I spent the entire night laying awake with Geannie by my side trying to get a grasp of the days events and everything that happened. But, still I had no idea what it was going to be about. Jeff had a tone of voice that said to me that I knew that what he was going to say, or do or basically whatever he had planned was not going to make me happy at all. That made me nervous and I did not like that fact. I was already nervous that I had lost my best friend, my rock steady. I needed Jeff to forgive me and I was so afraid that when he didn't that I would not be able to stay around the business.
"Kay are you all right? You seem worried about something." Steve asked when he was visiting.
"Worried?" I asked. "Not so much worried, just doing a lot of thinking is all."
"And what exactly would you be thinking about?"
"Jeff, he came over to me and told me to drive with him somewhere."
"So?"
"I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal and all, but it was the way that he said it more then what was said."
"Don't worry baby you and him will be fine, why are you even worried? I thought that the two of you had a great relationship?"
"We, well, we did. I know that we did, but I don't know where it stands right now."
"Kayla there is something that is going on around here and you are not telling me. I want to know what is going on." I stayed silent.
"Tell me, and you are going to tell me now. Choose, it's the easy way or the hard way."
"Something happened and now, well, me and Jeff are no longer together, or talking."
"And why would that be?"
"I kissed Dwayne the other night."
"What?"
"I didn't mean to. I know that it was so totally wrong and I look like a little slut right now, but I dont' feel that way."
"Well, how do you feel?"
"I feel like now I can be free to just, be free. I need to take time to choose the right guy, and in a way I guess that I know now that it wasn't meant for Jeff and I to stay together and be a couple."
"So you think that the right thing was done?"
"Not the right thing. I feel that it was the best thing for me to find out about me. For six months I was the woman who had the mystery affair with Dwayne, then I was the tramp that left Dwayne went to Jeff. Now I am the slut that cannot make up her mind about what she wants in a man. Or if I can even be devoted enough to stay with one man for more then a few weeks at a time."
"Darling, anybody that says that about you does not know you."
"That is just the point. There are quite a few people that do not truly know me and they are the ones that judege quickly. I am not saying that I care about the judgements, but I care about what the ones closest to me start to believe." I looked at Steve. "I need to know that my family will not start to believe what others do believe."
"Kay, you are a good woman, you may not be perfect, but who expects that? Because you have faults does not mean that you are not able to be a good and loving woman."
"Thank you."
"Listen, I know that you have to be up early if you want to drive with Jeff." He stood up and handed me Geannie. "So, I am going to go and spend the rest of this short night with my beautiful wife Debra."
"Good night Steve, and tell Deb that I said hi."
I must have stayed up half the night, my mind was working so fast and hard to figure out waht I was going to do about Jeff, and Dwayne. Even more so I wanted to know what had Jeff so perplexed and upset.
When I woke up to go meet Jeff the next morning there was dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep that I had experienced the night before.
"Hey, thanks for agreeing to do this." Jeff said when I went to go meet him.
"You know that I would do anything for you."
"Please." Jeff said quickly stopping what would soon promise to be a very good and heartfelt apology.
"O.k. Where is Dwayne? I thought that you wanted him to come along too?"
"I do, and he is going to meet us there. I thought, as well as he did, that it would be a little strange with all three of us in the car."
"I guess that you are right." I let a moment of awkward silence pass. "So where exactly are we going?" I asked on the way to the car.
"I want you to come to the airport with me."
"The airport?"
"I'm going home."
"For how long?"
"Don't worry about that now, I'll explain it later."
"Jeff, don't do anything that is a little extreme. Something that you really don't want to do."
"Kayla, you know nothing of what is going on inside of my heart. There is too much turmoil, so don't think that anything that I do is because I want to."
