Title: Love of My Life
Author: Artemis
E-mail: ArtemisRaine@aol.com
Rating: G
Classification: A/C Vignette
Disclaimers: Joss Whedon owns Angel and the whole gang.
Spoilers: Season 1-2; Season 3: Heartthrob
Summary: Takes place immediately after Heartthrob. Angel is in his room doing what he does best-Thinking and Brooding.
Notes: I loved Heartthrob, but felt that Angel didn't really get to have his say in the whole "Buffy was the love of my life" thing. This story is what I think Angel was thinking after the episode once he went upstairs to his room. 01/13/02
Notes II: PS-Thanks to Sairs and Seoirse agreeing to be my beta readers, which in the end helps me to become a better writer. Thank you!!
Distribution: Please ask me first so I know where it goes. It's my first Angel fanfic so I'd be tickled if someone does want it!
Feedback: Please do if the story so moves you.
Love of My Life
God, I love her! These past three months have been so painful, so confusing, so...peaceful. Well, okay, aside from the whole demon-monks-trying-to-kill-me thing. But otherwise, I was just left alone to meditate and just...Be. I really needed to get away from everything and everyone so I could just think. Sort through everything. *Sigh* I missed her so much...she'll never know how much.
The monastery was what I needed at the time. I know I worried them when I first decided to "go on vacation," take a sabbatical, breather, whatever. The situation was already awkward enough since I had to ask Wesley for a leave of absence. I'm still adjusting to not being in charge. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent not being the boss-and to be honest, Wesley manages the business so much better than I ever did-but I still have to remind myself from time to time that I just can't do what I want anymore. At least not to a point. Oh, sure, I miss the perks-the big office, my desk, my chair, my word being law...I really miss that one...*Sigh*...Wes and Cordy looking at me with stars in their eyes.
I know, it sounds corny. But I could see it every time they looked at me-I was their hero. Sure, we fought and bickered, but they put me on this pedestal. I was the badass vampire with a soul who was saving the world one soul at a time, with a few apocalypses thrown in for good measure. I was the knight in shining armor saving damsels in distress. Batman with fangs...I hated it at the time. Kept thinking, `Don't they know what I've done, what I'm capable of doing? Don't they know I'm evil?' Stupid. Stupid, stupid vamp! I miss the trust. The absolute, bone-deep-into-their-marrow trust that I would save them. Be there. Every time. Without fail.
I took it for granted. Took them for granted.
Oh, it's still there with Wesley, a little. I can see him trying to suppress it, but it's still there. I can catch it on his face when I enter a room and startle him, or if I surprise him with an idea or an obscure piece of information. I still remember how his face lit up when I went to his apartment after my epiphany...before he remembered what I'd done, before his face just...shut down. It surprised me, how much it hurt. How much it still hurts. And how much it hurt to see him in that wheelchair and know that I wasn't there to take that bullet for him. To protect him...But those feelings of trust, of love. They're still there. Probably the Watcher in Wes. Being 240 plus years old, Scourge of Europe, my vast knowledge of demonology...that garners a little respect! And I think, maybe, just maybe, Wes thinks of me as a big brother. With a dash of father thrown in. He doesn't talk about his family much, but from the little he has said, I've gathered it wasn't happy. *Hmph*
Angel Investigations: Dysfunctional Families-R-Us. *Sigh* Whatever it is, I'll take it. And if he ever, ever trusts and respects me like he used to, loves me like he used to, I won't be stupid enough to complain or brood about it.
Now Cordelia is another story. My Cordy is starting to let me in by degrees, but she doesn't trust me. Not yet. She's forgiven me for my stupidity, as she terms it, but I'm not her hero anymore. At least, I don't think so. She's like me-she keeps so much hidden and private. Every now and then she'll get this look in her eyes, and I think maybe I've gotten her back. But then she pulls away and it's gone. I think she was really starting to accept me back into her life, but then Pylea happened. But weird as it sounds, I think Pylea actually brought our group closer. And even though Cordy was a princess and all, with the jewels and the bowing, and she said she loved that Groo-guy-as if he was all that great...punching me after I spared his life-she chose to come back with me. I thought we'd started to get back the trust...the love. But Willow was waiting for us, and it all flew to pieces. Or rather I did. But it was just so hard-I had this perfect dream of Buffy and me and then
it was shattered and...And now it's three months later.
I wasn't kidding when I said I missed her...Her smile. The way she laughs. The smell of her hair. The heat of her skin. The feel of her in my arms. The touch of her... *Chuckle* Obsessed much?
Argh! Today started out so well. It was wonderful coming back...to my family. There. I said it. Thought it. Whatever. *Groan* Now I'm thinking like her... My family. I haven't had one in so long. Since Dru, Spike, and Darla. For the longest time I kept thinking that if I admitted they were my family, that I loved them, that someone would take them away. Because I didn't deserve them.
