Title: Could it be any harder

Author: Nyte Brayker

Disclaimers: Joss owns everything, lucky duck. The Calling owns the lyrics to the song I used.

Distribution: Just ask no da!

Dedication: To Christine for allowing me to be on her site and for being one of the many who dare to write outside the box. And to all those who gave me feed back.

Summery: A piece of fluff told from Spike's P.O.V

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You left me with goodbye and open arms

A cut so deep I don't deserve

You were always invincible in my eyes

The only thing against us now is time.

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day."

-Could it be any harder

-The Calling

-Camino Palmero

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

She dances, I watch in the shadows as she dances, and wonder why I can't summon up the strength and courage to go to face my sire and the Slayer. To tell them that I love her, my Dawn, and then to tell them to take their best shot if they don't like it.

It's surprised me that Harris hasn't hung me out to dry yet. Maybe demon girl had him so whipped that he'll jump however high she tells him to. The lover wiccas seem to approve if I don't do anything improper.

Sometimes I want to bloody leave Sunnyhell, taking Dawn with me. Far from everything endangering her and from her house. The place where she lives is a façade. The Slayer can smile and take care of Connor, playing mommy, but I know she isn't happy. Soul boy sleeps in Joyce's old room where Connor has his crib and such. If the two were ever to slip up, I'd hate to see what happens.

I watch the house at night sometimes, Dawn is never home until late. I follow her sometimes at a distance, keeping her safe, and she knows it.

Kisses in the shadows of the Magic Box, her hands clutching my duster, her soft lips on my own cold ones, and the danger in the air of being caught. It hurts not to touch her when I see her in the presence of the Slayer.

But then, I can hurt the Slayer and Angel. He may be my sire, but he doesn't take cheap shots, and he isn't immune to holy water. He left me, Drusilla left me, and Buffy used me to get information without so much as a thank you. Only cash, like I was a whore selling my knowledge for cash.

She cares, I see it in her eyes, and she actually loves me as deeply as I love her. Silence used to drive me insane especially since I was usually alone. When she's with me, it's calming. Dawn always asks if I'm okay, if my day went well, if I want to talk about anything, and sometimes we just sit in silence.

It hurts her too. I feel her anxiety when we're around the Slayer and her cheerful company. The pain in her eyes when Angel and Buffy have moments. She wants to tell her sister, but can't because I'm a vampire, and pointing out that the poof is one too, would bring up the 'S' word. I'm chipped and I never tried to suck the universe into oblivion.

I take a sip of my beer and watch her sit down as a slow song comes on. She scans the room for me, I know she wants to dance, and so do I. I place my drink on the table to my right and take an unnecessary deep breath.

"Dawn, do you care to dance?" I ask as I come up behind her, out of the shadows, out of the dark place to which I watch.

"But Buffy and Angel-" I cut her off with a kiss. At the moment I don't give a damn if the poof or Slayer sees me.

"Luv,let them rain down hell, and we'll just hit them below the belt. I could take both of them and Harris and the wiccans would help since it would kill them to see you unhappy," I assure her and she follows me to the dance floor.

She wraps her arms around my neck while I encircle her waist and Dawn rests her head on my leather silk clad shoulder. I close my eyes, inhaling the scent of lavender and I caress my mark on her neck. She gets closer and I hear her heart beating.

"I love you, Spike," Dawn tells me, her sky blue eyes staring into my icy blue ones.

"I love you too, my Dawn," I reply, kissing her chastely, and I nearly smile as she responds hungrily. Her hands in my hair and I turn abruptly as Buffy passes by with Angel.

For that split second I tense up and then relax as the song ends. Dawn looks disappointed.

"I guess you're going to do your disappearing act," she says sadly," Spike, I hate hiding."

"Then we won't hide and I won't leave, Nibblet," was my answer as we go to the area occupied by the Scoobies and we sit. I hold her hand under the table and Harris shoots me a dirty look.

They can throw anything at me. Torture, bloody hell, they can lock me in a room with Harmony and not let me have earplugs. I can face anything as long as my Dawn is by me side.

To be con't…………………….