That was the last thing that Jeff said until we met Dwayne at the airport. The entire car ride over he looked as if ready to head into a total meltdown. It bothered me so badly. I hated to see Jeff in such a position, but knowing that I caused it? It was like stabbing me in the heart and then repeatedly stabbing me because you would think that it was incredibly funny. It hurt so badly, to this day I cannot begin to explain the mixed feelings and the pain that I felt for having those feelings.
And we walked into the airport terminal in silence. Half way there we met up with Dwayne.
"Jeff, hi Kay."
"Hi Dwayne." I said with a small smile. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to make it seem like I hated Dwayne by being cold, but I didn't want to be too friendly.
"I know that you are both wondering what this is all about. I mean, I really feel like I should not be talking to either of you." Jeff said starting out. "But, I needed to do this. I guess so that while I'm gone I have a small piece of closure to all that's happened."
"Jeff, what are you talking about?" I asked.
"The last two nights I have been doing a lot of thinking. And I actually had the time to go and write down some poetry. While I was thinking I figured that I would do this, seeming as it may be the only thing that I could do."
"Ok I still don't get this."
"Listen, I'm leaving, and I want to tell the both of you that I am very hurt by what happened. I trusted you, not only trusted you but loved you. It took a while for me to see that I needed to get past all the hurt to just let it go. Don't think that I am actually there to letting this go. My heart still hurts, and Kayla I cannot find the words to describe the type of woman that you are. I can't even say that I know what type of woman you are or even who you are. I loved you, I wish I could say that I don't anymore. But, I do. And to think that you, you of all people, cannot find it in your heart to love me enough to tell me that you and I are not going to work out? Maybe I was right before, maybe you don't truly get what love is. Then again I could be wrong. But this is why I wanted you to be here Dwayne. You see I came to see that I didnt' want the two of you to be hanging over my heads, and I don't want me to be hanging over your heads."
"Please Jeff tell me what is going on. If you do really love me you will tell me straight out what this is all about."
"This is about me and you and Dwayne. The two of you are going to have a large part in my life for a while, dealing with the pain and all. I have to be the one to deal with that, but at the same time I know that I can't be thinking and totally wallow in this forever. I don't want you to do that either." he said to me. "You know what? There is only one way to say this, I'm letting you go. From right now on the two of you do not exist to me, you never did and you never will again. From this moment on, after we go our own ways I cannot have anything to do with you." The final boarding announcement came over the loud speakers. "I have to go."
"Jeff, dont' do this I need you."
"Sorry."
"Please?"
"Maybe one day you and I can start yo build from where we broke down."
"When are you coming back?"
"Maybe one day we'll meet back up." Jeff said.
"hey, Jeff man you are coming back right?"Dwayne said speaking for the first time.
"I have to go." he started walking away.
"Jeff!" I yelled after him. "Jeff! God, Jeff tell me that you are going to come back."
"I wish that I could. Bye Kay, take care of her Dwayne." and then Jeff was gone. He disapperead through the terminal to the plane.
I turned and looked at Dwayne.
"I'm sorry Kay." was all that he managed to say to me.
I shook my head and walked away. Jeff was my best friend. I needed him around for a number of reasons. But now that Geannie was getting older she loved to be around him. I wanted him to be as close as could be with her. I saw that slip away as well as with our years of friendship. I had no knowledge of what to do.
"Kayla, wait up." Dwayne said running after me. "About what Jeff said."
"He was right and you know it." I said to him absent-mindedly.
"Not about you."
"ABout everything. I cannot even tell who I am anymore, and don't even tell me that you know who I am, because you don't. I've changed, in a way that I cannot explain, but it's there and you know it. I have to go."
"Are you going to leave me too? Jeff was also my friend, I know that he doesn't mean to me what he does to you, but he was my friend, don't just walk away."
"I have to." I said. "I really have to go."
"Kay, please, I've asked you before and I'm going to ask you again...Marry me?"
I looked at him angry and stunned. Here I was, just lost my best friend, about ready to break down into hysterics and he wanted to marry me? He was going to stand there and make his move?
