Space Turtles Part deux: Chapter 2- In which Chakotay dances
Disclaimer: I own the broom! I forgot to mention this before, but really-all the living appliances- mine, 'cause I've done it before. I'm KNOWN for my movable appliances, people!
::The Bridge::
Janeway was staring out the view screen, watching nervously as the blue space turtles chased her ship. "Well... Tuvok... if you're SURE that the turtles won't explode..." She said carefully.
"The probably of having a second space turtle explode before it has ingested plasma of any sort is 234,247,235.47 to one." Tuvok said.
"Well... if It's that good..." Janeway said carefully.
"Captain? May I offer a suggestion?" Chakotay asked.
"Only if you get out of Tuvok's station and come sit where you're supposed to." Janeway said.
"Oh, right." Chakotay said, and stood up, hurrying over to his chair. "I suggest we try to communicate with it." Janeway stared at him. "It's not THAT far fetched, Captain..." Chakotay said, looking uncomfortable.
Janeway shook her head. "It's not that... It's just that YOU were the one saying I was insane for trying to communicate with the space turtles..."
Chakotay considered this.
Ten minutes later, he was still considering, and the crew was beginning to get a little worried. "Captain. We should take some form of defense against the space turtles."
"Right." Janeway said. "Mr. Tuvok, fire."
Tuvok fired phasers on the lead Turtle...
…it exploded.
"MR. TUVOK!" Janeway bellowed.
"My apologies captain!" Tuvok said, showing a slight sign of strain. "My calculations did not foresee the explosion of a second space turtle without the ingestion of plasma!"
The turtles regarded their exploded companion, and looked at Voyager. Snail-quick thoughts were racing through their brains. Maybe this whole "eat the starship" game wasn't so much fun anymore...
Janeway glared at her Vulcan tactical officer. A vein in her forehead was beginning to twitch. "My apologies, Captain!" Tuvok repeated.
Janeway's commbadge suddenly beeped. Janeway tapped it. "Janeway here."
"Captain? This is Lieutenant Torres." B'Elana's voice came over the commlink.
"Yes, Lieutenant?" Janeway asked, sounding rather annoyed. "What's the problem this time?"
"Uuhhhmmm... remember the broom?" B'Elana asked.
"THE BROOM?" The entire bridge crew screamed. "AAAAUUUGGHHHH!!!!"
"It's back." B'Elana said.
"AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Was the reply.
Down in engineering, B'Elana covered her ears. For some reason that seemed worse than the collective shriek from the engineering crew... oh well. "Uhhmm... it sort of wants to talk to you, Captain." B'Elana continued.
"Absolutely not. Shoot it and get it over with." Janeway replied.
"Uh... that's the problem... it sort of has a phaser pointed at all of us..." B'Elana continued.
"Deal with it yourself. We have Space Turtles up here. You're the chief engineer... didn't you learn anything about diplomacy? Janeway out."
"Uh..." B'Elana said, and then turned and grinned cheerfully at the Broom. "I have something to discuss with my engineering crew..."
Up on the bridge, Chakotay was staring at Janeway. "What?" Janeway demanded, getting a little annoyed. He had been staring for the past thirty minutes.
Chakotay's only reply was a slight drool.
"Helloooo... Chakotay?" Janeway asked, waving her hand in front of his face. "Very well... go plan a surprise attack against the broom. Just don't get killed... I don't want Tuvok as my first officer."
"Alright, Captain." Chakotay exclaimed, leaping to his feet and racing right smack dab into the turbolift doors.
Tuvok rose his eyebrows disdainfully at the Captain. He then turned his disdainful gaze to Chakotay, who was busy peeling himself off of the turbolift doors.
::Sickbay::
"Doctor! Doctor! More patients are becoming sick!" A crewmember yelled.
"The reason patients are here is because they are sick, Ensign." The Doctor said, taking out another hyper spray and injecting the next crewmember that walked in. "That's why I'm treating them. It is the crewmembers who are becoming sick."
"Ooooh... right!" The Ensign exclaimed cheerfully.
"Have you determined what's making everyone sick?" The Doctor asked, standing by the door and injecting the cure to the tummy-ache into the next crewmember that walked in.
"Well... they all came from Neelix's kitchen..." The Ensign started.
"That explains it." The Doctor said, and injected another crewmember.
"Well... they ate what Neelix called "Space Turtle Surprise"." The Ensign continued.
"Oh, not much of a surprise then, huh?" The Doctor wondered, injecting another crewmember that came in, completely green.
