::strokes Nagi's sleeping head affectionately:: Welcome to another episode of the Young and the Restless, folks - excuse me, the Young and the Restful. You have to be quiet today so as not to disturb my lovely pet. He IS adorable, and quite nice once you get past the whole "I kill for money" concept. I love him so. I think I'll keep this one.
Today's chapter is Aya-thought. No Aya-torture, aside from what he puts himself through. Nothing but Aya. No one else. At all. Just Aya, all alone with his thoughts. They are depressing ones, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
Dedications go to everyone who has ever given me a review. Double points to anyone who has sent me an email about it. If you do it for this chapter, I'll mention your name specifically in my next author's notes. It's rather fun, really. I like you people. I don't think you like me, but you do like my stuff enough to keep on coming back for more. I like the system, really: I write to get reviews, you review to get more chapters, I write to get more reviews, etc., etc., etc....
And of course, I give an honorary line to my dear Nagi-kins.
Did you ever think that I'm just a normal kid who has a slightly abnormal talent? That I might want to do normal things like go out with my friends? Make friends? Fall in love? Go on a date? Have someone who actually wants to date me who doesn't think of me as just jailbait? Because, Crawford, it sure doesn't feel like it.
::beams at still-sleeping Nagi:: Sorry, but someone had to say it for him. He needed it to be said, even if he wasn't the one who said it.
Anyway, chapter twelve.... What can I say about chapter twelve...
It's short?
Gomen, but the next chapter out there will be wonderful for all you Y/K fans. (I'm a Y/K fan myself... And Y/A... And Y/S... Hell, even Y/C... Yohji can sleep with everyone!!!!)
Nanashi - ch12
Fear
They let me out today.
I've been dying to roll off of my stomach for ages. I'm sure I've been well enough to do it for ages now. But the last time I tried, Aiko caught me and threatened to strap me down to the bed. I didn't want that, so I behaved. But I'm not using so many of my muscles that I'm sure I'm losing all my tone. I barely even felt a twinge.
They let me sit up so I could have a psychiatrist in to see me.
I'm not crazy. Why right do they have to bring in that sort of doctor when I'm perfectly sane? Well, not exactly perfectly sane. There is the fact that I kill for a living. Plus the matter of my fear - but that decreases every time I see Doctor Nguyen. I'm almost not scared of him at all anymore.
She - the psychiatrist - told me it was because I trust him.
I laughed. I don't trust anyone, I told her. Bring it on. Get another man in here and I'll show you I'm not scared.
So she did.
And I was wrong - I am still scared. I'm terrified. I was paralyzed, barely able to answer her when she asked me if I wanted him to leave.
But she asked me if I was as scared of him as I was of Doctor Nguyen, and I said I didn't know, so we tried it again - and incredibly, amazingly, I was just a tiny bit less scared that time. Not a lot, but enough to make a barely noticeable difference.
She said we would do it again tomorrow. Every day. Until I thought it was gone.
She said the fear would always be there, in the back of my mind, and that if I was "homosexual," I would be best off with a "partner" I already trusted.
She also said that I should start looking at myself in the mirror. Every day. For at least five minutes. I asked her what all this was about. She said that it would help me reacclimate myself with the male body, and I would feel more comfortable with it.
I don't even look down when I go to the bathroom anymore. I don't want to know what's there. I don't want to know that I have the capability to hurt somebody the way I was hurt. And yet I know I won't be able to change it, change the fact that I am one of them, change the fact that I could hurt someone as much as, possibly even more than, he hurt me. I suppose I might as well.
I don't even think his name anymore. My mortal enemy, whom I know I will most likely have to discuss at some point or another, and I don't even think about his name.
She says that's all right. She says that that is one of the few defense mechanisms I have in place that isn't detrimental to my mental state.
I've had a lot of time to think about Yohji and what I did. How much I must have hurt him by running away like I did. And why I did it.
