Okay, people. Here it is. The next chapter. ^^ Don't you all just love me. You do know, of course, I have the entire rest of the story on hard copy? I have to type it and post it. I'm doing it slowly, though, because the sequel is giving me problems.
I need you people's help with the title!!!!!! START SUGGESTING SOME TITLES FOR ME!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As promised.... *drags Yohji out into the open* Dragonflyred7? You around?
Dragonflyred7: Right here!!!!! Oooh! Oooh! Do I really get to keep him?
Pickles: He's all yours. *shoves a stoned Yohji at Dragonflyred7* See if YOU can keep his mind off of what he's got between his legs.
Yohji: C'mon, baby, let's go someplace private...... *falls asleep*
Pickles: See what I mean?
Okay, so the literary pet thing isn't working out so well.... I do still have six options though.... Let's see.... Aya was too uppity, so Crawfie definitely won't work..... and I definitely don't want Farf (last resort)..... Schu is bound to be as bad as Yohji was..... Umm...... I think it's between Nagi and Ken. Nagi or Ken, Nagi or Ken......
Moonflower: NAGI!!!!!!
Pickles: Thank you, Moonflower. You made your point. All right..... *waves magic non-gel pen*
*Nagi appears, almost lands flat on his ass, catches himself with his powers, and stands up* You. I know you. You refuse to pair me with anyone but Omi.
Pickles: Shush! That's the other story line. You know better.
Nagi: So I do. *shrugs*
Pickles: Besides, at least I don't make you be his uke.
Nagi: I LIKE being uke. But there's absolutely no way Omi would do a good job of being seme, can't you hook me up with Schu, or better yet, Crawford.....
Pickles: EWW!!!! NO!!!!! PEDOPHILIA!!!!!!!!
Nagi: So? You think they'd mind?
Pickles: Actually, in my book, Bradley probably would mind. I think he's most likely to win the "Straight Guy" award. Out of the eight of you, that is....
*Crawford appears*
Crawford: You think I'm straight? *pulls Schuldich out of nowhere and kisses him dizzyingly* You called me Bradley? Either offense by itself is minor enough, but together..... you must die!!!! *loads his gun*
Pickles: Eep!
Schuldich: Wow... what did I do to deserve that.... I'll keep it up if you tell me....
Crawford: I'll tell you in a minute, Schu. For now.... *takes aim at Pickles*
Pickles: Meep! Floof save me!!!!!!
Credits go to..... my dog. Because my dog is a sweetheart, and he doesn't bark at everyone I know, like everybody else's dog does..... Thank you, Snickers. (I didn't name him, I promise.)
What? I felt like doing something different with my credits!!
Crawford: Those had better be your last words.
*Pickles waves magic non-gel pen frantically, causing Crawford and Schu to disappear* Whew! Now that that's over... Here's chapter eleven.
~~~
Nanashi- ch11
Decisions
~~~
He's so beautiful.
That's what I think as I watch him sleep.
When he's awake he's beautiful too, of course, but now - now he's beautiful in a different way. Moonlight gilding his tan skin, giving his golden hair a white cast, he looks like an angel waiting to be awakened to do some great work. Not that I believe in all that, or even used to, but he's almost enough to make me believe it.
His face in sleep is innocent, occasionally twitsed in nightmares of things he's done or seen. But generally he's got a childlike quality to him in sleep, so different from when he's awake, when he's got a mask hiding all his old scars. I should know. I've spent enough time watching him.
I've snuck into his room the past three nights just to watch him sleep.
I don't even know why I did it the first time. I just wanted to be close to him, I guess. But I was struck by how perfect he is. I wanted more of this amazing perfection. So here I am. Again.
His breathing hitches, and I watch him anxiously. If it's a wet dream, I'd better leave, but if it's a nightmare, maybe I can get him into an easier sleep. His face twists in what is unmistakably fear, and he cries out. "No!"
I lay a hand on his shoulder gently, the other on his chest. He calms slowly, and his breathing evens out. I smooth his brow back into the quiet innocence. He looks so... perfect. Even now.
