National M&M Day and the Perfect Bowl of Chili

By Dylan S. Thompson

Harry Potter and his two best friends, Hermione and Ron, were all sitting in the Gryffindor common room one day. They were all alone, because it was National M&M day, so the entire school had suddenly turned into yummy candies. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all had rejoiced at this sudden turn of events, and they all decided not to eat their fellow classmates (no matter how yummy and delicious they looked)

So, after they finished the last M&M in the place, they decided to go to the Gryffindor common room. Once they arrived there, they found out that one other person in the school had not been turned into an M&M. That person was Severus "Monkey Boy" Snape. Snape had also found that his students, as well as his colleagues, had been turned into yummy candies, so he decided to go to the Gryffindor Common Room and get high. By the time the Three Musketeers had found him, Snape though they were actually three Three Musketeer candy bars. If you catch my meaning.

So, after Ron, Hermione, and Harry had finished smoking Monkey Boy, they made some chili. Three hours later, the chili was done. Harry decided to teach Ron and Hermione how to prepare the perfect bowl of Chili.

"First," said Harry to his bowl, "you put a layer of Fritos on the bottom of the bowl. After that, you sprinkle the Fritos with cheese," here, Harry took three pounds of cheddar cheese and poured it into his bowl of Fritos, "After you have added your cheese, you fill the bowl with chili." Harry filled the bowl with chili, "Then you put some more Fritos on it, and add another dash of cheese." Again, three pounds of cheese were poured into the teeny, tiny bucket. "Once everything is added, you dive in and enjoy!" Here, Harry dove into his swimming pool full of cheese and chili.

Ron suddenly looked up and said, "Shut the hell up, Harry! Me and Hermione are trying to make out!"

"That's Hermione and I, hon." Corrected Hermione.

"Shut the hell up and kiss me!" Ron screamed as loud as he could.

"Right-o!"

To Be Continued (Unfortunately)

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The Art of Aardvark Hunting: A sequel-type-thing

By Dylan S. Thompson

Soon after Harry recovered from the third-degree burns attained from swimming in a bowl of boiling chili, he was outside. Now, he wasn't outside for any old reason, he was outside for a specific old reason. He was honoring the longtime Hogwarts Tradition of Artichoke hunting. Yes, that's right; he was going after the legendary beast itself!

So, he was outside, tracking the Artichoke when Ron suddenly came upon him and said, "Harry, what are you doing?"

Harry jumped into the air out of suprisedness, and shouted out in shock, "Don't do that, Ron! It's startling!"

Ron looked at Harry in confusion and asked, "What? All I did was ask a question."

Harry, who, for some unknown reason that undoubtedly had to do with Lord Voldemort, was still floating in the air, returned with, "Yes, but you did it in a very abrupt and surprising manner!"

Ron, who was now even more confused, said, "Whatever-the-hell you say, buddy. It's your pancake."

"Indeed!" Cried Harry, who was now, for some unknown reason that undoubtedly had to do with Lord Voldemort, back on the ground. "Now help me track this Artichoke."

"What the fuck's an Artichoke?" Asked Ron.

Harry jumped to his feet and cried out in superiority, "Hah! An Artichoke is a green vegetable that leaves no tracks whatsoever. That is why it is so hard to track one! But I am Harry Potter, The Boy That Lived! I'll find it!"

"You're Harry Potter, The Boy Who Went Completely Fucking Insane," Ron said under his breath.

"What was that?" Asked Harry in a very harsh voice.

"Nothing, nothing." Assured Ron, then he picked up a tulip and asked, "Is this an Artichoke?"

Harry gave him a look that said no, stupid, that's a tomato', and then he said, "No, stupid, that's a tomato!"

Ron stared at him as if he was stupid and said, "No, Harry, I'm almost certain that this is not a tomato."

"What do you know? I'm the hero of this story! You're just the sidekick that everybody likes!"

"Shut the hell up!" Cried Ron passionately. Suddenly, Harry fell down and said:

"Oh, goody, I've found an Artichoke."

Ron sighed in relief, and asked, "Now that you've found the legendary Artichoke, can we go inside?"

