Chapter Two: How The Fellowship of the Randomly Mean Necklace Meets The
Gollum Estrogen Brigade, and How The Sporadically Evil Sponges Almost
Nearly Kill Frodo (And More Stuff.)
Frodo couldn't have been more right when he said that something excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil was going to happen.
He had been left alone for about ten minutes, when there was this rapping on the windows. Freaked, he raced out and found Aragorn, downing a beer with Gandalf.
"Strider, there's something at the window!"
Aragorn looked at him with a funny expression. "Frodo, it's just the wind. You're being paranoid."
"No! I mean, there. Is. Something. At. My. WINDOW!"
"Okay, I'll come look," Aragorn said reluctantly, following Frodo. Everyone else followed Aragorn. (They didn't want to miss all the excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil fun either!)
Aragorn looked out Frodo's window. "There is absolutely nothing there. You have become paranoid from all of those stories about bad things happening to you!"
"No I haven't!" Frodo replied.
"Yes, you have! I mean, there's been arrows flying at you, you falling through pools and stuff, 21st century girls hounding you! What could one expect?"
All of a sudden, something popped up in the window. They all turned and gasped.
"Frodo, we love you!"
"Marry me Frodo!"
"He's MINE!"
"No, he's M-I-N-E!"
"MINE!"
"I love you more Frodo!"
"No, I DO!"
Frodo jumped back. "Hide me, please!"
Gandalf quickly picked Frodo up and dragged him out of the room. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Aragorn, who were also a bit worried by the rabid fangirls, followed them.
Gandalf took them into the now-magically-empty common room to stay safely for the night, away from all of the fangirls.
"Gandalf, what WERE they?" Frodo asked worriedly, for he did not yet know what they were.
"Those, Frodo, are rabid fangirls. They want YOU, and you alone. They'll stop at nothing, so be careful!"
Frodo shook with fear. "No! Not rabid fangirls!" He started running around in circles.
"Frodo, stop that!" Frodo stopped. "Thank you!" Gandalf said, for he was rather dizzy from all of the circles that Frodo had run in.
"Now, we need a plan. We need to get out of here as early as possible tomorrow morning," said Aragorn seriously. (Seriously!)
"I know what we shall do. Make for Weathertop," said Gandalf.
"But—that's where I was stabbed the last time!" cried Frodo.
"This time, it won't happen," Aragorn promised. "I won't let it."
"Nor will I," put in Sam proudly.
"I will not either," declared Merry.
"I refuse to allow it!" said Pippin, sounding much more sure of himself than he felt.
"And I will not allow any of you to act stupid, Pippin!" said Gandalf, jesting at Pippin, who glared at him.
"Alright. Then it's all settled. We leave as early as possible tomorrow morning," Aragorn said. "Now, we absolutely MUST get some sleep. We have a long journey ahead."
"Goodnight, everyone," said Frodo, and he lay down.
"Goodnight, everyone!" echoed Sam, lying down near Frodo, to protect him.
"Goodnight!" exclaimed Merry, who followed suit.
"Goodnight!" Pippin exclaimed, but he did not follow suit. (He did not know what the expression meant until Merry kicked him, and he lied down as well.)
"It IS a goodnight, isn't it?" asked Gandalf.
"No!" cried Frodo. "There are RABID FANGIRLS trying to get me!"
"My apologies, and goodnight," said Aragorn, lying down.
"Goodnight!" cried Pippin, Merry, and Sam.
"We know it's a goodnight! Now SHUT UP!" roared Gandalf. They hushed up immediately.
Everyone slept peacefully that night.
The next morning, they awoke to the rooster crowing. Frodo ran back to his room to pick up something he had dropped the night before, and found all the beds torn up.
"Imagine that!" exclaimed Butterbur when he saw the mess. "Who would have though? Guests can't even sleep in their own beds!"
"Do you EVER get sick of that line?" demanded Gandalf, who was sick of that line.
"Well, I thought it was the intelligent thing to say," he replied.
"It was maybe intelligent, but that doesn't mean I will never get sick OF IT!" Gandalf said, unexpectingly raising his voice again.
"Yes, Mr. Gandalf!" replied Butterbur. "Well, you'd best be off. Those fangirls will wake up soon, and if you aren't out of here, than they will be on the attack!"