"Yeah... well... he says he scraped it off the hull." The Ensign said doubtfully. "Though I don't know how he managed to FIT inside one of our space suits..."
"Mmmhmmm..." The Doctor said, injecting the next crewmember to walk in.
The crewmember stumbled around, and collapsed to his knees. "I came... here... because I... sprained... my wrist in the... holo...decks..." The Ensign gasped, and fell over, dead.
The Doctor rose both eyebrows, and looked over at the medical Ensign. "Oops."
The Ensign shook his head. "The captain ain't gonna like this..."
::Between decks 13 and 14::
Chakotay crawled through the Jeffrey's tubes.
Sure... it was easier to get to Engineering by taking the turbolift. But after the stupid machine had clearly stated It's intentions not to allow him access, he had to use the Jeffrey's tubes.
It was humiliating at best.
A few minutes later, he arrived above engineering. He saw the engineers clustered around a panel. B'Elana was screaming at the top of her lungs at Carey. Some of the words she was using were not viewer-friendly.
Chakotay dropped down out of the Jeffrey's tube. "I'm here!" He exclaimed.
The engineers all turned. Chakotay turned. The Broom poked him in the nose with a phaser. "What are you doing here?" He demanded.
"I came to dance tango." Chakotay said, smiling weakly.
"What? So dance..." The broom said, sneering, if that was even possible.
Chakotay grabbed the nearest Engineer and began dancing with him.
"Sir...I find this highly disturbing." Vorik protested in his calm voice.
The Broom looked slightly disgusted.
Janeway read the two new reports, and glared once more at Tuvok. She stood up, and began pacing.
"Okay... let me see if I have got this straight." Janeway said. "My ship is being chased by two hungry Space Turtles, which are now slightly enraged due to the fact that we have just BLOWN UP two of them. My chief engineer, first officer, and in fact my ENTIRE ENGINEERING STAFF is being held captive by a piece of wooden cleaning equipment that wasn't even supposed to be on the ship anyway. The doctor has just killed another extra we could have used for another scene, and Neelix has poisoned half the crew with his Space Turtle soup. Have I missed anything?"
"Harry's talking to the Gnome again." Tom tattled.
Janeway growled at Tom, and looked over at Harry, who was indeed talking to something that wasn't there. She glowered at Tom some more.
"Uhhhh... other than that Captain, no, you've pretty much summed up the story so far!" Tom said quickly.
Janeway nodded. "Good. I'm glad we all have that straight." She said. She walked over to the railing behind her chair and began hitting her head on it again... and again and again and again...
Tuvok and Seven traded another Glance, and both heaved unison sighs of disdain.
Picard came racing onto the scene before the cast could continue their performance. "Stop all this! Stop it! I demand to see some serious stuff! This is too silly! Entirely too silly!"
Chakotay pointed at the broom. "It's his fault!"
Picard nodded. "Understood. Worf?"
Worf came racing onto the set. He grabbed the broom, snapped it in half, and walked away, picking his teeth with part of it.
"Uhhmm... thanks. I could have done that!" B'Elana shouted.
"No you couldn't!" Worf replied.
"Yuh huh!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh huh!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh huh!"
"Nuh uh!"
B'Elana picked up a piece of the broom. "Listen, you want to debate this?"
"I'm game!" Worf rumbled.
"AAAUUGGHHH!!!!" They both shouted, and began beating each other over the head with the broomsticks.
Tom sniffled. "But B'Elana... that was our activity for later tonight!"
Harry picked up the gnome and threw him at Picard.
"Aaaah! It's Q!" Picard screamed.
Janeway walked over and stood in the middle of the set. "GET OFF OF MY SHIP!"
Immediately Picard, Worf, and the Gnome were gone. "Alright." Janeway said calmly. "Now let's get on with the story..."
Janeway tried to get order instilled back over her crew after that incident.
Tom was whining to B'Elana, who now had splinters in her head from being hit over the head with the broom. Vorik was having another emotional overload, and was chasing Chakotay with the rose that the commander had tried to get Vorik to clench between his teeth during their tango maneuver.
The Doctor was writing up a report for the dead Ensign, "Ah, Ensign #47, we knew ye well..." and Harry was throwing a temper tantrum because his Gnome had left. Tuvok and Seven were staring blankly at their counsels, trying to ignore everyone. Naomi was piloting the ship. Neelix was trying to get more crew members to eat his Space Turtle Surprise.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Janeway screamed.
That worked. Everyone stopped talking and turned to the captain, some of them with their mouths still half-opened. "Thank you." Janeway said. "Now, if we can please get back to the story on hand..."