I looked at him hard for a few minutes and then turned and walked away. I gave no answer, I just walked away.
Jeff was gone, and maybe never to return, and I walked away from Dwayne. Both Jeff and I not knowing if we were ever going to return to where we were.
"Kay are you all right? You seem worried about something." Steve asked when he was visiting.
"Worried?" I asked. "Not so much worried, just doing a lot of thinking is all."
"And what exactly would you be thinking about?"
"Jeff, he came over to me and told me to drive with him somewhere."
"So?"
"I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal and all, but it was the way that he said it more then what was said."
"Don't worry baby you and him will be fine, why are you even worried? I thought that the two of you had a great relationship?"
"We, well, we did. I know that we did, but I don't know where it stands right now."
"Kayla there is something that is going on around here and you are not telling me. I want to know what is going on." I stayed silent.
"Tell me, and you are going to tell me now. Choose, it's the easy way or the hard way."
"Something happened and now, well, me and Jeff are no longer together, or talking."
"And why would that be?"
"I kissed Dwayne the other night."
"What?"
"I didn't mean to. I know that it was so totally wrong and I look like a little slut right now, but I dont' feel that way."
"Well, how do you feel?"
"I feel like now I can be free to just, be free. I need to take time to choose the right guy, and in a way I guess that I know now that it wasn't meant for Jeff and I to stay together and be a couple."
"So you think that the right thing was done?"
"Not the right thing. I feel that it was the best thing for me to find out about me. For six months I was the woman who had the mystery affair with Dwayne, then I was the tramp that left Dwayne went to Jeff. Now I am the slut that cannot make up her mind about what she wants in a man. Or if I can even be devoted enough to stay with one man for more then a few weeks at a time."
"Darling, anybody that says that about you does not know you."
"That is just the point. There are quite a few people that do not truly know me and they are the ones that judege quickly. I am not saying that I care about the judgements, but I care about what the ones closest to me start to believe." I looked at Steve. "I need to know that my family will not start to believe what others do believe."
"Kay, you are a good woman, you may not be perfect, but who expects that? Because you have faults does not mean that you are not able to be a good and loving woman."
"Thank you."
"Listen, I know that you have to be up early if you want to drive with Jeff." He stood up and handed me Geannie. "So, I am going to go and spend the rest of this short night with my beautiful wife Debra."
"Good night Steve, and tell Deb that I said hi."
I must have stayed up half the night, my mind was working so fast and hard to figure out waht I was going to do about Jeff, and Dwayne. Even more so I wanted to know what had Jeff so perplexed and upset.
When I woke up to go meet Jeff the next morning there was dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep that I had experienced the night before.
"Hey, thanks for agreeing to do this." Jeff said when I went to go meet him.
"You know that I would do anything for you."
"Please." Jeff said quickly stopping what would soon promise to be a very good and heartfelt apology.
"O.k. Where is Dwayne? I thought that you wanted him to come along too?"
"I do, and he is going to meet us there. I thought, as well as he did, that it would be a little strange with all three of us in the car."
"I guess that you are right." I let a moment of awkward silence pass. "So where exactly are we going?" I asked on the way to the car.
"I want you to come to the airport with me."
"The airport?"
"I'm going home."
"For how long?"
"Don't worry about that now, I'll explain it later."
"Jeff, don't do anything that is a little extreme. Something that you really don't want to do."
"Kayla, you know nothing of what is going on inside of my heart. There is too much turmoil, so don't think that anything that I do is because I want to."
That was the last thing that Jeff said until we met Dwayne at the airport. The entire car ride over he looked as if ready to head into a total meltdown. It bothered me so badly. I hated to see Jeff in such a position, but knowing that I caused it? It was like stabbing me in the heart and then repeatedly stabbing me because you would think that it was incredibly funny. It hurt so badly, to this day I cannot begin to explain the mixed feelings and the pain that I felt for having those feelings.