I didn't mean to kill Elizabeth. Would I have still done it if I'd known it was her? I'm not sure. Probably. I mean, that's what I do now, right? Protect the innocent. Yet, she was someone I knew. Not just another nameless vamp or demon. And I never meant to hurt James. I'm in this to protect people, not hurt them. And even if vampires aren't human, they do have feelings of a sort. I keep replaying everything in my mind, and I don't think I could have done anything differently. I staked Elizabeth without realizing it was her. I fought James to protect Cordy. I couldn't have done anything different.
Yet, I keep hearing his words. "You don't know what love is. You think you won just because you're still alive? I lived. You just existed." You just existed...you just existed. He's right. That's what I did for two hundred and some odd years. I existed. I killed, I maimed...got cursed, but never really lived.
Oh, there was Darla. There was always Darla. I did love her. She was everything to me back then. My sire, my teacher, my lover, my mother, my partner in so many ways. But I was never in love with her. And I was never happy with her. She'll never understand that. We had fun, but we were never happy. I didn't know what happiness was until I met Buffy.
Buffy. *Sigh* I can't believe she's gone. I mean, I always knew she would die. After all, she's human. And she's the Slayer. It's what Slayers do. They live, they fight, they die. But still...
She's so wrong! She doesn't know how wrong she is. And I'm glad. It might have been the only thing that saved her from James. Because, you know, I lied.
When I was fighting with James and I told him "the woman I love is dead," I looked him straight in the eyes and kept picturing Buffy. Because I did love her. She was the first person I'd ever fallen in love with. I've come to realize over the past three months all the different kinds of love there are. And let me tell you, first love is a Bitch. I thought it was just me, but I came to realize at the monastery that it's most people. Maybe it's a human thing. God knows this didn't happen until I got my soul back. But first love is all-encompassing, soul-wrenching pure emotion. It doesn't leave room for anything else. Because while you realize for the first time that you can love, you not only fall in love with someone else, you fall in love with falling in love. You get this high from just being in love. It's wonderful and awful and there's nothing like it in this entire world. And I tried to remember that as much as I could while I was staring at James, willing him to believe
me.
Because he couldn't go after Cordelia. Not my Cordy. While the woman I fell in love with was dead, the woman who'd become my life and my world was just behind me. Vulnerable. So human and fragile. And believing totally that I loved a dead woman.
It was so hard in the lobby just now. Just looking at her makes me happy. It fills me with this peace that I didn't know existed until Cordelia Chase came into my life. Well, okay, the peace part didn't come right away. And it's not that constant because having Cordelia in my life is the total opposite of peace. But she brings this peace to my heart...my soul.
When she asked me if I was okay, I told her part of the truth. The only truth I could give her. I let her believe that Buffy was the love of my life. She said that twice today, you know. But what can I say, "No Cordelia, she's not. You are. But we can't be together because I'm a vampire and you're this beautiful young girl who deserves so much more than me." That would go over well. After she got over her shock, she'd rip me apart for calling her a girl and assuming I knew what was best for her, say "Ewww," and proceed to get weirded out. Our friendship would be ruined. She'd leave me...I'd never see her again! I wouldn't be around to protect her...And the visions! Who'd be around...okay, got to calm down...
*Sigh*
I told her that my problem was that I'm okay. And I meant it. I do feel guilty that I feel okay that Buffy's dead. I feel guilty that I love Cordy. I feel guilty that I love Cordy more. That's why I feel like I'm betraying her. Because I'm alive, and I've moved on. It was never her fault. We just weren't meant to be together. I mean, come on! Vampire. Vampire Slayer. But also, we were never friends. We never got to know each other. We just had this big huge passion and it consumed everything else. So, should I feel bad? Should I feel guilty? I don't know. What I do know is that Buffy taught me that I can love. But Cordy taught me to live.
And not just to live, but to accept who and what I am. I hid so much of myself from Buffy because she couldn't accept those parts of me as the Slayer. Whistler taught me how to become a part of society again so I could help protect Buffy. But he couldn't teach me how to balance the human and the demon in me. With Buffy, I had to suppress the demon. But now, for the first time since I was cursed, I can be comfortable being both. Like Wes said, I'm a man with a demon in me. And they're really okay with that. My family really is amazing. And Cordelia. Cordelia has seen all of me and accepts me anyway. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, that's what love is really about.
I told James that I wouldn't be able to go on living if I lost the love of my life. I meant it. I don't think I could live without Cordy. She IS the meaning of my life. I know that someday I'll have to figure out how to live without her...God, I hope I don't have to. I'll do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't ever die, or that I die with her. And if I can't...well, that's not something I can think about. Not today. Never today. Today she's my life...my best friend. So, Powers, if you're listening, I can't do this without her. Not without her.
