*grumbles* yeah, yeah... it'll be longer in between chapters from now on,
people, school is starting back.... WE HATES IT! WE HATES IT FOREVER!!!
Personally I think I would be much better off without an education....
Anyway, this is the longest chapter so far. It probably says about the same though. I hope you like it. Oh, I noticed an absence of disclaimers in my third chapter, so the first one goes for all of the chapters except for two, which has its own.
This chapter is dedicated to Chibi Yaoi Tenshi, my soul-sister, my missing half, and my all-around buddy. Thank you for understanding me, for putting up with me, for never hesitating to tell me what you think, and for letting me do the same for you. You depend on me without stifling me, and I hope I don't stifle you ^^ Please don't ever change any more than you have to.
Okay, that's that. On to the story.
~~~
Nanashi
ch 4- Because I Have To
~~~
I stand under the water beating down, warm and soothing, relaxing my sore muscles. I overstrained myself last time I went to the dojo. I am an expert swordsman, but more than four hours will make even me hurt. I'm taking especially long today - maybe I can use up all the hot water before Yohji gets in. I'm annoyed with him right now; he keeps following me silently, like a shadow of things that might have been. I don't need such reminders.
I still wish I could do a better job of this breakup - a way that wouldn't hurt Yohji so much. But I don't think he'd understand anything else. He wouldn't understand it was - over, unless I was abrupt about it. Just like I did it.
The thing is, do I really want it to be over?
But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I feel. I have to keep Yohji safe from me. I have to make sure he can't hurt me. I have to be sure I can't be hurt ny him being hurt.
I pick up the shampoo and open it. I squeeze some of the clear gel out of the bottle into my hand, and start to rub it into my scalp. I try to wash away my thoughts of Yohji along with the day's dust, but it doesn't work. My hands in my hair become his in my mind - but before I let that get too far I reach out and twist the dial to cold. That taken care of, I switch the dial back to warm, and grab the soap. Ken picked it out instead of Omi, so it's awful stuff - feels rough on the skin and dries it out too. That definitely doesn't remind me of Yohji - his touch is always smooth.
Done washing, I turn the shower off and pull the curtain back - to see Yohji leaning up on the sink waiting for me. He's sitting on my towel too.
I scowl at him. Here I am, dripping wet, beginning to freeze from the air, and I can't even dry off. He's not even noticing my scowl, too busy noticing the rest of me. I'm glad he thinks I look good - but he shouldn't be noticing htat. He shouldn't even be in here. I would pull the shower curtain around myself, but that would mean he would notice I don't like him looking at me. So I stand there, naked, wet, cold and frowning, while Yohji continues to - *leer* at me.
"What do you want?" I ask him finally. His eyes snap up to my face, and he has the manners to look away guiltily.
"I wanted to talk to you," Yohji says. He hands me my towel, which I wrap around myself without a word. "You keep avoiding me, so I figured this would be the best way to get your attention."
"You have achieved your goal," I say testily.
"Aya - just tell me what I did," Yohji says suddenly, and he's almost begging. "Tell me what I did that you didn't like, and tell me how I can make it better. Just - please, Aya? Give me a second chance. I don't care what I have to do, but... I - I love you, Aya! I need you. Please tell me what I can do to get you back."
He looks so pleading, so pitiful. I wish I could tell him why - but I can't. I can't. I can't explain to him that I don't want him to be hurt. I don't want him to know that I am afraid. "I can't," I tell him, and I sould as hurt as he does. "I can't do that, Yohji." I harden myself to the look of pain open on his face, and step out of the shower. "Now leave me alone." I walk past him, and stalk down the hall to get dressed. I hear his voice call to me.
"This is hurting you too. Why are you still doing it?"
"Because I have to." I walk into my room, and close my door on him - and the life he can give me.
~~~
I hear the water running un the bathroom and slip in, leaning against the sink. There's only one person tall enough and lean enough to make that silhouette, and that's my Aya. No, not my Aya, not any more. But he's still absolutely gorgeous, even when I can only see the lines of his body.
He reaches out for the shampoo - we keep the soap higher - and starts washing his hair, and then his silhouette changes a bit. I'd love to know what he's thinking about to cause that. But then he reaches out and twists the dial to cold, and I am denied the sight of Aya aroused and replaced instead with the vision of Aya shivering from the cold. I would like to slip in there with him and warm him up - but no. I have obviously been going without sex for way too long - or maybe just Aya. In any case, I need to do something to get that sort of thoughts out of my head.