My eyelids are heavy, though, and I cannot stay much longer. Even a white hunter needs his sleep. I bend and kiss his forehead gently. "I love you," I whisper to him.
I... what?
No, I don't. That would be pointless. Yohji loves Aya. He'll never love me.
I lust after him, that's what I do. He is that beautiful, after all, that is quite possible. I don't want him with my heart. I want him with my libido. I don't love him. He's my friend, and he's gorgeous. All I want is a friends with benefits situation. I don't want him as a lover.
But... I do. I do love him. Why else would I go to such lengths to take care of him? Why would I try so hard just to see him smile again, if he was only my friend? Why would I do that?
I love him anyway.
I walk to his door, and turn to look at him one last time. "I hope one day you can be happy again," I say to him gently. He deserves it.
~~~
My eyes pop open. I was halfway asleep when Ken kissed my forehead, but I was definitely awake by the time he finished saying he loves me.
Why does he love me? He's got to know I love Aya.
But...
I feel ready to give up on Aya. It's been more than two months since Birman told us what happened, since we all tried to say something to him. That makes it more than four months since he left, and five months since he broke up with me. He still hasn't come back.
I'd go to him, but I don't know where he is. I still hope Aya comes back. But I also recognize the likelihood of that is extremely slim.
I'll always love Aya.
But Aya doesn't want me.
Ken loves me. I should have sen it before, really - the way he always took care of me, cheered me up when I was down, put me to bed when I was plastered, made sure I ate - all of it put together positively screams it. I guess I was just so preoccupied with being miserable that I didn't notice.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Ken is really nice. He's cute, maybe even a little handsome, something I'm not. He loves me. He's funny, he does unexpected things. He takes care of me. He's got an ungodly amount of patience. He makes sure everbody's happy before he looks to his own happiness. He's not perfect, but he is everything a person really needs to be lovable.
But he's not Aya.
I could never love him the way I love Aya. But maybe... maybe I could love him in a different way.
He deserves for me to try.
But I don't want to hurt him.
It seems I have a choice to make.
Ken... who I don't feel so strongly for... or Aya... who owns every last bit of my soul, I love him so much?
Ken, who I know will stay with me forever, or Aya, who's already proven he might not do that?
Ken, who is here right now, or Aya, who might never came back?
Ken? Or Aya?
~~~
This is weird.
Yohji's been staring at me from across the table the entire time we've been eating breakfast. Omi's gone - went to a "friend's" house to spend the night - so there's no one to fill up this horribly loud silence for us with happy, meaningless chatter. I'm having at full-out breakfast like I always do - sausage, eggs, toast, and juice - while Yohji has his usual fare of cold pizza. We've spent the entire meal not talking to each other. I'm not looking at him, and he's constantly looking at me. He's really disconcerting me.
Finally I look up at him. "What in the hell is your problem today?" I ask him. He just stares at me. "What in the *fuck* are you staring at me for?" I say loudly.
"Were you in my room last night?" he asks me quietly.
I lose all my energy. I look away from him. I can feel heat rising to my cheeks. "Maybe," I admit.
"And did you say you loved me while you were there?" he continues, still quietly.
"Yes," I say again, turning even redder. If he has to be asking me this, I could at least answer him without blushing. I hate my body. "I do."
"Why?" he asks me. "You know I can't possibly return it full-force."
I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe because you needed to be loved. Maybe because I needed to love somebody. I don't think the reason really matters." I look at him. "And I know you can't love me the way you love Aya. I'm not asking you to." My voice gets quiet. "I'm not asking you to love me at all." I look away from him. "But it sure would be nice," I add to myself.
He shifts hin his chair uneasily. "I - look, Kenken, this is hard for me. I'm trying to say something here."
I look up at him. "If it's bad, tell me now."
"It's not bad," he says to me. "Or at least - I don't think it is. I - think you're really a pretty good guy, and you're so much more than that too. I think you'd really be worth everything I could give you. But you have to understand I couldn't give you everything. I don't have everyhing anymore." He sounds sorry about it, and I know he is somehow. But it's not his fault. It's not his fault Aya ran away with everything he had, and left him with broken shards.
