Chapter Three: MORDOR (But They Don't Go There… YET)
(Hey, look! A SHORT chapter title! ::grins::)
Aragorn dug around in Frodo's shoulder. Frodo was emitting a random 'Ow' or 'That hurt, you bastard!'.
Finally, the toothpick came out!
"That is one helluva big toothpick!" exclaimed Merry in amazement. (Sam and Pippin had been hit in the head with large sticks by Merry and had fallen asleep. Why? Just because.)
"There's something… glimmering on it." Aragorn inspected it further. "It says… MORDOR™?"
"MORDOR™?" asked Merry.
"MORDOR™," confirmed Aragorn. "In silver writing, as well."
"That's a big toothpick!" exclaimed Frodo as he came to full awareness and saw it. "That was IN me?"
"Yes, it was," said Aragorn. "But the funny thing was, it WANTED to come out! As soon as I started digging around for it with the digger-thingy, it started coming towards it."
"Do you suppose it just wanted to pick Sauron's teeth?" asked Merry.
"Sauron doesn't HAVE teeth, Merry!" Aragorn said, looking at him oddly.
"Yeah… but… um… moose?"
Frodo and Aragorn shook their heads. They had no idea what Merry was babbling about, so they just ignored him.
"Hey… maybe… no… wait… um… antelope! No… not right… um…"
"How do you feel, Frodo?" asked Aragorn.
"A lot good! I mean, fine! Excellent!"
"Fantastic! I didn't want a repeat of the last time," Aragorn replied.
"Shall we move on?"
"What about those two?" Aragorn asked, motioning over to Sam and Pippin, who were snoring away.
"Merry!" called Frodo.
Merry ran over and kicked Sam, and then Pippin. They both awoke with a start.
"Hey!" they cried at the same time. Then they looked over at Frodo.
"You're awake!" cried Sam. "Mr. Frodo!" Sam ran over and hugged Frodo.
"Samwise, that may have worked last time, but I'm SICK OF ALL THE GAYNESS! I AM NOT GAY! ALRIGHT?"
Sam backed away, shocked at his master's behavior. "I-I'm so-sorry, M-Mr. F-frodo…"
"Oh, Sam, I am too. Just no hugging, okay?"
Sam nodded.
"Hey! Frodo's awake!" cried Pippin.
"You, Pippin, are slower than a dead rabbit," commented Merry.
"I… I am not!"
"Frodo's been up for what, five minutes, and you JUST NOW NOTICED?"
"WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE UPPERCASE CONVERSATIONS?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"HOW ABOUT WE STOP THAT! IT'S BECOMING ANNOYING!"
"ALRIGHT!"
"YOU FIRST!"
"NO, YOU!"
"ENOUGH!" cried Aragorn. "Merry, you stop screaming in caps first, than Pippin."
"OKAy," said Merry, lowering his voice.
"SOUNDS GOOD TO me," said Pippin, also lowering his voice.
I am THE best, thought Aragorn. So many problems averted tonight due to my cleverness! I AM the best! God loves me the be--
"Um… guys? Have you noticed anything?" asked Frodo suddenly.
"What?" everyone else asked in unison.
"Where's Gandalf?"
Everyone looked around.
"Um… maybe… no… was he… no… um…" began Merry. No one paid attention to Merry.
"Well, we certainly didn't lose him!" said Aragorn.
"A wizard is never lost; he is exactly where he wants to be when he wants to be," said Gandalf, suddenly appearing and lacking the whole voice thing.
"Look at this," said Aragorn, pulling out the toothpick from his bag. "This came out of Frodo's shoulder. Do you see the marking?"
"It says MORDOR™. I had no idea Sauron had a toothpick-making company."
"Apparently, he does," said Aragorn. "He manufactures evil, poisoned toothpicks, all made to stab Frodo with."
Gandalf looked at him. "That really did not make sense, but okay."
"How did that not make sense?" demanded Aragorn, miffed that Gandalf was questioning his cleverness.
"We must be going. I am worried that The Gollum Estrogen Brigade might attack again, and we mustn't be anywhere near!"
Everyone began running around and gathering their things.
"DANG DIGGITY!" exclaimed Frodo suddenly.
"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam worriedly.
"The Randomly Mean Necklace is not in my pocket! I LOST IT!"
"Everyone, begin searching NOW! This is indeed a bad thing," said Gandalf.
Sam went down and searched at the bottom of Weathertop. "Hey, I found a penny!" he said excitedly.
"We're not looking for that!" roared Gandalf. "The NECKLACE, Samwise, the NECKLACE!"
Sam began searching again. Meanwhile, on the other side of the hill, Pippin, Merry, and Aragorn were looking.
"Hey, guess what I found?" asked Pippin.
"What?" asked Merry.
"No, guess!"
"What?"
"GUESS!"
