DISCLAIMER: Yeah, it's four thirty in the morning on another ff.net catch-up weekend. No, I don't own the West Wing or the characters or any of that, and I don't have the mind at this time of day to sort through the legal documents explaining who does. Aaron Sorkin is in there somewhere.
This takes place in early 2002, I've now decided, particularly in February.
Seriously, people, let's get started now.
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Life And Loyalty
A Bad Fanfic By Amber
Chapter Two
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Toby's mind was swimming. He could not believe he was telling all this to Leo. He could not believe he was telling this to anyone. Why had he come in here in the first place? It had something to do with re-election. Yes, that sounded vaguely familiar.
"CJ doesn't want the President to get re-elected," he said again.
"I still don't understand why that is," Leo said.
"Wow, Toby, be a little less trustworthy and a little more useless."
Toby's head turned quickly to the door, where CJ stood glaring at them. "It was six months ago, Toby. She's been dead longer than she was alive. Get over it and leave Leo out of my personal business."
"CJ," Toby started.
"No! If you want to talk to someone that's fine, but leave me out of it. If I didn't want to President to get re-elected I wouldn't still be here after midnight. I wouldn't show up for press conferences that make me want to pull my teeth out. I wouldn't be putting up with you and everyone else and their nosiness and their stupid fake concern. Now, kindly stay the hell out of my life." She turned and all but ran down the hall.
Toby looked helplessly at Leo. "Go."
"Thank you," Toby said and quickly followed CJ.
"CJ! Listen to me."
"You betrayed my trust. You have Leo questioning my loyalty now. But, maybe I should thank you. I've wanted out of this place for a long time now."
"About six months, I'd imagine."
"Yeah, Toby, since the man I was in love with decided there was no reason to bother with me anymore and moved out of our home!"
"You never said anything!"
"Of course not. I knew you were only there because of the baby. When she was gone, I knew better than to expect you to stay."
"I would have stayed."
"Because of the baby."
"No, because of you."
"So then the baby was just an excuse."
"No, in May when you were having a breakdown in a bar talking about alcohol and humming the same song over and over again, that was an excuse! I wanted a night with you and that my excuse. The baby was a baby, she was our daughter. I loved her by herself. If she gave me the chance to spend a few months living the life of my dreams, I was going to take it."
"This is so stupid! If you wanted to be there and I wanted you there why the hell did you leave?"
"Because you only wanted me there because of the baby, and she was my only reason to be there."
"It's so stupid." She stood in the hall, tears streaming down her face. "I swear, this is stupid. It's frustrating. I don't understand any of it. I don't even know when I fell in love with you. Maybe it was only because of her, and then I'm guilty of what I've accused you of."
"Do you want to try this?"
She looked at him, judging his sincerity. "Let's wait until January when we're both out of a job and do it then."
"Planning my loss already?" Another voice behind him. Toby was going to start walking around with a periscope.
"No, sir," CJ said.
"Planning to resign, then?" the President asked.
Why the hell is the President roaming our lowly offices at this time of night. Is he even allowed here? Wasn't there some rule about ten p.m.? Toby was getting a headache.
"Possibly, sir," she replied.
"That would be a huge loss."
"Frankly, I'm getting used to those," Toby said.
For the first time during the conversation, the President's eyes focused on Toby. "When was the last time you slept?"
"Last night."
"Well."
"October."
"When was the last time you fell asleep in the arms of someone who loved you?"
"May."
"Yeah, you need to take care of that. I've been doing it for years. It helps." He turned his attention back to CJ. "I love you like I love my three daughters. I love you like that, not like an employee or a voter. Understand?"
"I understand, sir."
"Quit being stupid, Toby."
"I would quit being stupid if everything weren't so fragile."
"The campaign or you two?"
"Both."
"Yeah, I don't care about the campaign if it means you two standing in here in pain, in tears. You've suffered a loss I can't even imagine. Get through it together."
"You have no idea what you're asking."
""I'm going to leave before I get angry at you again."
"That's fair, sir," Toby said as the President hugged CJ and disappeared down the hall.
"Truth is, Toby, you're right. He has no idea."
"Yeah, and truth is, CJ, I'm pretty angry and hurt right now, and I'd rather not talk to you."
She watched him walk away in shock. After a minute she realized what had upset him. She caught up with him in the parking lot.
"I didn't mean it!"
He looked up from where he was struggling to get his key into the frozen keyhole on his car. "What didn't you mean?" She looked absolutely beautiful in the snow.
"When I told you to get over it, I didn't mean it."
"That's definitely better than you meaning it. But it occurs to me that you never would have told me to get over it if circumstances had been different."
"If she'd been born."
"So, I'm questioning your loyalty here too. To our child."
"I'm questioning yours, to me."
"Then there's this whole nightmare where none of us trust each other. Where neither of our daughter's parents felt like taking the time to grieve for her. The last six months have been hell for both of us, and the whole time we've been telling ourselves that we don't care about what happens because we believe that is doesn't mean anything. That's why you don't want the President getting re-elected."
"Don't pull out psychology on me. I hate that."
"It's true. 'I don't care that she's dead, because she was just this thing anyway.' Except it's hard to believe that, isn't it? It's hard to believe that your daughter wasn't anything when you had a name picked out, and clothes and a room."
"Toby, it was my decision."
"I would have agreed with that six months ago. Now it disgusts me, and I think it does you too. If it doesn't, if our daughter's life and death have changed nothing for you, then I don't know what else to say."
"How about that you love me?" she asked as he finally got the door open.
"I love you, CJ."
She watched his car pull out of the parking lot. She slumped back against her own car. She could not decide if she hated herself or Toby more.
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Even now, the world is bleeding,
But feeling just fine, all numb in our castle,
Where we're always free to choose, never free enough to find.
I wish something would break because we're running out of time.
And I am overcome, I am overcome
Holy water in my lungs, I am overcome.
These women in the street, pulling out their hair.
My master's in the yard, giving light to the unaware
This plastic little place is just a step amongst the stairs.
And I am overcome, I am overcome.
Baby, holy water in my lungs, I am overcome.
So drive me out, out to that open field,
Turn the ignition off, and spin around
Your help is here, but I'm parked in this open space
Blocking the gates of love
I am overcome, I am overcome.
Holy water in my lungs, I am overcome.
Beautiful drowning, this beautiful drowning.
This holy water, this holy water is in my lungs.
And I am overcome, I am overcome.
I am overcome, I am overcome.
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NOTE: Oh, boy, that was fun. The lyrics are "Overcome" by Live, because it was the first mp3 in my folder that seemed to fit. It is now 5:41 AM on this ff.net catch-up weekend. I love you all.