"Right-o!", Tom exclaimed.
At that exact moment, a Space Turtle caught up with Voyager and began chewing on its engine. "TUVOK! Find some other way to get rid of those things WITHOUT blowing them up." Janeway commanded.
"Captain... something's coming into the ship!" Seven announced.
"A little less vague, Seven?" Janeway ordered.
"The Space turtle, captain... It's releasing little tiny space turtles into our ship!" Seven announced.
The space turtle in question suddenly exploded. "My apolo---" Tuvok began.
"Shove it, Tuvok." Janeway growled. "What do you mean, Turtles are coming onto our ship? How many?"
"About three big ones, and a bunch of itty bitty ones, Captain." Seven said.
"Itty bitty?" The entire crew asked.
"That's what the computer says..." Seven said, waving her hands helplessly at the imprecise instrument.
"What... you mean we've been SPORED?" B'Elana demanded.
"That's what it would appear to be." Seven said coolly.
Suddenly, one of the larger space turtles, which had been sent onto the ship, skittered onto the bridge. Tuvok pulled out his phaser. He fired.
The turtle exploded, and the entire bridge and the crew were covered in turtle guts.
"TUUUUVOK!!!!!!" Janeway shrieked, as some turtle intestine dripped down her forehead.
"I believe I shall make myself absent for this place at this time." Tuvok said.
"That would be wise." Seven agreed.
"Seven." Janeway said.
"Yes Captain?" Seven asked, looking up from her counsel.
"Can we use your nanoprobes to get rid of the Space Turtles?" Janeway asked.
"I do not believe so, Captain." Seven replied.
"Are you going to have any more of those dreams in which you remember how to build something new?" Janeway asked. "Hopefully something that'll destroy the Space Turtles?"
"That's next episode, Captain." Seven replied.
"Shoot! Does that mean that I'll have to do the thinking for once?" Janeway demanded, looking skyward.
"I am sorry, Captain." Seven apologized.
"No... Don't be sorry... be gone! If I Don't need you on this bridge, I Don't want you on the bridge... you're too spooky." Janeway said.
Seven left the bridge in a sulk. Chakotay looked over from his big comfy chair. He had thorn cuts all over his face. "Don't you think we'll be left at a slight disadvantage if you keep on shuttling every crewmember you think is spooky off of the bridge?" Chakotay asked.
"Nonsense. When left on her own, Seven will create a nice subplot." Janeway replied.
"I think we have our subplot covered..." Chakotay said, pointing at the remains of the broom.
"Nonsense." Janeway said, and crossed her arms. A few minutes passed. "Well?" Janeway shouted. "I'm waiting!!!!"
There was another short pause, and then a muffled voice said, "Sorry..." From the turbolift.
Seconds later, Harry announced, "Captain! Someone's blocked off Cargo bay 2! There's Borg encryption codes!" The Ensign shouted, as if this was some big surprise.
"Alright." Janeway said. "I'll go down there... Chakotay... you have the bridge. Protect us from those microscopic turtles."
"Aye, Captain!" Chakotay shouted, saluting. He waited until the turbolift doors closed behind Janeway, and burst into laughter.
"Commander... there's still a space turtle chasing us." Tom announced.
"Alright... let's fire on it." Chakotay announced.
The Ensign behind Tuvok's tactical station gulped. "Uh, Commander?" Harry said cautiously from Operations, "Didn't the captain specifically say we're not supposed to kill the Space Turtles?"
"She's not on the bridge... how will she know? Besides... she'll just blame it on Tuvok if she ever does find out." Chakotay said.
The tactical Ensign breathed a sigh of relief. "Shall I fire, Commander?" He asked.
"Fire on will, Ensign!" Chakotay exclaimed.
The Ensign looked confused, and pulled out his phaser. The other Ensign at Astrometrics suddenly turned white, and bolted for the readyroom doors. "The space turtles! Fire on the space turtles!" Chakotay exclaimed, before they could loose another Ensign.
The Ensign shrugged, took aim, and blew a corner off of the view screen. Tom flung himself under his counsel. Chakotay turned, seething. "The Space turtles... out in space... Ensign..." Chakotay growled.
"Oooooh! Gotcha!" The Ensign exclaimed, and fired on the giant space turtle.
It exploded. "Oooooh! Aaaaaahhh..." The Entire Bridge crew exclaimed, except for Tom, who was still underneath his counsel. He had gotten stuck.
Janeway was walking down towards Cargobay 2. She walked past a window, and saw the space turtle. She continued walking, and then took a few steps backwards, and stared at the space turtle. It stared back, but actually it was only staring at the engine nacelle.