"A penny?" he asked lamely, for lack of anything better.
"No! Guess again!"
"Ara-GORN!"
"Alright, alright! It's a… (insert dramatic drum roll here) SHOELACE!"
"Ack, Pippin! The NECKLACE! Not a shoelace," scolded Merry.
After a few more minutes, Pippin shrieked again.
"What?" asked Aragorn, exasperated with the whole search.
"I found a rubber chicken!"
"PEREGRIN TOOK! THE NECKLACE!"
"Alright, alright!"
After a few more minutes of combing the area, Merry gave a shriek this time.
"What is it, Mr. Merry?" asked Sam, who had now begun searching with them.
"I found another MORDOR™ toothpick! Ack!"
"Don't touch it, whatever you do!" ordered Aragorn.
"You think?"
"Alright, that was a stupid thing to say," he admitted.
"Um… guys?" said Frodo sheepishly.
"What?" they all snapped. They were all tired of looking for the Randomly Mean Necklace, and just wanted to go on to Rivendell.
"Ah… I hate to tell you this, but… it was in my other pocket the whole time."
"WHAT?" screeched Merry. "You mean… you mean to tell me that I almost TOUCHED another MORDOR™ toothpick, looking for that dumb piece of jewelry, and it was in your pocket the WHOLE TIME? I say we just let you destroy the thing yourself. I'm sick of this journey! I wanna go home!"
"Meriadoc Brandybuck!" scolded Gandalf. "What about this undying loyalty of yours?"
Merry hit himself in the head. "I'm sorry, Frodo! I wasn't thinking! It was… the MORDOR™ toothpick! It had an Effect on me…"
"Let's just go, okay? I'm hungry," said Pippin.
"We're not going to get to Rivendell THAT fast, Mr. Pippin!" exclaimed Sam.
"Yeah, well, I'm still hungry."
Aragorn shoved some food under Pippin's nose. "If it'll take food to shut you up, all the better. Let's move on."
So they moved. (Insert Jeopardy theme song here.) They made it to Rivendell. (Yes, you nitpickers! It's been seventeen days or some shit. Happy?)
"Gandalf, everyone! It's a good thing to see you! I've been terribly worried," said Elrond as they stepped into the main house.
"What is it that has had you worried, dear friend?" asked Gandalf.
"I've received word of several separate evils on your trail," he replied. "The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, the Sporadically Evil Sponges, and the Four and Three Eighths Riders from Mordor."
"The WHAT?" screeched Frodo.
"The Four and Three Eighths Riders," replied Elrond.
"NO! NOT THE FOUR AND THREE EIGHTHS RIDERS!" cried Pippin, running around in circles.
Frodo smacked him hard. "I'M supposed to do that." He stepped away from Pippin.
"NO! NOT THE FOUR AND THREE EIGHTHS RIDERS!" he cried, running in circles.
"You insane Hobbits!" said Gandalf. "Stop that immediately!" Frodo stopped.
"So… what exactly are the Four and Three Eighths Riders?"
"Do you remember the Nazgul?" asked Elrond seriously. (Seriously!)
Everyone nodded as shudders ran down their backs. Frodo's were the coldest, though. Anyway…
"We'll, they're sort of like that."
"Sort-of? SORT-OF?" cried Frodo. "What do you mean by SORT-OF?"
"I mean that they're sort-of the same. They come from Mordor, and the Dark Lord Souran. They are the Kings of old that had received necklaces from Souran."
"The three eighths then?" asked Aragorn, thoroughly puzzled.
"The fifth one broke his necklace in the shower. So when the power overtook him, he became just three eighths of a creepy ghost dude instead of a full one."
"Ahh…" everyone said in unison.
"Are they riding horses or those flying thingies?" asked Sam, worried more for his Mr. Frodo than anything else.
"Neither. Sheep."
"SHEEP?" cried Aragorn, suddenly bursting out in laughter at the thought of these big ugly black things riding sheep.
"Sheep," confirmed Elrond.
"Do they… fall over?" asked Pippin, grinning.
"This author needs to STOP INCLUDING REFERENCES WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND!" cried Gandalf. (The reference? Veggie Tales. The tipping sheep. Erm… yeah, alright. Keep reading.)
Suddenly, Frodo screamed. Really loud. Everyone looked over, but they couldn't see him.
"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam, starting to worry.
They heard a faint cry. "What was THAT?" asked Pippin, confused as usual.
"Hey, where'd that cliff come from?" wondered Aragorn.
They all ran over to the newly made cliff.
"What in the bloody—" Elrond started. He was cut off, though, by the shock of what he saw over the edge of the cliff…
TBC
A/N: This chapter was truly insane. Yes, it was! This was also a lot shorter than the others, but I thought the whole cliff thing would be a good place to stop. Cliffs, I hear you asking. CLIFFS? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! No… wait… um… hey… what… boy oh boy…
(Hey, look! A SHORT chapter title! ::grins::)
Aragorn dug around in Frodo's shoulder. Frodo was emitting a random 'Ow' or 'That hurt, you bastard!'.
