Jealousy is an Ugly Thing by Gundam's Angel
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own the Gundam Wing characters, only characters I own are the ones who you have never heard of in the series.
Warnings: Same as before and I the info given on Heero is based on my imagination! :o)
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Part 4
Heero walked down the long hallway of the airport. Gate E47, where is gate E47?
Amanda had called him early in the morning to know for sure if he was going. She told him what gate her flight was going into and at what time since it had been changed. Instead of nine o'clock it was delayed to ten o'clock but he still went at nine. He was anxious to be with her again. He had loved her so much when they were together. She was the one who gave him the strength to go on during his training. His training itself had to interfere.
Two months before Operation Meteor began Dr. J had begun to wake up him late in the night. He had told him that it was more training. He told Heero he had to agree with it and had no other choice, even though he wished he had. It was the worst training he had ever had, to him even worst then when he was trained to dodge bullets. It was the removing of the only ounce of humanity left in him, his emotions.
Every night he was sat on a special chair with attachments to his whole body. Everytime he would feel or show an emotion a shock would be sent through all his body it wasn't fatal but was painful enough to make his eyes tear. This would result in more shocking and the painful process would go on for hours into the early morning. He never screamed because previous training had removed that action as well. Since he never screamed Amanda never woke up and never knew. When he finally managed to not show any emotions or care about certain things he thought the cruel training was over. He was never more wrong.
The training became even crueler. Dr. J would threaten to kill Amanda or him and he would show fear and panic. The repetition of the shocking would begin all over again until the mental barrier was formed.
You care, you get hurt. Emotions are for the weak. It is unnecessary in war and no one matters but you and the mission
He wasn't aware of when it happened but that it just happened. One day he just couldn't show emotions. He was not afraid of dying and didn't show his fear of anyone he knew dying. Death was something he accepted and was brainwashed into believing that only completing the mission mattered and anyone and anything that stood in his way was just an obstacle into completing the mission and had to be removed. He cared a lot more about things than it seemed but the mental barrier buried what his humanity wanted to shout to the world. That he did care and didn't want to hurt or destroy anything or anyone else. Dr. J was happy with his apparently cold emotionless attitude and had advised him that it was all right to act on his emotions but not to show them. That showing them would leave him weak and vulnerable to the enemy if he was ever caught.
Relena and the others were the only ones who were able to break through a portion of his mental barrier. They sparked his realization of his own humanity again. Through them he had learned that it was all right to care and love that he wouldn't get hurt. That he wasn't a killing machine but a breathing living person. He was happy to be able to feel again but he had soon realized that he still couldn't show them. It felt too awkward and unnecessary even though he did want to show them, it was no longer a matter of fear of pain. Deep down inside him the mental barrier had still not been broken. While his heart said its ok to show them and to do so, a voice he wasn't aware of and never consciously hear would still yell out as much as it could,
"Emotions equal pain. You don't want to suffer any more do you?"
Sometime in the war Dr. J had contacted him telling him that he had nearly been killed for the first time. He was almost killed because the invisible cloak had malfunctioned and Oz was able to find the large training center and laboratory. He had not mentioned Amanda so Heero naturally assumed that she had not been able to escape and was killed. He grieved for her in his own way but fighting Oz with more hatred then ever. Although when she had called him his heart soared and an old happiness filled him again.
As he sat in the waiting chairs of the gate his hands began to sweat. Why are my hands sweating? Do I still love Amanda? I can't love her anymore I love Relena now, don't I?
"Oi Heero! You just gonna sit there staring at you hands all day?"
Heero looked up into the pools of emerald green eyes. "Amanda" he whispered standing up to greet her.
Amanda smiled, "Yep the one and only! Stop staring at me and give me a hug!"
Heero walked closer to her and gave her a tight squeeze. "I've missed you" he breathed into her ear.
Amanda squeezed back inhaling his musky but sweet natural scent. Heero released her staring at her totally confused.
What was that? I actually told her I missed her?
Amanda felt the urge to break the awkward silence. "I'm starving! I had no breakfast I was so excited. Is there a good place around here to eat?"
Heero nodded he had not been able to eat as well and was hungry too. " I know of a good diner, let's go."
He picked up her bags and led her towards his car. He drove silently while she listened to music.
"Heero?"
"Hm?"
"Thanks for being there to pick me up."
"My pleasure"
My pleasure? It was wasn't it?
They soon arrived at the Sunrise Diner and were seated. They placed their order with the kind waitress and were quietly waiting. Amanda knew Heero was a quiet boy, now he was anyway but never as quiet as he was being.
"Heero how are you doing now? I kept up with what you were doing throughout the whole war. I was so proud of you."
"There's nothing to be proud of. I was just completing my mission."