Suddenly, the turtle exploded. Janeway tapped her commbadge. "Janeway... to... Lieutenant.. Tuvok..."
"Tuvok here, Captain." Tuvok said in his calm, crystal-clear voice.
"YOU BLEW UP ANOTHER ONE OF THE SPACE TURTLES!" Janeway shrieked.
"Captain... I protest." Tuvok said. "I have not been on the bridge for the past three minutes."
He looked down at the three exploded mini-turtles and the other itty-bitty turtles he had been stepping on. He would have to get out of here before Neelix started his "salvage" operation, and Janeway found him.
"I don't care... I'm still going to lock you in the Brig and poke carrots at you." Janeway said.
"Oh dear... Captain... not carrots?"
Janeway blinked, trying to figure out if that had been Vulcan sarcasm or sincere worry. She blinked again, and it suddenly became a nervous twinge. "State your location, Lieutenant."
TWITCH
"The messhall." Tuvok lied.
Janeway turned, forgetting all about Seven, and raced to the mess hall.
"Chakotay to Lieutenant Torres."
"Torres here, Commander." B'Elana's voice came filtering back.
"Seven's locked herself in the cargo bay again." Chakotay informed her.
"Soooooo?" B'Elana drawled. "Isn't it the captain's job to get her out?"
"Well, yes and no. The Captain is going after Tuvok at the moment."
"Well...more power to her. But I still Don't see why you told me about this..." B'Elana said.
At the other end, Chakotay was silent. There was a long, loud, silence.
Some of what Chakotay was silently inferring was beginning to sink in. "What... no... no... Not a chance, Commander! Not a chance! There is no way that I'm going on down there and talking down my worst enemy!" B'Elana exclaimed.
"Go down there and make her come out?" Chakotay pleaded.
"I'm glad that was a suggestion and not an order..." B'Elana said quietly.
"It was an order." Chakotay replied.
"Well, in that case, I'm glad it was an order and not a Direct Order..." B'Elana said, a little more muffled this time.
"It was a Direct Order." Chakotay replied.
"Chakotay... can I get back to you on this one? Carey just dropped a whole pile of supplies..." She looked up as Carey came walking past, holding an armful of supplies, and stuck out her foot, tripping him. "I have to help him. Torres out."
"Now wait just a cotton-picking minute!" Chakotay screamed at the now-dead commlink. He turned, closed his eyes, and pointed around the bridge. When he stopped, and opened his eyes, he was pointing at himself. "How do these things work out?" He demanded to the ceiling, and stalked off of the bridge to go talk to Seven.
::Turbolift::
"This feeling of complete idiocy... was this why I joined Star Fleet and then later quit to join the Marquis? Nooooo..." Chakotay grumbled, and kicked the door to the turbolift. "Computer, open the doors!"
"Unable to comply." The computer replied.
"Why?" Chakotay demanded.
"Please restate question." The computer said.
Chakotay sighed. "Computer, why are you unable to open the doors to the turbolift?"
"A level 4,264,543,523.47 clearance code is needed." The computer said.
"A level 4 billion WHAT?" Chakotay exclaimed.
"A level 4,264,543,523.47 clearance code is needed." The computer repeated dutifully.
"A level... for goodness sakes! Not even the Captain could get out of THIS turbolift! I don't even think Admiral Mc Coy could get out of THIS turbolift!" Chakotay screamed.
"Affirmative." The computer chirped.
"Computer... enter clearance code Chakotay47pi." Chakotay said, calming himself down.
"Voice recognition is off-line." The computer said.
"What? Why..."
"Please restate the question." The computer said.
"WHY IS THE BLOODY VOICE RECOGNITION OFF LINE?!?!" Chakotay screamed.
"Please restate the question." The computer repeated.
"Computer..." Chakotay said, trying to control his voice, "Why is the voice recognition offline?"
"Voice recognition was inadvertently broken." The computer said.
"Now was that so hard?" Chakotay demanded.
"Please restate the question."
"Oh, never mind about the bloody question. Computer, who broke the voice recognition?" Chakotay asked.
"Lieutenant Tom Paris, on Stardate...", The computer began.
Chakotay cut it off. "Computer... kill Lieutenant Paris for me."
"Unable to comply." The computer replied. "Please restate order."
"Never mind. Computer, open the doors." Chakotay said, way past annoyed, now.
"Unable to comply." The computer said.
Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to maintenance."
"Maintenance here, Commander. What can we do for you, sir?" A crewman's voice came back over the line.