"Thank you for all your KIND HELP!" said Gandalf, his voice doing the voice- thingy again.
"Anytime, Mr. Gandalf. Now, get on with you!"
So they left. And they journeyed some more. And some more. And they were almost to Weathertop when something happened.
"Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants. SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! Sponge Bob Square Pants. Sponge—" (I'm sure you get it.)
"What is that?" asked Merry quietly.
"That is the band of Sporadically Evil Sponges," explained Aragorn. "Frodo, we must hide you. It's you they want, and I'm not about to let anything happen to you!"
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Sam.
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Merry.
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Will you knock that OFF?" exclaimed Gandalf with the voice-thingy.
"I will!" exclaimed Sam.
"I will!" exclaimed Merry.
"I will!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Don't you know what I mean when I say knock THAT OFF?" roared Gandalf.
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Sam.
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Merry.
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Stop THAT!"
"We're spoofing ourselves. This is what we do!" exclaimed Sam.
"We're spoofing ourselves. This is what we do!" exclaimed Merry.
"We're spoof—"
"I know what you're DOING!"
Now, very afraid of Gandalf, they stopped. For now.
Meanwhile, Aragorn was hiding Frodo in some bushes. "Now, if you get in trouble, hoot like an owl."
Aragorn started to go back to group.
"Hey! I can't hoot like an owl! Bilbo couldn't hoot like an owl! No Baggins can hoot like an owl!"
Too bad Aragorn didn't hear him.
The Sporadically Evil Sponges hammered down on them. Frodo tried desperately to hoot like an owl, but to no avail. He utterly failed at hooting. So no one heard him not hooting when the arrows started flying over his head.
Arrows? From SPONGES? WHAT KIND OF HORRIBLE PARODY IS THIS?
A fun one. Leave me arrow-shooting sponges alone!
Ahh… okay. Author rants aside, the arrows were flying, and Frodo was not hooting.
By the time everything was over, Gandalf had three arrows sticking out of his hat, and Aragorn was worried like crazy when Frodo was not behind the bushes not hooting like an owl.
"Where has that Hobbit gone?" He heard something in the distance.
"Stop it!"
"It's Frodo! Let's go!" Aragorn started running, followed by the rest.
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" they heard a Sporadically Evil Sponge cry as they neared.
"SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!" cried the rest.
"STOP IT!" cried Frodo.
"I agree with Frodo!" cried Pippin, running straight into the middle of the Sporadically Evil Sponges.
"Pippin! You came! These sponge-types were so annoying!" Frodo exclaimed. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" he yelled, imitating the lead sponge. "What is UP with THAT?"
"Hey, have you met me cousin? Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's square," said one of the sponges.
"THEY ALMOST NEARLY KILLED ME BACK THERE!" yelled Frodo.
"How do sponges shoot arrows in the FIRST PLACE?" wondered Gandalf.
"BUT—THEY ALMOST NEARLY KILLED ME BACK THERE! DON'T YOU CARE?"
"Of course I do, young Frodo. Now, really, we must be GOING."
"What is UP with your voice?" asked Aragorn.
"I don't KNOW!"
"Okay."
"Hey, have you met me cousin? Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's square," said the same sponge that had spoken before, this time with irritation in his voice.
"No, we have not," replied Aragorn. "We must be going. Toodles!"
The six members of the Fellowship quickly ran off.
"Hey! We wanted that Randomly Mean Necklace!" yelled one of the Sporadically Evil Sponges.
"We'll meet again!" cried another.
"HEY! MY COUSIN IS SQUARE!" yelled the one who had been going on about Sponge Bob Square Pants the whole time.
Aragorn ignored the yells, but looked at Frodo. "Why didn't you hoot like an owl?"
"Because I CAN'T hoot like an owl! I yelled that as you left, but you didn't hear me. Typical spoof."
"Then you should have yelled!"
"I was too busy not hooting like an owl!" Frodo shot back.
"Alright, that's ENOUGH!" put in Gandalf. "Right now we are on the run from the Sporadically Evil Sponges! We must not let them CATCH UP!"
They all ran like mad people to Weathertop. (So they ran for a few days. SORRY!)
They huddled along the backside of Weathertop with their backs to a fire, anticipating something evil to come along.
They were SO right.
In the distance, Merry thought he saw some funny shapes.