End
Author: Artemis
E-mail: ArtemisRaine@aol.com
Rating: G
Classification: A/C Vignette
Disclaimers: Joss Whedon owns Angel and the whole gang.
Spoilers: Season 1-2; Season 3: Heartthrob
Summary: Takes place immediately after Heartthrob. Angel is in his room doing what he does best-Thinking and Brooding.
Notes: I loved Heartthrob, but felt that Angel didn't really get to have his say in the whole "Buffy was the love of my life" thing. This story is what I think Angel was thinking after the episode once he went upstairs to his room. 01/13/02
Notes II: PS-Thanks to Sairs and Seoirse agreeing to be my beta readers, which in the end helps me to become a better writer. Thank you!!
Distribution: Please ask me first so I know where it goes. It's my first Angel fanfic so I'd be tickled if someone does want it!
Feedback: Please do if the story so moves you.
Love of My Life
God, I love her! These past three months have been so painful, so confusing, so...peaceful. Well, okay, aside from the whole demon-monks-trying-to-kill-me thing. But otherwise, I was just left alone to meditate and just...Be. I really needed to get away from everything and everyone so I could just think. Sort through everything. *Sigh* I missed her so much...she'll never know how much.
The monastery was what I needed at the time. I know I worried them when I first decided to "go on vacation," take a sabbatical, breather, whatever. The situation was already awkward enough since I had to ask Wesley for a leave of absence. I'm still adjusting to not being in charge. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent not being the boss-and to be honest, Wesley manages the business so much better than I ever did-but I still have to remind myself from time to time that I just can't do what I want anymore. At least not to a point. Oh, sure, I miss the perks-the big office, my desk, my chair, my word being law...I really miss that one...*Sigh*...Wes and Cordy looking at me with stars in their eyes.
I know, it sounds corny. But I could see it every time they looked at me-I was their hero. Sure, we fought and bickered, but they put me on this pedestal. I was the badass vampire with a soul who was saving the world one soul at a time, with a few apocalypses thrown in for good measure. I was the knight in shining armor saving damsels in distress. Batman with fangs...I hated it at the time. Kept thinking, `Don't they know what I've done, what I'm capable of doing? Don't they know I'm evil?' Stupid. Stupid, stupid vamp! I miss the trust. The absolute, bone-deep-into-their-marrow trust that I would save them. Be there. Every time. Without fail.
I took it for granted. Took them for granted.
Oh, it's still there with Wesley, a little. I can see him trying to suppress it, but it's still there. I can catch it on his face when I enter a room and startle him, or if I surprise him with an idea or an obscure piece of information. I still remember how his face lit up when I went to his apartment after my epiphany...before he remembered what I'd done, before his face just...shut down. It surprised me, how much it hurt. How much it still hurts. And how much it hurt to see him in that wheelchair and know that I wasn't there to take that bullet for him. To protect him...But those feelings of trust, of love. They're still there. Probably the Watcher in Wes. Being 240 plus years old, Scourge of Europe, my vast knowledge of demonology...that garners a little respect! And I think, maybe, just maybe, Wes thinks of me as a big brother. With a dash of father thrown in. He doesn't talk about his family much, but from the little he has said, I've gathered it wasn't happy. *Hmph*
Angel Investigations: Dysfunctional Families-R-Us. *Sigh* Whatever it is, I'll take it. And if he ever, ever trusts and respects me like he used to, loves me like he used to, I won't be stupid enough to complain or brood about it.
Now Cordelia is another story. My Cordy is starting to let me in by degrees, but she doesn't trust me. Not yet. She's forgiven me for my stupidity, as she terms it, but I'm not her hero anymore. At least, I don't think so. She's like me-she keeps so much hidden and private. Every now and then she'll get this look in her eyes, and I think maybe I've gotten her back. But then she pulls away and it's gone. I think she was really starting to accept me back into her life, but then Pylea happened. But weird as it sounds, I think Pylea actually brought our group closer. And even though Cordy was a princess and all, with the jewels and the bowing, and she said she loved that Groo-guy-as if he was all that great...punching me after I spared his life-she chose to come back with me. I thought we'd started to get back the trust...the love. But Willow was waiting for us, and it all flew to pieces. Or rather I did. But it was just so hard-I had this perfect dream of Buffy and me and then
it was shattered and...And now it's three months later.
I wasn't kidding when I said I missed her...Her smile. The way she laughs. The smell of her hair. The heat of her skin. The feel of her in my arms. The touch of her... *Chuckle* Obsessed much?
Argh! Today started out so well. It was wonderful coming back...to my family. There. I said it. Thought it. Whatever. *Groan* Now I'm thinking like her... My family. I haven't had one in so long. Since Dru, Spike, and Darla. For the longest time I kept thinking that if I admitted they were my family, that I loved them, that someone would take them away. Because I didn't deserve them.
