."
"Okay." Shinji sighed. Boy, was he a help.
"You look as if you haven't slept." Rei said, her monotone voice sounded slightly gentle.
"I haven't much lately." He said quietly, not looking at her. More looking at the floor.
"Why?"
Did she need to ask? Of course, Shinji, she did. You haven't said anything to her. Each time you just stutter, loose your courage. Do it now. It almost sounded like his father talking in the back of his head. "After my short stay I haven't left your side."
She turned her head, not looking at him. Never left her side? She looked at the ceiling again. "Why... why did you cry that day, when you saw me?"
The words filled his chest with ice. It hurt to breath. Why was she asking? Did she really need to know? He didn't want to tell her... he didn't want to. "Rei, everything's going to end."
"I know."
"What?" Shinji looked at her surprised. "You mean you know this is all going to happen?"
"It's fate. Shinji, you can stop it, though."
"How?" He was shaking. Stop it from happening again? Oh, please, oh, please, let it be possible. Anything but this loneliness. Anything! Anything at all. He could end this now and tell her how he felt... be with her forever rather than living in that emptiness...
"Kill me."
The view flashed in his head. Blood. Wings. Feathers. Was that what it meant? Stop this all but sacrifice her... the her that meant so much to him. No. This couldn't be resolved with her death. "You're crazy... that can't be right, Rei. You don't have to die to stop this."
She stared blankly at him. "Shinji, just kill me. I don't matter."
"But you do matter!" Rei jumped slightly and shut her eyes. She wasn't used to his harsh shouting. She wasn't used to anyone caring. "Rei, you do matter..."
"No." She said quietly.
"You do..."
She sat up quickly, wincing from the pain and the blood rushing to her head. She grabbed at the side of the bed, steadying herself. "Stop it. I don't matter. I don't matter. Kill me, Shinji. Stop your suffering before it starts."
"But Rei..." He looked at her, her hand gripping the bed, the pain she was in. He could... relieve it. He could kill her, give her what she wants. He could avoid the loneliness.
"Shinji, end it."
In his mind, it wasn't only her saying it. Asuka, Misato... and his father. They were all repeating it. Forcing him to make a choice. Forcing him like they always did. He placed his hands over his ears, cradling his head. "I can't!"
"Shinji..."
"I won't! Rei, I won't!" He shook his head violently, then looked up at her. "I can't kill you! No matter how much you'd want that, or how much it would relieve what I'll have to suffer, I won't. Rei, I just can't do that to you. I can't... because..." He stuttered, his courage leaving him. He took a deep breath, looking at her.
Her expression didn't change. She always had that constant expression. She was asking him to kill her and she wouldn't even cry, wouldn't even frown... just blank. If he said it... if he said it would she change? He opened his mouth and breathed in. "Because I love you."
She blinked. "Love?"
"I could never hurt you. I'd kill myself first." He stuttered again, unsure of exactly what he was saying. "I'd live through being lonely just so..."
"You won't kill me?"
"Of course not!" Shinji didn't know why she was so pent up on him killing her. Why? Why would she ever think he would be able to do that? And she had pretty much just ignored him spouting his feelings... why? Why wouldn't she say anything? It was so frustrating!
He stared at her, his eyes gleaming with something. Could that be the love he talked about, she thought. No, that's the look that Gendo always had. The inner frustration, the turmoil he couldn't get over. Why was Shinji looking at her like that? She reached out her hand, touching the side of his face gently. He looked slightly like Gendo to her... slightly. But he wasn't Gendo... he was so much gentler. He cared so much more...
Goosebumps ran over Shinji's body. She was touching him... The warmth spread through his body. He didn't want her to stop. As he did with Misato's pajamas, he memorized the feeling of her hand against his skin... the emotion, the raw feelings of it all. He'd hold this in him... hold this in him for when it all became lonely again. He would let it all be lonely for her.
Rei reached deep inside her thoughts. Shinji's words echoed in her head. "I love you..." Only his voice repeated that over and over, no one else's. She remembered... seeing Gendo... kiss that woman. Was that what love was? Gendo didn't seem capable of love... how could that be what love was? "Shinji?"
"Yes?" Shinji had been waiting for her reply. He was still fairly drugged from the feeling of her hand against his face. He cherished it.
"I don't..." Shinji's heart instantly broke. She didn't feel the same way. Would he just kill her now? Since she would make him suffer now, and later, he should just kill her now. He clenched his fist, but slowly relaxed it. I can't... I can't kill her. I love her. "...know what love is."
He blinked. He was wrong. Why did his thoughts run away with him like that? And now how to explain to her... He had no idea. Did he even know himself? His father never said anything about it... his father never said anything. Get back to Rei! His thoughts were sporadic, but he needed to continue talking to her... he hoped, hoped that he would actually be able to do something this time.
It was silent. Had she said something wrong? He had seemed disturbed for a moment, but now seemed confused. Why the sudden change? This was all too confusing. She began to pull her hand away.
He felt her hand leave. No! He wanted it to stay... He grabbed her hand. Her eyes widened. He, himself was shocked and almost afraid of what he was doing. He swallowed. Come on, Shinji, don't back away, don't loose that courage, or whatever it is. He pulled her closer.
Rei gasped quietly. Why, why did he grab her? Her skin tingled around her wrist, around the warmth of his hand. She felt him pulling her... pulling her in. She didn't mind. She went willfully. Shinji... wasn't a person to struggle against in her mind. He... loves her after all.
Shinji pulled her closer. He reached out his other hand, taking a hold of her shoulder. He saw her flinch once again, in pain, so he held her more gently. She relaxed. He gently leaned in... pausing. Should he? She wants to know what love is... that echoed through his mind.
"Rei..." He whispered gently. The sensation of just his voice sent a shiver through Rei's body. Their lips met... and it felt as if Shinji's heart had stopped. The bliss... of just being able to taste her for just a moment. This bliss would fill his mind for that eternity... that eternity he must spend alone.