I was disgusted to find yet more fear. Fear of rejection, fear of the relationship falling apart, fear my love would hurt Yohji, fear Yohji would hurt me. Looking back, leaving Yohji was the stupidest, most irrational thing I've ever done. But hindsight is always 20/20, they say.
That fear caused me to destroy my life.
Which is why I have to overcome this one. I will not let fear destroy me again.
But Yohji really cared about me. And I do love him. I owe him at least an explanation and an apology. And more than that, if he wants it. I will give it to him.
I have to go back and tell him.
That is, as soon as they let me out of this infernal bed.
But now I have another fear.
I'm afraid that this fear extends to Yohji, and that I'll be as afraid of him as I am of everyone else. But how can I be afraid of someone I love? If I really love him, won't that negate it?
But then I dig up that fear - small, because it never had anything to feed on - that Yohji started this relationship with me just to hurt me, and I know I will be afraid of him.
Please, whatever divine being is out there, help me get past it.
::Nagi stares at the words::
Nagi: You really enjoy playing with our psyches, don't you? ::yawns kittenishly::
Pickles: Of course I do. You would all be a psychiatrist's field day. Especially you, Nagi-chan. ::scratches under Nagi's chin::
Nagi: purr... What makes you say that?
Pickles: Crawford. Slap. "Remember hate." Flashback. Need I say more?
Nagi: Oh, yeah... I remember that episode... look, you do realize that offscreen we've never done any of that, and we all just like to sleep together, right?
Pickles: Of course I do. Just look at all the fanfics around you. ::points at numerous PWP's:: But I don't write those. However, due to the ending, this entire series of fics must be classified as AU if you are going to read the sequel.
LiNa: Stop talking about the sequel until you post it, damn you!
Pickles: Be quiet. Pyro kitten...
Wehall, what can I say, aside from... REVIEW!!!!!! Let me know exactly what you think of me wreaking havoc on the boys.
Oh, and a side note. Read Bound In Blood by David something-or-other Lord. I know none of you have a problem with gay people. Well, his book is about gay VAMPIRES!!!! Sexy. Order it for your local library. Oooh, I get chills just thinking about it.
And once again... REVIEW!!!! Let me know what you think of my literary taste.
Today's chapter is Aya-thought. No Aya-torture, aside from what he puts himself through. Nothing but Aya. No one else. At all. Just Aya, all alone with his thoughts. They are depressing ones, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
Dedications go to everyone who has ever given me a review. Double points to anyone who has sent me an email about it. If you do it for this chapter, I'll mention your name specifically in my next author's notes. It's rather fun, really. I like you people. I don't think you like me, but you do like my stuff enough to keep on coming back for more. I like the system, really: I write to get reviews, you review to get more chapters, I write to get more reviews, etc., etc., etc....
And of course, I give an honorary line to my dear Nagi-kins.
Did you ever think that I'm just a normal kid who has a slightly abnormal talent? That I might want to do normal things like go out with my friends? Make friends? Fall in love? Go on a date? Have someone who actually wants to date me who doesn't think of me as just jailbait? Because, Crawford, it sure doesn't feel like it.
::beams at still-sleeping Nagi:: Sorry, but someone had to say it for him. He needed it to be said, even if he wasn't the one who said it.
Anyway, chapter twelve.... What can I say about chapter twelve...
It's short?
Gomen, but the next chapter out there will be wonderful for all you Y/K fans. (I'm a Y/K fan myself... And Y/A... And Y/S... Hell, even Y/C... Yohji can sleep with everyone!!!!)
Nanashi - ch12
Fear
They let me out today.
I've been dying to roll off of my stomach for ages. I'm sure I've been well enough to do it for ages now. But the last time I tried, Aiko caught me and threatened to strap me down to the bed. I didn't want that, so I behaved. But I'm not using so many of my muscles that I'm sure I'm losing all my tone. I barely even felt a twinge.
They let me sit up so I could have a psychiatrist in to see me.