"I know," I say to him. "But I don't want to make you do anything."
"You wouldn't be," he says, shaking his head. "I - want this. I really do. I want to know that I can make something work." His green eyes plead with me, beg me to say yes, and even though I was going to say it anyway, I'm suddenly struck with the overpowering urge to do so *now*.
"Do you honestly think I could make you happy?" I ask him slowly. "Would you really be willing to try?"
"Ken, just asking says I'm willing to try," he says to me, voice tinged with desperation. "And I honestly think you could make me as happy as anyone else ever could at this point."
I nod slowly. "All right then. We'll try."
He sags with relieve into his chair. "Thank you, Kenken."
I scowl at him. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate being called Kenken?"
~~~
I watch Ken as he wolfs down his breakfast. Not to watch the way he eats - I noticed that years agao. But I watch him to - reassess is the best word for it, I guess - his physical merits. His perpetually messy brown hair has decided to flatten itself to his head today, so it hangs over into chocolate brown eyes that have a warmth to them Aya could never affect. He's got this cute snub nose that works for him perfectly, and his lips, generally smiling but eating at the moment, are full and look soft. His sun-darkened skin has a healthy glow to it. He's sort of on the short side - but not enough to make a huge difference if I kissed him. He's heavily muscled where Aya was strong in a lean, lithe sort of way. Ken certainly doesn't have Aya's exotic beauty, but he's the perfect Boy Next Door.
His head snaps up, and he looks annoyed with me. "What in the hell is your problem today?" he asks me. My eyes widen. What? "What in the *fuck* are you staring at me for?" he says, irritated.
Oh. That. I guess I might as well tell him. "Were you in my room last night?" I ask him. Quietly, so as not to scare him off.
He blushes - it's... cute - and looks away. "Maybe," he admits.
"And did you say you loved me while you were there?" I ask, ignoring his discomfort. "Yes," he says, positively glowing at this point. I stifle a laugh at how cute it is. "I do."
"Why?" I ask him. I honestly don't see why anyone would bother caring about me. Especially when I can't care about them in the same way. "You know I can't return it full force."
He shrugs in a careless manner. "I don't know. Maybe because you needed to be loved. Maybe because I needed to love somebody. I don't think the reason really matters." He looks at me, and his warm brown eyes are understanding in a sad sort of way. "And I know you can't love me the way you love Aya. I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to love me at all." He looks away from me again. "But it sure would be nice," he adds bitterly.
I fidget. Can't he see I want to? "I-" I start. I notice he's still not looking at me. "Look, Kenken, this is hard for me. I'm trying to say something here."
He looks at me cautiously. "If it's bad, tell me now."
"It's not bad," I tell him. "At least, I don't think it is. I - I think you're really a pretty good guy, and you're so much more than that too." Way to go, Kudo. Wonderful way to tell him how much he *really* means to you. "I think you'd really be worth everything I could give you. But you have to understand I couldn't give you everything. I don't have everything anymore." There. I think that sums it up nicely.
"I know," he says to me gently. "But I don't want to make you do anything."
He can't say no. I need to know this can work! "You wouldn't be. I - want this. I really do. I want to know that I an make something work." I'm trying to be calm, but it's not working.
He thinks for a second. "Do you honestly think I could make you happy?" he asks me. "Would you be willing to try?"
"Ken, just asking say I'm willing to try," I say desperately. "And I honestly think you could make me as happy as anyone else ever could at this point." Ken has to say yes.
He nods slowly. "All right then. We'll try."
I slump back into my chair, relieved. "Thank you, Kenken."
He frowns at me, and says something that will forever strike me as the funniest thing he's ever said. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate being called Kenken?"
~~~
Nagi: You could pair me with Ken, you know.
Pickles: Now you two would be cute together.... But do you honestly think you could stand the perpetual happiness?
Nagi: You think Omi is any better?
Pickles: You do have a point....
Nagi: Come on, I'm tired. Schu and Crawford kept me up last night being so loud.
Pickles: So lay down.
Nagi: Not in front of all the readers.
Pickles: Never thought you'd be modest. It's cute.