Aya's scrubbing now, hands all over his body - and gods I wish they were my hands, I wish I could touch him like he likes, I wish I could love him like he deserves. But he won't let me. Why not?
That's what's in my mind when Aya pulls the shower curtain back, but not for long. He's wet and dripping and glorious, every inch of him. I've only seen him like this once, and it was dark. I can actually see him now, and he's gorgeous. He's got a bullet scar on one shoulder, but aside from that he's perfect. His skin is white - like solid moonlight. His muscles are perfectly toned, down to the last tendon - that is, everything I can see. The small patch of curls hides a few, but I'm willing to bet they are too. His cock is almost enough to put him to shame - not quite, I'm still bigger - and his legs are just as toned as the rest of him, and long enough to give my eyes room to travel. He's - perfect.
"What do you want?" I hear him ask. I look up to his face, and his scowl is more than enough to cool me down. I look away from his body, ashamed of myself. I could have sworn I had a little more self-control than that.
"I wanted to talk to you," I tell him. I hand him his towel, and he wraps it around himself without looking down once. "You keep avoiding me, so I figured this would be the best way to get your attention."
"You have achieved your goal," he says dryly.
The past week builds up on me. I snap, and suddenly I'm... begging. "Aya, just tell me what to do. Tell me what I did that you didn't like, and tell me how I can make it better. Just - please, Aya? Give me a second chance. I don't care what I have to do, but... I - I love you, Aya! I need you. Please tell me what I can do to get you back." Gods, don't I have any dignity? Apparently not. But I've been willing to do anything for Aya for a while.
He looks at me, and he looks... pained. "I can't," he answers finally. "I can't do that, Yohji." Suddenly he's ice. "Now leave me alone." He walks past me and starts down the hall.
This is hurting him as much as it hurts me. I can handle being in pain, but if Aya is hurting... I can't stand Aya hurting. "This is hurting you too," I call after him. "Why are you still doing it?"
"Because I have to!" he yells back. He shuts his door, hiding from me, my questions, and my love.
~~~
TBC
~~~
I know it's been forever, but I'm grounded from the computer for bringing home a 3.0 (I know, crazy) so it'll be a WHILE in between chapters now. Continue to let me know what you think, and the next... let me see... 5 chapters should be up relatively soon as I already have them in hard copy. The part that takes a long time to type is the author's notes, really. I'm thinking about doing away with them altogether, as no one appreciates them.
Anyway, this is the longest chapter so far. It probably says about the same though. I hope you like it. Oh, I noticed an absence of disclaimers in my third chapter, so the first one goes for all of the chapters except for two, which has its own.
This chapter is dedicated to Chibi Yaoi Tenshi, my soul-sister, my missing half, and my all-around buddy. Thank you for understanding me, for putting up with me, for never hesitating to tell me what you think, and for letting me do the same for you. You depend on me without stifling me, and I hope I don't stifle you ^^ Please don't ever change any more than you have to.
Okay, that's that. On to the story.
~~~
Nanashi
ch 4- Because I Have To
~~~
I stand under the water beating down, warm and soothing, relaxing my sore muscles. I overstrained myself last time I went to the dojo. I am an expert swordsman, but more than four hours will make even me hurt. I'm taking especially long today - maybe I can use up all the hot water before Yohji gets in. I'm annoyed with him right now; he keeps following me silently, like a shadow of things that might have been. I don't need such reminders.
I still wish I could do a better job of this breakup - a way that wouldn't hurt Yohji so much. But I don't think he'd understand anything else. He wouldn't understand it was - over, unless I was abrupt about it. Just like I did it.
The thing is, do I really want it to be over?
But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I feel. I have to keep Yohji safe from me. I have to make sure he can't hurt me. I have to be sure I can't be hurt ny him being hurt.
I pick up the shampoo and open it. I squeeze some of the clear gel out of the bottle into my hand, and start to rub it into my scalp. I try to wash away my thoughts of Yohji along with the day's dust, but it doesn't work. My hands in my hair become his in my mind - but before I let that get too far I reach out and twist the dial to cold. That taken care of, I switch the dial back to warm, and grab the soap. Ken picked it out instead of Omi, so it's awful stuff - feels rough on the skin and dries it out too. That definitely doesn't remind me of Yohji - his touch is always smooth.
Done washing, I turn the shower off and pull the curtain back - to see Yohji leaning up on the sink waiting for me. He's sitting on my towel too.