"Get me out of this turbolift."
"Which one are you in?" The maintenance crewman asked.
"Turbolift #47." Chakotay said. He wondered briefly why there was a #47 turbolift when there were only 20 turbolift on the ship...
"We Don't... have... a turbolift number forty seven sir... did I hear you correctly?" The maintenance crewmember asked patiently.
Chakotay slapped his forehead. "Wonderful!" He exclaimed. "I've been caught in a plot hole!"
"I'm sorry, sir? I don't understand..." The crewmember said slowly.
"Never mind, thanks anyway. Chakotay out." Chakotay said. He began kicking the doors to the turbolift. "LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!"
"Please restate order." The computer chirped.
Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to Lieutenant Paris."
"Paris here, Commander."
"Tom, what did you do to..."
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" Paris began screaming. "I was just walking along, and I accidentally fell into your chair when Harry ran into me... I didn't mean to break the leg on your chair! IT WAS HARRY'S FAULT! …And how did you even figure it out already... PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Tom began sobbing.
"Uhm... actually, Paris, I was going to ask about the voice recognition..." Chakotay said slowly and carefully.
"Oh." Tom said. "Oh. Oh. Oh. That was, uh..." He burst into sobs again. "That was me too!"
"Uhm... Tom... whatever... I'll just... Uhm... Chakotay out."
::Engineering::
After B'Elana had helped Carey clean up the collection of scattered parts, she noticed that once again, pixie dust had been scattered all over. "Jeez... with all of this, We're going to summon Kes back..." She muttered, and then turned to Carey. "Get something to clean that up." She ordered, and feeling a tad bit better, walked over to go punch up a counsel.
AKA run a diagnostic.
Vorik came walking over. "Lieutenant." He said calmly. "I believe Carey is going to perform another mistake."
"What do you mean?" B'Elana asked, and looked up in the direction of Lieutenant Carey. "CAREY NO!"
Carey looked up, from halfway wiping up the pixie dust with a dishrag. "Chief?" He asked in confusion.
The dishrag shuttered, and wiggled out of Carey's grip. It then slapped him and jumped back inside its little bucket.
"Carey! You idiot!" B'Elana screamed, advancing on the human and rolling up her sleeves.
Carey took a step backwards. "I'm sorry, chief, how was I supposed to know?"
B'Elana stopped, and fixed Carey with an entirely falsified grin. "That's a good point... now, you had better go and let Vorik and I handle this." She said. "Before someone gets in their head to kill off a semi-major character like you."
"Who would do that?" Carey wondered.
"Namely... ME! OUT OF ENGINEERING!" B'Elana shrieked, leaping in Carey's direction.
Carey was gone in about five seconds.
"Lieutenant?" Vorik asked calmly from behind B'Elana.
"Yes, Vorik?" B'Elana asked.
"Do you believe that was wise?" Vorik asked.
"No. But I have every right to be irrational. Now how does your logical Vulcan mind think that we should destroy this dishrag?" B'Elana demanded.
"Hmm... a prudent course of action indeed, destroying this dishrag. I believe all we will have to do is shoot it."
B'Elana blinked. "Shoot it? Is that another one of your logical Vulcan terms cleverly disguised to fool me once again?"
"No, Lieutenant. This time I'm actually talking normally." Vorik replied.
"Okay... good. Wait! There it goes!" B'Elana screamed, pulling out her phaser and firing at the dishrag as it squee-geed away.
The dishrag scuttled behind a counsel. Vorik looked over the counsel. "It has disappeared!" He announced.
"Look! It's over there!" B'Elana shouted, racing haphazardly across engineering, waving her phaser. The few remaining engineers scattered as B'Elana approached them, clearly thinking that the phaser was for them.
"Why do we get all of the monster cleaning equipment?" B'Elana demanded, searching for the Eeeeevil dishrag.
"Just lucky, I guess." Vorik replied.
"You call living brooms, washrags, and dustpans LUCKY? What do you Vulcans consider UNLUCKY?" B'Elana shouted.
"Ingrown toenails." Vorik replied.
B'Elana blinked, and considered this. "Yes... I guess that WOULD be unlucky..."
Suddenly, the dishrag leaped out of hiding and wrapped itself around B'Elana's throat!
"Auggh! Vorik, help! It's strangling me... and it's moist with soap scum!" B'Elana exclaimed, trying to rip the dishrag off.
"I'll help you." Vorik said, pointing the phaser at the dishrag.
"Nooooo Vorik!" B'Elana screamed.
((ZAAP))
~~~~~~~~~