But addressing you people... REVIEWS!!!!!!! This is a longer chapter. More reviews, please!
I need you people's help with the title!!!!!! START SUGGESTING SOME TITLES FOR ME!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As promised.... *drags Yohji out into the open* Dragonflyred7? You around?
Dragonflyred7: Right here!!!!! Oooh! Oooh! Do I really get to keep him?
Pickles: He's all yours. *shoves a stoned Yohji at Dragonflyred7* See if YOU can keep his mind off of what he's got between his legs.
Yohji: C'mon, baby, let's go someplace private...... *falls asleep*
Pickles: See what I mean?
Okay, so the literary pet thing isn't working out so well.... I do still have six options though.... Let's see.... Aya was too uppity, so Crawfie definitely won't work..... and I definitely don't want Farf (last resort)..... Schu is bound to be as bad as Yohji was..... Umm...... I think it's between Nagi and Ken. Nagi or Ken, Nagi or Ken......
Moonflower: NAGI!!!!!!
Pickles: Thank you, Moonflower. You made your point. All right..... *waves magic non-gel pen*
*Nagi appears, almost lands flat on his ass, catches himself with his powers, and stands up* You. I know you. You refuse to pair me with anyone but Omi.
Pickles: Shush! That's the other story line. You know better.
Nagi: So I do. *shrugs*
Pickles: Besides, at least I don't make you be his uke.
Nagi: I LIKE being uke. But there's absolutely no way Omi would do a good job of being seme, can't you hook me up with Schu, or better yet, Crawford.....
Pickles: EWW!!!! NO!!!!! PEDOPHILIA!!!!!!!!
Nagi: So? You think they'd mind?
Pickles: Actually, in my book, Bradley probably would mind. I think he's most likely to win the "Straight Guy" award. Out of the eight of you, that is....
*Crawford appears*
Crawford: You think I'm straight? *pulls Schuldich out of nowhere and kisses him dizzyingly* You called me Bradley? Either offense by itself is minor enough, but together..... you must die!!!! *loads his gun*
Pickles: Eep!
Schuldich: Wow... what did I do to deserve that.... I'll keep it up if you tell me....
Crawford: I'll tell you in a minute, Schu. For now.... *takes aim at Pickles*
Pickles: Meep! Floof save me!!!!!!
Credits go to..... my dog. Because my dog is a sweetheart, and he doesn't bark at everyone I know, like everybody else's dog does..... Thank you, Snickers. (I didn't name him, I promise.)
What? I felt like doing something different with my credits!!
Crawford: Those had better be your last words.
*Pickles waves magic non-gel pen frantically, causing Crawford and Schu to disappear* Whew! Now that that's over... Here's chapter eleven.
~~~
Nanashi- ch11
Decisions
~~~
He's so beautiful.
That's what I think as I watch him sleep.
When he's awake he's beautiful too, of course, but now - now he's beautiful in a different way. Moonlight gilding his tan skin, giving his golden hair a white cast, he looks like an angel waiting to be awakened to do some great work. Not that I believe in all that, or even used to, but he's almost enough to make me believe it.
His face in sleep is innocent, occasionally twitsed in nightmares of things he's done or seen. But generally he's got a childlike quality to him in sleep, so different from when he's awake, when he's got a mask hiding all his old scars. I should know. I've spent enough time watching him.
I've snuck into his room the past three nights just to watch him sleep.
I don't even know why I did it the first time. I just wanted to be close to him, I guess. But I was struck by how perfect he is. I wanted more of this amazing perfection. So here I am. Again.
His breathing hitches, and I watch him anxiously. If it's a wet dream, I'd better leave, but if it's a nightmare, maybe I can get him into an easier sleep. His face twists in what is unmistakably fear, and he cries out. "No!"
I lay a hand on his shoulder gently, the other on his chest. He calms slowly, and his breathing evens out. I smooth his brow back into the quiet innocence. He looks so... perfect. Even now.
My eyelids are heavy, though, and I cannot stay much longer. Even a white hunter needs his sleep. I bend and kiss his forehead gently. "I love you," I whisper to him.