I scowl at him. Here I am, dripping wet, beginning to freeze from the air, and I can't even dry off. He's not even noticing my scowl, too busy noticing the rest of me. I'm glad he thinks I look good - but he shouldn't be noticing htat. He shouldn't even be in here. I would pull the shower curtain around myself, but that would mean he would notice I don't like him looking at me. So I stand there, naked, wet, cold and frowning, while Yohji continues to - *leer* at me.
"What do you want?" I ask him finally. His eyes snap up to my face, and he has the manners to look away guiltily.
"I wanted to talk to you," Yohji says. He hands me my towel, which I wrap around myself without a word. "You keep avoiding me, so I figured this would be the best way to get your attention."
"You have achieved your goal," I say testily.
"Aya - just tell me what I did," Yohji says suddenly, and he's almost begging. "Tell me what I did that you didn't like, and tell me how I can make it better. Just - please, Aya? Give me a second chance. I don't care what I have to do, but... I - I love you, Aya! I need you. Please tell me what I can do to get you back."
He looks so pleading, so pitiful. I wish I could tell him why - but I can't. I can't. I can't explain to him that I don't want him to be hurt. I don't want him to know that I am afraid. "I can't," I tell him, and I sould as hurt as he does. "I can't do that, Yohji." I harden myself to the look of pain open on his face, and step out of the shower. "Now leave me alone." I walk past him, and stalk down the hall to get dressed. I hear his voice call to me.
"This is hurting you too. Why are you still doing it?"
"Because I have to." I walk into my room, and close my door on him - and the life he can give me.
~~~
I hear the water running un the bathroom and slip in, leaning against the sink. There's only one person tall enough and lean enough to make that silhouette, and that's my Aya. No, not my Aya, not any more. But he's still absolutely gorgeous, even when I can only see the lines of his body.
He reaches out for the shampoo - we keep the soap higher - and starts washing his hair, and then his silhouette changes a bit. I'd love to know what he's thinking about to cause that. But then he reaches out and twists the dial to cold, and I am denied the sight of Aya aroused and replaced instead with the vision of Aya shivering from the cold. I would like to slip in there with him and warm him up - but no. I have obviously been going without sex for way too long - or maybe just Aya. In any case, I need to do something to get that sort of thoughts out of my head.
Aya's scrubbing now, hands all over his body - and gods I wish they were my hands, I wish I could touch him like he likes, I wish I could love him like he deserves. But he won't let me. Why not?
That's what's in my mind when Aya pulls the shower curtain back, but not for long. He's wet and dripping and glorious, every inch of him. I've only seen him like this once, and it was dark. I can actually see him now, and he's gorgeous. He's got a bullet scar on one shoulder, but aside from that he's perfect. His skin is white - like solid moonlight. His muscles are perfectly toned, down to the last tendon - that is, everything I can see. The small patch of curls hides a few, but I'm willing to bet they are too. His cock is almost enough to put him to shame - not quite, I'm still bigger - and his legs are just as toned as the rest of him, and long enough to give my eyes room to travel. He's - perfect.
"What do you want?" I hear him ask. I look up to his face, and his scowl is more than enough to cool me down. I look away from his body, ashamed of myself. I could have sworn I had a little more self-control than that.
"I wanted to talk to you," I tell him. I hand him his towel, and he wraps it around himself without looking down once. "You keep avoiding me, so I figured this would be the best way to get your attention."
"You have achieved your goal," he says dryly.
The past week builds up on me. I snap, and suddenly I'm... begging. "Aya, just tell me what to do. Tell me what I did that you didn't like, and tell me how I can make it better. Just - please, Aya? Give me a second chance. I don't care what I have to do, but... I - I love you, Aya! I need you. Please tell me what I can do to get you back." Gods, don't I have any dignity? Apparently not. But I've been willing to do anything for Aya for a while.
He looks at me, and he looks... pained. "I can't," he answers finally. "I can't do that, Yohji." Suddenly he's ice. "Now leave me alone." He walks past me and starts down the hall.
This is hurting him as much as it hurts me. I can handle being in pain, but if Aya is hurting... I can't stand Aya hurting. "This is hurting you too," I call after him. "Why are you still doing it?"
"Because I have to!" he yells back. He shuts his door, hiding from me, my questions, and my love.
~~~
TBC
~~~
I know it's been forever, but I'm grounded from the computer for bringing home a 3.0 (I know, crazy) so it'll be a WHILE in between chapters now. Continue to let me know what you think, and the next... let me see... 5 chapters should be up relatively soon as I already have them in hard copy. The part that takes a long time to type is the author's notes, really. I'm thinking about doing away with them altogether, as no one appreciates them.