Severus Snape and Aphrdite the Author
"Oh Snape, look at what you've done! You've caused me to write another fic!" Author sighed, still sitting in Severus's pornographic bedroom, him still weeping over his dead parents.
"Well, I just want to know who my parents are!" Snape whimpered.
"Ugh!" Author heaved a large Wizardry Directory book into her lap, "Why don't we look in here?"
"The Wizardry Directory book?" Snape jumped up, tossing his tiger print pillow aside, "I never thought of that!"
Author shook her head, and flipped back to the SN's of the directory book, "Lets see...Snap, Snap-apple, Snap-buttons, snap-coat...Ah! Snape!" She sighed, "Oh here's you Sevie...your e-owl is Potions Hottie?"
"Wow...there's a lot of Snape's..." Snape hugged his tiger print pillow again, "Shall we call all of them?"
"Um, no."
"Why not?"
"Because Sevie, these are all ordinary people. You can't just call them up and say `Hi, my name is Severus Snape, and I was wondering if you're my parents'. It just doesn't work that way."
"Why?" Snape asked, sounding much like Author's little cousin Jimmy Jr.
"Because Snape. You just can't."
"But why?" He hugged his pillow tighter.
"Just because."
Snape began to weep, sob even, into the already quite soggy pillow.
Author pulled the pillow away, and whipped it out of the proximity of the bed.
"Alright Severus, lets just forget this for awhile okay?"
"But I-"
"Severus..." Author warned.
"Sorry." He sniffled again.
"Okay, well it's getting late-"
"Hey! What day is it?" Snape suddenly asked.
"Ah...Tuesday, because in reality I'm sitting in Mr. Crowe's room, taking my 8^th grade tests."
"Oh...Why?"
"Because it's the law."
"Oh."
"Anyway, since I'm bored, we're going to Mr. Crowe's room, okay?"
"Okay." Snape nodded, hugging a zebra print pillow now.
There was a popping sound, and Severus found himself sitting in a deathly quiet class room.
"What is this place?!" Severus whispered.
"Shh!" Everyone shushed him.
"Oh...sorry."
"Excuse me! This is a test! No talking, or you shall be asked to leave!" A mildly prissy looking girl spoke behind him.
Author rolled her eyes, and erased the girl from her imagination, leaving a large white space where she had once sat.
"Um...shouldn't that white spot be taken care of?" Severus asked.
"Oh. Sure!" Suddenly Remus Lupin filled the white space.
"Whoa! Kick-" (insert gulp), "ass!" Remus was drunker then Voldemort.
"Wait...How do you know Voldemort gets drunk?" Remus asked, sobering for a moment.
"Once again! I am making it up!" Author sighed.
"Oh...kick ass!" He sipped heavily from a bottle of booze.
"That better?" Author asked.
"Well, I guess so." Snape shrugged, hugging his pillow so tightly that the seem on top ripped, and duck feathers (no goose feathers, because Julia would have had a fit, and protested) flew around like snow flakes, "Oh no!"
"Snow! Snow!" Author's fellow classmates danced under all of the feathers, "Pretty Wisconsin snow! Snow!"
"Psycho's." Author sighed, and a large hole, leading to what seemed to be a truck with a padded room in the back, "Go! Follow your pretty little snowflakes! Up into the nice little padded room thingy."
As the feathers moved towards the truck, so did the students. When every last student was in the back of the nice little padded truck, the nice little men in white coats slammed the door, and the truck sped off, the hole in the wall disappearing a few moments later. The only people left in the room where, Mr. Crowe, Mr. Hadorn, Author, Snape, Remus, and of course Author's friend Melissa who was actually quite sane, but yes everyone else was gone.
"W-T-F was that?" Remus asked.
"I dunno." Author shrugged her shoulder, "I got bored, and I don't like any of those people. I made Scottie and Andy go though, `cause they would have."
"Oh..."
"DASTARDLY!"
"I am not a bastard!" Snape yelled.
"That's not what I said!" Author yelled.
"Then what the hell did you say!?"
"That DASTARDLY girl just sat in your spot."
"Oh. I thought something tickled."
"Snape!"
"Okay, okay!"
"Hey! Lets ship her off to the loony-bin too!"
"Hey Sam, have you seen Bob?" Melissa asked.
"Ack!" Author clamped her hand over Mel's mouth, "Don't say that name!"
"Your name is Sam?" Severus asked.
Author winced, "Severus!"
"Yes Author?"
"Shut up!"
Once again, Snape began to cry girlishly into the remains of his Zebra print pillow.
"Whoa! Cruel!" Remus shook his head, "Hey Sevie! How about we start a little slash fic?"
"Huh?" Snape asked, "Oh...okay."
"Ugh you can't-" Author started.
"Sam, have you seen Bob?" Mel interrupted.
"Oh, Remus, you have such a nice-"
"You have cold hands."
"Sam...Bob?"
"Cold, or just-"
"Very cold, but it feels quite-"
"Bob! Where is he!?"
"AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Author screamed, and promptly went completely insane...not that she wasn't in the first place...