Harry looked at Ron as if he was stupid and said, "Why ever would I do that? I'm looking for Aardvarks, not Artichokes!" Harry gave Ron a brilliant smile, which made Ron want to punch Harry in the teeth, and said, "Onward!"

Ron smiled at Harry and said, "Right, I'm going inside. I'm afraid of catching your insanity. See ya Harry."

"Right-o!" Yelled Harry in response before he ran into the lake.

To Be Continued Yet Again (Still Unfortunately)

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Thanks for the Hippo, Friend: It's a trilogy-type-thing now!

By Dylan S. Thompson

Harry Potter was now in the infirmary because he had caught hypothermia from diving into the lake. Suddenly, Ron came to visit him.

"How ya doin' Harry?" Asked Ron, who had suddenly started talking like a white American who wanted to be black. "Whassup my homie-g-doggy-slice?" Then he snapped out of it.

"Thanks again for the Hippo, friend." Harry said with a leering smile.

"Yeah, whatever you say, Harry." Ron responded. He suddenly felt like backing slowly out of the room and running away.

"I've got a theory!" Harry cried jubilantly.

"Do you now?" Said Ron like one would talk to a three year old insane child.

"Yepperoni I do!" Cried Harry, "A cat always lands on its feet, right?"

Ron blinked and said, "I suppose."

"Right. And, when you drop a piece of buttered toast, the buttered side always lands face down, right?" Continued Harry.

"I don't really pay attention to the inner mechanisms of dropped toast."

"Exactly! So, my theory is this: If you were to attach a piece of buttered toast to a cat, then the two objects would hover inches above the ground, spinning at a furious rate." Harry had now stood up in bed, and was acting out his theory with his hands.

Ron, who was now realizing his early dream of slowly backing out of the room, hesitantly said, "That's great Harry, why don't you lie down and get some rest?"

However, Harry was not paying any attention to Ron, "And, if you were to somehow harness this power, you could build a transportation system that gets you from Chicago to Washington D.C. in mere minutes!"

This statement really got under Ron's skin, and he stopped leaving the room. "There are two major things wrong with that statement, Harry. Firstly: Chicago and Washington D.C. are major cities in AMERICA; a country in which you do not live and probably will never visit. Secondly: We are WIZARDS, Harry. We can already travel great distances in mere minutes, hell, even seconds. We've got a thing called Apparation! And the Floo System! And Portkeys!"

Harry looked despondent and said depressedly, "Oh yeah, I guess your right."

Ron nodded in happiness because he thought that maybe his friend was becoming outsane again. However, Harry suddenly jumped back up and cried out passionately, "I've another theory!"

Ron groaned and covered his face with his hands and said, "Great, just great."

Harry continued rambling, saying, "The cows are all going to rise up against us, Ron!"

Ron looked at Harry as if he were stupid and said, "I'm beginning to really hate you Harry."

Harry looked at Ron confusedly for a second and then asked, "Ron, are there cows in England?"

Tears of frustration began to well up in Ron's eyes, and he screamed in Harry's face, "Of course there are bloody cows in bloody England! Cows are everywhere!"

Harry pointed his finger into the air and said, "Exactly, cows are everywhere! They're like rabbits!"

"Harry, just shut the hell up!"

"They sit there, chewing their grass all day, staring at us like we're stupid because we don't chew grass like they do. They hate us, Ron, they hate us."

"Then, how the holy hells are they like rabbits?"

"Both of them eat grass," Harry answered casually.

Ron nodded and said in a defeated voice, "Ok, Harry, I'm going to leave now. I'm sick of you and I'm afraid that if I spend another second in the presence of your insanity, I'll kill you. Do you understand?"

Harry smiled absently and nodded, "Of course, Ron."

Ron nodded and began to leave. However, before he was out the door, Harry called to him, "Ron, thanks again for the hippo."

"Right, Harry, whatever." Ron called back.

"Oh, and Ron?"

"What?"

"If I feel like painting, I'll paint!" Harry said defensively.

"Sure, Harry. I'm leaving now."

"Right-o!"

The End(Finally)