"Oh no," said Gandalf. "It's what I've been fearing for days. The Gollum Estrogen Brigade."
"No, not The Gollum Estrogen Brigade!" cried Frodo, imagining himself running in circles, for he could not really run in circles.
"Frodo, I will protect you!" said Sam valiantly.
"I will protect you too!" Merry added valiantly.
"As will I protect you!" Pippin said valiantly.
"Okay, will you STOP with this whole Mossflower hare imitation thing that's going on?" begged Aragorn.
"And once again, we do not understand a reference made by the AUTHOR," said Gandalf.
Shut up!
They watched in silent horror as a large group of black masses traveled toward them. Frodo tried to resist the temptation to put on the Randomly Mean Necklace. It was too strong. On it went. (The Randomly Mean Necklace does NOT make you invisible. It just makes you Randomly Mean. This time, it did not make Frodo randomly mean.)
"So what's up with these Dark Lord's putting their power into jewelry anyway?" asked Merry. "First there was that Ring, and now that Necklace."
"I don't KNOW," answered Gandalf honestly. "Souran is a he/she, for all I know. He has a thing for jewelry, I suppose."
"That's just stupid," Merry said.
"That IS stupid," said Sam.
"That is really stupid," Pippin added.
"Knock that Mossflower thing off at ONCE!" yelled Gandalf.
"Quit yelling! They're coming!" said Aragorn harshly.
They all went silent.
Frodo twiddled his thumbs.
Merry, Pippin, and Sam twiddled their thumbs.
Gandalf twiddled his thumbs.
Aragorn twiddled his thumbs.
The Gollum Estrogen Brigade moved nearer.
Suddenly, a shriek was heard.
"Frodo!" exclaimed Aragorn, grabbing a branch and setting it on fire. The others followed suit. (Except Pippin, because he still didn't know what 'following suit' meant. Merry kicked him, and he grabbed a branch and set it on fire.)
They fought off all of The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, and ran to find Frodo. Frodo was screaming in pain.
"Not again!" exclaimed Merry.
"Not again!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Not again!" exclaimed Sam. "Hey, that was out of order!"
"Frodo was stabbed with… a toothpick?"
TBC
A TOOTHPICK! Stay tuned…
Frodo couldn't have been more right when he said that something excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil was going to happen.
He had been left alone for about ten minutes, when there was this rapping on the windows. Freaked, he raced out and found Aragorn, downing a beer with Gandalf.
"Strider, there's something at the window!"
Aragorn looked at him with a funny expression. "Frodo, it's just the wind. You're being paranoid."
"No! I mean, there. Is. Something. At. My. WINDOW!"
"Okay, I'll come look," Aragorn said reluctantly, following Frodo. Everyone else followed Aragorn. (They didn't want to miss all the excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil fun either!)
Aragorn looked out Frodo's window. "There is absolutely nothing there. You have become paranoid from all of those stories about bad things happening to you!"
"No I haven't!" Frodo replied.
"Yes, you have! I mean, there's been arrows flying at you, you falling through pools and stuff, 21st century girls hounding you! What could one expect?"
All of a sudden, something popped up in the window. They all turned and gasped.
"Frodo, we love you!"
"Marry me Frodo!"
"He's MINE!"
"No, he's M-I-N-E!"
"MINE!"
"I love you more Frodo!"
"No, I DO!"
Frodo jumped back. "Hide me, please!"
Gandalf quickly picked Frodo up and dragged him out of the room. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Aragorn, who were also a bit worried by the rabid fangirls, followed them.
Gandalf took them into the now-magically-empty common room to stay safely for the night, away from all of the fangirls.
"Gandalf, what WERE they?" Frodo asked worriedly, for he did not yet know what they were.
"Those, Frodo, are rabid fangirls. They want YOU, and you alone. They'll stop at nothing, so be careful!"
Frodo shook with fear. "No! Not rabid fangirls!" He started running around in circles.
"Frodo, stop that!" Frodo stopped. "Thank you!" Gandalf said, for he was rather dizzy from all of the circles that Frodo had run in.
"Now, we need a plan. We need to get out of here as early as possible tomorrow morning," said Aragorn seriously. (Seriously!)
"I know what we shall do. Make for Weathertop," said Gandalf.