"Oh Snape, look at what you've done! You've caused me to write another fic!" Author sighed, still sitting in Severus's pornographic bedroom, him still weeping over his dead parents.
"Well, I just want to know who my parents are!" Snape whimpered.
"Ugh!" Author heaved a large Wizardry Directory book into her lap, "Why don't we look in here?"
"The Wizardry Directory book?" Snape jumped up, tossing his tiger print pillow aside, "I never thought of that!"
Author shook her head, and flipped back to the SN's of the directory book, "Lets see...Snap, Snap-apple, Snap-buttons, snap-coat...Ah! Snape!" She sighed, "Oh here's you Sevie...your e-owl is Potions Hottie?"
"Wow...there's a lot of Snape's..." Snape hugged his tiger print pillow again, "Shall we call all of them?"
"Um, no."
"Why not?"
"Because Sevie, these are all ordinary people. You can't just call them up and say `Hi, my name is Severus Snape, and I was wondering if you're my parents'. It just doesn't work that way."
"Why?" Snape asked, sounding much like Author's little cousin Jimmy Jr.
"Because Snape. You just can't."
"But why?" He hugged his pillow tighter.
"Just because."
Snape began to weep, sob even, into the already quite soggy pillow.
Author pulled the pillow away, and whipped it out of the proximity of the bed.
"Alright Severus, lets just forget this for awhile okay?"
"But I-"
"Severus..." Author warned.
"Sorry." He sniffled again.
"Okay, well it's getting late-"
"Hey! What day is it?" Snape suddenly asked.
"Ah...Tuesday, because in reality I'm sitting in Mr. Crowe's room, taking my 8^th grade tests."
"Oh...Why?"
"Because it's the law."
"Oh."
"Anyway, since I'm bored, we're going to Mr. Crowe's room, okay?"
"Okay." Snape nodded, hugging a zebra print pillow now.
There was a popping sound, and Severus found himself sitting in a deathly quiet class room.
"What is this place?!" Severus whispered.
"Shh!" Everyone shushed him.
"Oh...sorry."
"Excuse me! This is a test! No talking, or you shall be asked to leave!" A mildly prissy looking girl spoke behind him.
Author rolled her eyes, and erased the girl from her imagination, leaving a large white space where she had once sat.
"Um...shouldn't that white spot be taken care of?" Severus asked.
"Oh. Sure!" Suddenly Remus Lupin filled the white space.
"Whoa! Kick-" (insert gulp), "ass!" Remus was drunker then Voldemort.
"Wait...How do you know Voldemort gets drunk?" Remus asked, sobering for a moment.
"Once again! I am making it up!" Author sighed.
"Oh...kick ass!" He sipped heavily from a bottle of booze.
"That better?" Author asked.
"Well, I guess so." Snape shrugged, hugging his pillow so tightly that the seem on top ripped, and duck feathers (no goose feathers, because Julia would have had a fit, and protested) flew around like snow flakes, "Oh no!"
"Snow! Snow!" Author's fellow classmates danced under all of the feathers, "Pretty Wisconsin snow! Snow!"
"Psycho's." Author sighed, and a large hole, leading to what seemed to be a truck with a padded room in the back, "Go! Follow your pretty little snowflakes! Up into the nice little padded room thingy."
As the feathers moved towards the truck, so did the students. When every last student was in the back of the nice little padded truck, the nice little men in white coats slammed the door, and the truck sped off, the hole in the wall disappearing a few moments later. The only people left in the room where, Mr. Crowe, Mr. Hadorn, Author, Snape, Remus, and of course Author's friend Melissa who was actually quite sane, but yes everyone else was gone.
"W-T-F was that?" Remus asked.
"I dunno." Author shrugged her shoulder, "I got bored, and I don't like any of those people. I made Scottie and Andy go though, `cause they would have."
"Oh..."
"DASTARDLY!"
"I am not a bastard!" Snape yelled.
"That's not what I said!" Author yelled.
"Then what the hell did you say!?"
"That DASTARDLY girl just sat in your spot."
"Oh. I thought something tickled."
"Snape!"
"Okay, okay!"
"Hey! Lets ship her off to the loony-bin too!"
"Hey Sam, have you seen Bob?" Melissa asked.
"Ack!" Author clamped her hand over Mel's mouth, "Don't say that name!"
"Your name is Sam?" Severus asked.
Author winced, "Severus!"
"Yes Author?"
"Shut up!"
Once again, Snape began to cry girlishly into the remains of his Zebra print pillow.
"Whoa! Cruel!" Remus shook his head, "Hey Sevie! How about we start a little slash fic?"
"Huh?" Snape asked, "Oh...okay."
"Ugh you can't-" Author started.
"Sam, have you seen Bob?" Mel interrupted.
"Oh, Remus, you have such a nice-"
"You have cold hands."
"Sam...Bob?"
"Cold, or just-"
"Very cold, but it feels quite-"
"Bob! Where is he!?"
"AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Author screamed, and promptly went completely insane...not that she wasn't in the first place...