I... what?
No, I don't. That would be pointless. Yohji loves Aya. He'll never love me.
I lust after him, that's what I do. He is that beautiful, after all, that is quite possible. I don't want him with my heart. I want him with my libido. I don't love him. He's my friend, and he's gorgeous. All I want is a friends with benefits situation. I don't want him as a lover.
But... I do. I do love him. Why else would I go to such lengths to take care of him? Why would I try so hard just to see him smile again, if he was only my friend? Why would I do that?
I love him anyway.
I walk to his door, and turn to look at him one last time. "I hope one day you can be happy again," I say to him gently. He deserves it.
~~~
My eyes pop open. I was halfway asleep when Ken kissed my forehead, but I was definitely awake by the time he finished saying he loves me.
Why does he love me? He's got to know I love Aya.
But...
I feel ready to give up on Aya. It's been more than two months since Birman told us what happened, since we all tried to say something to him. That makes it more than four months since he left, and five months since he broke up with me. He still hasn't come back.
I'd go to him, but I don't know where he is. I still hope Aya comes back. But I also recognize the likelihood of that is extremely slim.
I'll always love Aya.
But Aya doesn't want me.
Ken loves me. I should have sen it before, really - the way he always took care of me, cheered me up when I was down, put me to bed when I was plastered, made sure I ate - all of it put together positively screams it. I guess I was just so preoccupied with being miserable that I didn't notice.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Ken is really nice. He's cute, maybe even a little handsome, something I'm not. He loves me. He's funny, he does unexpected things. He takes care of me. He's got an ungodly amount of patience. He makes sure everbody's happy before he looks to his own happiness. He's not perfect, but he is everything a person really needs to be lovable.
But he's not Aya.
I could never love him the way I love Aya. But maybe... maybe I could love him in a different way.
He deserves for me to try.
But I don't want to hurt him.
It seems I have a choice to make.
Ken... who I don't feel so strongly for... or Aya... who owns every last bit of my soul, I love him so much?
Ken, who I know will stay with me forever, or Aya, who's already proven he might not do that?
Ken, who is here right now, or Aya, who might never came back?
Ken? Or Aya?
~~~
This is weird.
Yohji's been staring at me from across the table the entire time we've been eating breakfast. Omi's gone - went to a "friend's" house to spend the night - so there's no one to fill up this horribly loud silence for us with happy, meaningless chatter. I'm having at full-out breakfast like I always do - sausage, eggs, toast, and juice - while Yohji has his usual fare of cold pizza. We've spent the entire meal not talking to each other. I'm not looking at him, and he's constantly looking at me. He's really disconcerting me.
Finally I look up at him. "What in the hell is your problem today?" I ask him. He just stares at me. "What in the *fuck* are you staring at me for?" I say loudly.
"Were you in my room last night?" he asks me quietly.
I lose all my energy. I look away from him. I can feel heat rising to my cheeks. "Maybe," I admit.
"And did you say you loved me while you were there?" he continues, still quietly.
"Yes," I say again, turning even redder. If he has to be asking me this, I could at least answer him without blushing. I hate my body. "I do."
"Why?" he asks me. "You know I can't possibly return it full-force."
I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe because you needed to be loved. Maybe because I needed to love somebody. I don't think the reason really matters." I look at him. "And I know you can't love me the way you love Aya. I'm not asking you to." My voice gets quiet. "I'm not asking you to love me at all." I look away from him. "But it sure would be nice," I add to myself.
He shifts hin his chair uneasily. "I - look, Kenken, this is hard for me. I'm trying to say something here."
I look up at him. "If it's bad, tell me now."
"It's not bad," he says to me. "Or at least - I don't think it is. I - think you're really a pretty good guy, and you're so much more than that too. I think you'd really be worth everything I could give you. But you have to understand I couldn't give you everything. I don't have everyhing anymore." He sounds sorry about it, and I know he is somehow. But it's not his fault. It's not his fault Aya ran away with everything he had, and left him with broken shards.
"I know," I say to him. "But I don't want to make you do anything."