Finally, the toothpick came out!
"That is one helluva big toothpick!" exclaimed Merry in amazement. (Sam and Pippin had been hit in the head with large sticks by Merry and had fallen asleep. Why? Just because.)
"There's something… glimmering on it." Aragorn inspected it further. "It says… MORDOR™?"
"MORDOR™?" asked Merry.
"MORDOR™," confirmed Aragorn. "In silver writing, as well."
"That's a big toothpick!" exclaimed Frodo as he came to full awareness and saw it. "That was IN me?"
"Yes, it was," said Aragorn. "But the funny thing was, it WANTED to come out! As soon as I started digging around for it with the digger-thingy, it started coming towards it."
"Do you suppose it just wanted to pick Sauron's teeth?" asked Merry.
"Sauron doesn't HAVE teeth, Merry!" Aragorn said, looking at him oddly.
"Yeah… but… um… moose?"
Frodo and Aragorn shook their heads. They had no idea what Merry was babbling about, so they just ignored him.
"Hey… maybe… no… wait… um… antelope! No… not right… um…"
"How do you feel, Frodo?" asked Aragorn.
"A lot good! I mean, fine! Excellent!"
"Fantastic! I didn't want a repeat of the last time," Aragorn replied.
"Shall we move on?"
"What about those two?" Aragorn asked, motioning over to Sam and Pippin, who were snoring away.
"Merry!" called Frodo.
Merry ran over and kicked Sam, and then Pippin. They both awoke with a start.
"Hey!" they cried at the same time. Then they looked over at Frodo.
"You're awake!" cried Sam. "Mr. Frodo!" Sam ran over and hugged Frodo.
"Samwise, that may have worked last time, but I'm SICK OF ALL THE GAYNESS! I AM NOT GAY! ALRIGHT?"
Sam backed away, shocked at his master's behavior. "I-I'm so-sorry, M-Mr. F-frodo…"
"Oh, Sam, I am too. Just no hugging, okay?"
Sam nodded.
"Hey! Frodo's awake!" cried Pippin.
"You, Pippin, are slower than a dead rabbit," commented Merry.
"I… I am not!"
"Frodo's been up for what, five minutes, and you JUST NOW NOTICED?"
"WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE UPPERCASE CONVERSATIONS?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"HOW ABOUT WE STOP THAT! IT'S BECOMING ANNOYING!"
"ALRIGHT!"
"YOU FIRST!"
"NO, YOU!"
"ENOUGH!" cried Aragorn. "Merry, you stop screaming in caps first, than Pippin."
"OKAy," said Merry, lowering his voice.
"SOUNDS GOOD TO me," said Pippin, also lowering his voice.
I am THE best, thought Aragorn. So many problems averted tonight due to my cleverness! I AM the best! God loves me the be--
"Um… guys? Have you noticed anything?" asked Frodo suddenly.
"What?" everyone else asked in unison.
"Where's Gandalf?"
Everyone looked around.
"Um… maybe… no… was he… no… um…" began Merry. No one paid attention to Merry.
"Well, we certainly didn't lose him!" said Aragorn.
"A wizard is never lost; he is exactly where he wants to be when he wants to be," said Gandalf, suddenly appearing and lacking the whole voice thing.
"Look at this," said Aragorn, pulling out the toothpick from his bag. "This came out of Frodo's shoulder. Do you see the marking?"
"It says MORDOR™. I had no idea Sauron had a toothpick-making company."
"Apparently, he does," said Aragorn. "He manufactures evil, poisoned toothpicks, all made to stab Frodo with."
Gandalf looked at him. "That really did not make sense, but okay."
"How did that not make sense?" demanded Aragorn, miffed that Gandalf was questioning his cleverness.
"We must be going. I am worried that The Gollum Estrogen Brigade might attack again, and we mustn't be anywhere near!"
Everyone began running around and gathering their things.
"DANG DIGGITY!" exclaimed Frodo suddenly.
"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam worriedly.
"The Randomly Mean Necklace is not in my pocket! I LOST IT!"
"Everyone, begin searching NOW! This is indeed a bad thing," said Gandalf.
Sam went down and searched at the bottom of Weathertop. "Hey, I found a penny!" he said excitedly.
"We're not looking for that!" roared Gandalf. "The NECKLACE, Samwise, the NECKLACE!"
Sam began searching again. Meanwhile, on the other side of the hill, Pippin, Merry, and Aragorn were looking.
"Hey, guess what I found?" asked Pippin.
"What?" asked Merry.
"No, guess!"
"What?"
"GUESS!"
"A penny?" he asked lamely, for lack of anything better.