I didn't mean to kill Elizabeth. Would I have still done it if I'd known it was her? I'm not sure. Probably. I mean, that's what I do now, right? Protect the innocent. Yet, she was someone I knew. Not just another nameless vamp or demon. And I never meant to hurt James. I'm in this to protect people, not hurt them. And even if vampires aren't human, they do have feelings of a sort. I keep replaying everything in my mind, and I don't think I could have done anything differently. I staked Elizabeth without realizing it was her. I fought James to protect Cordy. I couldn't have done anything different.
Yet, I keep hearing his words. "You don't know what love is. You think you won just because you're still alive? I lived. You just existed." You just existed...you just existed. He's right. That's what I did for two hundred and some odd years. I existed. I killed, I maimed...got cursed, but never really lived.
Oh, there was Darla. There was always Darla. I did love her. She was everything to me back then. My sire, my teacher, my lover, my mother, my partner in so many ways. But I was never in love with her. And I was never happy with her. She'll never understand that. We had fun, but we were never happy. I didn't know what happiness was until I met Buffy.
Buffy. *Sigh* I can't believe she's gone. I mean, I always knew she would die. After all, she's human. And she's the Slayer. It's what Slayers do. They live, they fight, they die. But still...
She's so wrong! She doesn't know how wrong she is. And I'm glad. It might have been the only thing that saved her from James. Because, you know, I lied.
When I was fighting with James and I told him "the woman I love is dead," I looked him straight in the eyes and kept picturing Buffy. Because I did love her. She was the first person I'd ever fallen in love with. I've come to realize over the past three months all the different kinds of love there are. And let me tell you, first love is a Bitch. I thought it was just me, but I came to realize at the monastery that it's most people. Maybe it's a human thing. God knows this didn't happen until I got my soul back. But first love is all-encompassing, soul-wrenching pure emotion. It doesn't leave room for anything else. Because while you realize for the first time that you can love, you not only fall in love with someone else, you fall in love with falling in love. You get this high from just being in love. It's wonderful and awful and there's nothing like it in this entire world. And I tried to remember that as much as I could while I was staring at James, willing him to believe
me.
Because he couldn't go after Cordelia. Not my Cordy. While the woman I fell in love with was dead, the woman who'd become my life and my world was just behind me. Vulnerable. So human and fragile. And believing totally that I loved a dead woman.
It was so hard in the lobby just now. Just looking at her makes me happy. It fills me with this peace that I didn't know existed until Cordelia Chase came into my life. Well, okay, the peace part didn't come right away. And it's not that constant because having Cordelia in my life is the total opposite of peace. But she brings this peace to my heart...my soul.
When she asked me if I was okay, I told her part of the truth. The only truth I could give her. I let her believe that Buffy was the love of my life. She said that twice today, you know. But what can I say, "No Cordelia, she's not. You are. But we can't be together because I'm a vampire and you're this beautiful young girl who deserves so much more than me." That would go over well. After she got over her shock, she'd rip me apart for calling her a girl and assuming I knew what was best for her, say "Ewww," and proceed to get weirded out. Our friendship would be ruined. She'd leave me...I'd never see her again! I wouldn't be around to protect her...And the visions! Who'd be around...okay, got to calm down...
*Sigh*
I told her that my problem was that I'm okay. And I meant it. I do feel guilty that I feel okay that Buffy's dead. I feel guilty that I love Cordy. I feel guilty that I love Cordy more. That's why I feel like I'm betraying her. Because I'm alive, and I've moved on. It was never her fault. We just weren't meant to be together. I mean, come on! Vampire. Vampire Slayer. But also, we were never friends. We never got to know each other. We just had this big huge passion and it consumed everything else. So, should I feel bad? Should I feel guilty? I don't know. What I do know is that Buffy taught me that I can love. But Cordy taught me to live.
And not just to live, but to accept who and what I am. I hid so much of myself from Buffy because she couldn't accept those parts of me as the Slayer. Whistler taught me how to become a part of society again so I could help protect Buffy. But he couldn't teach me how to balance the human and the demon in me. With Buffy, I had to suppress the demon. But now, for the first time since I was cursed, I can be comfortable being both. Like Wes said, I'm a man with a demon in me. And they're really okay with that. My family really is amazing. And Cordelia. Cordelia has seen all of me and accepts me anyway. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, that's what love is really about.
I told James that I wouldn't be able to go on living if I lost the love of my life. I meant it. I don't think I could live without Cordy. She IS the meaning of my life. I know that someday I'll have to figure out how to live without her...God, I hope I don't have to. I'll do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't ever die, or that I die with her. And if I can't...well, that's not something I can think about. Not today. Never today. Today she's my life...my best friend. So, Powers, if you're listening, I can't do this without her. Not without her.
End