And we walked into the airport terminal in silence. Half way there we met up with Dwayne.
"Jeff, hi Kay."
"Hi Dwayne." I said with a small smile. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to make it seem like I hated Dwayne by being cold, but I didn't want to be too friendly.
"I know that you are both wondering what this is all about. I mean, I really feel like I should not be talking to either of you." Jeff said starting out. "But, I needed to do this. I guess so that while I'm gone I have a small piece of closure to all that's happened."
"Jeff, what are you talking about?" I asked.
"The last two nights I have been doing a lot of thinking. And I actually had the time to go and write down some poetry. While I was thinking I figured that I would do this, seeming as it may be the only thing that I could do."
"Ok I still don't get this."
"Listen, I'm leaving, and I want to tell the both of you that I am very hurt by what happened. I trusted you, not only trusted you but loved you. It took a while for me to see that I needed to get past all the hurt to just let it go. Don't think that I am actually there to letting this go. My heart still hurts, and Kayla I cannot find the words to describe the type of woman that you are. I can't even say that I know what type of woman you are or even who you are. I loved you, I wish I could say that I don't anymore. But, I do. And to think that you, you of all people, cannot find it in your heart to love me enough to tell me that you and I are not going to work out? Maybe I was right before, maybe you don't truly get what love is. Then again I could be wrong. But this is why I wanted you to be here Dwayne. You see I came to see that I didnt' want the two of you to be hanging over my heads, and I don't want me to be hanging over your heads."
"Please Jeff tell me what is going on. If you do really love me you will tell me straight out what this is all about."
"This is about me and you and Dwayne. The two of you are going to have a large part in my life for a while, dealing with the pain and all. I have to be the one to deal with that, but at the same time I know that I can't be thinking and totally wallow in this forever. I don't want you to do that either." he said to me. "You know what? There is only one way to say this, I'm letting you go. From right now on the two of you do not exist to me, you never did and you never will again. From this moment on, after we go our own ways I cannot have anything to do with you." The final boarding announcement came over the loud speakers. "I have to go."
"Jeff, dont' do this I need you."
"Sorry."
"Please?"
"Maybe one day you and I can start yo build from where we broke down."
"When are you coming back?"
"Maybe one day we'll meet back up." Jeff said.
"hey, Jeff man you are coming back right?"Dwayne said speaking for the first time.
"I have to go." he started walking away.
"Jeff!" I yelled after him. "Jeff! God, Jeff tell me that you are going to come back."
"I wish that I could. Bye Kay, take care of her Dwayne." and then Jeff was gone. He disapperead through the terminal to the plane.
I turned and looked at Dwayne.
"I'm sorry Kay." was all that he managed to say to me.
I shook my head and walked away. Jeff was my best friend. I needed him around for a number of reasons. But now that Geannie was getting older she loved to be around him. I wanted him to be as close as could be with her. I saw that slip away as well as with our years of friendship. I had no knowledge of what to do.
"Kayla, wait up." Dwayne said running after me. "About what Jeff said."
"He was right and you know it." I said to him absent-mindedly.
"Not about you."
"ABout everything. I cannot even tell who I am anymore, and don't even tell me that you know who I am, because you don't. I've changed, in a way that I cannot explain, but it's there and you know it. I have to go."
"Are you going to leave me too? Jeff was also my friend, I know that he doesn't mean to me what he does to you, but he was my friend, don't just walk away."
"I have to." I said. "I really have to go."
"Kay, please, I've asked you before and I'm going to ask you again...Marry me?"
I looked at him angry and stunned. Here I was, just lost my best friend, about ready to break down into hysterics and he wanted to marry me? He was going to stand there and make his move?
I looked at him hard for a few minutes and then turned and walked away. I gave no answer, I just walked away.
Jeff was gone, and maybe never to return, and I walked away from Dwayne. Both Jeff and I not knowing if we were ever going to return to where we were.