"You wouldn't be," he says, shaking his head. "I - want this. I really do. I want to know that I can make something work." His green eyes plead with me, beg me to say yes, and even though I was going to say it anyway, I'm suddenly struck with the overpowering urge to do so *now*.
"Do you honestly think I could make you happy?" I ask him slowly. "Would you really be willing to try?"
"Ken, just asking says I'm willing to try," he says to me, voice tinged with desperation. "And I honestly think you could make me as happy as anyone else ever could at this point."
I nod slowly. "All right then. We'll try."
He sags with relieve into his chair. "Thank you, Kenken."
I scowl at him. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate being called Kenken?"
~~~
I watch Ken as he wolfs down his breakfast. Not to watch the way he eats - I noticed that years agao. But I watch him to - reassess is the best word for it, I guess - his physical merits. His perpetually messy brown hair has decided to flatten itself to his head today, so it hangs over into chocolate brown eyes that have a warmth to them Aya could never affect. He's got this cute snub nose that works for him perfectly, and his lips, generally smiling but eating at the moment, are full and look soft. His sun-darkened skin has a healthy glow to it. He's sort of on the short side - but not enough to make a huge difference if I kissed him. He's heavily muscled where Aya was strong in a lean, lithe sort of way. Ken certainly doesn't have Aya's exotic beauty, but he's the perfect Boy Next Door.
His head snaps up, and he looks annoyed with me. "What in the hell is your problem today?" he asks me. My eyes widen. What? "What in the *fuck* are you staring at me for?" he says, irritated.
Oh. That. I guess I might as well tell him. "Were you in my room last night?" I ask him. Quietly, so as not to scare him off.
He blushes - it's... cute - and looks away. "Maybe," he admits.
"And did you say you loved me while you were there?" I ask, ignoring his discomfort. "Yes," he says, positively glowing at this point. I stifle a laugh at how cute it is. "I do."
"Why?" I ask him. I honestly don't see why anyone would bother caring about me. Especially when I can't care about them in the same way. "You know I can't return it full force."
He shrugs in a careless manner. "I don't know. Maybe because you needed to be loved. Maybe because I needed to love somebody. I don't think the reason really matters." He looks at me, and his warm brown eyes are understanding in a sad sort of way. "And I know you can't love me the way you love Aya. I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to love me at all." He looks away from me again. "But it sure would be nice," he adds bitterly.
I fidget. Can't he see I want to? "I-" I start. I notice he's still not looking at me. "Look, Kenken, this is hard for me. I'm trying to say something here."
He looks at me cautiously. "If it's bad, tell me now."
"It's not bad," I tell him. "At least, I don't think it is. I - I think you're really a pretty good guy, and you're so much more than that too." Way to go, Kudo. Wonderful way to tell him how much he *really* means to you. "I think you'd really be worth everything I could give you. But you have to understand I couldn't give you everything. I don't have everything anymore." There. I think that sums it up nicely.
"I know," he says to me gently. "But I don't want to make you do anything."
He can't say no. I need to know this can work! "You wouldn't be. I - want this. I really do. I want to know that I an make something work." I'm trying to be calm, but it's not working.
He thinks for a second. "Do you honestly think I could make you happy?" he asks me. "Would you be willing to try?"
"Ken, just asking say I'm willing to try," I say desperately. "And I honestly think you could make me as happy as anyone else ever could at this point." Ken has to say yes.
He nods slowly. "All right then. We'll try."
I slump back into my chair, relieved. "Thank you, Kenken."
He frowns at me, and says something that will forever strike me as the funniest thing he's ever said. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate being called Kenken?"
~~~
Nagi: You could pair me with Ken, you know.
Pickles: Now you two would be cute together.... But do you honestly think you could stand the perpetual happiness?
Nagi: You think Omi is any better?
Pickles: You do have a point....
Nagi: Come on, I'm tired. Schu and Crawford kept me up last night being so loud.
Pickles: So lay down.
Nagi: Not in front of all the readers.
Pickles: Never thought you'd be modest. It's cute.
But addressing you people... REVIEWS!!!!!!! This is a longer chapter. More reviews, please!