"It's that attitude of yours that almost got you killed! Self detonating honestly! Everyone needed you Heero, we still do. The world, the colonies, your friends, and… myself. Sure you seem like a cat with nine lives but it's not true you only have one. Your own luck and skill have kept you alive for so long. What would ending your life have accomplished anyway hm? Tell me that."
Heero smiled at the way she had praised and scolded him at the same time but shook his head sadly.
"What would it have accomplished? The end of my suffering that's what. My life is cheap I have destroyed so many lives."
Amanda's heart tightened she was expecting an answer like that "Yeah, Oz's soldiers which was what needed to be done they had no mercy towards anyone, why should you have mercy towards them?"
"They had no fault they were just following orders like I was. I'm talking about all the innocent lives. Everything beautiful that was destroyed. I would end my life right now I have no right to live after I helped cause such chaos. I mean the only reason I haven't is because of her…"
Whoa, did I just tell her all of that? How come it's so easy to tell her? I trust everyone else as much as her.
"Heero! I have never heard such a stupid idea come out of your mouth! You helped SAVE everyone. All of you gundam pilots are heroes. The loss of the innocent lives wasn't the fault of any of you and none of you should feel guilty over it. You are all just too damn kind. That loss was something that was sure to happen while a war was going on. Yes it is sad and it hurts but the important thing is that thanks to all of you we are at a time of peace where everyone can live happily. I swear mister if I ever hear you even mention such a barbaric idea again I'll put you over my knee and spank you!"
Heero threw his head back and let out a wholehearted laugh. The thought of her doing that, a girl smaller and weaker than him was just too ridiculous.
As they continued enjoying the lovely view of the large diner window an odd feeling came over him. He felt relaxed and calm. What is it about her? Being with her is so relaxing and feels so right.
Amanda's eyes narrowed at the realization of something she almost missed. "Uh, Heero what did you mean when you said that the only reason you haven't ended your life is because of her, who is she?"
Heero shifted nervously as his moment of relaxing was interrupted.
Should I tell her about Relena? No I shouldn't but why? Why does it matter? It matters because it will hurt her wouldn't it? If she knew I love someone other then her. Whoa other then her? I keep thinking that. Ugh this is too confusing!
Heero's salvation came from the waitress when she returned with their orders. She interrupted them for a long enough time for him to think of a way to change the subject. When she left once again politely he saw that Amanda was still looking at him expectantly.
"All right enough about me, how about you? How have you been Amanda?"
What are you hiding Heero? Who is she?
Amanda then chose to ignore the little incident. She would have plenty of time to figure it out. Now was her chance to find out what she had wanted to know for so long, what had really happened between them.
"I've been better then you. I wasn't fighting. I only used my hacking skills to give information to Dr. J and when Oz found out about the center we both escaped. I left him and kept up with the war on my own. I even found out about my parents, Oz had something to do with it like Dr. J always suspected. Now tell me Heero, I've been wondering all this time, Why did you break up with me so suddenly? What did I do wrong?"
Heero's heart dropped as her voice quivered and the tears forming in her eyes. He knew he had hurt her but not that much. Damn Dr. J for making me say that to her anyway.
"Amanda I-I'm sorry but it wasn't my fault. You don't know the whole story."
Amanda was surprised at his stuttering he had never stuttered, always sure of himself and never nervous. She knew he had to be truly sorry.
"That's what I want to know, what happened?"
Her eye's widened as he openly told her his story.
I can tell her she needs to know that I didn't want to break up with her but had to.
Amanda's hands began to curl into small fists. It angered her that Dr. J could have been so cruel. She had felt that he was a second father to both of them. Now she knew that he was never one to either of them. He was only a cruel man obsessed with completing the mission and he had hurt the closest person to her. She found hatred towards him. She looked up to face Heero only to have her breath catch in her throat. It almost wasn't noticeable but it was there. Tears were slowing forming in his eyes.
Heero felt a hot sting in his eyes and wiped at them, only to find moisture.
I'm crying? I thought I forgot how to cry. How come I can cry now?
He felt a soft cool hand wipe away another tear that had squeezed itself out of his eye.
"Heero what that man did to you was beyond cruel and I will always hate him for that. I'm glad we are together again I want to help you."
Heero smiled and kissed her hand. "You already are thank you. Come on lets go to my friend's mansion I want you to meet everyone."
Amanda nodded her head. "Sure if they are all as handsome as they guy who answered the video phone maybe I'll get a new boyfriend."
Heero gave her a small glare and she laughed. "I'm kidding I'm kidding! Besides they can't be as handsome as you."
Heero blushed "Yea but no one is more beautiful than you."
Relena is Relena is Relena is Relena is Relena is his mind yelled back.
Heero paid and left a tip for the waitress as they left the diner. They reached the car and began to drive towards the mansion. Amanda leaned back in her seat and sighed.
Heero I'm glad you're turning back into the guy I loved.