"No! Guess again!"
"Ara-GORN!"
"Alright, alright! It's a… (insert dramatic drum roll here) SHOELACE!"
"Ack, Pippin! The NECKLACE! Not a shoelace," scolded Merry.
After a few more minutes, Pippin shrieked again.
"What?" asked Aragorn, exasperated with the whole search.
"I found a rubber chicken!"
"PEREGRIN TOOK! THE NECKLACE!"
"Alright, alright!"
After a few more minutes of combing the area, Merry gave a shriek this time.
"What is it, Mr. Merry?" asked Sam, who had now begun searching with them.
"I found another MORDOR™ toothpick! Ack!"
"Don't touch it, whatever you do!" ordered Aragorn.
"You think?"
"Alright, that was a stupid thing to say," he admitted.
"Um… guys?" said Frodo sheepishly.
"What?" they all snapped. They were all tired of looking for the Randomly Mean Necklace, and just wanted to go on to Rivendell.
"Ah… I hate to tell you this, but… it was in my other pocket the whole time."
"WHAT?" screeched Merry. "You mean… you mean to tell me that I almost TOUCHED another MORDOR™ toothpick, looking for that dumb piece of jewelry, and it was in your pocket the WHOLE TIME? I say we just let you destroy the thing yourself. I'm sick of this journey! I wanna go home!"
"Meriadoc Brandybuck!" scolded Gandalf. "What about this undying loyalty of yours?"
Merry hit himself in the head. "I'm sorry, Frodo! I wasn't thinking! It was… the MORDOR™ toothpick! It had an Effect on me…"
"Let's just go, okay? I'm hungry," said Pippin.
"We're not going to get to Rivendell THAT fast, Mr. Pippin!" exclaimed Sam.
"Yeah, well, I'm still hungry."
Aragorn shoved some food under Pippin's nose. "If it'll take food to shut you up, all the better. Let's move on."
So they moved. (Insert Jeopardy theme song here.) They made it to Rivendell. (Yes, you nitpickers! It's been seventeen days or some shit. Happy?)
"Gandalf, everyone! It's a good thing to see you! I've been terribly worried," said Elrond as they stepped into the main house.
"What is it that has had you worried, dear friend?" asked Gandalf.
"I've received word of several separate evils on your trail," he replied. "The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, the Sporadically Evil Sponges, and the Four and Three Eighths Riders from Mordor."
"The WHAT?" screeched Frodo.
"The Four and Three Eighths Riders," replied Elrond.
"NO! NOT THE FOUR AND THREE EIGHTHS RIDERS!" cried Pippin, running around in circles.
Frodo smacked him hard. "I'M supposed to do that." He stepped away from Pippin.
"NO! NOT THE FOUR AND THREE EIGHTHS RIDERS!" he cried, running in circles.
"You insane Hobbits!" said Gandalf. "Stop that immediately!" Frodo stopped.
"So… what exactly are the Four and Three Eighths Riders?"
"Do you remember the Nazgul?" asked Elrond seriously. (Seriously!)
Everyone nodded as shudders ran down their backs. Frodo's were the coldest, though. Anyway…
"We'll, they're sort of like that."
"Sort-of? SORT-OF?" cried Frodo. "What do you mean by SORT-OF?"
"I mean that they're sort-of the same. They come from Mordor, and the Dark Lord Souran. They are the Kings of old that had received necklaces from Souran."
"The three eighths then?" asked Aragorn, thoroughly puzzled.
"The fifth one broke his necklace in the shower. So when the power overtook him, he became just three eighths of a creepy ghost dude instead of a full one."
"Ahh…" everyone said in unison.
"Are they riding horses or those flying thingies?" asked Sam, worried more for his Mr. Frodo than anything else.
"Neither. Sheep."
"SHEEP?" cried Aragorn, suddenly bursting out in laughter at the thought of these big ugly black things riding sheep.
"Sheep," confirmed Elrond.
"Do they… fall over?" asked Pippin, grinning.
"This author needs to STOP INCLUDING REFERENCES WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND!" cried Gandalf. (The reference? Veggie Tales. The tipping sheep. Erm… yeah, alright. Keep reading.)
Suddenly, Frodo screamed. Really loud. Everyone looked over, but they couldn't see him.
"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam, starting to worry.
They heard a faint cry. "What was THAT?" asked Pippin, confused as usual.
"Hey, where'd that cliff come from?" wondered Aragorn.
They all ran over to the newly made cliff.
"What in the bloody—" Elrond started. He was cut off, though, by the shock of what he saw over the edge of the cliff…
TBC
A/N: This chapter was truly insane. Yes, it was! This was also a lot shorter than the others, but I thought the whole cliff thing would be a good place to stop. Cliffs, I hear you asking. CLIFFS? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! No… wait… um… hey… what… boy oh boy…