"But—that's where I was stabbed the last time!" cried Frodo.
"This time, it won't happen," Aragorn promised. "I won't let it."
"Nor will I," put in Sam proudly.
"I will not either," declared Merry.
"I refuse to allow it!" said Pippin, sounding much more sure of himself than he felt.
"And I will not allow any of you to act stupid, Pippin!" said Gandalf, jesting at Pippin, who glared at him.
"Alright. Then it's all settled. We leave as early as possible tomorrow morning," Aragorn said. "Now, we absolutely MUST get some sleep. We have a long journey ahead."
"Goodnight, everyone," said Frodo, and he lay down.
"Goodnight, everyone!" echoed Sam, lying down near Frodo, to protect him.
"Goodnight!" exclaimed Merry, who followed suit.
"Goodnight!" Pippin exclaimed, but he did not follow suit. (He did not know what the expression meant until Merry kicked him, and he lied down as well.)
"It IS a goodnight, isn't it?" asked Gandalf.
"No!" cried Frodo. "There are RABID FANGIRLS trying to get me!"
"My apologies, and goodnight," said Aragorn, lying down.
"Goodnight!" cried Pippin, Merry, and Sam.
"We know it's a goodnight! Now SHUT UP!" roared Gandalf. They hushed up immediately.
Everyone slept peacefully that night.
The next morning, they awoke to the rooster crowing. Frodo ran back to his room to pick up something he had dropped the night before, and found all the beds torn up.
"Imagine that!" exclaimed Butterbur when he saw the mess. "Who would have though? Guests can't even sleep in their own beds!"
"Do you EVER get sick of that line?" demanded Gandalf, who was sick of that line.
"Well, I thought it was the intelligent thing to say," he replied.
"It was maybe intelligent, but that doesn't mean I will never get sick OF IT!" Gandalf said, unexpectingly raising his voice again.
"Yes, Mr. Gandalf!" replied Butterbur. "Well, you'd best be off. Those fangirls will wake up soon, and if you aren't out of here, than they will be on the attack!"
"Thank you for all your KIND HELP!" said Gandalf, his voice doing the voice- thingy again.
"Anytime, Mr. Gandalf. Now, get on with you!"
So they left. And they journeyed some more. And some more. And they were almost to Weathertop when something happened.
"Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants. SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! Sponge Bob Square Pants. Sponge—" (I'm sure you get it.)
"What is that?" asked Merry quietly.
"That is the band of Sporadically Evil Sponges," explained Aragorn. "Frodo, we must hide you. It's you they want, and I'm not about to let anything happen to you!"
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Sam.
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Merry.
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Will you knock that OFF?" exclaimed Gandalf with the voice-thingy.
"I will!" exclaimed Sam.
"I will!" exclaimed Merry.
"I will!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Don't you know what I mean when I say knock THAT OFF?" roared Gandalf.
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Sam.
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Merry.
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Stop THAT!"
"We're spoofing ourselves. This is what we do!" exclaimed Sam.
"We're spoofing ourselves. This is what we do!" exclaimed Merry.
"We're spoof—"
"I know what you're DOING!"
Now, very afraid of Gandalf, they stopped. For now.
Meanwhile, Aragorn was hiding Frodo in some bushes. "Now, if you get in trouble, hoot like an owl."
Aragorn started to go back to group.
"Hey! I can't hoot like an owl! Bilbo couldn't hoot like an owl! No Baggins can hoot like an owl!"
Too bad Aragorn didn't hear him.
The Sporadically Evil Sponges hammered down on them. Frodo tried desperately to hoot like an owl, but to no avail. He utterly failed at hooting. So no one heard him not hooting when the arrows started flying over his head.
Arrows? From SPONGES? WHAT KIND OF HORRIBLE PARODY IS THIS?
A fun one. Leave me arrow-shooting sponges alone!
Ahh… okay. Author rants aside, the arrows were flying, and Frodo was not hooting.
By the time everything was over, Gandalf had three arrows sticking out of his hat, and Aragorn was worried like crazy when Frodo was not behind the bushes not hooting like an owl.
"Where has that Hobbit gone?" He heard something in the distance.
"Stop it!"
"It's Frodo! Let's go!" Aragorn started running, followed by the rest.
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" they heard a Sporadically Evil Sponge cry as they neared.
"SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!" cried the rest.
"STOP IT!" cried Frodo.
"I agree with Frodo!" cried Pippin, running straight into the middle of the Sporadically Evil Sponges.
"Pippin! You came! These sponge-types were so annoying!" Frodo exclaimed. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" he yelled, imitating the lead sponge. "What is UP with THAT?"
"Hey, have you met me cousin? Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's square," said one of the sponges.
"THEY ALMOST NEARLY KILLED ME BACK THERE!" yelled Frodo.
"How do sponges shoot arrows in the FIRST PLACE?" wondered Gandalf.
"BUT—THEY ALMOST NEARLY KILLED ME BACK THERE! DON'T YOU CARE?"
"Of course I do, young Frodo. Now, really, we must be GOING."
"What is UP with your voice?" asked Aragorn.
"I don't KNOW!"
"Okay."
"Hey, have you met me cousin? Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's square," said the same sponge that had spoken before, this time with irritation in his voice.
"No, we have not," replied Aragorn. "We must be going. Toodles!"
The six members of the Fellowship quickly ran off.
"Hey! We wanted that Randomly Mean Necklace!" yelled one of the Sporadically Evil Sponges.
"We'll meet again!" cried another.
"HEY! MY COUSIN IS SQUARE!" yelled the one who had been going on about Sponge Bob Square Pants the whole time.
Aragorn ignored the yells, but looked at Frodo. "Why didn't you hoot like an owl?"
"Because I CAN'T hoot like an owl! I yelled that as you left, but you didn't hear me. Typical spoof."
"Then you should have yelled!"
"I was too busy not hooting like an owl!" Frodo shot back.
"Alright, that's ENOUGH!" put in Gandalf. "Right now we are on the run from the Sporadically Evil Sponges! We must not let them CATCH UP!"
They all ran like mad people to Weathertop. (So they ran for a few days. SORRY!)
They huddled along the backside of Weathertop with their backs to a fire, anticipating something evil to come along.
They were SO right.
In the distance, Merry thought he saw some funny shapes.
"Oh no," said Gandalf. "It's what I've been fearing for days. The Gollum Estrogen Brigade."
"No, not The Gollum Estrogen Brigade!" cried Frodo, imagining himself running in circles, for he could not really run in circles.
"Frodo, I will protect you!" said Sam valiantly.
"I will protect you too!" Merry added valiantly.
"As will I protect you!" Pippin said valiantly.
"Okay, will you STOP with this whole Mossflower hare imitation thing that's going on?" begged Aragorn.
"And once again, we do not understand a reference made by the AUTHOR," said Gandalf.
Shut up!
They watched in silent horror as a large group of black masses traveled toward them. Frodo tried to resist the temptation to put on the Randomly Mean Necklace. It was too strong. On it went. (The Randomly Mean Necklace does NOT make you invisible. It just makes you Randomly Mean. This time, it did not make Frodo randomly mean.)
"So what's up with these Dark Lord's putting their power into jewelry anyway?" asked Merry. "First there was that Ring, and now that Necklace."
"I don't KNOW," answered Gandalf honestly. "Souran is a he/she, for all I know. He has a thing for jewelry, I suppose."
"That's just stupid," Merry said.
"That IS stupid," said Sam.
"That is really stupid," Pippin added.
"Knock that Mossflower thing off at ONCE!" yelled Gandalf.
"Quit yelling! They're coming!" said Aragorn harshly.
They all went silent.
Frodo twiddled his thumbs.
Merry, Pippin, and Sam twiddled their thumbs.
Gandalf twiddled his thumbs.
Aragorn twiddled his thumbs.
The Gollum Estrogen Brigade moved nearer.
Suddenly, a shriek was heard.
"Frodo!" exclaimed Aragorn, grabbing a branch and setting it on fire. The others followed suit. (Except Pippin, because he still didn't know what 'following suit' meant. Merry kicked him, and he grabbed a branch and set it on fire.)
They fought off all of The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, and ran to find Frodo. Frodo was screaming in pain.
"Not again!" exclaimed Merry.
"Not again!" exclaimed Pippin.
"Not again!" exclaimed Sam. "Hey, that was out of order!"
"Frodo was stabbed with… a toothpick?"
TBC
A TOOTHPICK! Stay tuned…