I'm not crazy. Why right do they have to bring in that sort of doctor when I'm perfectly sane? Well, not exactly perfectly sane. There is the fact that I kill for a living. Plus the matter of my fear - but that decreases every time I see Doctor Nguyen. I'm almost not scared of him at all anymore.
She - the psychiatrist - told me it was because I trust him.
I laughed. I don't trust anyone, I told her. Bring it on. Get another man in here and I'll show you I'm not scared.
So she did.
And I was wrong - I am still scared. I'm terrified. I was paralyzed, barely able to answer her when she asked me if I wanted him to leave.
But she asked me if I was as scared of him as I was of Doctor Nguyen, and I said I didn't know, so we tried it again - and incredibly, amazingly, I was just a tiny bit less scared that time. Not a lot, but enough to make a barely noticeable difference.
She said we would do it again tomorrow. Every day. Until I thought it was gone.
She said the fear would always be there, in the back of my mind, and that if I was "homosexual," I would be best off with a "partner" I already trusted.
She also said that I should start looking at myself in the mirror. Every day. For at least five minutes. I asked her what all this was about. She said that it would help me reacclimate myself with the male body, and I would feel more comfortable with it.
I don't even look down when I go to the bathroom anymore. I don't want to know what's there. I don't want to know that I have the capability to hurt somebody the way I was hurt. And yet I know I won't be able to change it, change the fact that I am one of them, change the fact that I could hurt someone as much as, possibly even more than, he hurt me. I suppose I might as well.
I don't even think his name anymore. My mortal enemy, whom I know I will most likely have to discuss at some point or another, and I don't even think about his name.
She says that's all right. She says that that is one of the few defense mechanisms I have in place that isn't detrimental to my mental state.
I've had a lot of time to think about Yohji and what I did. How much I must have hurt him by running away like I did. And why I did it.
I was disgusted to find yet more fear. Fear of rejection, fear of the relationship falling apart, fear my love would hurt Yohji, fear Yohji would hurt me. Looking back, leaving Yohji was the stupidest, most irrational thing I've ever done. But hindsight is always 20/20, they say.
That fear caused me to destroy my life.
Which is why I have to overcome this one. I will not let fear destroy me again.
But Yohji really cared about me. And I do love him. I owe him at least an explanation and an apology. And more than that, if he wants it. I will give it to him.
I have to go back and tell him.
That is, as soon as they let me out of this infernal bed.
But now I have another fear.
I'm afraid that this fear extends to Yohji, and that I'll be as afraid of him as I am of everyone else. But how can I be afraid of someone I love? If I really love him, won't that negate it?
But then I dig up that fear - small, because it never had anything to feed on - that Yohji started this relationship with me just to hurt me, and I know I will be afraid of him.
Please, whatever divine being is out there, help me get past it.
::Nagi stares at the words::
Nagi: You really enjoy playing with our psyches, don't you? ::yawns kittenishly::
Pickles: Of course I do. You would all be a psychiatrist's field day. Especially you, Nagi-chan. ::scratches under Nagi's chin::
Nagi: purr... What makes you say that?
Pickles: Crawford. Slap. "Remember hate." Flashback. Need I say more?
Nagi: Oh, yeah... I remember that episode... look, you do realize that offscreen we've never done any of that, and we all just like to sleep together, right?
Pickles: Of course I do. Just look at all the fanfics around you. ::points at numerous PWP's:: But I don't write those. However, due to the ending, this entire series of fics must be classified as AU if you are going to read the sequel.
LiNa: Stop talking about the sequel until you post it, damn you!
Pickles: Be quiet. Pyro kitten...
Wehall, what can I say, aside from... REVIEW!!!!!! Let me know exactly what you think of me wreaking havoc on the boys.
Oh, and a side note. Read Bound In Blood by David something-or-other Lord. I know none of you have a problem with gay people. Well, his book is about gay VAMPIRES!!!! Sexy. Order it for your local library. Oooh, I get chills just thinking about it.
And once again... REVIEW!!!! Let me know what you think of my literary taste.